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Mark Agee @MarkAgee L.A./NYC via Virginia & Texas

Standup. Writer of jokes for TV shows you don't watch. A very good boy.

1,877 Following   26,726 Followers   44,056 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/1/09


1. Unsurprisingly, this bit of kneejerk onanism from the WaPo editorial board completely misses the significance of… https://t.co/La9Vqhvd3r
Retweeted by Mark AgeeMy mom, sister and her kids are visiting LA and we just drove past Vivid Entertainment’s headquarters and my naive-… https://t.co/8rAH97xO9ZThis is all a game to them to such a degree that the worst thing they can imagine is interrupted chimichangas https://t.co/6e1khtcWncDown to pitch a dark timeline Muppet Babies reboot where Nanny is ICE https://t.co/AaL90pv4lTLove people who say “I respect people no matter what their opinion” like they’re heroes for standing up for nothing
Retweeted by Mark Agee @nickwiger "Fallen Kingdom gargles down on $150 million box office hog" @Ugarles Hm I dunno, I feel like we need a two hour Mic Dicta on whether not honoring her coupons violated the 4th, 8th, and 13th amendmentsThe Snitchxie Chicks https://t.co/x0RQjm3jBs @PunishmentHurts @midnight I haven’t! I’ll check it out though @PunishmentHurts @midnight You’re probably talking about Steve. I know him, but nah no relation. Funny dude though @PunishmentHurts Thanks man. You good? @PunishmentHurts I’m alright man. Just basically wandering aroundThe physics of Misty’s robot arm make no sense. It’s from the elbow down, it doesn’t matter how strong it is, if sh… https://t.co/nxqYx5sN0hSo yeah we’re gonna need the VIN numbers on Betsy’s organs https://t.co/3Q4bd7xI0vObama wasn’t perfect but imagine his administration spending a whole day arguing with like a Shake Shack in Frederick, Maryland @KrangTNelson @joshgondelman It appears we’re being punished, no that’s just a word. Idiomts? Wordsmith/turdsmiths?… https://t.co/QBvAyzx6JdI grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Retweeted by Mark Agee @ChaseMit Lexington is a college town so it must have been the pinkos from the uhh Virginia Military Institute
6/24
2018
@EdASalazar @daveanthony @BillCorbett He looks like he was assembled from parts left over after a jug band crashed their bus @nickwiger 10 seconds into the fight we’re both trying to simultaneously tap out“We now call the case of the United States versus Some Guy Who’s Here For Some Reason Who Knows” https://t.co/mnEVVgKvPf @daveanthony @BillCorbett He actually looks more pleasant upside down https://t.co/0d5T3NXRF0I know someone who did 8 years in a Federal Penitentiary for trafficking ecstasy from Israel who’s on Facebook righ… https://t.co/0G4TK9kLPR
Retweeted by Mark Agee @BillCorbett I was gonna roast his profile pic but it hurt my heart. This dude’s grill is so busted it gave me a joke conscience @JennyPentland INT. THERAPY “What do you want to talk about this week, Jenny?” “Well I’m having very mixed feelin… https://t.co/OFeMMv2XXD @nickwiger I will fight you if you even make eyes at my infant son LukaPam Bondi attempted to attend a screening of the Mister Rogers documentary a day after announcing her plan to end p… https://t.co/SrxnWFC3Dv
Retweeted by Mark Agee @KDonhoops The guy that wouldn’t pay James Harden but donated a bunch of money to efforts to take away people’s healthcare @yopotnawhiz Being from the country, it’s astounding the snitchery. Permits for water? We drank out of our neighbor… https://t.co/3UP3W60w2K @yopotnawhiz Good. I feel like most cops would just be irritated by the pettiness of that particular snitch @TheRachelFisher @andy_sell I’m open to arguments that it’s accidentally countereffective, but the “what if later y… https://t.co/uYwfvNQ80VI hope they at least gave Sarah Huckabee a To-Gofuckyourself box @TheRachelFisher @andy_sell The premise here is that we’re all future landlords? which seems economically sustainab… https://t.co/54yOvTWQY6 @yopotnawhiz Does anybody know what the cops did when they got there?When you’re being kicked out of a place, it’s def the best choice and a cool look to make a big deal about it. Peop… https://t.co/fLaJhYmJ3SWhen the audio of Sarah Huckabee Sanders screaming and crying as the servers take away her chicken tenders surfaces… https://t.co/9ag7Pcnj80
Retweeted by Mark AgeeTed Cruz calling to Abolish the IRS (the 156-year old agency deeply necessary for the basic functions of government… https://t.co/uh89seuufU
Retweeted by Mark Agee @Ugarles @pattymo That’s the name of the restaurant. Signature dish, the All Lives PlatterSarah Sanders trying to get a table at a restaurant for the rest of her life https://t.co/BB3oWZDxaF🤷🏽‍♀️ https://t.co/NsTvzi6eTA
Retweeted by Mark AgeeWhen Dimebag got shot, I remember covering his wake at the strip club for the newspaper. No cover, in honor of Darr… https://t.co/OCBuoFt5hrRandomly, Vinnie Paul and the Pantera guys were staples of Dallas comedy as fans. I wasn’t into metal so I mostly k… https://t.co/7iFziou4g6Ethan has a really good question https://t.co/XQW5ZqGq0ETom Arnold has lost all his journalistic integrity
Retweeted by Mark Agee @SirEviscerate As a white person, my fear is this: white people stay being white @SirEviscerate I mean, I know. I just, at my core, cannot fathom they’d rather America collapse than have their dau… https://t.co/bzDQfInPQVForgetting the morality for a moment, future historians are gonna wonder why a dying country with a birth rate lowe… https://t.co/xr9HsBvmNMThis fucking dumbass is a dumbass for a lot of fucking reasons but first among them is that immigration across our… https://t.co/pUq9lA1LnLMichael Cohen is one of the very select few human beings who could actually benefit from the advice of Tom Arnold.
Retweeted by Mark Agee @Ethan_Booker @MarkAgee Bishop Desmond Ustedusted approves of this tweet
Retweeted by Mark Agee“Kirk, was it hard to leave your baby for the first time?” “No. It was very easy. I’m a lot bigger than she is.”
Retweeted by Mark AgeeOnly his close friends and family called him Tupac. When meeting him for the first time it was considered polite to call him Ustedpac.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeI will never understand the optimism of the people who still shoot guns at Luke Cage. He’s known for literally one… https://t.co/ygg1oB0IMkwhoa you met a horny cop congrats https://t.co/lOtohMWQc4
Retweeted by Mark AgeeOn the one hand, this is Tom Arnold. On the other hand, he somehow did less coke in the 80s than everyone else in t… https://t.co/LjJNZxIBPu @lisa_curry “I’m the clown who came to town to see your ass six feet down LYLAS”Gonna show up to funerals from now on with my signature on the photo of the dead person and say “good luck!” emulat… https://t.co/SIbatc77Wfcrossing fingers that tom arnold's trump investigation doesn't interfere with moby's
Retweeted by Mark AgeeMissed Connection: I am dope and have a great life. You are trash. DM if you’re interested in wasting my time for the next 6-8 months.
Retweeted by Mark Ageethe reason libertarianism is mostly articulated in lofty ideals is bc when it comes down to practical applications… https://t.co/Lx1qi8pwIl
Retweeted by Mark Agee
6/23
2018
Statistically, men in Jared Kushner's immediate family are much more likely to commit felonies than undocumented immigrants.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeWhen I was like 6 years old they said "dinosaurs died 65 million years ago" and it's been 30 years but they STILL s… https://t.co/Ici4c0718a
Retweeted by Mark Agee @jerrymeyer247 I like Sexton (and trash talking) but I remember people calling Dirk soft because KG poked him in th… https://t.co/dw6jgmzFkM @lukeoneil47 https://t.co/1VoujqjFUiThe olds will think this means millennials are dumb, but the problem isn’t that millenials are wrong, it’s that the… https://t.co/57JEy449IHRemember when you said her husband has a baby dick https://t.co/cbk7Z9oZAH
Retweeted by Mark AgeeGrayson Allen in a Jazz jersey is so white that Nick Young wants it legalized.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeReally enjoying these last few hours before my wife realizes I’ve already spent a thousand dollars on Luka Doncic gear @Mobute @kilmeade I think he’s sending the message of durrrrr duuurrrrrrr durrrrrrrrrrrr dur duuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrWait they’re still a fan https://t.co/gjlg5YZyMxI can’t believe Alexi Lalas is just gonna sit there all serious in a suit like we don’t remember he spent his pro c… https://t.co/3zHBwEPigZ
Retweeted by Mark AgeeBrian Kilmeade is like if Ralph Wiggum grew up with a rich dadHopefully have both and turn the f*ck up https://t.co/HAzuRbyZT9
Retweeted by Mark Agee @Johnny_UT DSJ, Luka, Barnes is divisive but has improved while no one is watching, sign Capela, draft RJ Barrett next year let’s fucking go @Johnny_UT @drewmorgcomedy I mean it’s a good time to be a Mavs fan and we’re taking applicants @Johnny_UT @drewmorgcomedy The Basketball Villain version of DeNiro and Pacino in Heat @drewmorgcomedy @Johnny_UT Yeah but There’s like two hard-to-guard 2-guards in the league. Any night they’re not pl… https://t.co/ouSfCFUs5K @Johnny_UT @drewmorgcomedy Just look on the bright side that he would’ve been a lotto pick if he’d correctly left a… https://t.co/lxncwoGrG5 @Johnny_UT @drewmorgcomedy I do think he’ll be a solid backup combo guard off the bench for someone, but I think yo… https://t.co/KujOxaLh8D
6/22
2018

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