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990 Following   20,580 Followers   6,813 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/4/09


#nyc don’t fuck around when it’s time to get down @ Central Park https://t.co/OgfWSIuc0U
2/12
2019
Out online today! 1) Yes, my haircut sucks 2) Yep, I do look like a fatter Artie Lange/Belushi/Segura/Whoever. 3)… https://t.co/fgNfjtU9xQ
2/6
2019
#valentinesday is coming. Join me #cincinnati at @gobananascomedy as the universe clearly wants us to be together!… https://t.co/FnU5JLE2Iy
2/4
2019
This pup is already crushing #2019 @ Uptown - Carrollton, New Orleans, Louisiana https://t.co/pqAEEgbXMj
1/7
2019
Hey #nature lovers what’s happening to this lucky greenery?! @ New Orleans, Louisiana https://t.co/sHN8JyC5aa
1/2
2018
It’s great being a saints fan in #nola cause you never know when @a_kamara6 or @drewbrees will show up at a neighbo… https://t.co/aaA08q3Ln2
12/31
2018
Is it time yet? #nyee @ Slidell, Louisiana https://t.co/YzuCbopiFg
12/30
2018
Good morning #nola @ Live Oak Cafe https://t.co/BH9zKYvy58
12/29
2018
Dear people of #nola don’t let one of the best nights of your life pass you by! Tomorrow 12/29 at @dragonsdennolahttps://t.co/C3hG7wKUon
12/27
2018
Hello good people of #hattiesburg @_caitlincook and I return to the @thethirstyhippo on Saturday 12/29! (Ticket lin… https://t.co/Fyw4N5nYi5Hey #neworleans Merry Holidays see you Friday at @dragonsdennola I love each of you like lovers from a lucid dream.… https://t.co/65naUme3lh
12/26
2018
Read my words people of #losangeles This show is on 12/22 and it is spectacular. Give yourself an early xmas/late… https://t.co/YaLFFm5qgi
12/20
2018
If you’re in #losangeles on 12/22 you should support this wonderful person and her fantastic show! Ticket link is o… https://t.co/s8mIRFCSiP
12/19
2018
@WhiteyMendoza I love this but also in the back of my mind am all “Please though nobody tear an ACL celebrating please”.Finally someone who understands my talents! https://t.co/Kbrl97rZvx
12/11
2018
Thanks manhole cover in the north loop, I will remember what’s most important in any relationship. #minneapolis @ M… https://t.co/EyIM5FrdPSHello #minneapolis it all starts tomorrow (today for some of you howly owlies) @acmecomedyco go to my profile for t… https://t.co/v2TjMLUiH7
12/4
2018
I’m not the only one who’s excited to be returning to the great @acmecomedyco this week. (Tickets? Link’s on my pro… https://t.co/PenBNf5aKBMasculinity is a lot like poetry: some of it is beautiful and has meaning, but a lot of it is nonsensical bullshit… https://t.co/ou6bO3ryWW
12/2
2018
Excited to announce that I’m finally getting a special. Three actually. Coming out this weekend @comedyonstatehttps://t.co/eT4DiP7d8s
11/30
2018
What is the difference between all these pieces? Most of them you can’t see live starting tonight in #madisonhttps://t.co/PKcZhpSBnE
11/29
2018
Yes I look like a fucking doofus in this picture but I don’t care because I get to perform at one of my favorite cl… https://t.co/kAdIlz4x5j
11/28
2018
Adrian Peterson has psycho face. https://t.co/LlDnvLZEIQ
11/22
2018
This is me in my real birthday suit. https://t.co/qEncIOf6sDErik has been through some real shit and turned it into comedy wonder. Buy his album! Listen to it and feel better… https://t.co/4rk6sH9N3N
11/16
2018
Good morning #austin See you tonight @capcitycomedy @ Texas https://t.co/X8LmI8gJCI
11/15
2018
This looks like something Robin would say to Batman. “Holy Family plaza Batman, Sean Patton is performing at… https://t.co/srrBZOdKo5
11/14
2018
Austin, TX is where I’m headed next. We got some catching up to do diamond town! (That’s what I call Austin I’ll ex… https://t.co/i6nXEYqELx
11/13
2018
If you live in #austin you’ve probably had weirder roommates so come see me @capcitycomedy 11/15-17! (And a speci… https://t.co/FdpdcSuJvzAt a certain age, you get to decide when your birthday is. Thank you @comedyworks for an outstanding weekend of com… https://t.co/d77huUB1h7
11/12
2018
Hash tag? Well it’s got a way to go before it’s hash. I don’t really smoke weed (Thanks anxiety disorder!) but to… https://t.co/4MVpkng8hx
11/11
2018
I hope we all go this way. https://t.co/lwExuDviGu
11/10
2018
It’s flattering to get such an endorsement from a legend! Two shows tonight & tomorrow at @comedyworks! @ Denver, C… https://t.co/EVgakXemtb
11/9
2018
The president is a coward. Jesus would hate him. https://t.co/1FAnu8nNbq
11/8
2018
Hey fellow NYers, we’re in good hands. #RoofDog @ Brooklyn, New York https://t.co/W0LexyVrJs
11/7
2018
Denver I return to you this week, 11/8-10, with clear eyes, an open heart, a loud mouth, spotty vocabulary, huge gu… https://t.co/IgzrvwKLh9
11/6
2018
NYC in my eyes. @ Brooklyn Bridge https://t.co/Kw3szEKiID
10/31
2018
I saw this sign all over China. I assume it means “No Snitching”. @ Shanghai, China https://t.co/JTzWVRv7vw
10/30
2018
This is a person that needs help. https://t.co/LSggYUudF8 For real. Being locked up abroad has to be one of the mor… https://t.co/WwsDZ9YtItThis is a Malaysian two part picture post 1) A ladies only parking area in a garage at a mall in Kuala Lumpur. It’… https://t.co/kLYPVMEtPy
10/29
2018
If you’re gonna play with your food, do a paraphrased scene from #fargo @ Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia https://t.co/RTSEhXqEswCheck out my Halloween costume! Scawwwy huh?! @ Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia https://t.co/n1EuoNIuMY
10/28
2018
@Mikel_Jollett #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Vote #Votehttps://t.co/ofi6THzmFu
Retweeted by Sean PattonSometimes you have to be abroad, alone, and hungry to learn that everything you’ve ever known is a #lie. @ Kuala Lu… https://t.co/ZzebY1ExEXSometimes you have to be abroad, alone, and hungry to learn that everyone you’ve ever known is a #lie @ Mutiara Dam… https://t.co/m33AUlvkeE
10/27
2018
Singapore Still on tour https://t.co/ZrEzwLSP7F
10/24
2018
Shanghai So fly @ 上海 外灘 the Bund Shanghai https://t.co/b2AD79wjvC
10/20
2018
This was the first chicken foot I ever ate. It weren’t the last. @ 真味鮮廚 https://t.co/gXUoAHzFjT
10/19
2018
@thelaurenobrien I submit that this was the best comedic slap ever.
10/18
2018
I know, there’s too much toilet humor in the word. However: this is a toilet in China. Maybe you’ve never seen this… https://t.co/Dq1jPmVK4WWhen you’re just trying to take a good ole’ everyday selfie and you get photobombed by a giant panda statue.… https://t.co/sxWUA5CWK3
10/17
2018
Finally some corporate art with meaning! @ Hong Kong https://t.co/HpkWxVlRyyOh look Oreo’s coming out with a “prolapsed asshole tornado” inspired cookie! https://t.co/l8Wj8C2ROCIn Georgia, in order to try to win the election, cowardly Republicans are blatantly suppressing the vote and denyin… https://t.co/u0YIO4mZWp
Retweeted by Sean PattonVoters in Georgia: if you are one of the people who has been removed from the rolls (your status says “pending” on… https://t.co/cimwz5Ks2v
Retweeted by Sean Patton
10/13
2018
#HongKong is making me understand the power of #fashion @ LANDMARK置地廣塲 https://t.co/SEU7RIrgS9Hong Kong All day long @ Hong Kong Victoria Peak https://t.co/N2710wctp4
10/12
2018
Sometimes it’s fun to remember what you’re eating was before it became a “pork bun”. @ Hong Kong https://t.co/H9IT7JRFdk
10/11
2018
Americans we’ve been bamboozled #HongKongNightOne https://t.co/5vUN7Afdl3I’m gonna eat one of these right now you’ve got 3 minutes to convince me otherwise #HongKongNightOne https://t.co/wTCk4ze3Dc
10/10
2018
People are like glow sticks: you don’t shine until someone tries to break you.
10/8
2018
'We all look at Kavanaugh and we see some similarities to things that happened in our lives.' — This man perfectly… https://t.co/4U53XwJEPZ
Retweeted by Sean PattonNovember 6th 11/6/18 6-11-18 The fifteenth day of the Scorpio The autumnal weeping of the pine WHATEVER you need to… https://t.co/9SRrMgvc8bOur government has today reaffirmed their stance that they don’t give a shit about women. We men need to remain voc… https://t.co/rmZOcs8pcn
Retweeted by Sean PattonGRAB EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW AND VOTE ON NOV 6th or in EARLY VOTING BEFORE NOV 6th. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. SUSAN… https://t.co/7G9Ug1DIlc
Retweeted by Sean PattonThis is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanagh
Retweeted by Sean Patton
10/6
2018
Proof that dive bars been dead. @ Williamsburg, Brooklyn https://t.co/fWg01c6MGQDid it! Was easy. #DeceptivelyAgile @ Delancey Street – Essex Street (New York City Subway) https://t.co/kYoYAGegwUA few things here: 1) I had to crop out my head to fit all the info. 2) I did Late Night with Fallon and Conan on… https://t.co/DwQOo2ojWl
10/5
2018
#BrooklynRainbow FYI there must be a pot of gold somewhere in Crown Heights! @ Brooklyn, New York https://t.co/ckJn3kn9Zv
10/4
2018
People of #nyc help me silence this prick on Wednesday 10/3 at 8:30PM! #fatblackpussycatlounge @NYCComedyCellar Tic… https://t.co/8IioPrBXHb
10/2
2018
@marknorm Yeah @marknorm I’m doing “No Remember December” where I get blackout drunk 31 days in a row.
10/1
2018
Yes Net York, I know who I am and so can you! #fatblackpussycat @NYCComedyCellar Wednesday 10/3! Ticket link on my… https://t.co/XSWrvhDAft
9/28
2018
I return #nyc https://t.co/Xg0SrZOpWy
9/24
2018
Hey #milwaukee this is @_caitlincook and she’s performing with me tonight at @TheUCmke showtime 7pm ticket link on… https://t.co/gD1tDfHjkATo my dear people of Milwaukee, I am on my way now to you to do this in 7 hours and 36 minutes https://t.co/45zoYsATnj
9/23
2018
Reason number 15 of why I love #chicago Reason number 16 is because I’m at Zanies all week! Ticket link on my bio! https://t.co/jngfpALGQQ
9/20
2018
Thank you #kentucky! https://t.co/GjipYh9inO
9/19
2018
Hey Lexingtonians! This is tomorrow at comedyoffbroadway Let’s be friends! See you there. Ticket link on my profile https://t.co/ZZBbrNrBDj
9/17
2018
I was so happy when I saw this mailbox that I quickly wrote a thank you note on a magnolia leaf & when I opened it… https://t.co/rlKKPtodOOAnd? So he routinely came home, got high, and relaxed... then he was murdered because someone who was trusted by th… https://t.co/0WvR22kVJo
9/14
2018
Hey #nashville #lexingtonkentucky and #chicago I’m comin’ atcha this week! The shows will be the comedic equivalent… https://t.co/2d1sCxviR4
9/13
2018
Hey #nashville my niece has a message for you. @zaniesnashville 9/17 ticket link in bio! https://t.co/MVvlIRKLZC
9/11
2018
WHAT IS THIS? #georgia https://t.co/wN7s1T0wAS
9/6
2018
Alright people of Twitter specifically in Atlanta, Greenville SC, Raleigh & Asheville NC, Nashville, Lexington fuck… https://t.co/b0ITJsX23A @DanceCommander Thanks! Wait where are you seeing it?
9/5
2018
@tiffstevenson Bravo!
8/30
2018
@jasonbohn9 @Hilarities @accidentalCLE Aren’t I Friday 8/31?
8/29
2018
I just watched a group of cowboy themed people (not actual cowboys) funnel beers in the casino. This show will be b… https://t.co/3HxEq7bm6k
8/25
2018
Good morning. https://t.co/q1todL5xmE
8/20
2018
Yes https://t.co/YSJpVG2YWeIf you want the recipe for this dish I’m co whipping up with @_caitlincook simply go to https://t.co/5xATuHrub2 an… https://t.co/kZPoTE2fo2
8/19
2018
This line up could only be stopped by itself. I’ve spoken to the other comedians and none of us have any intention… https://t.co/aY8SbmCwrz
8/18
2018
@ihatejoelkim That x in xenophobia could learn from its siblings in Xanax. They’re doing it right.
8/17
2018
So let me guess, this is Obama’s fault? Religion is the Devil’s opus. https://t.co/ZZafzTVIHM
8/15
2018
We’re two years away from brands sponsoring social media “celebs” to drop the names of products into their personal… https://t.co/w5MWLgLJYi
8/14
2018
I’m touring in September and @_caitlincook will be featuring so come out and watch me attempt to follow her greatne… https://t.co/PacOneFoiL
8/13
2018
If you were in NYC ‘07-‘15 and into stand up, this is what the interior of the bar formerly knows as ‘Kabin’ looks… https://t.co/ju9bRlhQvu
8/12
2018
Dumb friend: I’d never run in a marathon. Me: What about something shorter? Like from here to the end of the block?… https://t.co/d271wELiv8
8/8
2018
If my new tour dates are what you seek, this is the gateway to your utopia https://t.co/5xATuHrub2
8/7
2018

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