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Chris Scott @iamchrisscott Washington, DC

writer // contributor @ClickHole // gardener // sober //

991 Following   16,937 Followers   56,147 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/29/09

@kateemick NoEntering hour 4 of not eating any romaine lettuce and I don't think I'm going to make it guys @bonerhitler Yeah like I’ve never heard that one before. Fuck youFinally escaping the Air and Space Museum @KerithBurke Me @adastralplains YepWorking for the government and using your personal email to conduct government business is the most badass thing in…
Another major Obama gaffe. Americans are awesome, very normal people without any issues. Myself included. This is o… feel old? The ‘Damn Daniel’ kid is named Travis now.Every now and then I’ll like a tweet I don’t really understand just to keep life interestingRoast me for this, whatever. Life’s too short to waste it doing math. I’d rather look at a forest or something.I’m not converting Celsius to Fahrenheit ever again. If you tell me the temperature of somewhere in Celsius I’m jus… @Arpwel @samknight_one That's great news. Sam, I'm sorry for constantly trying to get you banned from this website.…’s taken me over 6 months to get through the first season of The Sinner because I keep pausing it every 2 minutes… F I N A L L Y always spend the exact right amount of money on stuff. Not a penny more, not a penny less. Everyone should do the same.Once a month all my guy friends get together to grab dinner at Hard Rock Cafe and talk about how much we love rock and roll @tigersgoroooar Every now and then you come across something that just stops you in your tracks or at least gets ki… ever see a sign and just... totally connect with it? This isn’t quite that but like 40% of the way there which is still pretty cool.Wow, same. I mean not about the light fixtures literally, but I do worry about burnout. Also ignore the last part b… @bookoisseur Cheers RachaelI hope we’re all able to get some good content out of our families this week @FreddieCampion Thank youThanks to Twitter I've developed a really good sense of who my leftist friends don't want to run for president and…*gets one new follower* Wow welcome new followers!Ok everyone gets one more tweet and then we’re calling it a night
@LHGarrett My first hit and run was with a Honda. This makes me sick to my stomach.I’m so angry at the Grinch for taking over Honda’s Twitter account I could fucking break something. That miserable… @Honda You have no right to do this you son of a bitch @AryehCW No problemHappy #InternationalMensDay to hot guys onlyThanks for the shout out! It's going to be a great event (and it's right before the Rock Creek Gala!) So you can fi…
Retweeted by Chris Scott @meganamram @isaiswrong I loved this movie! @kept_simple @samknight_one I’d quit twitter but how else am I going to get @samknight_one suspended every other weekHi @levarburton please explain this? has been crashing on my couch since he lost his election two weeks ago. Do I hope he runs for president? Hones… DC friends! @LoveRockCreek and @CaseyTrees are doing a tree planting along Normanstone Creek on Saturday 12/8 a…"Wow look at this dumbass on the internet" -Me about other people but never anybody about me, probablyThis is one of the better books on Zen Buddhism — and Buddhism generally— I’ve come across. Charlotte Joko Beck is… friends love it when I comment "You should call this Friendsgiving Minus One Friend because I'm not there!" on their InstagramsThe Grinch and the Joker are the same guy FYI @ellesep Hmmmm seems pretty self-explanatory to meText from my mom that I don’t understand
Retweeted by Chris ScottI like using gmail's new auto-complete feature because I viscerally hate my friends and family and want to spend as… @libbycwatson When you just want to eat hay but you know you need to be good so the nice people will adopt you Best
Nice try Mother Nature but the falling temperatures only make me more excited to run through the streets naked when Don Jr. is indicted @teamian @libbycwatson This was in Maryland actually, a bit outside DC. I adopt through the House Rabbit Society wh… @emilyhughes :)So I may have gone to a rescue rabbit adoption event today with @libbycwatson and I may have met the perfect rabbit… @therealhogan Lol I live for that shitJust passed so hard it opened up a portal to another dimension time when I was a kid my teacher turned to me out of nowhere and said “I’m voting for Ross Perot.”CAM is one of the better horror movies I've seen in some time! Riveting and genuinely surprising. I really enjoyed it. Chris out! @lauraolin Perpetual shrug emoji @lauraolin Thought of you as soon as I saw this. Just insane.
@libbycwatson Conspicuously absent from your critique is his kickass hat. Big surprise. @KerithBurke thanks so much Kerith!You know who really loves the 1999 album "Play" by Moby? Every yoga instructor in America.If you’re trans and you want to apply for this I will go through your packet with you for free.
Retweeted by Chris ScottWhat if “airplane mode” turned your phone into a tiny airplane? Just a pleasant little thought for you. I’m a completely harmless person. @GlennF I mean I see it, I just don't agree with the strategy I guess @AryehCW Fair enoughA full 60 pages of Michelle Obama's book are devoted to bashing the new Fantastic Beasts film. I understand fans ar… @SamuelSaulsbury Sam, thank you. These are some truly great chickens indeed. @NINETIREDBUGS They’re perfect :) @LizardRumsfeld You’re right on the money pal. They are extraordinary creatures. @Lubchansky Thank you, they are my everythingLook at this. Look how beautiful my chickens are. I would throw myself in front of a speeding semi for them. The average person only washes 5% of their body after they use the restroom @carlashutup Nobody's stopping you palI recently began replying “ok” to every Instagram story and it is so time consuming but so worth itI decided I'm famous
@Punkaboo agree to disagree on this oneI choose not to look at bad tweets. If given the option to see a bad tweet I say "No thank you." I've never seen a… is our first emo president. Not elaborating further, not reading the replies. @steve_boyle NoSpent wayyyy too much time this morning arguing with a first grader about whether Spider-Man eats kale (he does, by… world is strange and endlessly complex lol. We’re all broken, full of love, and searching for meaning in the chaos lmao.Ridley Scott being like 103 years old and still wanting to make another 9 Alien movies before he kicks the bucket i…’ve loved The Dodos forever and finally got to see them play some music tonight and it was a total blast
@LHGarrett I’ll see your beautiful ass in court pal @LHGarrett Hahaha I think a lot of people beat me to this @AryehCW Lol yessssss @Arpwel Looking sharp man!Just my little contribution. My attempt to be a part of something.The Lost Boys from HOOK but instead of chanting Rufio they’re chanting Ratio @davidgross_man That’s an excellent film. No need to drag Haneke through the mud here, friend. @post_prufrock I know the news cycle moves so fast these days but it’s kind of insane how quickly everyone forgot thisJonathan Franzen wrote the Venom screenplay fyiComing Clean: Juicy Fruit Has Announced That The White Dust On Their Sticks Of Gum Is Regular-Ass Dust, And If That…
Retweeted by Chris Scott @JulieAbridged Yes! This. @JulieAbridged This is so soothing!I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people ask my permission before unfollowing me. Maybe I’m just old school like that.When it comes to different types of precipitation, you really can’t beat sleet @dolladollabille Hell yeahCurrent status: Just apologized to a pole I bumped into on the metro.This is some seriously kickass projection @GraceSpelman Cheers, Grace. Thanks for sharing this knowledge with me. To sharing knowledge with me. @GraceSpelman I finally googled it recently to figure out what you were talking about and now I want to see the who…