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The one failed lizard person. I go between tweeting about lizards and capital gains. podcast: @behavestrange & @holdmybread

578 Following   1,321 Followers   3,103 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/4/09


This man is wearing a burgundy coat with burgundy pants and I’m very impressed.
11/18
2018
I like black coffee and old fashioned doughnuts, life is not to be enjoyed
11/16
2018
❄❄ When the snow clears, come join us at 8 for @paulhooper @iamjackiegold Ryan @DanishAndOneill @JamesLmatternhttps://t.co/8y6kLdXUkt
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenSo you’re saying the most feared and bloodthirsty wizard in the world is named Tom?
11/15
2018
I will be releasing 31 videos today- something I decided to do when I turned 31 in May. Most are comedy, but some a… https://t.co/yH0Eomb4jR
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
11/14
2018
Special 9:30 show in the EAST VILLAGE ft @stollemache @HFoleyOnIce @JayWellsComedy @EytanMillstone @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/ngA14DvZgF
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
11/12
2018
Just tried Taco Bell sauce! It’s fire🔥🔥🔥
11/10
2018
It’s just my dad... chill https://t.co/7l21HjvofH
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
11/8
2018
I’m hungry said no one ever!
11/7
2018
One hell of a show for you on Halloween night! @kellyehoward ! @MekkiLeeper ! @deannaortiz_ ! @Jeffmascheen ! Max… https://t.co/Ka7mXEYyUO
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/31
2018
Too much freedom is watching porn on a city bus
10/29
2018
Sometimes I wake up too early and am just bored for like 2 hours.
10/24
2018
I’m a great person. https://t.co/l58rpfsxIr https://t.co/cpvNBEDRVU
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenRecording an album November 14th at @CYSK two shows 7 PM and 9:30 PM. Please come out, I'm gonna leave it all on th… https://t.co/Ai7qtJDznA
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/22
2018
🌟🌟 WOWZA Tonight at 10:15 @ronnychieng @JudahWorldChamp @AnthonyDeVito_ @HFoleyOnIce @Jeffmascheen @lizcomedyhttps://t.co/EZIsbQBjT6
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenCatch that Friday feeling tonight at 8 pm! @JudahWorldChamp @aaronbergcomedy @AnthonyDeVito_ @HFoleyOnIcehttps://t.co/pq0yUjr1l7
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenIn 2020 let’s elect a someone who owns a bunch of motels then 2024 we can do bed and breakfasts and 2028 an frequent Airbnb er
10/19
2018
I drink coffee like I’m trying to hydrate.
10/18
2018
Tonight 9:15 @RichVos @RickyVelez @caitlinpeluffo @KaseRaso @Jeffmascheen @AmyShanker @PhilFromChico https://t.co/HQnUQkNNv2
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/17
2018
I can’t respect you if you use gifs with words.Saw a pic of an old man with abs and I wonder how someone with so little time had so much time.9:15 pm @CarmenComedian @IamMikeCannon @noredavis @Jeffmascheen @irene_morales @PeteBladel https://t.co/9CFZD3ElN7
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/9
2018
PG Halloween where Michael Myers just tickles his victims real goodhttps://t.co/Qsh5LCI3Hc
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen @STEEEZUSCHRIST Can’t stop watching this
10/5
2018
Tonight at 8 in Downtown Brooklyn! Hosting a great standup show at @pacificstandard with @mattkoff , @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/VxwwmBRIOQ
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/4
2018
After he gets impeached I bet he keeps all of our numbers and texts us at 4amTONIGHT! CYSK ft: @megangailey @TimJDillon @KhalidNYC @ginnyhogan_ @Jeffmascheen @TheDavidDrake w/host… https://t.co/yogA8Yz4Oj
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/3
2018
The first week of October brings a full lineup of comedy stars to the #Buffalo area, including @TrevorNoah,… https://t.co/aeJx1BkO2b
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/2
2018
8pm @AriShaffir @JoeListComedy @caitlinpeluffo @Jeffmascheen @HisNameIsAndy @PeteBladel @PhilFromChico https://t.co/Er1Xf9D3IM
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
10/1
2018
*Neil deGrasse Tyson angrily walking out of A Star is Born*
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/30
2018
@THEYCALLMEAHRI Tell me about it! @THEYCALLMEAHRI https://t.co/v2XbqRzd5II have a big zit on my face and I can only think to pierce it and say I’m trendy.Chuck Grassley is up in 2022 Lindsey Graham is up in 2020 John Cornyn is up in 2020 Mike Lee is up in 2022 Ted Cruz… https://t.co/1wzXqpvwDg
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen👏S👏A👏TUR👏DAY👏NIGHT! 8PM @ChristFinnegan @toddbarry @LennyMarcusNYC @IamMikeCannon @Jeffmascheen https://t.co/lwk7BxMZX6
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/29
2018
Jack Ryan was survived by his brothers Joe and Jim Ryan, his father John Ryan, his mother Jen Ryan, his cousin Jake… https://t.co/vdN11CUQSt
9/26
2018
Tonight at @QEDAstoria @AnthonyDeVito_ @OrangeFreddyG @IAmMikeFeeney @suzanneleashep @Jeffmascheen Rile… https://t.co/mrVQMyK5ue
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenIf I get a woman pregnant I promise to get hammered every night so we share morning sickness together.
9/22
2018
@achardac That’s what I’m gettin atWhen will Popeyes wise up and let different people be the Popeyes lady?!🗽 8pm @PhilanthropyGal @MIKEBRITTBK @aaronbergcomedy @Neko_white93 @samrubinoff @Jeffmascheen https://t.co/hsXjWrTSeP
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/21
2018
So steamyAnyways there a sex scene in ep4 of Jack RyanWho’s watching Jack Ryan tonight?!
9/19
2018
@thisdiegolopez Sounds like something someone learned would sayIf you defeat a parent in combat you should get the family dog.
9/18
2018
Kettle chips are a true sign a bodega will be over priced.
9/17
2018
Just asked someone if they could take their backpack off on the subway. Waiting for my justice league welcome email.
9/15
2018
Hate cold weather, makes it hard to sweat out my hangovers.
9/11
2018
@sirchrisdaniels Becoming my favorite gif
9/10
2018
🌙🌙 10:15 in the East Village @AriShaffir @bonniemcfarlane @JamesLmattern @mattwasfunny @CatZini @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/uKcp1V93J0
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen🎉 #TGIF tonight at 9:15 @bonniemcfarlane @chucknicecomic @mattwasfunny @mattpavich @HFoleyOnIce @Jeffmascheenhttps://t.co/INjY43ktlb
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/8
2018
When I hear an old man sneeze/yell my flight or fight response kicks inIf you’re with me in this fight, can you sign my petition opposing Judge Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Cour… https://t.co/0ApxwivaMK
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
9/6
2018
@aimeeroseranger Oh I wouldn’t warn anybody
9/5
2018
@thelashlaugh Fancy boy @thelashlaugh Even from Denver you’re a pain
9/3
2018
Sometimes instead of tweeting I’ll just text it to the only 2 ppl who like my tweetsTNT 8:30 @HalyardsBar w @ParisSashay @RiaWojo @Jeffmascheen @ChrisMillhouse @NicoleConlan hosted by @M_STOKS !… https://t.co/1tnSMg8Q2m
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/31
2018
What if walls could talk but didn’t like gossip @xlcomedy Not that I know ofOnly reason I’d buy a motorcycle is to get my genitals vibrated. @sam_ash @STEEEZUSCHRIST The dog from Up loved my bit on pesticides.
8/30
2018
Would not be surprised if Larry King admitted to being mostly spiders.This is the type of heat our parents warned our butt cheeks about.
8/29
2018
Tonight at 8p in the Village! @CaliseHawkins @noredavis @GibranSaleem @KevinRyanComedy @mattmcclowry @HisNameIsAndyhttps://t.co/xtq1eRjKGi
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenI don’t dip my fries in frostys that’s gross. I dip them in ketchup then a frosty like a normal person.
8/27
2018
Just spent $8 at steak and shake ooooohh I’m gonna get faaaat
8/25
2018
Every person over 55 needs to get one kill in Fortnite for our society to truly advance.Also @kinggizzardband come to NYC soon @thelashlaugh Go to the moon baby @tveitprivilege How dare you lolking gizzard and the lizard wizard is very cool band and I feel like I’m cool again.
8/24
2018
Longest bull market in history may still have room to run. https://t.co/5xcd2OPRbK https://t.co/rw9NFCtaTb
Retweeted by Jeff ScheenMilk and honey? Nah gimme the land of ranch and lite beer *bounces shoulders*
8/23
2018
You can tell which friends have their lives together by how early in the morning hey wish you a happy birthday
8/22
2018
Hey @MuskingumUniv I’m coming by Sat Aug 25, check out the show! Gonna get real weird!Hey @MarianUniv come see me this Friday Aug 24! I think I’m like pretty funny! @ProfDressel Haha thank you so much! Every Sunday at beauty bar 9:30 I have a show. More than welcome to swing by to hear my gross talesAn open relationship to me is She gets to hook up with other people and I get to play video games whenever I want.
8/21
2018
If children are the future then the future appears to be a massive online game where people dance over your corpse.*during sex* Me: I want you to hurt me Her: no Me: ok.
8/20
2018
Counting Crows before hoes.What if the Ying yang twins were saying mesquite
8/19
2018
@ZachMartina 🙏I’ll have a turkey and Swiss sandwich hold the turkey and hold the Swiss, I want a mayonnaise sandwich.
8/17
2018
@daKofi We got two of us!What if instead of writing in coffee shops we just all go in on a house together
8/15
2018
We drop one bomb every 12 minutes. Instead of using the $717bn to fund the War Industry with our tax dollars, I’d… https://t.co/USe5SfFQvz
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/14
2018
It's the end of the weekend, but it's not over yet! 9:15 @IamMikeCannon @LeahBonnema @JamesLmattern @mrgrahamkayhttps://t.co/JAdpqXsdtk
Retweeted by Jeff Scheen
8/12
2018
I would’ve hated living in the same neighborhood as the little rascals
8/10
2018
He’s gonna put his name in space I just know it
8/9
2018
Daffy Duck>bugs bunny
8/8
2018
The Lion King is just one big long cat fight.If I was a sandwich I’d be turkey and Swiss dipped in ketchup. @thelashlaugh Right?!
8/7
2018
@THEYCALLMEAHRI You’ll regret thisI don’t drink to get drunk. That’s what just happens. @Mattbachus Hell ya
8/6
2018

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