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Captain Hippo, Better Call Saul, UCB. Cartoons for Full Frontal w/ Samantha Bee, Last Week Tonight w/ John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion. Opinions are my own.

3,344 Following   6,752 Followers   10,171 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/26/10

Call me corny because I have broken into your pantry and stolen your corn. Cans and cans of your family’s corn. @muffinsAKA It is both sad and beautiful, like butterfly on fire.PUT IT IN MY FUCKING VEINS BITCH @muffinsAKA @Captain_Hippo Thanks, dude! I have built many foam board tables for Mike to destroy with his body.
“Look,” they say, “you are an amazing actor, there is no doubt about that. But at this moment there is no reason fo… can't tell you how many acting jobs I have lost after demanding that the Alice in Chains song "Man in the Box" be… can't fire me, I'll shit! @carolimeschaper @ellesep @corypalmer @cassidyrouth @justincappa @matthewsstarr @hellyesbrandon For the last time,… @davehill77 Of course we are, Daryl. @ellesep @corypalmer @cassidyrouth @carolimeschaper @justincappa @matthewsstarr @hellyesbrandonA half-hour show called "Talking Geico" where a panel of comedians and a host discuss the Geico ad that just played.You {Angry because I just hit your car}: "Look, pal-" Me (Hearts in eyes}: "Pal?!" You {Thrown off}: "Wh... do you… you need to start a business is some lettuce from the store, a few metal cookie cutters and the word "bespoke."Ask me about my new line of bespoke lettuces, lettuces made just for you and no one else. @youranalogbuddy Yeah, micro glyphs look really nice. Also excited about the round punctuation.Sometimes I remember the time someone told Amelia Bedelia to "hit the road" and she went outside and found a big st… don't give me enough credit for being the first human to successfully upload my consciousness to a computer.I think the word for a dog eating should be "krimble" so the dog food companies can use the phrase "krimble me kibble."I think some wires may have gotten crossed and I listened to the new @joshgondelman album thinking it was the new L… @somethingsavage Oh HELL YEAH, big Shrig-head. @kaitlinfontana I CAN'T LET DOWN THE KIDS! @annadrezen Hi, Anna!I am sorry Detective Pikachu I had a rough morning and am taking it out on Detective Pika-you.Hey Detective Pikachu why don't you find some damn PANTS?? @youranalogbuddy Here if you want to talk about it.The neighborhood children are demanding I become more “chonky.” ??????Good news folks, I thought I was having a heart attack but it is just indigestion and heartburn and carpal tunnel a…
Fmr Staff Writer @AdamRuins, sold a pilot to IFC w/ @Captain_Hippo, developing animated show w/ major studio now. L…
Retweeted by Daniel Spenser @davehill77 @FBI Attn all planets of the Solar FederationMe (presenting an award): "... those qualities and many others are what make these next sandwiches truly uncrustable."If Elizabeth Warren says she'd like Rush to play her inauguration I will vote for her TWICE. this be a lesson to anyone who ever considered being my friend. Fuck you!I famously do not have a good time and over the course of the show the woman next to me asked why I wasn't dancing… went to a Phish concert once. I don't remember the name of the song they played but it was the worst ten hours of my life.And this is why only the three of us are capable of making an entire film about Lionel Prichard and the Wolfington brothers.The thing I remember most about this movie is when I saw it in theaters with @StevenLeaves and @noochmachine and du… @muffinsAKA For sure absolutely. @muffinsAKA It's hard to tell because he is dressed as a rude dude.Lionel Prichard was famously played by bad-boy Michael Showalter. @carolimeschaper I just remembered 'Dotard.' @somethingsavage @nytimes Hell yeah.Me: "Love the name... but lose the 'the'... it's cleaner." Theater owner: "Ater?"Just put all the pages of the Mueller Report together in a grid and... it out there again. Please, M. Night Shyamalan, let me and my brothers write and star in a Signs spin-off a… @kibblesmith Bite My FingersMe, remembering when Wolf Blitzer tweeted "Always nice to see a turtle.": "He is right."The bullshit in my store is currently on sale! know there is a lot of news happening today, but why isn't anyone talking about this???!!, if you’re gonna keep saying shit like this we’re gonna stop inviting you to stuff. I eat pieces of eggs like you for BREAKFAST.That Wicker Man scene with the bees but instead of bees it's Peeps but Nicolas Cage is acting with the same intensity. @BrianStack153 @YouTube 👍 @timcarvell @nathanrabin @aoscott Oh boy, I put ALL my eggs in the Monkeybone basket when this came out and was fir…
When my sparkling son knocks on your door and you look through the peephole. @mynameisntdave 🎵Don’t go Mayor Buttigieg Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to🎵 @missbreton Yep. @missbreton It is already done and I regret it.There you have it, both colors of each. @mynameisntdave Look, I do not pretend to know how these things work, I am just letting you know.Bowls as buckets (THREAD) @mynameisntdave FYI, it also fits into the "savages" song from Disney's Pocahontas.Oh great. I flew too close to the sun on wings of birds. guys, did something happen to all the birds?{"School's Out For Summer" voice} 🎵SOUP. IS. FOR. DINNER. BISQUE. OR. A. CHOWDER.🎵Honestly so humbled to be included in Time Magazine's Most Influential People 2019. @curlycomedy @mileskahn Oh, speaking of which, twisted breadsticks are now the official spokesbread for marinara. @mileskahn They DID finally reveal what the BBQ in BBQ Sauce stands for and it is not what you think. @mileskahn Oh yeah, when Alfredo was supposed to be in a booth signing sauces but bailed last minute. @curlycomedy Sauce Co. is still keeping the separate honey and mustard models but they won't be as powerful. Also,… @curlycomedy The biggest news is that honey and mustard are still together and going strong!Just got back from SauceCon and saw the new 2019 sauces. Ummm, let's just say they seem... interesting?I like that kind of drumming that sounds like a choo choo train. @kimcaramele The game is over!Me after I accidentally ate all of the warblers but do not want anyone to know. guys, I fell on a couple having a picnic.I got ants in my pants and I need to dance! I got fries in my eyes and I need to cries!{A grizzly bear comes out of the woods} You: "LOOKOUT! A BEAR!" Me: "IS IT POISONOUS??!"{Yosemite Sam voice} "Oooh, ah cayn't wait ta eat that Mayor." new novel asks the question "what if The Grinch went to priest college?"The dead of night is the perfect time to tell all of you that I am very loud and am yelling this.Man, the Girls prequel looks intense. no I confused my sternum and my septum and now my nose is on my chest.
America’s public lands provide us with clean air and water, sustain fish and wildlife, and offer a place for millio…
Retweeted by Daniel SpenserI like when two songs crossfade into one another because I get to imagine one band breaking into the studio before…, they just told me I am hosting the Tony Awards so I am practicing.Hey, ya gotta Lin-Manuel Mi-HAND-a it to that guy... he's great! @mynameisntdave They are probably behind the counter at the family store "Levine's Worms." @mynameisntdave Good luck explaining to my family how this was my cause of death, Max. @emilygmonster Why does everybody think I was high???!!Very sad to learn that I did not win the Pulitzer Prize for "general fiction" with this. @mynameisntdave Welcome to my nightmare, Max.I wish I had a cooler name like Trucknutz or Davis.My hero. @cassidyrouth NO THEY'RE MINE @cassidyrouth Leave me the fuck alone.{In a blinding flash of light, an iridescent orb labeled "HONKY TONK" appears and joins other orbs labeled "BIRDS,"… @ParkerMolloy @somethingsavage It came to me in a horrible horrible dream.Me: "It's called The Big Dumb Book For Stupid Losers-" Book Publisher: "Not interested." Me: "- Chronicles." Book Publisher: "I'm in."