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Mark Agee @MarkAgee L.A./NYC via Virginia & Texas

Dick joke green belt. Currently writer for @patriotact on Netflix. First episode drops 10/28. Maybe the first two? I dunno, I don't check Slack.

1,903 Following   27,528 Followers   45,997 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/1/09

This is the geopolitical version of that nightmare where you're giving a book report in front of the whole class an…“Sir the manager is asking you to please leave the restaurant” Ted Cruz briefly pauses swallowing a series of wolf… Cruz shouldn't be eating in restaurants anyway, no one wants to watch him swallow a snake egg whole"Politics today is too vicious" @Ugarles Very lawyerly way to dunk on someone, I dig itKavanaugh is afraid to admit that he slagged Renate Dolphin in his yearbook because an admission would feel like gr…
Retweeted by Mark Agee @tjchambersLA “No red eyes past 33 years old” is a rule I retroactively made for myself a public defender, I invite you to come watch any busy arraignment shift to see just how little evidence society…
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThey continually make a martyr out of the guy who was the biggest firewall for Nixon when he tried to declare himse…’re super deep in bullshit with this stuff but it doesn’t matter what your job is killing someone at work is bad @shastableus Pretty similar for meINT. BRETT KAVANAUGH’S BRAIN Brett Kavanaugh’s parents finish giving him the sex talk at age 36 “Well I’m all rea…“It’s not even possible. My dick in an innie” — Brett Kavanaugh in like an hour and a halfif you die in the nomination, you die in real life
Retweeted by Mark Agee @xmasape Yeah it’s like using “but I don’t have the money” as a defense against attempted robbery @netw3rk I would not tell my virginity story on television under penalty of deathNo job is worth a self own this brutal @ChrisCubas Takeshi U.S. Criminal Code 6927843.2 Subsection Also 69 yeah she’s tougher than me, we’ll be good @ChrisCubas “The KRS-One Percent Should Face Trials Where They Have To Argue Why Should Get To Still Be Alive” yeah… @ChrisCubas “Xhibit A In My Fraud Trial” living in a new city is hard some times but you know it’s also exciting @ChrisCubas Instead of SoundCloud he’s got a SmogCloud hey what’s going on ChrisThe first rapper that steals pensions
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThe true question of our age is if there’s a worse demographic of people than rich white male teenagers not currently in Arkham AsylumRED JERSEY: Me deciding to live healthier WHITE JERSEY: My habits
@jilly_adams HaaaaI identify with Rod Rosenstein because at every job I ever had no one knew if I really worked thereHeads up Rod Rosenstein, some expert advice, you gotta make them fire you if you wanna go on unemploymentHey you know what probably horrifies them more than that
Retweeted by Mark AgeeI hate name dropping, except I feel it’s necessary in reverse. I know multiple people who know Bari Weiss and no on… @kathbarbadoro I’ve been doing comedy since 1926 and I’ve gotten worse at it constantlyAlso Anthony Kennedy is a giant piece of shit. Someone write that downMe getting weighed in at the doctor @Johnny_UT They have no imagination. They’re like football coaches, running the same play that worked in 1992 @Johnny_UT Yep. Trump won running against both parties but no smart person outside of Bernie has even tried itThe correct description of the Mueller probe is as an inquiry into bipartisan bribery and money laundering. Any sma… @MrsKenBurns I need that recipe please MattI was living in Texas when Republicans redistricted mid decade and Dems fled to Albuquerque to deprive a quorum and… @sreekyshooter @TaraAriano The end of the world?There’s an extra level of arrogance that comes with whipping your dick out at a party when you’re so Irish your tee… biggest thing you could do to save America is demolish Harvard and Yale. Harvard has like a hundred war crimina… League tuition is so expensive because it includes a team of lawyers on retainer to argue the rival team’s mascot’s mouth consentedForgive me I went to a state school, do kids ever go to class at the Ivies or is it mostly just doing weird stuff w… could’ve said no knowing he couldn’t withstand the spotlight. This is also an absolutely shitty thing Kavanaugh… guy in between these tweets deleted his shitty defense of Kavanaugh so now it looks like I was accusing this ni… @sreekyshooter @TaraAriano This is so fucking funny‘This is Bad’
Retweeted by Mark Agee @DustyGerald @shoupshouts Worried about your rapes coming up bud?Unless he has rapes scheduled on other days I don’t see what Kavanaugh’s calendar can prove.
Retweeted by Mark Agee @MarkAgee Don’t forget about Jane Mayer! She coauthored a few of these with Ronan Farrow and is the best.
Retweeted by Mark Agee @shoupshouts Yeah sorry I was focusing on the famous one, thank you!Ronan Farrow’s the only reason I’ve ever hit the New Yorker’s four-free-articles-a-month limitI’ve been in LA for a few days now and what’s really amazing about LA is that it’s exactly the same as New York. Th…
Retweeted by Mark Agee
Hi 👋🏼
Retweeted by Mark AgeeOh, my God.
Retweeted by Mark AgeeI love it when bots use machine learning to impersonate MAGA Chuds
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThis is Wile E. Coyote stepping on rakes that are also somehow his dick dog made strawberries be friends @MaloneComedy What about a trap door @tjchambersLA But you’re right all the characters’ intelligence are variable, but it’s justified bc they’re all obs… @tjchambersLA “Charlie Signs Up For NASA and They Make Him A Monkey For Experiments.” You can do anythingThey also don’t care about resolution bc who cares if things work out for the insane morons. Some episodes literall… genius of Always Sunny is they figured out that if you make all your characters insane morons you can skip over…
Jason Miller’s goatee doesn’t look like a goatee it looks like he drank something sticky out of a Mason jar then fa…“I love Trump more than my mom” — normal guy you should vote for*guy grabs my wife’s ass while we’re waiting for a table* ME: I could’ve chosen to make it about myself but instea… @kathbarbadoro A couple dozen people spent all day yesterday yelling at me “how dare you compare two unlike things,… @kathbarbadoro People worried about ‘Nanette’ ending comedy when we’re in the midst of a society wide mental collap… @Whatsay_saywhat I’m not trying to be insulting, I’m trying to be succinct. Who is coming for your guns? Show me th… @Whatsay_saywhat In what sense are your gun rights under threat? You can open carry an M60 into a daycare in Texas… isn’t an aberration. History is always fucking stupid @Whatsay_saywhat Lmao you don’t care about that @MarkAgee Lmao! My thoughts (almost) exactly.
Retweeted by Mark Agee @gourmetspud @Ugarles I just signed a three year contract for his services and he won’t even tell me what he does and I’m cool with it @defpen @Mariannoo @jerryferrara Mariano I passed Jerry on Broadway and like 55th this week and wanted to shout out… is a movie made in 1928 about a guy looking at his phone precisely the amount of vodka last night where I turned into Dril“Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition …There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind,…
Retweeted by Mark Agee @JADubin5 @JADubin5 And also you’re of course absolutely right. I saw a quote this week that summed it up perfectly, let me try to find it... @JADubin5 I generally think criminal justice debates are backward in that everyone’s asking for more hard ass crack… debate is insane. 17-year-olds are sentient humans we let operate heavy machinery. These people think you can… @geofftate96 Right?! I’m still haunted by asking a girl out unsuccessfully and weird. I’ve had to put a Class 3 Mis… @pigbutter Lmao we may have had the same dad @owengood “He seemed to watch In Living Color just for the Fly Girls and we need a federal investigation”EXTERIOR WITH A SUPER COOL BACKGROUND MY SISTER: He was still playing with G.I. Joes when he was 17, but yeah I g… everyone at CNN know they don’t have to do this @MarkAgee Just gonna throw this one into the mix
Retweeted by Mark Agee @MarkAgee you beckoning heidi cruz into a phone booth like bill & ted rescuing joan of arc—only suddenly the inside…
Retweeted by Mark AgeeThis is a combination of toxic masculinity and just sticking with who you’re with and I get that we’re all just fig… @Mobute Mostly just because Ted Cruz is a bitch @WGladstone Also. Whaaaaaa @WGladstone Here’s the thing about toxic masculinity: I know karateTED CRUZ DONT READ THIS....... . . . . . . . . TED CRUZ’S WIFE: helloI’ll say what Ted Cruz won’t. His wife is beautiful and her mental health breakdowns don’t lessen her. Anyway I’m s… really don’t know if this translates. But as a married dude, a guy just flat insulting my wife’s appearance on te… @stetayen ... do you wanna win though? The thing about dark money is that it’s darkIf Democrats were a competent party “Ted Cruz won’t defend his wife” would be a dark money ad on every channel. It’… Cruz doesn’t mean anything he says. He just wants to steal your money, his face is weird, and he won’t won’t ev… @MFHATER Oh man I have questions