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991 Following   20,439 Followers   6,752 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/4/09


Thank you #kentucky! https://t.co/GjipYh9inO
9/19
2018
Hey Lexingtonians! This is tomorrow at comedyoffbroadway Let’s be friends! See you there. Ticket link on my profile https://t.co/ZZBbrNrBDj
9/17
2018
I was so happy when I saw this mailbox that I quickly wrote a thank you note on a magnolia leaf & when I opened it… https://t.co/rlKKPtodOOAnd? So he routinely came home, got high, and relaxed... then he was murdered because someone who was trusted by th… https://t.co/0WvR22kVJo
9/14
2018
Hey #nashville #lexingtonkentucky and #chicago I’m comin’ atcha this week! The shows will be the comedic equivalent… https://t.co/2d1sCxviR4
9/13
2018
Hey #nashville my niece has a message for you. @zaniesnashville 9/17 ticket link in bio! https://t.co/MVvlIRKLZC
9/11
2018
WHAT IS THIS? #georgia https://t.co/wN7s1T0wAS
9/6
2018
Alright people of Twitter specifically in Atlanta, Greenville SC, Raleigh & Asheville NC, Nashville, Lexington fuck… https://t.co/b0ITJsX23A @DanceCommander Thanks! Wait where are you seeing it?
9/5
2018
@tiffstevenson Bravo!
8/30
2018
@jasonbohn9 @Hilarities @accidentalCLE Aren’t I Friday 8/31?
8/29
2018
I just watched a group of cowboy themed people (not actual cowboys) funnel beers in the casino. This show will be b… https://t.co/3HxEq7bm6k
8/25
2018
Good morning. https://t.co/q1todL5xmE
8/20
2018
Yes https://t.co/YSJpVG2YWeIf you want the recipe for this dish I’m co whipping up with @_caitlincook simply go to https://t.co/5xATuHrub2 an… https://t.co/kZPoTE2fo2
8/19
2018
This line up could only be stopped by itself. I’ve spoken to the other comedians and none of us have any intention… https://t.co/aY8SbmCwrz
8/18
2018
@ihatejoelkim That x in xenophobia could learn from its siblings in Xanax. They’re doing it right.
8/17
2018
So let me guess, this is Obama’s fault? Religion is the Devil’s opus. https://t.co/ZZafzTVIHM
8/15
2018
We’re two years away from brands sponsoring social media “celebs” to drop the names of products into their personal… https://t.co/w5MWLgLJYi
8/14
2018
I’m touring in September and @_caitlincook will be featuring so come out and watch me attempt to follow her greatne… https://t.co/PacOneFoiL
8/13
2018
If you were in NYC ‘07-‘15 and into stand up, this is what the interior of the bar formerly knows as ‘Kabin’ looks… https://t.co/ju9bRlhQvu
8/12
2018
Dumb friend: I’d never run in a marathon. Me: What about something shorter? Like from here to the end of the block?… https://t.co/d271wELiv8
8/8
2018
If my new tour dates are what you seek, this is the gateway to your utopia https://t.co/5xATuHrub2
8/7
2018
#tbt to when @rojoperezzz, @tedalexandro and I were in a sketch group called “But, stuff?” https://t.co/CEKbkYavTm
8/2
2018
I want a tattoo. So I’m gonna get one. Where should I go in NYC? It’s a simple idea but I want to to look good forever.
7/31
2018
Here is a self taken pic. I suck really bad a photography, so thank the heavens for @withreservation! She got a goo… https://t.co/AAKaauLu9p @Daniel_Sloss @Uber There’s an app for that called ‘google maps’. You type in your destination and take a walk by y… https://t.co/suRXhAinZw @barvonblaq Missed you entirely. How?
7/30
2018
My favorite number. What’s yours? https://t.co/jMFgvXOof4
7/29
2018
Deconstructed hotel room or human storage container? It was like the Lunchables of lodging. It did the trick. https://t.co/7MvXSKXQXP
7/24
2018
I support you and your dream! https://t.co/vTjT7z7zz3
7/23
2018
This happens in London in 2 hours and 25 minutes! BE THERE. https://t.co/RDbQ1DdWxoHey Dublin, this is your last chance to get tickets to the show tomorrow before I start pretending that it’s sold o… https://t.co/T3ZctG4duXAnd thank you! Hyperbole Schmyperbole! https://t.co/ue1ZbsTCNwThank you! I’ll will return someday sooner than later. https://t.co/wDWe3rIDUE
7/22
2018
Thank you @sohotheatre for a wonderful week! https://t.co/YDfHF3cnrW
7/21
2018
I've decided to release the rest of the tickets for this week. I was keeping them to give away to friendly stranger… https://t.co/Acii2DUIJ2
7/19
2018
Dublin, we owe this to one another. https://t.co/sSCuAuVeCu
7/18
2018
For eight years right-wingers spun conspiracies about the black president who wants to subvert the United States, a… https://t.co/DzP1VYwlXC
Retweeted by Sean PattonTrump administration officials should be resigning left and right now that it's clear their boss supports a hostile… https://t.co/nHVKnBySkM
Retweeted by Sean Patton
7/17
2018
Just a few comedians mucking it around in London. My shows at @sohotheatre begin tomorrow ticket link in my auto bi… https://t.co/mbmviFVBdi
7/15
2018
Eagle Owl. Barn Owl. Bearded Potty mouth Owl. One of these will be performing at @sohotheatre all next week. Link i… https://t.co/Cki3LN9jMYEagle Owl, Barn Owl, Bearded Potty mouth Owl. One of these is performing at @sohotheatre all next week. Link in bio… https://t.co/JS74ExE0sb
7/13
2018
Sal is a man of his word, so listen to these! https://t.co/ALOVaBlIRQI’ve said this before: Erik is one of the most underrated comedians in NYC. I hope to never say that again once his… https://t.co/Q6YbiOca77
7/11
2018
That’s right! @_caitlincook @shanetorres & I are so fucking cool that we supply snacks for those who wanna kick bac… https://t.co/lQDEy8exKW
7/9
2018
DJ’s are to music what fast food is to cuisine. Yes: it’s easy, cheaper, and tasty, but bad for everyone in the lon… https://t.co/vynvFKRZ45
7/8
2018
Here’s the track list for the new @cypresshill album. Those guys sure have changed. https://t.co/gMO4BJRS1W
7/6
2018
Me today vs Me 10 years ago. The statedept really knows how to make you look your best #RosaceaMuch? https://t.co/VZVfqFFKg8Here is what happens on the next and final season of gameofthrones Yes this is a repost. I took it down because to… https://t.co/w9FY8z1rEo
7/3
2018
Here we are, the Jedi samanthadarlin and I on my rooftop in Crown Heights, deciding what the future will be. https://t.co/I6ZcwrWbt2
6/29
2018
Every Imagine Dragons song sounds like it was written on an elliptical.
6/28
2018
“Well son, having a discussion with someone you disagree with in order to put aside your differences and support yo… https://t.co/7KDw90Y30cDo this. Be a part of something good. Say you were there when the tide began to turn. Be a human being first and fo… https://t.co/JJq7rpxvHh
6/20
2018
@fritzisdead Yes, everything eske and I mean that. @fritzisdead I’m assuming you mean “hunk” sarcastically LIKE EVERYTHING ESKE YOU’VE EVER “SAID” TO ME
6/16
2018
@fritzisdead This is why I don’t trust you.
6/15
2018
The current location of @thestandnyc is… https://t.co/m8xAh53P0c @nathanhartswick I felt like a celebrity for a second. Friendship is better.
6/14
2018
Usually I don’t care for the “kids say the darndest things” type tweets, but just now this Brooklyn Mom explaining… https://t.co/DXHG2jRDnF
6/13
2018
I’ve decided to rerelease this soundless post… https://t.co/JT7YtQusToMOST people suck. Maybe we should halt production until we get this imbecile bug worked out.
6/9
2018
Hey Dublin tickets went on sale 5 minutes ago… https://t.co/np5vDXn8uxThis is our reality, all so the @NRA can lock & load profit into their accounts like bullets into a banana clip. https://t.co/UYkA0fVYi2
6/8
2018
Dublin you and I have some memories to make. https://t.co/RLtsO8czsr @maireadlee @sohotheatre I am! Tickets go on sale Friday stay tuned!
6/6
2018
Hey London guess who’s coming to @sohotheatrehttps://t.co/WHEfxdcpMo
6/5
2018
Truth x 1500 = https://t.co/gaD6Ivvodc
6/4
2018
Here's an idea - Give Wanda Sykes Rosanne's time slot.
Retweeted by Sean Patton @cocktuckdinsock Quite a few other people's beds too.
5/29
2018
I feel like a lot of people’s Instagram feeds are more interesting than their actual lives.
5/28
2018
.@IvankaTrump, you are lucky to hold your son while 1500 mothers cannot, because your father ripped their children… https://t.co/2oozp5Pe41
Retweeted by Sean PattonCrazy when I listen to this I don’t hear “Brainstorm” or “Green Needle” I hear “Who gives a fuck?! Trump is trying… https://t.co/fLCcOlD6OY
5/27
2018
Go Ireland!
5/26
2018
Pizza too. Children should have to work hard and earn the right to eat garbage. https://t.co/LKaleK4aNh
5/25
2018
Hello #portland (Oregon) I’ll be a piece of… https://t.co/1voCNSrVtq
5/24
2018
This may be the show that finally ends the beef between the British and the US. What beef do I speak of? Come and s… https://t.co/oJQaNfEGka
5/22
2018
Arming teachers to prevent school shootings sounds like the premise of a Dolph Lundgren movie from the early 90’s t… https://t.co/T2FoSqRHg8
5/21
2018
Can we make this an amendment? https://t.co/BUhINssJrQ
5/19
2018
At this point, just keep all the flags at half mast until this administration does something worthy of raising them… https://t.co/QGqcaeXSIjHey #boston I will do this for you, so you do… https://t.co/tYRucKMG0ZWell ain't this nice! But also to all future arts & entertainment journalists of the world: We appreciate you, just… https://t.co/dLUsnZsfW4
5/18
2018
Hey @laughboston I’ll see you this weekend… https://t.co/KUOGlY8PZT
5/15
2018
This is really happening! All of it! https://t.co/MUiFNGCOUf
5/14
2018
On a positive note, anxiety attacks are a sure fire cure for boredom.
5/13
2018
I’ve forgotten how to tweat.WHOREOS!!! TONIGHT!!!! #UpNComing is back @cobraclubbk and @ComedyCake thinks you should come cause it's FREEEEEEE!… https://t.co/vkCJHGXJFv
Retweeted by Sean Patton
5/10
2018
@SandyRockChic @aparnapkin Yeah but read @SandyRockChic’s response in a Mario brothers like Italian spoof accent and it’s a real good time!
5/8
2018
Good to see that the NYPD has a division dedicated specifically to dealing… https://t.co/6agCfdfXp3
5/4
2018
This is what real free thinking looks like: https://t.co/QWHZ40Hc2B
Retweeted by Sean Patton
5/3
2018
More gold! https://t.co/iQE4zwI3vc
5/1
2018
@joshgondelman @CaytonHolland @kylekinane But I thought you were such a bed boy because you always wore your helmet!I’ve made this my new TM mantra. It really helps. https://t.co/uTYdLY173f @joshgondelman @CaytonHolland @kylekinane Wait you guys DON’T wear your helmets? @andy_sandall @TheStandNYC @marknorm @stollemache Hey man I seriously thought you were talking specifically to Mark… https://t.co/cwhOEmpeGn
4/30
2018
I promise to smile & keep my thoughts to myself when you bring your 3 children into this quiet cafe & shatter the a… https://t.co/GcvwIdANsA
4/29
2018
Does your dog have separation anxiety? OR does it just not like being tied to a bike rack on a busy city street whi… https://t.co/gxPzeDlysP
4/28
2018
@seantpatton How?Australia? More like Awe-stralia. #BondiBeach https://t.co/EDw6RBk3i9
4/26
2018
People of Sydney! This is my first time to this lovely city let’s make a memory together tomorrow night. https://t.co/tlWxGeqsit
4/24
2018

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