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Mark Agee @MarkAgee L.A./NYC via Virginia & Texas

Standup. Writer of jokes for TV shows you don't watch. A very good boy.

1,832 Following   25,882 Followers   41,544 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/1/09


They should push a sack of potatoes tied on a luge sled down the run so we know what the baseline time is
Retweeted by Mark Agee
2/19
2018
@kathbarbadoro First timer going up and all their friends came?Good job of Team Steph making sure there was zero chance of sending game to OT. Everyone else on the court would've… https://t.co/kQvb0VKseZ @lazerdoov @OhNoSheTwitnt @msdanifernandez @Kyle_Lippert NKOTB but the TB stands for tuberculosis @OhNoSheTwitnt @lazerdoov @msdanifernandez @Kyle_Lippert The lead singer of One Erection @lazerdoov @msdanifernandez @OhNoSheTwitnt @Kyle_Lippert Joey Duhtone @msdanifernandez @lazerdoov @OhNoSheTwitnt @Kyle_Lippert Nick Lachet's cousin Nick LaShameThese teams came out flatter than Kyrie's globe folksFergie drank a gallon of wine before thatNew York Times Editorial: “Why I Take My Pants Entirely Off When I Use a Public Urinal”
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThe guys who are in the back of the bobsled and have the nerve to keep their heads down while playing ice chicken w… https://t.co/0nrPxceZZdThey should make it so that for every second you honk your car's horn, a toxic gas is pumped into your grandmother's house
Retweeted by Mark Ageeyea okay i was bullied too but he shot me so like whats ur point https://t.co/ZhOfiwaDdS
Retweeted by Mark AgeeAlso - “Airing out your tips” could win you an Olympic metal in men’s freestyle skiing... or get you & your buddy t… https://t.co/2PNjRDBQVt
Retweeted by Mark Agee @InternetHippo He’s smart enough to vaguely know he’s on the wrong side of stuff. That’s his downfall.The other stuff isn’t your department, passing laws is, stupid https://t.co/pWZoOzCABUContext is everything. Sit with three of your friends all in a row of each others laps in a sled and it’s “bobsledd… https://t.co/38PWy7bXryThe president thinks four guys work at the FBI and they’re all swamped and if one calls in sick they can’t do any FBIingThey put curling in the olympics because someone was like “But why isn’t there a sport where guys that have been di… https://t.co/dm7O7tHQfP
2/18
2018
Checking work email on a Saturday is really playing Russian roulette with the quality of your weekendI’ve watched about 70 hours of curling and I have no idea what’s happening, I feel like a dog watching humans fuckIn a sane world Facebook’s leading ad sales guy arguing Facebook ads don’t do anything would make him look like a mondo dumbass @TVietor08 “What my wife won’t tell you is that the majority of the sex I had was with her because it doesn’t fit h… https://t.co/nrxJ9zF7bnLIFE UPDATE: Already worried about the gentrification that's about to hit Wakanda.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeHow is Hogan Gidley a real life guy who works in the White House and not the name of a kid Tom Sawyer tricks into painting a fence @OhNoSheTwitnt @MattNegrin Uh how about instead of Adult Friend Finder it’s Adult Diaper Finder.Wack People Meet https://t.co/Jrs4VSQXjt @davelozo The show did such a good job keeping its characters’ personal lives a complete mystery, the moments where… https://t.co/ulJVesqrXM @davelozo It’s a good one. Drunk Lenny’s only appearance.I felt extremely represented in #BlackPanther by the middle-aged white character who was excited to help out in small ways when appropriate.
Retweeted by Mark Agee
2/17
2018
What’s ridiculous is that traffic is bad. There’s a million extra people here for all-star weekend and no ones at t… https://t.co/GpSbxGIj3D @samstein Chris Kyle was a gun expert, a sniper with over 150 confirmed kills, yet even he wasn't able to stop a de… https://t.co/Xb7gch0LnA
Retweeted by Mark Agee @weismanjake @DesiJed @jakefogelnest @corporate Jake my mother is a deacon at her church please don’t bring her down tooMe finding out the Russians will pay you to sit in a room and post bad tweets all day https://t.co/MfAcBikpLx
Retweeted by Mark AgeeRemember 40 years ago when it was this morning and we found out the president raw dogged a half dozen playmates on… https://t.co/Pb6pgdCvG8 @kashanacauley I think you’re underestimating how much white people will suspend disbelief to not feel racist @kashanacauley It only needed to fool the dummies who spray paint “blacks rule” to fake vandalize their own drivewaysOlympics are a nice prize for dedicating your life to a sport that sucks shit
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThanks @thelaughbutton! https://t.co/MZBeTdhxRS
Retweeted by Mark Agee @BradLaCour Three dozen pies and I’m taking the overI’m having trouble tracking this paragraph but Trump apparently at least tried to fuck seven different women at the… https://t.co/JnjXVgEqNO
2/16
2018
Yet another classic school email from my 7yo’s teacher. https://t.co/Sgkiqqbwk7
Retweeted by Mark AgeeYou shouldn’t do this. A national school strike would cause too much pressure. As an adult, I have to say only nerd… https://t.co/8IvMbK4YL9Arm teachers huh. Mom was a teacher, she has a knee replacement and wears reindeer sweaters. I guess both those work with tactical pants.Unless you are going to do something about gun control so no one else experiences what my school has, shut the fuck… https://t.co/csd1QNtmla
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThe teens are coming out fucking ruthless to these gun perverts on here God bless them all.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeCovering your extramarital affair level: expert. https://t.co/j7mycKNhda
Retweeted by Mark AgeeWe need to add a spot next to the organ donor box on drivers licenses that asks both: Do you want your death poli… https://t.co/Cq72rqYM2s"We should arm teachers." Really? You guys are gonna start paying for the entire English department to have Glocks… https://t.co/y9bNvDhEkR
Retweeted by Mark AgeePITCH FOR A REBRANDING: Instead of “Big” government, we called it “Thicc” government. Mmmmmm gimme those thicc gove… https://t.co/5Y6TrJURDy
Retweeted by Mark Agee @boomslang_green I understand it's a great design. Field testing in every war for 50 years will do that. But when s… https://t.co/PONWzyaSTZYou can buy lots of other guns designed for urban war. Does the AR-15's popularity stem from anything other than it… https://t.co/jwX66FIOblJust remembered the villain in '50 Shades 3' was a guy who expected $5 million in compensation for losing his job as an indie book publisherremember when florida banned a 2 live crew album to protect children from hearing the word pussy
Retweeted by Mark Agee
2/15
2018
Girl, stop complaining about our Valentine's plans. You knew I loved pizza and animatronic bears when we met.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeIf you're all gonna end up in Leavenworth at least tell us if there's aliens, stupid https://t.co/4nCSwG2CE6The most unrealistic part of the new '50 Shades' was marital S&M not including yelling about moneyIf I'm ever shot & killed by a gunman, I give you all permission to politicize it while my blood's still warm. Politicize the shit out of it
Retweeted by Mark AgeeWatching this and remember when Ben Carson said people should charge at shooters https://t.co/XzOrCw2CDzBe suspicious of liberal gun talk. They are in the pocket of Big Alive and want you to not die so they can make money off you not dying.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeShe has more than one manager? https://t.co/8jlgk1vwwj
Retweeted by Mark Agee @toddbarry And it looks like they answer the phone when she calls. Very jealous of Stormy’s representation at the moment. @primawesome Come to the gym let’s hoopRecommend https://t.co/LH3Q80ixggThis guy peeling and eating hard boiled eggs in the men’s locker room at the gym is the kind of brave astronauts used to beThis is what lawyers are famous for: taking money out of their own pockets and doing things for their totally innoc… https://t.co/UIWBeXAcjq
Retweeted by Mark AgeeCan’t figure out what’s happening today. Going back to bed and starting over with tomorrow’s news. @msdanifernandez @DanMentos @pattymo https://t.co/zV7jDhtAYk
2/14
2018
The winter olympics are a very confusing time for me because my nickname in high school was also men’s half pipe, welp happy valentines @behindyourback @SamPasternack I knew I shouldn’t have borrowed 40 grand to invest @SamPasternack This is awkward but I also met your wife at Clong @RickyCarmona @tjchambersLA See you opening/closing night! @ErinMuroski Can you please call all my exes and tell them I’m the sentimental one in a relationship @tjchambersLA Either, just get the color Ciroc bottle that matches my belly shirt @BrandyLJensen I have a name for this app how about Slaver-EiO West closing sucks. Writing for a sketch show there led to my first comedy writing jobs. I met my wife at the ba… https://t.co/ukDdIUVdtGCity libertarians like McArdle mystify me. There's zero chance she could survive in any society without a shit ton… https://t.co/LHXaWlj0ToThe only qualification to be a famous Times or WaPo opinion writer seems to be "you're the first person everyone el… https://t.co/D5qWU4u2zK @ksorbs hot take, boy xena
Retweeted by Mark Agee
2/13
2018

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