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Joined Twitter 1/28/09

i'm not full atheist only because i think imposing a lifetime of existential angst on billions of unsuspecting moro…
@ebruenig I’m enjoying this thank uwhy do religious people think it's depressing to see yourself as just a collection of atoms. just? this shit is amazing. it's incredible
@GideonResnick absurdist elmer fudd @GideonResnick lmao @kalebhorton i only like one thing and i hate that also, an autobiography @wyatt_privilege the precise moment the car gained self awareness
@emmaroller *eyes fully black* this is what i do @pattymo the media would love to go home to their families. they've already worked 40 hours this week. but they can… @justabloodygame I’d love to be a piñata after I’m dead tbh @Lubchansky my friend congrat’s
@melaniebg720 Wrong @oxwof That’s rightBeing eukaryotic freakin rules. Take a hike if your cells don't have a nucleus @kath_krueger Resolutely refusing to log off....relatableHow is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enoug…
Retweeted by the hippo accountyou: I am a snack me: I am your last meal @detachment_red eye opening stuff @roqchams he'll yeah
for the last few weeks i've been casually mentioning around the office how excited i am for summer break and absolu… @MIZ_JJC oh no @zandywithaz @somethingawful bill momher. thanks @ROwartooth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯hire tara shoe she is good and nice @thetomzone thats correct @AllenVentano 19 vultures all labeled JEWS circling the statute of liberty @pattymo bill is the king
@floozyesq i love to study property and have all my notes be diagrams like an insane detective's bulletin board[aggressively] i am HAVING a NICE TIME!!
@BlissfulNapper he's greatDon’t 👏 tell 👏 my booty 👏 to clap 👏 unless you’ve provided it with an applause-worthy performance
@AvOpJGA got some bad news....gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
@Ugarles It’s really good. At the al Smith dinner he interrupted himself to say something like “these are some corny jokes”I like to level the playing field by signing up for a service and then sending that company worthless junk mail eve… @omgjesstweets 😏 @JordanUhl Get in on the actThe anthem, the flag, and the troops are being disrespected. You can only respect one. Which do you choose
@Ugarles @jdcrowley @elonmusk @karaswisher @alexnpress All dashes are good actually @haircut_hippie They always check food, it’s weirdI'm amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I'm a Euro…
Retweeted by the hippo account
@feraljokes donating to the fox news lady's gofundme to protest this crime @DavidKlion you've gone full maga and i've no choice but to resist you now @Ugarles suppressing minor acts of disobedience has never hilariously backfired @ryanlcooper i thought this dumbshit controversy was over months ago, were they doing focus groups this entire timejunk email: you can delete me with one click or you can unsubscribe by embarking on a labyrinthine quest of danger… oh well, i guess you can't please everyone me (normal, healthy): that's quitter talk, i'll never stop trying a… @Ugarles @HonoredSpirit Huge loophole in the constitution that you can say “no thank you” when you get sentenced @pixelatedboat Now that you know will you buy it
@robwhisman Please stop this. My cartoon handsaw business is dying
you can save approximately $200K by not going to harvard and just putting it on your resume
@NormsRespecter Just had a good (Great!) meeting with Carthage @AllieGoertz @mtsw the germanic tribes were all on ritalin @NormsRespecter the allies were proving his point
The government (furious): arghh we can’t do tyranny because Bill from Facebook has a gun!!!ok i’ll explain rain for all the small-town folk who might be confused. you know when you go to the grocery store a…
Retweeted by the hippo account @randygdub @randygdub @Ugarles i think a good portion of this country would gladly accept hereditary monarchy if the rulers were bae enoughIt’s amazing that you can just post stuff on here. People have lost jobs for their tweets. The website doesn’t even…
@NormsRespecter quickly approaching my idea of a utopia, where every instagram girl is an operator @AllenVentano allen thank you for being an honorable man in this field full of snakes and thieves @Ugarles if i'm being charitable i'll say older people (who still aren't very online) have never experienced the va… @vs_cointelpro there was never a time when it was normal to be mad about susan sarandon but 2 years after the wretc…
@zandywithaz beautiful day much??For whom the ass sweats
@alexnpress alex do not read this, alex's mom...... @haircut_hippie it never fell its taking a break....we have this anti-quitting ethos in this country and it's dumb. quitting is great. second only to never starting in the first place @floozyesq @AllezLesBoulez the midwest is beautiful and innocent @kept_simple you sir, win the internet today @surfbordt desperately grasping for content i can post to my fans to continue the grift that sustains mei cant believe this year they're replacing father's day with mother's day 2: the reckoning. has feminism gone too far
@leslieleeiii network tv will save the republicDonkey Kong
Retweeted by the hippo account @frozenblueber if you think that's torture you havent been to my improv show!!![to any woman i see on mother's day] ma'am, thank you for your service