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The one failed lizard person. I go between tweeting about lizards and capital gains. podcast: @behavestrange & @holdmybread

576 Following   1,332 Followers   3,063 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/09


So steamyAnyways there a sex scene in ep4 of Jack RyanWho’s watching Jack Ryan tonight?!
9/19
2018
When clouds rain their eyes roll back in their heads. @thisdiegolopez Sounds like something someone learned would sayIf you defeat a parent in combat you should get the family dog.
9/18
2018
Kettle chips are a true sign a bodega will be over priced.
9/17
2018
Just asked someone if they could take their backpack off on the subway. Waiting for my justice league welcome email.
9/15
2018
Hate cold weather, makes it hard to sweat out my hangovers.
9/11
2018
@sirchrisdaniels Becoming my favorite gif
9/10
2018
🌙🌙 10:15 in the East Village @AriShaffir @bonniemcfarlane @JamesLmattern @mattwasfunny @CatZini @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/uKcp1V93J0
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen🎉 #TGIF tonight at 9:15 @bonniemcfarlane @chucknicecomic @mattwasfunny @mattpavich @HFoleyOnIce @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/INjY43ktlb
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/8
2018
When I hear an old man sneeze/yell my flight or fight response kicks inIf you’re with me in this fight, can you sign my petition opposing Judge Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Cour… https://t.co/0ApxwivaMK
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/6
2018
@aimeeroseranger Oh I wouldn’t warn anybody
9/5
2018
@thelashlaugh Fancy boy @thelashlaugh Even from Denver you’re a pain
9/3
2018
Sometimes instead of tweeting I’ll just text it to the only 2 ppl who like my tweetsTNT 8:30 @HalyardsBar w @ParisSashay @RiaWojo @Jeffmascheen @ChrisMillhouse @NicoleConlan hosted by @M_STOKS !… https://t.co/1tnSMg8Q2m
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/31
2018
What if walls could talk but didn’t like gossip @xlcomedy Not that I know ofOnly reason I’d buy a motorcycle is to get my genitals vibrated. @sam_ash @STEEEZUSCHRIST The dog from Up loved my bit on pesticides.
8/30
2018
Would not be surprised if Larry King admitted to being mostly spiders.This is the type of heat our parents warned our butt cheeks about.
8/29
2018
Tonight at 8p in the Village! @CaliseHawkins @noredavis @GibranSaleem @KevinRyanComedy @mattmcclowry @HisNameIsAndyhttps://t.co/xtq1eRjKGi
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenI don’t dip my fries in frostys that’s gross. I dip them in ketchup then a frosty like a normal person.
8/27
2018
Just spent $8 at steak and shake ooooohh I’m gonna get faaaat
8/25
2018
Every person over 55 needs to get one kill in Fortnite for our society to truly advance.Also @kinggizzardband come to NYC soon @thelashlaugh Go to the moon baby @tveitprivilege How dare you lolking gizzard and the lizard wizard is very cool band and I feel like I’m cool again.
8/24
2018
Longest bull market in history may still have room to run. https://t.co/5xcd2OPRbK https://t.co/rw9NFCtaTb
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenMilk and honey? Nah gimme the land of ranch and lite beer *bounces shoulders*
8/23
2018
You can tell which friends have their lives together by how early in the morning hey wish you a happy birthday
8/22
2018
Hey @MuskingumUniv I’m coming by Sat Aug 25, check out the show! Gonna get real weird!Hey @MarianUniv come see me this Friday Aug 24! I think I’m like pretty funny! @ProfDressel Haha thank you so much! Every Sunday at beauty bar 9:30 I have a show. More than welcome to swing by to hear my gross talesAn open relationship to me is She gets to hook up with other people and I get to play video games whenever I want.
8/21
2018
If children are the future then the future appears to be a massive online game where people dance over your corpse.*during sex* Me: I want you to hurt me Her: no Me: ok.
8/20
2018
Counting Crows before hoes.What if the Ying yang twins were saying mesquite
8/19
2018
@ZachMartina 🙏I’ll have a turkey and Swiss sandwich hold the turkey and hold the Swiss, I want a mayonnaise sandwich.
8/17
2018
@daKofi We got two of us!What if instead of writing in coffee shops we just all go in on a house together
8/15
2018
We drop one bomb every 12 minutes. Instead of using the $717bn to fund the War Industry with our tax dollars, I’d… https://t.co/USe5SfFQvz
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/14
2018
It's the end of the weekend, but it's not over yet! 9:15 @IamMikeCannon @LeahBonnema @JamesLmattern @mrgrahamkayhttps://t.co/JAdpqXsdtk
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/12
2018
I would’ve hated living in the same neighborhood as the little rascals
8/10
2018
He’s gonna put his name in space I just know it
8/9
2018
Daffy Duck>bugs bunny
8/8
2018
The Lion King is just one big long cat fight.If I was a sandwich I’d be turkey and Swiss dipped in ketchup. @thelashlaugh Right?!
8/7
2018
@THEYCALLMEAHRI You’ll regret thisI don’t drink to get drunk. That’s what just happens. @Mattbachus Hell yaSomething about walking while eating fruit makes me want to point at people. @thelashlaugh Gotta start somewhereWish I had fruit wrapped in paper money.MICHIGAN! Please vote tomorrow for my man @AbdulElSayed for governor. His platform: - $15/hour minimum wage - Stat… https://t.co/hRZ2JFKNWI
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenReasons I’m brave 1. Tweets on off hours. @MeJaneYouShutUp @shanetorres Try to meditate, fall right asleep
8/6
2018
I’ve had a couple margsFleetwood Mac is so damn good.It looks like Michigan is ready to make history this Tuesday by voting for @AbdulElSayed to be its next Governor. L… https://t.co/BrbNEDfdve
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenPerfect day to eat a rat whole and lay in the sun as you digest.
8/5
2018
@daKofi Lol needed you Wednesday @aimeeroseranger Aimee woops sorry! nice Geoff response though. @Schrotime P you could learn from Amy @aimeeroseranger Thanks AmyWent on a date and she got drunk and gave her number to another guy at the bar..don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.
8/4
2018
What if money was snakes? I’d be like woah 4 snakes for a bottle of water. Has the world gone insane?!Today is the day. My album is now available everywhere via @thirdmanrecords Buy the vinyl:… https://t.co/EPy6ZjJJ5P
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen @i_am_sutherland SuperIf you have to stop walking to text then go to a coffee shop and write it there.Dating apps either give you too much confidence or none at all.New episode of my podcast is out RIGHT NOW click this link and download the newest episode. Leave us a 5 star revie… https://t.co/xqzB8GG02v
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/3
2018
Keep your step son away from my wife! - CEO of brazzers
8/2
2018
I like going to strip clubs and watching reruns of Kevin can wait on close caption.
8/1
2018
@TomAThakkar Just told Tim and Dave this via textThe fact Brain even hung out with pinky speaks volumes about emotional intelligence.Missed a train so I Tom Cruise ran and got there quickerI’ll be at @ZaniesChicago 8/8-8/11 if you’re in Chicago or have friends there let them know. Grab tickets. https://t.co/B6gzPVLMQ4
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
7/31
2018
Kick off your week tonight at 9:15 with @AIapalucci @DSGermain @HFoleyOnIce @KelseyCook @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/OmT34Bwm7g
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenA Captain Planet but he only protects the parts of nature that kills us.
7/30
2018
@xlcomedy My god.I fall in love with every woman who pulls her hair thru the back of a baseball hat.
7/28
2018
These are all the places you can cop my shit Amazon: https://t.co/l2O8jE0xG5 Google Play:… https://t.co/3Mhwnevz1z
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
7/24
2018
@MayorOfFartTown Lucky to have me @MayorOfFartTown It has too much going on! Also busy at the weirdest times! #teamapplebeesBy the end of this summer I will be more sunscreen than man.
7/18
2018
You ever want to go into a butterfly sanctuary and see how many timelines you can ruin?
7/17
2018
@thelashlaugh This is a good one I feelWhen a bulldog sniffs your pants they get covered in eye juiceMy life goal is to take more photos where I point to the person I’m standing next to.
7/13
2018
Can we please separate the art from the artist? https://t.co/uRaYnmgU1JYou’ve laughed with us before, now it’s time to drink. This Friday. $5. No, we’re not kidding. Yes, we are gett… https://t.co/WyNMDpTlPL
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
7/12
2018

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