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Captain Hippo, Better Call Saul, UCB. Cartoons for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, Last Week Tonight w/ John Oliver, Adult Swim, The Onion. Opinions are my own.

2,805 Following   5,650 Followers   7,359 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/26/10

NO IT DID NOT WORK!Just came across this photo of the night I tried to be as insufferable as humanly possible in order to get it out o… see Ben Shapiro is already wearing his Halloween costume. @mileskahn @cassidyrouth @MikeDrucker @OhNoSheTwitnt @mileskahn @MikeDrucker I KNOW! I watched someone play it for five minutes and it is ruining my life! @mileskahn @MikeDrucker Ugh, fine.
@kibblesmith The detail on those laser coal eyes is astounding. @mileskahn @MikeDrucker I will save you, give me the game.Spooky and cozy are the only areas of my brain that can hear the word “harvest” and they fucking groove on it.A skeleton hanging from my neighbor’s roof? What a crisp delight. The fear smells of cinnamon.October is my favorite month because the spooky and cozy parts of my brain finally stop arguing and just fuck already. @LouisPeitzman That joke killed me. I love the show so much.I am just happy that, years from now when I am long dead, people will still be able to go to a theater and see a wh… @kibblesmith Honestly good for them for going with “invulnerable” instead of abominable. @PFTompkins @DaveSFoley This is the photo I would show my barber for years until I decided I wanted to make friends.I heard that in the new movie, The Joker and The Nun kiss! @BDF331 I will not rest until I am mediocre at every art form.One thing you might not know about me is that I make bad surf music. @yeah_well_okay Doorbells should be in the inside of the house and need to be MUCH louder.Me: “Hey Prof, how about this house idea?” Professor: “That’s a car.” Me: “I want to break the land speed record fo… beep, I am trying to brush my teeth in here!I got kicked out of architecture school for insisting that houses should have horns like cars do.
Before this thread dies, I would just like everyone to know that I have written a non-Purge movie about birds. Here… @TheHardMantra Just saw these. @TheHardMantra I support this.Thanks to my hairline I have graduated from not booking “hipster” roles to not booking “sad uncle” roles.
We did it! See you at TEH OSCARZ! @johnmoe @mathowie Haha, I'm trying to imagine a scenario where Tarzan would need to rob a zombie. @alexsnog Alex, I am transcending!!!! @corypalmer @CoryAlex Alan Thicke.Please help! If this tweet reaches 200K likes, Twitter legally has to fund this stupid movie.I have finally figured out what this website is for. @AliseNavidad @corypalmer Hahaha. @brianjayjones Thanks! Stay tuned for probably a lot more Tarzan content. @AdamWeinrib @rachsyme George Burns @vornietom Benjamin Bratt @somethingsavage Oh shit, this is very cool.Names that sound like Tarzan describing people: William Hurt Emily Blunt Edgar Wright John Goodman Shelley Long Ti… @corypalmer @cassidyrouth No, I am proud of my friend!I love my stupid job so goddamn much. @carolrhartsell In space, no one can hear the teens. @msdanifernandez @joshgondelman Sold! 👨🏻‍🍳👌🔪 @joshgondelman @msdanifernandez I’m listening. @msdanifernandez Good so far. @youranalogbuddy My god. This is very good. @youranalogbuddy Please do not search my twitter for “Monkeybone” or your computer will explode. @socarolinesays I feel bullied. @msdanifernandez Dani nooooooo! @youranalogbuddy I don’t know what this means but fine I will be James Bond.Just got off the phone with the studio, they said they can’t make my purge movie but asked if I wanted to be James… @isaacinspace Nobody liked my “remake the muppets but with regular people instead of those weird puppets” pitch. @ambertamblyn @theferocity @blumhouse !!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ @BDF331 @amorteamore This is why we are such good friends. @amorteamore All cans are not full of soup. I have this tattooed on my sternum.It worked, everyone! I just left a meeting with Hollywood and they said to please make appointment instead of bargi… new followers, I hope you like soup content.
Hi, my actual dream casting for the pals would be America Ferrera and Jenn Lyon.I have been thinking about it a lot and my dream casting for the two pals would be Paddington 1 and Paddington 2.What the youngsters do not understand is that they can call us midsters and oldsters. @StevenLeaves I'll think about it.Changedotorg put American Vandal in a museum @corypalmer @khealywu I understand. @matt_okeefe You're very right! I'm sorry! @erinbiba I sold my soul to go viral and totally Gift of the Magi'd the whole thing. @erinbiba Haha, you can't kill a soul that's already dead!!!!!!{cries}!!! @khealywu @corypalmer I kind of like Cory's now but sure!Sometimes at work I get to have fun mimicking the style of someone much better than me. @BJMendelson Okay! @corypalmer Cory no please. @StevenLeaves That's the stuff. @josh_fulton @carolrhartsell @SeanCrespo @nedehrbar EMILY WOULD NEVER BRING PHYSICAL HARM TO ANYONE. Only devastating psychological harm.i am "graphics people" and i did this before they asked for it!!
Retweeted by Daniel Spenser
@HalleKiefer I only read BOOKS about FONTS. @somethingsavage I'm back home now, it was just for weekend. It was fun, but I wasn't angry enough so I came back to NY. @somethingsavage I am hollow and must be filled with attention who wants to be my friendYou coming to say "Weekend At Purgey's." @HalleKiefer I am so confused! This movie doesn't take place over one weekend and nobody in the movie is named Bern… have decided to write this movie for no reason because what else am I even doing? Thank you everybody for liking… @walaprat Yes @carolimeschaper He says hello back, in bird.I have invented an algorithm that makes you a coat of arms based on your tweets. Here is mine: @craigengler @jason_blum Hi! My credential(s) is that I was on TV a couple of times several years ago and people agreed that I was a fine? @carolrhartsell Having just learned what a subtweet is, this is DEVASTATING. @carolrhartsell @SeanCrespo @megsokay @ScottBatemanMan @joshgondelman This is too nerdy even for me and I make puppets FOR FUN.Everyone can stop saying "Weekend at Purgies" now, I got it, stuff is like other stuff. @carolrhartsell @SeanCrespo @megsokay @ScottBatemanMan @joshgondelman Okay, fuck! @isaacinspace I’m finally a virus! @megsokay @ScottBatemanMan @SeanCrespo @carolrhartsell @joshgondelman Someone call Rob Corddry. @megsokay @ScottBatemanMan @SeanCrespo @carolrhartsell @joshgondelman Maybe a running gag where one guy really want… @carolrhartsell @joshgondelman @SeanCrespo What I like most about The Purge is that even, though I haven't seen any… @carolrhartsell @SeanCrespo @nedehrbar Most movies do take place in the Purge universe. Gilmore Girls took place in… @joshgondelman I was going to ask people to please stop but I need the attention or I will fade away.Apparently I have to be dead to donate my brain to science?I guess I will make this move for millions of dollars. @UrsulaLawrence I haven't seen any of the movies, but it must be so hard to keep track of when the day starts and s… @mperezwritesirl @MKupperman They can do both! It's 2018 when all entertainment is violent and stressful.A "Purge" comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person's life… day for fans of sexual puppets and video game penises but probably not the weirdest.That the airplane I watched it on did not have marmalade should be illegal and the flight attendants should go to j…’ve finally watched Paddington 2 and it was the best commercial for marmalade and prison that I’ve ever seen.