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Captain Hippo, Better Call Saul, UCB. Cartoons for Full Frontal w/ Samantha Bee, Last Week Tonight w/ John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion. Opinions are my own.

2,324 Following   3,600 Followers   5,605 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/26/10

I called back to apologize and goofed that I hoped Co-Worker William was out buying his own apples for a change and… called co-worker William to beg for forgiveness but his wife answered and she said that Co-Worker William was not… feel absolutely guilty.The response to this has been very positive (there was a response) so here is the drawing:
The backlash against Jim Carrey’s Huckabee Sanders portrait makes me hesitant to post the drawing I have made of Co… BLACK VOID {A guy turns around in one of those egg-shaped chairs and talks to camera} "The things you like: yo… @carolimeschaper So many great cameos in this photo.{I spend two million of my own dollars producing "Frankenstein on Ice" just so I can use the tagline "fire bad... i… restaurant I ordered from called to tell me they are sold out of food, so now I am making them lunch.Hey, we are all just crazy kids chasing our dreams. Me? I would like to build small feet-machines for snakes so the… like that show Nailed It with @nicolebyer and have made this using computers.“Help! We need more quotes for the poster!” A fucking insane person who is smearing balm all over his body: “I got…
The Social Network 2: 2 Social 2 Social: Like, Way 2 Social.Mars looks chill as hell. say never meet your heroes but a dog just let me pet him.I am embarrassed because co-worker William has heard me mumble a strained "welcome to church" to myself in the office bathroom.{A morning routine montage that shows me waking up and brushing my teeth and getting ready for work and brushing my… unfair that people who like alcohol, chocolate or rage are "holics" but people who like fire, sex and stealing are "maniacs."Buy the better Bundo book and be the Bundo boo bant to bee in the borld! do I get the birds to watch me back?!
It’s cool that there are famous wizards. @khealywu @annevclark Canyon not do any more of these? @khealywu We are enemies now.Help! I have never seen a gorge.Me: "Doctor, can I play the piano?" Doctor: "No, you won't be able to do much of anything anym- Me: "BECAUSE I COULDN'T BEFORE!"I have just experimented with holding my toothbrush like a pencil and am pleased to report that it feels weird as hell.
My review of most movies is “well, it’s no ‘Saving Silverman.’”I finally saw Call Me By Your Name and it’s great but I could have done without the scene where they argue over whe… birthday, Saoirse Ronan!If you want to read a good book about the writing of the book Little Women you should definitely check out the book Little Women.I am starting to think I will never achieve my childhood dream of living in a Sonic the Hedgehog-shaped house/Taco Bell.
@corypalmer Ladies and gentlemen... your 2018 dogs! 🎵HAPPINESS... IS A WARM DOG🎵 @the_infern0 This r me for sure!Dog: "I am dog!" {Applause} Dog: "Give me bones! I eat bones!" {Applause} Dog: "I speak in loud screams and long mo… @GMPaiella Please explain this in Harry Potter.It is literally insane how few qualms I have.This take is so bad that karma went back in time and sabotaged his passion project. again The Way of the Samurai has prevented me from being honest with my doctor. @msdanifernandez am I? Do you really want to know? I am years ago I was waiting for a train to be announced at Penn Station and I sneezed right on the back of a woman'… @LizArcury I do not understand... the Paddington model has been made and exists on a computer, yet he is not in every movie?????Can't wait! @TheHardMantra Dude, you gotta get into streaming! @UrsulaLawrence “Canada was fine, but I wasn’t even eaten by barking spiders.”
Join me in the studio where I will play for you my two, buckle my shoe Three four, buckle the door Five six, buckles buckles Buckle me, buckle me, eight, bucklesMe after I have made right what was once wrong. @hellyesbrandon Canvas.I had my brain scanned once and I asked the doctors for a print so I could have something to yell at.Someone decided to call the WHOLE GALAXY "the milky way" and we were cool with that? @LizArcury RIGHT??!Here is a photo of a Swedish Lapphund and you should know that they have "the world's friendliest bark" and also I… @DanaSchwartzzz Wow, NO mention of Monkeybone in this article. @DanaSchwartzzz Oh FUCK.
@DCpierson Typical bassist move.Today was great but then @cassidyrouth I reminded me that there’s a Simpsons episode where Homer finds a dead body in a quarry. @amorteamore @StevenLeaves I am just going to keep jumping..@StevenLeaves They found a cure!!! @cassidyrouth Wow. just realized that this is the first year since 1981 that ALL of the best picture nominees included the same line: "It's me, I'm the Grinch. No.. no Christmas, please." The Whos: "Haha / Oh boy / What a rascal" Grinch: "Ge… yeah. all the kids walking out of school today, you are the change we want to see. Thank you. #NationalWalkoutDay
Retweeted by Daniel SpenserAn advertisement just told me to own Jumanji and I could only laugh because how can one possibly OWN Jumanji???"Bones” by Lydia Caldwell
Retweeted by Daniel Spenser
@missbreton @TheHardMantra Mathan, it’s ice cream!!!If someone offered me a napkin and I didn’t know what a napkin was I would expect the most adorable, sleepy, mystical thing.The new season of Legion sounds dope. @darrendmiller So you're saying that we should just make a show about comedians trying to make it in the big city a… One thing that is very popular is True Crime. Whether it is on television or on the smaller televisions on your…"Lookout Pacific Rim, it's Rampage!!!" - a movie someday probably.tfw when one of the jury of your peers puts all the pieces together and realizes that they have been played but it… you find out you will be judged by a jury of your peers. bet the first person to call a refrigerator "the fridge" was pretty fucking cool.Woah, have you ever noticed: Football Footyball Feetybell Ceedybeel Cerdybee Cardi B ???????