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282 Following   206,260 Followers   2,154 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/28/09


Hello friends, I am alive. I’m not making tweets because I don’t want to 🙂
7/23
2018
why do religious people think it's depressing to see yourself as just a collection of atoms. just? this shit is amazing. it's incredible
6/2
2018
@GideonResnick absurdist elmer fudd @GideonResnick lmao @wyatt_privilege the precise moment the car gained self awareness
6/1
2018
@emmaroller *eyes fully black* this is what i do @pattymo the media would love to go home to their families. they've already worked 40 hours this week. but they can… https://t.co/obgCyBDHdV @justabloodygame I’d love to be a piñata after I’m dead tbh
5/31
2018
@AllenVentano 19 vultures all labeled JEWS circling the statute of liberty @pattymo bill is the king
5/29
2018
@floozyesq i love to study property and have all my notes be diagrams like an insane detective's bulletin board
5/28
2018
@AvOpJGA got some bad news....gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
5/26
2018
@Ugarles It’s really good. At the al Smith dinner he interrupted himself to say something like “these are some corny jokes” @JordanUhl Get in on the act
5/25
2018
@alexnpress All dashes are good actually @haircut_hippie They always check food, it’s weird
5/24
2018
@DavidKlion you've gone full maga and i've no choice but to resist you now @Ugarles suppressing minor acts of disobedience has never hilariously backfired @ryanlcooper i thought this dumbshit controversy was over months ago, were they doing focus groups this entire time @Ugarles @HonoredSpirit Huge loophole in the constitution that you can say “no thank you” when you get sentenced
5/23
2018
@robwhisman Please stop this. My cartoon handsaw business is dying
5/22
2018
@NormsRespecter Just had a good (Great!) meeting with Carthage @NormsRespecter the allies were proving his point
5/20
2018
The government (furious): arghh we can’t do tyranny because Bill from Facebook has a gun!!! @randygdub https://t.co/tGN6IKXTVh @randygdub https://t.co/rfsusFI3M3 @Ugarles i think a good portion of this country would gladly accept hereditary monarchy if the rulers were bae enoughIt’s amazing that you can just post stuff on here. People have lost jobs for their tweets. The website doesn’t even… https://t.co/PbWmywaszJ
5/19
2018
@NormsRespecter quickly approaching my idea of a utopia, where every instagram girl is an operator @AllenVentano allen thank you for being an honorable man in this field full of snakes and thieves @vs_cointelpro there was never a time when it was normal to be mad about susan sarandon but 2 years after the wretc… https://t.co/WStOIDEEC4
5/15
2018
@zandywithaz beautiful day much??
5/14
2018
@alexnpress alex do not read this, alex's mom......we have this anti-quitting ethos in this country and it's dumb. quitting is great. second only to never starting in the first place @floozyesq @AllezLesBoulez the midwest is beautiful and innocent @kept_simple you sir, win the internet today
5/13
2018
@leslieleeiii network tv will save the republic[to any woman i see on mother's day] ma'am, thank you for your service @wyatt_privilege top notch dog here @thetomzone evening officer @muhmentions they banned him twice. They had no idea what they would create...
5/12
2018
@prawn_meat get any wire that isn't barbed out of my face @Skeletextman executioner: any last requests me: send nyou (typical male): send nudes me (different, only wants a woman for her mind): send nudes of you doing algebra
5/11
2018
@floozyesq @AllezLesBoulez sorry feta is bad to me but I realize I am a small minority in this correct opinion @floozyesq @AllezLesBoulez absolutely do not @Trillburne Lmao this is bordering on satire @randygdub @boring_as_heck do u guys want to meet me at a coffee shop to whisper about politicsthe mugs are getting more specific https://t.co/ALcA8pZkI9 @daveanthony @alexnpress @feraljokes its like the dang black mirror!! @alexnpress @feraljokes what I’m getting from this is the seriousness with which they treat these things depends on… https://t.co/xrt3pGocKt @BuckyIsotope they're going to reduce the character limit nowif you tweet something mean about a billionaire 18 people will reply with "yeah? well did YOU build amazon? i dont… https://t.co/MdEM2iYOry
5/10
2018
@audipenny all of you are fake. a figment of a landlord's fever dream @JordanUhl Oh nooo @classiclib3ral @boring_as_heck check this out: tide pods...made of soy @THEjeromesix It’s not that bad! If you don’t mind eating approximately the same things every day
5/9
2018
@frozenblueber i love wearing a diaper and wallowing in my own waste on a city street yelling TRIGGERED?? to confused passersby @vs_cointelpro find a niche and get grifting baby @kept_simple is the last one real. that's...a dick and balls @sad_tree smaller score is better, it's like golf
5/8
2018
my IQ is nearly perfect (99) but please keep telling me how smart you are 😂
5/7
2018
@audipenny ohh look at deep pockets moneybags ovah here
5/6
2018
@ElleOhHell @pattymo excellent film @classiclib3ral folks, all the other countries are friend zoning us. how stupid are we? @CulturalGm6 its from the anti putin demonstrations in russia i think @cushbomb missed opportunity to do the soy faceDon't ask me why I do anything, it's only ever for one of two reasons: -I've thought it through and I want to -I ha… https://t.co/MkcW13ztaX
5/5
2018
@kath_krueger mitt: you may think i want a nice fillet, but no. it is a plebeian meat sack for me, please sonic employee: ok @gilbertjasono holy moly
5/4
2018
@Ugarles @muhmentions @jimpjorps rudy is going to find exculpatory evidence and destroy it out of habitmy favorite tweets are where a guy presents an obviously personal problem as a broad social one. "folks, it's time… https://t.co/a6x29K7jja @floozyesq Tarte inc @ChaseMit this. is not. normal
5/3
2018
@AllenVentano they should take obama's away and give it to trump
5/2
2018
@kath_krueger everyone will assume trump has a secret illness but really the records just say he's 98% gelatin @frozenblueber except me, against all odds i am everyone's friend @alexnpress @KrangTNelson triggered? @DavidKlion [at the job interview] you may have noticed i've been defending you online... @pharmasean *with extreme pride* over 600 square feet, all to my sefl... @libbycwatson for the cold weather likers it's always something to do with sweating and how they dont like it. dont… https://t.co/W7V2sAzJM7 @ebruenig imagine attending this disgusting orgy for years and only stopping after the bad comedian was mean @Lubchansky https://t.co/5XgHMTy5V9 @Ygrene its beautiful @tofu_trotskyist i refuse to explain myself and will never relent @tofu_trotskyist My apartment and office are both barren and I get grief constantly
5/1
2018
online is great because it enables me to meet people who are on the same frequency of weird as me, and it's all for… https://t.co/u0O1ED6LF5 @Lubchansky gotta maintain my access to the comfortable in order to, uh afflict them at some point down the line that never actually comes @historyinflicks https://t.co/zRJAicf79u @historyinflicks everything comes in threes so at least one other cosmically stupid thing has to happen imminently @floozyesq the most concise and cogent analysis of a legal career imo https://t.co/zivYHvKyCU @floozyesq it took me 2 before finally getting out too @Ugarles the year is 2042...episode 8 of mic dicta is almost ready @charles_kinbote @kath_krueger @BrandyLJensen *story continues for longer than 1 full day* We've been talking about… https://t.co/1qJltxia1J @kenklippenstein simultaneously stepping on real and virtual rakes
4/30
2018
@feraljokes excited for next year's guest, cum town @DavidKlion ms sanders...my dm's are open @charles_kinbote wolf watch @ByYourLogic golden retriever brain
4/29
2018

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