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Author and connoisseur of gas station wines. I've written a lot of books. My mom thinks you should read most of them.

1,793 Following   6,458 Followers   53,487 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/26/10

@ToldYouSoThrice Trying to decide just how big of a douche remark that was... I'll let you know... @MeganNCPeterson Okay, I'm really happy for you, but I think it's going to eat into your income if you keep buying… @malamentary You are too wise for this world. We do not deserve you!
@tonyposnanski Never fear, Stephen Miller isn't fucking anyone. He just likes to smear her with peanut butter and w… @ericsmithrocks We had a house in town that did one of those really amazing, over-the-top Christmas light displays… @ezyteacher Agreed. But someone commented that this is an idiot with a chainsaw and his uncle's helicopter. WHAT? N… @andylassner My reaction is ALWAYS going to be "how did the guilty party respond?" Did they apologize, say it was w… @MsStephaniG I hope so. It's made her feel like she fits in at her school, even though she's non-verbal. She's some… @MsStephaniG Aw, good! She LOVES doing it, even though we rarely win in football (we're currently 6 and 36 for the… @icecreamkohn2 OMG honey, if we COULD go into heat, think of the possibilities?! @tariqrauf Important life advice: just because YOU can't do a job, that doesn't mean someone else can't. I can't do… @tariqrauf What's the problem? They're cutting back the limbs on the firebreak. @ezyteacher They're cutting back the trees on the firebreak. Seems legit. Those limbs can take out those power lines if we're not careful. @MsStephaniG I don't have a meme for you, but checkout our HS mascot's Instagram page. The kiddo inside is severely… @ericsmithrocks (This is literally every journal I've ever bought... but yeah, they don't shortlist journals for major awards for a reason!)How is that we the people pay for @VP to have a 27yrold female press secretary when he won't speak directly to her?… @andylassner Don't worry, Stephen Miller's girlfriend doesn't live around here. She lives in another state and goes… @mkelly007 @tdlrlicense Yeah, @tdlrlicense can you weigh in here and explain to this Becky why it's not illegal to GIVE help to someone?Hey @JohnMaxwellTeam are you aware of the content of your own coaches' social media? Or are you in support of this… @mkelly007 @tdlrlicense Actually, NO. It's only cosmetology and regulated if I'm charging you money for it. Dumbass… @hughhowey Gee, I really feel for the rapists who've had their entire lives ruined by harming others. Poor Brock Tu…
@PamKjlws14 @reuterspictures @Reuters @tombrennerphoto Do you know what a Reuters Pictures account is? Obviously no… @bobclendenin @ninakcarroll I am here for tube socks, and I have mad Sharpie skills of my own if we can't get a sup… @introvertgay "Maybe I have a secret? Maybe I just don't wanna get burned?" Ooooooh, "don't get burned by this spi… @introvertgay This works on so many levels... @IronStache @pattonoswalt "Oh wait, we weren't supposed to actually KILL the boss? Because I gotta say, my bad." @jxavierf74 @nowthisnews Hey troll? Are you the new guy at the troll farm? Your skills aren't up to political divis… @mich3ll3_a It sounds like the chocolate milk was this guy's last straw. Came home, all the booze is gone, there's… @mich3ll3_a Yeah, but it's also pretty typical of these parties. There's like 500 ppl there, I'm sorry, but missing… @mich3ll3_a @katemayer2001 Yeah, but her friend is drinking straight from the bottle and everyone's okay with that? @katemayer2001 If he really didn't want them to drink it, he would have been wearing his anti-drink this whistle. H… @katemayer2001 I'm still wondering why Blondie was allowed to down expensive liquor straight from the almost-empty… @FUCCl @royalsolit @Lathescorpion @katemayer2001 Frat Boy sure understands consent when it comes to his belongings... @goldsugar_rush_ @katemayer2001 @joshhhhhv Tbh you can't leave the chocolate milk out on the counter. Plus, maybe h… @royalsolit @FUCCl @Lathescorpion @katemayer2001 Hilarious, because how many guys have used the "she was drunk, so… @katemayer2001 I mean, it's almost like he didn't explicitly say, "Yeah, I totally want you to drink the milk." I m… @IronStache @senatemajldr It wasn't so that they would actually survive while armed with a table leg, but so that t… @IronStache @senatemajldr Shooter came to our school in 2001. Mine was the first classroom (alone) when you come up… Republicans … Because Trump's balls don't lick themselves
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @Nicoxw1 If he could afford a vodka martini at Trump Tower, we need to eat him, too. @victor_zheng Sadly, you're wrong.You know what would help? MEDICARE FOR ALL. Your employer can't cancel your healthcare because they have nothing to…
Retweeted by Lorca Damon
@AndrewYang You have to admit this isn't a fucking joke and we're all a little tired of assholes who thought it wou… @HayleyJaneRobe1 @goldengateblond Wow, you are super-dumb. @IronStache @DanCrenshawTX Sick to death of America's mentality of "I got mine so fuck you." What happened to the "… @AndrewYang Are you fucking stupid? FUN? Is the White House a frat house now, or should the president be the leader…, I have horrible, horrible news for you: you're a really awful dancer. Politics and religion aside, your perfo… @bobclendenin Jesus hasn't saved the children from cages, why does Spicy think Jesus cares about his dance competition?Going to war against Iran on behalf of Saudi Arabia — a non-treaty ally led by a murderous dictator who butchered a…
Retweeted by Lorca DamonAnd it's already starting... My Twitter is filled with "rigged! scam! recount! hanging chads!" and we're not even… @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Fruit doesn't even make it to the end of the driveway... @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Sure, but full size bars count double. Deductions f…, so all the people who thought @ABC and @DancingABC were giving Sean "What's Truth, Anyway" Spicer a pass by… @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Okay, Fat Fluorescent Ricky Ricardo is a close seco… @imireviewsbooks INCREDIBLE. My dad and I had an argument over the word "woke" just this past weekend, and shortly… @cmclymer Spoiler alert! Geez!!!Ahem:
Retweeted by Lorca DamonI think of Kavanaugh’s daughters and hope they never meet someone like Kavanaugh.
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @ElementalAmber I swear, if someone cracks an egg into a skillet and asks, "Any questions?" I'm gonna lose my shit. @MOMof11BravoVet @TheSteveTheCat @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer THIS shall be my Halloween costume this year. @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Careful, Ben Shapiro is going to want you to describe the horn in great, explicit detail...
I don't know if I literally just invented the word "unicandycorn," but if anyone balances a candy corn on their for… @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Oh, I see the problem. That's not a hoarse. That's a unicandycorn.SHOCKED! Shocked, I say! I NEVER would have believed that #MoscowMitch's mail order bride would be anything other t… Bezos could give every single one of his workers a quarter million dollars, and he'd still be a billionaire.
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @GeraldoRivera How many of those deep-haze people get to have seats on the highest court in the entire free world? Sit down. @JasonSCampbell Ben, I realize you all think your individual penii are amazing and unforgettable, but I have devast… @realDonaldTrump maybe you could put down the phone and focus really hard? Try swallowing the pills instead of snor… favorite song by The Cars is the woefully underrated “Hello Again”, whose video was only one of three directed b…
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @emrazz Wow, do you ever attract the weirdos! @Nicoxw1 Ha! I've been up for an hour! (I teach online for a school in Asia... going on two years now and the early hour STILL gets me!) @introvertgay I'm not there yet. A lot of tiny little hurts just make me angry. Why did I have to put up with these… @introvertgay Had a similar experience this week when something from childhood hit me suddenly. It wasn't even all…
@DavidTheNonBot While I believe Pence lied, where's the link to that story? The article included here doesn't have that part. @FiveGuys Can't find any updates on your Oxford, AL opening... news? @bubbagump324 I own five. And the government is welcome to register them, demand I carry a license, require me to t… @visgrrl @stealthygeek Thanks, I flew right past it and read it as "impeach over sexual assault." @TonyRossPS @stealthygeek Thanks. The old reading brain isn't functioning today, I skipped right over it in the second sentence! @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Now, you've wasted enough of my time. Bye! @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz I don't care if it's helpful. Also, THIS account was made last month and you've prove… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Hey... fuck off with your "please don't," you're not in charge of what I say on Twitt… @stealthygeek Well, that and the lying about it under oath. @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz So you read NO BIBLE except the original texts in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic? What I… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Which Greek word are you referring to? It matters. @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz I realize you're completely new to Twitter, but no, that's not how it works. This is… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz If that is the case, then Paul is a liar or Jesus is. Which is it? @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz So you're explaining to me that the Bible NEVER contradicts itself ANYWHERE. It is 10… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz It's not so much an "interesting way to read the original" as it is a BETTER understa… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Absolutely. Jesus himself, when explaining the Rapture, said, "I tell you, in that ni… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Do you know when the word "homosexuality" first came into use? It wasn't until the 19… @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Hi there! No, Romans 1 isn't talking about sex between people of the same gender, it'… @gdianenelson @johnpavlovitz Hi there! Do you know what the writer was talking about? He wasn't talking about indiv… @Lala_Capri1 @DrJenGunter Here's that attention you ordered, twatwaffle. @jolly1766 @BillKristol ^^^underrated tweet that deserves more praise! @DogginTrump @tacobell Hello @tacobell. You should be happy that someone brought you customers. And when they are y…
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @andylassner It's like a fine wine...Blocking assholes: it's like the trash helps out as you carry it to the curb. @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen You're struggling with the reading part. I NEVER told him he SHOULD carry illegally… @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen No one said anything about it being illegal. You're not good at this. And trans men ARE men, so it applies. @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen And no one would have called the police to check him for a CC permit if they'd "not…