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Captain Hippo, Better Call Saul, UCB. Cartoons for Full Frontal w/ Samantha Bee, Last Week Tonight w/ John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion. Opinions are my own.

3,148 Following   6,542 Followers   9,161 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/26/10


My fish have never seen The Matrix, fixing this right now (selling my fish.) @donni Great.So exhausting to have to yell “HARK” before exclaiming something. Wish we could cut that out.
2/17
2019
Sometimes for emphasis I’ll do air quotes with all ten fingers. @oldfirewhisky Party on, contest winners.Was typing “slept through my alarm” and accidentally wrote “slept through my slarm.” My beautiful slarm.I like that there are cowboy fonts 🤠I just watched a commercial for a hotel chain’s app because Judy Greer was in it. @behindyourback Laughing. @donni When you finish those two, you’ll finally get to *see* movie and then please find and kill me. @behindyourback How do I like this more than once? @donni You should start from the beginning, if you watch a new one you’re going to have no idea what’s going on. @TheHardMantra One of these days I will actually hear the song.I fucked up and hadn’t watched Fleabag until now and it is amazing.Oh shit, I forgot to learn fashion. @corypalmer @schlife It is happening again.
2/16
2019
@the_infern0 @schlife Let the record show that Zach just threatened to spray me with Febreeze.Oscar presenter: "Ladies and gentlemen, here to perform the song 'Shallow' from A Star Is Born... Frankenstein." {B… https://t.co/DwooEAyRMj{Kim Kardashian wakes up to find Kenny G playing in her living room dressed as George Washington} "Oh god, this is… https://t.co/AB6UI0blnaEvery once in a while I think about a person I saw in Penn Station several years ago holding a corndog on a stick in a bun. @tweetrajouhari Honestly, the Spongebob movie.
2/15
2019
{Reading Bane's resumé} Says here you were Gotham's reckoning?Hollywood, make me the first ugly person in the new Dune movie. Think of the headlines! @misstrionics My god.I hope you people appreciate the work I do for these tweets. https://t.co/LsQNN7F5cZTry new Boar's Head Hamsters, tiny personal hams for- oh no, we've made a mistake.I heard that the script for Alita: Battle Angel was a drawing I did in ninth grade.I used to be a billionaire but all of my money fell out of my pockets when I was on a roller coaster.Happy Valentine's Day to the Autotrader promoted tweet that will not leave me alone.One exciting thing that happened today is that I was "tapped" to "pen" a new blockbuster based on George R.R. Tolki… https://t.co/GbbUby98U4
Retweeted by Daniel SpenserI wrote this a little while ago and here it is again. https://t.co/4eVxlg0lZx
2/14
2019
they say you only need 3 pieces of tape to wrap the perfect gift, but god wrapped my bones with skin using no tape at all
Retweeted by Daniel Spenser{Still whispering at the end of my ASMR video} "Do not forget to smash that like button, motherfuckers.""Known for" https://t.co/zfiuu3DDK7Guy in the booth: "Okay, guys, let's do a take." Doobie Brothers: "🎵 RETURN TO ME, O PRECIOUS BEAT BOYS. FULFILL TH… https://t.co/KwtZET7jvO @mmmegan @MikeDrucker HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE????$$$$??? @MikeDrucker https://t.co/zL7jjb6CgHMuch like an ogre describing how he is like an onion, the photoshop file I am working on has many layers.Whenever I am about to close a big business deal with someone, I say "shake me in the hand" and it ruins it!That "Yesterday" movie but with Weezer's teal album and everyone is like "dude, those are already songs."Me: "Okay brain, how do we do taxes?" Brain: "THE FAKE POKEMON IN THAT ONE EPISODE OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND WAS C… https://t.co/1XCOLlPFgyDo you fucks even know the pain of craving figgy pudding ten full months before Christmas?This is the plot of Under The Skin which is very good.You: “So, what do you do?” Me: {Trying to hide that I am an alien and must harvest human organs and bring them to m… https://t.co/3KPylW2OTk @anafabregagood Oh man, this is so funny.{A bear emerges} Me: “Oh no, the Bad News Bear!” Bad News Bear: “Global warming will soon render this planet unliva… https://t.co/n49BgcZBHjInto The Spider-Verse. https://t.co/EbJf3gCN9T
2/13
2019
.@TheAcademy let me write The Oscars?{I win an Oscar} Wow, it's a real "grill" just to be nominated, haha- oh shit, I thought this was the goddamn Hot D… https://t.co/Ik1yPkVsQYA truly dumb thing I made for work. https://t.co/WZKmOW0zLl @curlycomedy I have a name.It's like they say, "the only way to draw a circle is to trace your hand, which is a perfect circle because of an accident."For me, the hardest part of being a Sebulba impersonator is the voice. @john1gun Yeah, I've also worn a flannel shirt and a hoodie. @curlycomedy I call the look "reverse comedian."Everyone is making fun of that Esquire article and I hate to bandwagon but I didn't know that we were allowed to we… https://t.co/FtqLpwVJTN @curlycomedy How I Retired At 21 By Volunteering To Be Lowered Into a Pit As Bait To Lure a Gigantic Underground Su… https://t.co/HAiMAhqMLvHow I Retired At 31 By Being The Guy That Archaeologists Send Into An Ancient Sarcophagus To Set Off Any Booby Trap… https://t.co/rFpPX9HeR6 @GennHutchison Ah yes, the scriptures.The northern lights signify the death of god and the appointment of a new god (whomever killed the previous god.)Why aren’t I Bjork yet? @DCpierson BAD cone! @corypalmer @schlife @carolrhartsell DO IT, ZACH! DESTROY HIM! @corypalmer @carolrhartsell @schlife{With a heavy sigh I blow into the giant ram’s horn I keep in a glass case should the Crank Yankers return} @MikeDrucker I mean... I’m totally on board for that, too.Does anyone have tickets to basketball I can have? I have decided to be really into basketball. @evelyngfrick It does start raining wherever I am.
2/12
2019
@DanaSchwartzzz (Suspiciously) Well, well, well... (dropping charade) come here, you!You see your friend approaching. You say: a) The prodigal son returns. b) The motherfuckin' renaissance man… https://t.co/R8t4GyfCD1 @schlife I'M OFF THE DEEP END I AM MAN'S BEST FRIEND @missbreton Or do you need more? If you ask, I'll let you shake my pawAn Oscar just shot out of my computer and hit me square in the nards!Tell me somethin', girl Are you happy just to see a squirrel? https://t.co/WCqUkepExJI love to make friends at work. https://t.co/le3AZnqQ7tBoth shirts are now available on my godforsaken store. https://t.co/GdkxAdjRhKWhoops, fixed a typo. https://t.co/2h0DgfFTSdhttps://t.co/T3xnS5dFSzLook out world it is Monday and I am full of beans.I will die doing what I love: trying to sing "Mr. Bean" to the tune of "Jolene" until my brain explodes because it just won't work.{I see Alicia Keys play piano} "Alicia keys!" {I see Eric Clapton play guitar} "Eric strings!"Ugh, I should have said “aunts.”Me: “Wh-Where’s the... body?” Forensic Officer: “It’s back h- oh no, it’s you! Beat it!” Me: “Look at my bradge.” F… https://t.co/buSG9R7hVrBittersweet Symphony won best song AGAIN???! @TomSchnauz @petergould @KristynCarey His name is Donald. @NekoCase It’s all the genie stuff, right?All of us are making fun of a very powerful genie.One thing is for sure, music is here to stay.I for one REFUSE to get eaten by giant carnivorous birds.
2/11
2019
@kaitlinfontana NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!Oh no, I was supposed to host the Grammy Awards but I fell asleep on the bus and just woke up in Akron! @chrissyteigen When I was maybe six I saw a girl curtsy at a bowling alley and emulated it and one of my mom’s frie… https://t.co/3ZkfVD1NOR @Brennan_Full Hi, Brennan!!{A fly lands on my unblinking eyeball} “Haha, animals love me.” @jennyjaffe What my mom tells people I do, “computers.”Some of you have gotten into my inks and tried to eat my inks and got my inks all over your clothes and it shows.Today I saw a husky puppy and the rest of this world is garbage.Hoggy Valentine’s Day. https://t.co/A38iTKJ66o
2/10
2019
@mileskahn Thanks, Miles! YOU’RE the best.I am watching this German television show from 1995. https://t.co/0odCaO78aK
2/9
2019

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