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Author and connoisseur of gas station wines. I've written a lot of books. My mom thinks you should read most of them. https://t.co/zBLbGMHitn

1,793 Following   6,458 Followers   53,487 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/26/10


@ToldYouSoThrice Trying to decide just how big of a douche remark that was... I'll let you know... @MeganNCPeterson Okay, I'm really happy for you, but I think it's going to eat into your income if you keep buying… https://t.co/pcJIafVO37 @malamentary You are too wise for this world. We do not deserve you!
9/20
2019
@tonyposnanski Never fear, Stephen Miller isn't fucking anyone. He just likes to smear her with peanut butter and w… https://t.co/fOGEs1D64n @ericsmithrocks We had a house in town that did one of those really amazing, over-the-top Christmas light displays… https://t.co/BxEi1BJnbU @ezyteacher Agreed. But someone commented that this is an idiot with a chainsaw and his uncle's helicopter. WHAT? N… https://t.co/qaEjHeEHaD @andylassner My reaction is ALWAYS going to be "how did the guilty party respond?" Did they apologize, say it was w… https://t.co/Ks6fpIYcRq @MsStephaniG I hope so. It's made her feel like she fits in at her school, even though she's non-verbal. She's some… https://t.co/sqEXJc01fq @MsStephaniG Aw, good! She LOVES doing it, even though we rarely win in football (we're currently 6 and 36 for the… https://t.co/6WDHf6O0yL @icecreamkohn2 OMG honey, if we COULD go into heat, think of the possibilities?! @tariqrauf Important life advice: just because YOU can't do a job, that doesn't mean someone else can't. I can't do… https://t.co/ywfcGndQVU @tariqrauf What's the problem? They're cutting back the limbs on the firebreak. @ezyteacher They're cutting back the trees on the firebreak. Seems legit. Those limbs can take out those power lines if we're not careful. @MsStephaniG I don't have a meme for you, but checkout our HS mascot's Instagram page. The kiddo inside is severely… https://t.co/5Kavfk9W7S @ericsmithrocks (This is literally every journal I've ever bought... but yeah, they don't shortlist journals for major awards for a reason!)How is that we the people pay for @VP to have a 27yrold female press secretary when he won't speak directly to her?… https://t.co/f0e3lrLpnM @andylassner Don't worry, Stephen Miller's girlfriend doesn't live around here. She lives in another state and goes… https://t.co/inul6YPRUV @mkelly007 @tdlrlicense Yeah, @tdlrlicense can you weigh in here and explain to this Becky why it's not illegal to GIVE help to someone?Hey @JohnMaxwellTeam are you aware of the content of your own coaches' social media? Or are you in support of this… https://t.co/YaVP0bs161 @mkelly007 @tdlrlicense Actually, NO. It's only cosmetology and regulated if I'm charging you money for it. Dumbass… https://t.co/BHafyEFp13 @hughhowey Gee, I really feel for the rapists who've had their entire lives ruined by harming others. Poor Brock Tu… https://t.co/GotM1JPpn9
9/19
2019
@PamKjlws14 @reuterspictures @Reuters @tombrennerphoto Do you know what a Reuters Pictures account is? Obviously no… https://t.co/4qBX3WSJQo @bobclendenin @ninakcarroll I am here for tube socks, and I have mad Sharpie skills of my own if we can't get a sup… https://t.co/hFlvyEZSjz @introvertgay "Maybe I have a secret? Maybe I just don't wanna get burned?" Ooooooh, "don't get burned by this spi… https://t.co/fkaYQnfeJU @introvertgay This works on so many levels... @IronStache @pattonoswalt "Oh wait, we weren't supposed to actually KILL the boss? Because I gotta say, my bad." @jxavierf74 @nowthisnews Hey troll? Are you the new guy at the troll farm? Your skills aren't up to political divis… https://t.co/BTygop0p1k @mich3ll3_a It sounds like the chocolate milk was this guy's last straw. Came home, all the booze is gone, there's… https://t.co/7XYpzcnENL @mich3ll3_a Yeah, but it's also pretty typical of these parties. There's like 500 ppl there, I'm sorry, but missing… https://t.co/fnCHJRIYOD @mich3ll3_a @katemayer2001 Yeah, but her friend is drinking straight from the bottle and everyone's okay with that? @katemayer2001 If he really didn't want them to drink it, he would have been wearing his anti-drink this whistle. H… https://t.co/mcIDk6TVEN @katemayer2001 I'm still wondering why Blondie was allowed to down expensive liquor straight from the almost-empty… https://t.co/clj1qSMRAK @FUCCl @royalsolit @Lathescorpion @katemayer2001 Frat Boy sure understands consent when it comes to his belongings... @goldsugar_rush_ @katemayer2001 @joshhhhhv Tbh you can't leave the chocolate milk out on the counter. Plus, maybe h… https://t.co/piFh5j6uML @royalsolit @FUCCl @Lathescorpion @katemayer2001 Hilarious, because how many guys have used the "she was drunk, so… https://t.co/ZbWWHigirF @katemayer2001 I mean, it's almost like he didn't explicitly say, "Yeah, I totally want you to drink the milk." I m… https://t.co/QW9Cxtev3F @IronStache @senatemajldr It wasn't so that they would actually survive while armed with a table leg, but so that t… https://t.co/e1MBXi5MGT @IronStache @senatemajldr Shooter came to our school in 2001. Mine was the first classroom (alone) when you come up… https://t.co/sRYxDatUEHHouse Republicans … Because Trump's balls don't lick themselves
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @Nicoxw1 If he could afford a vodka martini at Trump Tower, we need to eat him, too. @victor_zheng Sadly, you're wrong.You know what would help? MEDICARE FOR ALL. Your employer can't cancel your healthcare because they have nothing to… https://t.co/kvjTJ9fZd6
Retweeted by Lorca Damon
9/18
2019
@AndrewYang You have to admit this isn't a fucking joke and we're all a little tired of assholes who thought it wou… https://t.co/qyhfuUIzJc @HayleyJaneRobe1 @goldengateblond Wow, you are super-dumb. @IronStache @DanCrenshawTX Sick to death of America's mentality of "I got mine so fuck you." What happened to the "… https://t.co/quh2Mw2JTb @AndrewYang Are you fucking stupid? FUN? Is the White House a frat house now, or should the president be the leader… https://t.co/aoiCU80X1ADude, I have horrible, horrible news for you: you're a really awful dancer. Politics and religion aside, your perfo… https://t.co/TJDZ9rOEcW @bobclendenin Jesus hasn't saved the children from cages, why does Spicy think Jesus cares about his dance competition?Going to war against Iran on behalf of Saudi Arabia — a non-treaty ally led by a murderous dictator who butchered a… https://t.co/N1Gj4fTqVF
Retweeted by Lorca DamonAnd it's already starting... My Twitter is filled with "rigged! scam! recount! hanging chads!" and we're not even… https://t.co/npFtjU38zt @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Fruit doesn't even make it to the end of the driveway... @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Sure, but full size bars count double. Deductions f… https://t.co/GBbA3TcwvHOkay, so all the people who thought @ABC and @DancingABC were giving Sean "What's Truth, Anyway" Spicer a pass by… https://t.co/QoHds2JuEl @TheSteveTheCat @MOMof11BravoVet @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Okay, Fat Fluorescent Ricky Ricardo is a close seco… https://t.co/741lW7GrXK @imireviewsbooks INCREDIBLE. My dad and I had an argument over the word "woke" just this past weekend, and shortly… https://t.co/qdskZYbLLs @cmclymer Spoiler alert! Geez!!!Ahem: https://t.co/1Gs6oWI7hG
Retweeted by Lorca DamonI think of Kavanaugh’s daughters and hope they never meet someone like Kavanaugh. https://t.co/xWQ9Pon6mv
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @ElementalAmber I swear, if someone cracks an egg into a skillet and asks, "Any questions?" I'm gonna lose my shit. @MOMof11BravoVet @TheSteveTheCat @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer THIS shall be my Halloween costume this year. @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Careful, Ben Shapiro is going to want you to describe the horn in great, explicit detail...
9/17
2019
I don't know if I literally just invented the word "unicandycorn," but if anyone balances a candy corn on their for… https://t.co/NlgrVSyGG4 @tonyposnanski @HoarseWisperer Oh, I see the problem. That's not a hoarse. That's a unicandycorn.SHOCKED! Shocked, I say! I NEVER would have believed that #MoscowMitch's mail order bride would be anything other t… https://t.co/rlG4tMKbLTJeff Bezos could give every single one of his workers a quarter million dollars, and he'd still be a billionaire. https://t.co/TYX7idSQnq
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @GeraldoRivera How many of those deep-haze people get to have seats on the highest court in the entire free world? Sit down. @JasonSCampbell Ben, I realize you all think your individual penii are amazing and unforgettable, but I have devast… https://t.co/VNF1nENXsb @realDonaldTrump maybe you could put down the phone and focus really hard? Try swallowing the pills instead of snor… https://t.co/LAt11NQk3kMy favorite song by The Cars is the woefully underrated “Hello Again”, whose video was only one of three directed b… https://t.co/kmdK3DAR3e
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @emrazz Wow, do you ever attract the weirdos! @Nicoxw1 Ha! I've been up for an hour! (I teach online for a school in Asia... going on two years now and the early hour STILL gets me!) @introvertgay I'm not there yet. A lot of tiny little hurts just make me angry. Why did I have to put up with these… https://t.co/j7eVuPA075 @introvertgay Had a similar experience this week when something from childhood hit me suddenly. It wasn't even all… https://t.co/yWOF7YPorn
9/16
2019
@DavidTheNonBot While I believe Pence lied, where's the link to that story? The article included here doesn't have that part. @FiveGuys Can't find any updates on your Oxford, AL opening... news? @bubbagump324 I own five. And the government is welcome to register them, demand I carry a license, require me to t… https://t.co/Jwgaq8JiRi @visgrrl @stealthygeek Thanks, I flew right past it and read it as "impeach over sexual assault." @TonyRossPS @stealthygeek Thanks. The old reading brain isn't functioning today, I skipped right over it in the second sentence! @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Now, you've wasted enough of my time. Bye! @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz I don't care if it's helpful. Also, THIS account was made last month and you've prove… https://t.co/FvroRYmH5G @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Hey... fuck off with your "please don't," you're not in charge of what I say on Twitt… https://t.co/tNErP6MP6O @stealthygeek Well, that and the lying about it under oath. @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz So you read NO BIBLE except the original texts in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic? What I… https://t.co/2130yEKVne @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Which Greek word are you referring to? It matters. @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz I realize you're completely new to Twitter, but no, that's not how it works. This is… https://t.co/MT6V8fGtdG @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz If that is the case, then Paul is a liar or Jesus is. Which is it? @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz So you're explaining to me that the Bible NEVER contradicts itself ANYWHERE. It is 10… https://t.co/seOxq8Q8Av @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz It's not so much an "interesting way to read the original" as it is a BETTER understa… https://t.co/TqDq5exKPp @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Absolutely. Jesus himself, when explaining the Rapture, said, "I tell you, in that ni… https://t.co/b87FCdDu5e @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Do you know when the word "homosexuality" first came into use? It wasn't until the 19… https://t.co/6tV0MQR7sU @DANGER__STEVE @johnpavlovitz Hi there! No, Romans 1 isn't talking about sex between people of the same gender, it'… https://t.co/0QxmgK2Ef5 @gdianenelson @johnpavlovitz Hi there! Do you know what the writer was talking about? He wasn't talking about indiv… https://t.co/8Ml1S6xjpF @Lala_Capri1 @DrJenGunter Here's that attention you ordered, twatwaffle. @jolly1766 @BillKristol ^^^underrated tweet that deserves more praise! @DogginTrump @tacobell Hello @tacobell. You should be happy that someone brought you customers. And when they are y… https://t.co/kYfetyCBsi
Retweeted by Lorca Damon @andylassner It's like a fine wine...Blocking assholes: it's like the trash helps out as you carry it to the curb. @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen You're struggling with the reading part. I NEVER told him he SHOULD carry illegally… https://t.co/DI3zABXQZq @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen No one said anything about it being illegal. You're not good at this. And trans men ARE men, so it applies. @AlexJamesGold @briantylercohen And no one would have called the police to check him for a CC permit if they'd "not… https://t.co/eon2vWUPKX
9/15
2019

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