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Captain Hippo, Better Call Saul, UCB. Cartoons for Full Frontal w/ Samantha Bee, Last Week Tonight w/ John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion. Opinions are my own.

2,620 Following   4,416 Followers   6,368 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/26/10


I do not like the man I become when I chew gum.Someone took this photo of me while I was deeply understanding something. https://t.co/NjNkzvqIVVHello, ladies and gentlemen. I am one of those comedians that thinks screaming is very funny. I know what you are t… https://t.co/xlBiSmkSXNI have misspelled the thing I love most.No one is pointing out that the dinosuars in the new Jurassic Park movie are clearly horses painted green.My life is just like a movie! (half-watched and harshly judged) @ArielDumas Don't hate yourself for Googling Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics!
6/24
2018
Sarah, I hear this place is good. https://t.co/OIHdZGnCcSI wrote this a long time ago but it is just as pointless today: https://t.co/fT01dhVCWwWOOOOO! {air horn}{air horn}{air horn} P-P-P-Play me some of that SAAAAAD MMMMUUUUUUSIC!!!! {air horn}{harrowing “WHYY??!!”}{air horn}
6/23
2018
It's cool that we were able to teach a gorilla the meaning of celebrity.I am using my one not-livid tweet of the day to say that I have finally seen the movie "Personal Shopper" and it is… https://t.co/mScTUaQfxkDo one for guns? https://t.co/JEzplMv6wt @333333333433333 I have 31 peanuts, Fokker, can u milk me?
6/22
2018
@OnlineAlison I’m finally fashion! @PeterKelly25 I got you. https://t.co/Ln9yvd9ioJWeird choice. https://t.co/xraaB4dx4VI long for simplicity. https://t.co/m9QbyoDdi6My job is dumb. https://t.co/wNxhXQ9FkXI am a freelance namer, I name things. "Fruit snacks," that was one of mine. That was a big one.
6/21
2018
I didn't know what to do so I drank a Red Bull and this is what happened I am so sorry.More like Chasin' Bourne, people are always after that guy.Please watch my hero/boss tonight on her television show @FullFrontalSamB.I just mentioned "the wall" in a conversation as if it wasn't the most batshit crazy thing and then remembered when… https://t.co/50FuU7LUpNLaura Ingraham's favorite actor is National Treasure star Nicolas Summer Camp.Hello Television, I am pitching a show called Trucker Carlson where Tucker Carlson drives a big rig full of bad tak… https://t.co/FhVG4svIT1
6/20
2018
I just remembered the time I went to dinner with friends four years ago and they all ordered actual meals and I ord… https://t.co/zoX0POiJZsA lot of people ask me if it is difficult to play every character on the show Riverdale and my answer is yes it is extremely difficult.There should be a rule in sports where if you bring a ball to the game you can throw it onto the field and the players have to choose. @MichaelHartney @brettwhite Vest Jeansman
6/19
2018
@mileskahn Ugh, I read it in a "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" voice."The people seem mad about my atrocities. Hand me the red phone. Hello, Mr. Tees? Give me Space Force in the Star Wars font."If I see any of you motherfuckers wearing a Space Force t-shirt I am going to go ballistic I swear to god. The stup… https://t.co/BK1wRoMvFrIN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM https://t.co/B2VqE1wDvqBooming voice: "MIND IF I FINALLY TEETER ONTO THE BRINK OF HUMANITY?!" Everyone, through gasps: "Father of Daughters!!!"{Watching Jurassic Park} "Why do they keep going to the island?!" {I continue to live in a place controlled by prehistoric psychopaths}I ain’t scared a’nothin’. Everything else, though, very scary.
6/18
2018
🎵COME ON FEEL THE NOISE GIRLS ROCK YOUR BOYS NOW BOYS ROCK YOUR GIRLS NOW BOYS ROCK THOSE GIRLS’ BOYS NOW YOU ROCK… https://t.co/WcrJc7ifNF @BDF331 I guess, if I get to pick, me?Can we make up a fake country and all of the celebrities can compete to be the ruler of it and then while this is h… https://t.co/VnuQ6empgXToday is the one day of the year where I am engulfed by a swarm of starlings and brought before the King Elk of the… https://t.co/pQ99tNrnFI @socarolinesays I’m sorry! I meant the Mandy Moore version!{I show up to work after shaving my beard} Co-worker: “What happened to your beard?” Me: “Oh, I fell.” @socarolinesays I braced myself for “Senses Working Overtime” and audibly gasped.NEAT: I screamed out of my mouth and had enough left over to scream out of my eyes!
6/17
2018
{Wanting to brag that my counterfeit Mona Lisa appears in a Beyoné/ Jay Z video but realizing that it would reveal my perfect heist}🎵When I say ::perfect hawk screech::, you say ::perfect eagle cry::🎵
6/16
2018
My favorite part is at the end when Ian Curtis looks right at the camera and says "hey, are you FILMING us?!"Sometimes I forget that the music video for Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" is the whole band dangling fro… https://t.co/36SqVTTJiII am instructing each soccer player via headset and, yes, yes, it is working, juke, run left, kick, KICK.Me: I can make myself very small..." Captain America: "Like Ant-Man? That could be useful." Me: "...emotionally."
6/15
2018
Me at an open mic: "... and then the clown is in the sewer and he is trying to scare the kid." Audience member: "Th… https://t.co/LXLwsUdy7hThink of everyday as an audition to play someone you wouldn't want to throw hot coffee on.Here is a poster I made for last night's @FullFrontalSamB. https://t.co/TgTo2OQSCeTold you.
6/14
2018
Tonight's @FullFrontalSamB is a good one and definitely not 100% all about that stupid raccoon trust me. @FleitWrite This is an important point and I'm sorry! @normwilner Really? I didn't check around or anything before posting. I've mentioned Monster Mash in a few bits bec… https://t.co/Dtqx91rITj @normwilner I wrote it. I was trying to be facetious or whatever but I did bad! I feel FOOLISH!What the hell is this review? https://t.co/v2pnsqDptKHe is risen. https://t.co/NQLFCelFx5Ummm, restaurants! Don't 👏 call 👏 it 👏 horseradish 👏 mayo 👏 unless 👏 it 👏 burns 👏 my 👏 eyes 👏 and 👏 makes 👏 me 👏 cry 👏 !I have made a music video for any song: https://t.co/bketvYFS1W @curlycomedy The "RIP" is a bad sign.F♦️R🔶I🔷E♦️N🔶D🔷S https://t.co/OoAXxCmnqgI guess this could have been a comic but why bother putting in the time, ya know?Me: "I've been thinking a lot about death lately." Therapist: "Why?" Me: "I read an article about what would happen… https://t.co/oX4NI5YcWT @danguterman I’m saving up to buy the rights to the Muppets so I can finally make them smoke cigarettes.Just kidding I will continue to do nothing.I am going to make my own Avatar sequels and release them before the other guy’s as a goof. @ewfeez Oh wow,Every night I pray that I do not wake up to find that my forearms and calves have not switched places and each morning I sigh with relief.
6/13
2018
We're are ingaged!!?! https://t.co/prmIJVITS9 @Home_Halfway This one is a chef's kiss.I shot hours of mo-cap (motion capture) footage for the new Aquaman movie as his fish sidekick Dr. Glub but then so… https://t.co/bpd49zKYhQ @KateVatter It is all a long con to meet Laura Dern. @KateVatter Some of me have very long necks and others have very small arms.MY SMALL BRAIN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR LANGUAGE FEED ME THE FUTURE GOATS.I want to be preserved in amber so, a million years from now, they will use my DNA to make a theme park where a bun… https://t.co/EiUmjEqITG
6/12
2018

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