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TV writer/producer: LA to Vegas (coming to Fox!), You're The Worst. Probably wearing a Victorian baby ring right now.

908 Following   7,070 Followers   7,170 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/22/09


I have breastfed so many times in front of my teen boy movers, I feel like they should be paying me @evafay @philyuck I knew this, but you are truly disgusting @evafay What?! Did the vernacular change? Have I been Yoga Booty Balleting so much I missed the memo? Cranked? Ripp… https://t.co/BerWihjiq1One more thing: the driver wasn't buff. He was super skinny. I think he just liked the motivational speechesSo excited for my favorite scary weirdos @kidblue and @frankgarciahejl! https://t.co/QRmL22dACnThe nice thing about moving four times in four years is that you no longer care about possessions or your own humanityEminem looks exactly like how Mariah Carey portrayed him in the Obsessed video 💀💀💀 https://t.co/WTlsJDsx5s
Retweeted by Alison BennettStill thinking about this ride and I should've known when he asked me, "How do you pronounce your first name? I don't want to butcher it."
10/17
2017
I'm out. And I've changed my attitude. That driver is a hero. I wish I was born without the ability to feel shame or embarrassment.Track 3 is emo. It starts with "They said I couldn't." I think I'm losing weight thoI wouldn't write this scene in a movie because it is fucking hack. I can't believe we're listening AUDIO FOR WEIGHTLIFTING INSPIRATIONTrack 2 has a lot of cello and TODAY IS THE DAY @danozzi I didn't know these kind of gym tapes existed!!! I'm so scareddddddd"Without pushing yourself in the gym, you won't get any results!!!" This is the soundtrack to my ride... I am taking the "growth road"I have a Lyft driver who is so dumb, I'm actually afraid for my life and he is now listening to a weightlifting inspirational audiobook
10/16
2017
@jenstatsky @britneyspears Now we need your hand in a jar like a Catholic relic @johnlevenstein @evafay Time has flown by since the last Ukrainian festival(Exit store) Me: "Well, I'm definitely not pregnant anymore. Dudes are looking and smiling." Husband: "You have something in your teeth."Scared you won't float, Woody? https://t.co/MSKGhJfSIz @lafergs The whole TGIF line-up gets used. Also, did you know the OG FM theme was "What A Wonderful World" before they got Urkel'd? @lafergs I was like sorry you were sleeping on Saturday mornings from all your punk clubbin, you bad NYC kid @lafergs Top pick over here, also Cheers, Golden Girls, Scooby Doo. California Dreams really confused Noah at the d… https://t.co/7Q9t1HSzRn @johnlevenstein Oh no, she was just going through a divorce with the head of the department and was having some knee issues @johnlevenstein I had a college professor who spat a loogie in a student's face so he would do the monologue with m… https://t.co/FzlO95NGNPIt's important to play important songs from your childhood to your baby, which is why we only listen to TV themes
10/15
2017
@stephenfalk My favorite swim team carpooling jam?
10/14
2017
Calling white women allies to recognize conflict of #WomenBoycottTwitter for women of color who haven't received support on similar issues.
Retweeted by Alison BennettIn for #WomenBoycottTwitter, especially because every time I log in this week I keep typing about the exec who tricked me into a "date."TOMORROW: #WomenBoycottTwitter https://t.co/JcK9ijC4w8
Retweeted by Alison Bennett
10/13
2017
i, too, am the father to several, several daughters. crazy feel to have some skin in the game now!
Retweeted by Alison Bennett @tylercoates Feud Season 5Tonight's #YouretheWorst is a special one for me. Aya and @ZosiaRMamet! Written by @stephenfalk, who could really party in a dead mall.
10/11
2017
I hear the other guy is incredibly good looking. Like probably one of the handsomest people ever. And also like top… https://t.co/9zhas5rEIy
Retweeted by Alison BennettTwitter was bumming me out but then I heard there was a #RianJohnson emoji so I logged back in. Yay, @rianjohnson! https://t.co/7nNBSqZCuu
10/10
2017
Yes, someone please buy my husband this watch and get me off the hook https://t.co/bkD2GwdWTf @adamegypt @TheAmyNicholson @kidblue I would kind of prefer if you two sexy people did non-sexy costumes... this I… https://t.co/o1oAJlPpVX @TheAmyNicholson @kidblue Sure but Wulfe might be offended @TheAmyNicholson @kidblue She knows plastic masks are bad for pores
10/5
2017
@alexblagg @stephenfalk We all witnessed a beautiful thing together. @ChiaraAtik YOU ARE A QUEEN @johnlevenstein Ya gotta lookL.A.: this is a must-see! I loved the first run. Get your tickets now!!! https://t.co/uizxs3C9FBFirst look: @ZosiaRMamet guest stars as Gretchen’s ex-best friend on #YoureTheWorst https://t.co/j2bMVgPvf0 @YTWFXX https://t.co/PCQGpYZaqQ
Retweeted by Alison Bennett
10/4
2017
@MarcyLane @FunnyFeelingPod @BirdySoderdy I loved it!Fellow creepos who love ghosts and aliens and creepy shit, check out @FunnyFeelingPod, hosted by funny buds @MarcyLane and @BirdySoderdy!Michelle's subtext is: "If Hillary was president, Barack and I could be designing a house in Maui right now. We are… https://t.co/swbSpkfyJKHaving a baby made me more pro-abortion than ever. Can't imagine going through that process unwillingly (and I had… https://t.co/7uHeL1EJHc @lilmoemusic January“Humans will always murder, no gun law can change that!” screams a country that outlawed too much toothpaste on a plane.
Retweeted by Alison Bennett
10/3
2017
"Let's wait until we hear his name before we label it terrorism or not."
Retweeted by Alison BennettThe NRA wants to pass a bill allowing the legal purchase of silencers. People ducked and ran in Las Vegas because of the sound of gunfire.
Retweeted by Alison Bennett
10/2
2017
"They want everything to be done for them." https://t.co/SsrVvH6l9s
Retweeted by Alison Bennett
10/1
2017
Am I a disgusting narcissist for rebranding peekaboo into "Where's Mommy? There She Is!"There are zero musicals on my Spotify Time Capsule, so my willful reinvention has been thorough and complete.
9/30
2017
@hannah_pd Oh thank God hahaOnce again, I really only tweet for normo women age 28-38.🎵 Lupita Nyongo With my girl, Stew Mystery? and Destiny Charlie's Angels, come on Uh uh uh 🎵 https://t.co/4J9Z2GZlwVPeople burning NFL gear to protest NFL players for protesting: it seems like you actually love protesting??!?
Retweeted by Alison Bennett @johnlevenstein I'm coming for you, John (eventually, don't be scared) @meganamram Loved it!
9/29
2017
@docplouffer Written by @evafay!!!All these dudes crying witch hunt: it sucks to be scared at work, huh https://t.co/rRBBiMT28H
9/28
2017
Fun note about tonight’s YOU’RE THE WORST: we couldn’t license gangbang porn footage so we went out and shot our own! #YTWFXX
Retweeted by Alison BennettI love a good @evafay episode!!! https://t.co/WuKoGIe1aF
9/27
2017
I couldn't even get ONE sibling to coordinate a pregnancy with mine. @ErinJanuneNew uniform? Cc: @missalexander https://t.co/4t6h6c0zVI @evafay He's the manAlso, Gretchen on YTW being horned up for Chip this season DOES reflect the views of one woman on staff (not @evafay).When the divorce announcement drops, remember I called it when I saw the man bun. https://t.co/MjrRmSxzqt
9/26
2017
@anthonymiccio Tons of turtle imagery in Chapter OneCan't wait to bust out some lectures that start with "in the book" again in 2019 https://t.co/0fR3h37Y0W @ErinJanune @leilacohan Only bathing suits, jumpsuits and designer suede skirts made the cut. And sequinsHot tip that subtweeting your infant daughter doesn't work and she's still partyingIf you think about it, it's cool I birthed a creature that is so evolved, it hasn't needed to sleep in two days
9/25
2017
Even ur over priced cupcakes get it https://t.co/FduRHuSCNL
Retweeted by Alison BennettAnthem singer in Detroit ends song on one knee. #TakeTheKnee https://t.co/Iy9bdT6bE7
Retweeted by Alison BennettEven football people!!!
9/24
2017
President should not be telling the Washington Redskins to change their name-our country has far bigger problems! FOCUS on them,not nonsense
Retweeted by Alison BennettToday I love sports people!!!
9/23
2017

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