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Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @MarkAgee L.A./NYC via Virginia & Texas

Standup. Writer of jokes for TV shows you don't watch. A very good boy.

1,795 Following   25,167 Followers   40,521 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/1/09


Things Houston people have told me since moving here last year: "It never snows." "Our sports teams don't win an… https://t.co/jntvaZyRyA
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @tjchambersLA @CNBC I’d watch a YouTube series where you’re basically the sad divorced dude version of Suze OrmanI wonder if Steve Bannon could just be shoved in to the Urkel machine and become Stefan Bannön. Wouldn't that be fun?
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece
12/9
2017
If we block the CW on on D.C.’s cable maybe Roy Moore won’t even wanna be SenatorRoy we’re not worried about the foxholes you’re in we’re more worried about the treehouses https://t.co/VxNQLOj8X1 @MikeMacRaeMike IT SAID TO PUT IT DIRECTLY ON THE RACK BUT THAT WAS A BAD IDEA @MikeMacRaeMike I just spent half an hour cleaning up after making a frozen pizzaThe most unrealistic thing on TV is when people cook they never get their kitchen dirty. I can’t make a sandwich wi… https://t.co/ZybHk8cdYLYou won’t believe the things we redact folks. For example aliens, which https://t.co/pELOKXKr8LHow would I describe my political leanings? Hm at this point I’d say I’m socially liberal but fiscally Mr. Robot’s inner monologuesAttention internet, check out this promo for @corporate coming to @ComedyCentral very soon https://t.co/BmI3Xet5PA
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceHaving my birthday alone to stick it to the libs https://t.co/D3eBnuaAsFSome asshole in the LA fires stole my pet rabbit that I keep by the highway. Tips welcome.
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece[reading piece of construction paper labeled ‘Medikal Reeport’] It says here he’s 6’8” with 4% body fat and his on… https://t.co/HC99citywTthe Bevis and Butthead where they had to sell candy to raise money for their school but just ended up selling each… https://t.co/0W4zc5HtZ7
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceSOME PERSONAL NEWS: I made fun of the movie Hitch, so now Mike Rapaport is using a fake account where he pretends t… https://t.co/bBapeMUjow
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceBitcoins are Beanie Babies for libertarians.
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceCelebrating by sending you a “If I’d just went to prison I’d be out by now” t-shirt https://t.co/wAyDXAdG2uHaha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like… https://t.co/eYDA2MuGTs
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece
12/8
2017
If I was rich I’d do shit like hire an OJ-level legal team to make Mike Cernovich’s alimony payments from his ex-wi… https://t.co/qL5iM25qrdI’d watch a movie about the Jurassic Park guy in charge of risk mgmt who’s eating Xanax like Skittles and saying th… https://t.co/QyY4zOSQNQCONGRESSIONAL AIDE JOB APPLICATION Education _______________ Experience ______________ What Up With That Uterus ________Sarah Sanders is like the person version of if you set a bunch of angry bees loose in a Lane Bryant🐐 https://t.co/HfF4wKP4OC
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @TweetCody Too bad Cody I’m praying for you a ton. I’m doing it right now.BREAKING: VARIETY: Tom Cruise suffers third degree burns trying to save the Celebrity Center by yelling “BUT I’M O.… https://t.co/SqxudSIiXjSeb Gorka slowly turning into James’ impression of him is my favorite political C-plot of 2017 https://t.co/LG1S7RNcjR @jilly_adams No :(
12/7
2017
For a moment I considered if I should bring my college diploma if I evacuate and then I laughed for ten minutes, it… https://t.co/UEgdRJWS3u @davelozo @greghoward88 Literally every movie falls apart when examined closely, which is why there’s twitter. We a… https://t.co/yg1f1Xyt4C @greghoward88 @davelozo Dave seems to think that was a day or two later but I thought it was months @davelozo @greghoward88 COUNTERPOINT: I was high as hell in the theater and I followed it easilyHey Scientology I bet it would help recruitment if Sea Org showed up at the last minute to fight fires like they're… https://t.co/ZoMYb7qWsZTRANSCRIPT 12/6/2017 HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE TESTIMONY DONALD TRUMP JR.: Duuurrr duuuuurrrrr durrrrrr duuuuuu… https://t.co/g6Sr6txyUv @missmayn @scottEweinberg Loved 'Wind River.'We just got a new TV so this is my apology to my neighbors that our building is now definitely going to burn down @joshgondelman I got one for you. The new Jadakiss/Fabolous Freddy vs Jason concept album is much better than any o… https://t.co/BpGFtorGmb @joshgondelman I just went and downloaded it! Thanks, Josh!I'd pay to watch a reality show where Seth Abramson, Louise Mensch, Eric Garland and TrueFactsStated all lived in t… https://t.co/EwWhSecXfZContract extention was over due for Roger Goodell who has singlehandedley cured breast cancer, concussons, childhoo… https://t.co/7D7EnoPIv2
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepieceyour [sic] the only bad part of Hitch. https://t.co/4h8LwktRGq
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @MollyJongFast I have the receiptsI don’t have to tell you guys to fuck firefighters bc I’ve seen the calendars and you wanna do it anyway, but if yo… https://t.co/XPqxfXqQcK @david_j_roth Real Americans talk about Jews with mouths full of food, the president gets us @tjchambersLA TJ if you walk around work going “mmmm” you’re gonna end up in a me too hashtagHim: are you willing to take a drug test if hired. Me: If you're not using "willing" as a synonym for "passing" then yes.
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @boring_as_heck People are so great. Literally 15k people at least got the joke and she’s like “Nope I’m da smart one”Right now Bannon’s got James O’Keefe in an outfit like when Bugs dressed up as a girl bunny rehearsing how to claim… https://t.co/Ze7w4s3yErBetween this and Gorka thinking people hunt in barbershop quartet vests I’m sensing a pattern https://t.co/1qDBk4NR4vHaving fun with the apocalyptic wildfire by thinking about all the vegans I get to tell that they smell like brisket @netw3rk @nickwiger You guys wanna go outside and make ash angels in the piles of burnt headshotsThat's not Hollywood, you ignorant clot. Apparently your version of God has beef with museums, deer, mountain lions… https://t.co/qbiU7ZOEzi
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @nickwiger I had to dress like antifa to get beer @nickwiger I haven’t breathed in two days but the view is still nice @ihatecomedy I’m gonna die, but I’m tan as hellLooking back, the number of dominos that needed to fall between Anthony Weiner and Al Franken’s demented dicks and… https://t.co/mKSTsu16eB @garza Thanks man. So far our neighborhood is ok. @garza They’re going south on the 405 bt the 101 and the 10, so the other way is worseWhen they wrote the lyric “It never rains in Southern California” it rained like 10 times more than it does now, no… https://t.co/EzrtuZLgI7Fuck em up Helen! https://t.co/90D0NhCPZHBroke people —fight in the street. Rich people —sue each other. I’m rich. https://t.co/NWNcQET2qY
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceHere’s something else cool about Steve. The Aliso Canyon Gas Leak at Porter Ranch was in his district. Steve would… https://t.co/qTtzdSqwMr
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @somecleverthing Gotta built an artsy snowman now. A real snow man of the world.
12/6
2017
@MarkAgee John Dowd and Vogons https://t.co/WUsNEPP4LK
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceI know Bannon is technically rich but he looks like a cartoon hobo that puts a fish in his mouth and pulls the whole skeleton outSteve Bannon looks like a Golden Russet potato fell in a vat of racist mutagen
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceWoke up in the middle of the night realizing Bannon looks like Aughra from Dark Crystal https://t.co/k0HCaWSYmG
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceBannon and Miller both look like dudes who pay extra for the stripper to cry
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceSteve Bannon looks like if he got naked he could hide completely unnoticed in a pile of gourds
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @doperoush I doubt it, but thanks man“Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’” https://t.co/L1vnW5ASIDFavs over action https://t.co/KSQPeWPTVC
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece @MamoudouNDiaye As a Laker hater it’s pretty fun watching a helicopter parent torment the franchise @MamoudouNDiaye As a person who will never have to deal with Lavar in any capacity, I love him.WIFE: Have you seen my *whispers* vibrator? ME: *sips coffee while looking out the window* Maybe you should take a… https://t.co/5S3hU1ubyy
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceWe’re finally gonna get to test my theory that the only way to get old people to care about global warming is for i… https://t.co/HpDQlxIBPZIt's Tuesday. All I want to do is return to normal life but we can't stop now. Too much is at stake in this… https://t.co/SFjmP6mKXg
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ SidepieceMSNBC’s closed captioning person just transcribed Sarah Sanders saying Alabama as “Bam Wham” and we 100% need to make that officialClimate context for the horrific #ThomasFire: –Temperatures in the 80s all week, +15 above normal –Just 0.11" of r… https://t.co/EeITfaBPIi
Retweeted by Mrs. Claus’ Sidepiece
12/5
2017
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