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986 Following   21,152 Followers   6,907 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/4/09


You can’t reason with people who make death threats online. They don’t like logic. Specifically the rapper.
7/21
2019
This is a beautiful mural of #kurtvonnegut that overlooks a parking lot. So it goes... (In the end all we ever real… https://t.co/AzdQeuP5IXWhat if you're a comedian and find yourself offended by another comedians's joke? Step 1: Breathe. Take a walk. S… https://t.co/CcWQOF766z @MarthaNMcC @MissMamaPerez1 @AriShaffir @SteveRannazzisi @DanSoder @GlitterCheese Geez, @MarthaNMcC and… https://t.co/5q8LRxtDz2Do you not know @dinahashem_ ? Well you should. She's a great person and a fantastic comedian. Everyone who's attac… https://t.co/9sAMChpiRk
7/20
2019
Oh yeah @edfringe I make my return this year! I’ll be at @gildedballoon with my show ‘Contradickhead’ from July 31… https://t.co/91INy2weaV
7/18
2019
#indianapolis has a giant mural of #kurtvonnegut. That’s just cool as shit. I will also be there this weekend at he… https://t.co/Xl50HV1l2H
7/15
2019
Check out my upcoming novella “Life with #daddy” @ New York, New York https://t.co/7IzPCz5uuPPeople say the south isn’t open minded and to those naysayers I ask: how many times, in your section of the country… https://t.co/JzUIN2jWv7
7/14
2019
This is my sister’s neighborhood in uptown #neworleans today. Notice the sun still shining! Also, #climatechange is… https://t.co/Cbr5W8iO86These cars embody the real difference between #la and #nyc Which city should you move to? That all depends on whe… https://t.co/XjcCSpXsUX
7/10
2019
#asheville 7/11 #savannahgeorgia 7/12 #charleston 7/13 Go to my profile click on that link and GET THEM TICKETS! @… https://t.co/VdDQRJFAi3Don’t have to work in the service industry because this life is on your side? A great way to come back as a port-o-… https://t.co/5KdtUBq2JMheyNY @ComedyCellarUSA 7:30pm tonight @1keithrobinson @Chloe_Hilliard @robertkelly 9:30pm @DanSoder @attellhttps://t.co/6HxpM9O7Jh
Retweeted by Sean Patton @CoyContrarian And you’re off to a great finish.If you, like me, hate summertime, here’s an early #tt video to get you through these sticky-pits-chafed-crotch days… https://t.co/Fprw05Z4bdSometimes you sleep on radiusradius couch because #blizzard2016 was happening & years later he sends you this!… https://t.co/6z5L7dZUYT
7/9
2019
If you walk around wearing your neck pillow at the airport you probably also wear flip flops to bars that’re nowher… https://t.co/535AbpERzH
7/8
2019
This is out today just in time for you to download and listen to so you can face the rest of your year and beyond.… https://t.co/A7NPU3B6vZ
7/5
2019
Hey #dallas and #fortworth I’ll be at the @addisonimprov Fri 7/5 - Sun 7/7 listen to hometown hero @shanetorres and… https://t.co/GYYQC3dnNZIs @instagram fucked right now or am I just that bad at it?
7/3
2019
Happy halfway point of 2019!
7/1
2019
It’s on @allthingscomedy 5wordspodcast tune in! @ Burbank, California https://t.co/6RBmqPgMHo
6/29
2019
Quite a night indeed https://t.co/5wso0gbCup
6/28
2019
Fellow New Orleanian, Zion is a huge @toddbarry fan, you should be too!! https://t.co/wQC6DsfWFNOne version of Hell is being late to a beachside ash spreading in Venice, CA, driving a car full of your Aunts who’… https://t.co/EO9tW6bBvk
6/27
2019
Drivers need to learn to share the road with electric scooters. Pedestrians however, don’t need to share shit. Whe… https://t.co/9VC209rT4GSan Francisco has always been a frontier city. Gold, beat poetry, free love, comedy, etc. And now: dystopia. Bars f… https://t.co/t2aFv3wpPzIf you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. #selfmade (myself cum) Shit got crazy at clusterfest… https://t.co/T3H3aqnLz2
6/25
2019
Coast respect Coast. #standupcomedy #collegues @ The World Famous Comedy Store https://t.co/nA7oPHZHPm
6/20
2019
I can’t believe this is already tomorrow. See you @thecomedystore #losangeles https://t.co/JR9yLIeEFl
6/18
2019
Racist stereotypes are often based in truth. For example, the racist stereotype of older white people is that they’re typically racist.IBS: I Be Shitting *There’s no way I’m the first person to think of this, nor will I be the last. Much like explo… https://t.co/cYNH76vvFa
6/17
2019
I concur. And he ain’t whacked out on schrooms yet neither! https://t.co/vmpgQQxELn @toni_marie @nyccomedycellar @RioVegas Make him triple jealous: I just followed you! @toni_marie @nyccomedycellar @RioVegas Anytime! Thank you!My motto? Always shit-faced but never an #asshole @ Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino https://t.co/Aj0zArWUp8 @509fitted @MmaRaff @pjmuck @tomsegura @bertkreischer @AriShaffir Ha! Sorta. I chipped my fronts. I don’t have dent… https://t.co/pJXRhW6cQf
6/14
2019
#buffet life. Gotta bulk up for the shows at @NYCComedyCellar at @riovegas. Only TEN more chances this week #vegas!… https://t.co/9bTHTcweaRBravo to Jon Stewart and the 9/11 first responders. Watch this and share. https://t.co/xGzy37uU2w
Retweeted by Sean Patton
6/12
2019
Most of you will rush to point out how disgustingly fat I am. A lot of you will also point out the ridiculous farme… https://t.co/wco4P371PT
6/8
2019
Showing off the #slowmotion skills as a reminder to come to my show on Saturday 6/8 at recroomhb on… https://t.co/IDav8sPwTE
6/4
2019
Did you know that #losangeles was the first city to make oral sex legal? Me and steverannazzisi got wisdom like thi… https://t.co/SMwkIzby37
6/2
2019
At this point, the #usa would be better run by a magic 8 ball. https://t.co/dKYFAhYn9d
6/1
2019
Oh my goodness episode 3 of 5wordspodcast is today with that @rojoperezzz and now’s your chance! Get at it! https://t.co/g6gdDCVZunI am and have always been: fat, loud, and ridiculous. And so be it! See for yourselves https://t.co/j39uFeYkrOThis was quite an active week, and somehow I STILL GOT FATTER. @ New York, New York https://t.co/UD94PLUI2z
5/28
2019
These are the #5words of the story of my day so far. Listen to 5wordspodcast on @allthingscomedy! Ep 1 is with… https://t.co/p674ZCHG5L
5/26
2019
It feels like the state of Alabama is letting Nick Saban call ALL the plays.In case you don’t speak #pitbull my boy Chuck here is saying you need to see steverannazzisi and I at… https://t.co/inpXYaQ2uE
5/22
2019
What ep #2 of 5wordspodcast is available today? Who’s their guest? @alisonleiby! Let’s go listen now I’ll race you!… https://t.co/CKEjQ0ln2m
5/21
2019
Hello #newyork It’s just me and @wilsylvince chatting about our show this Wednesday 5/22 at @NYCComedyCellar It’s… https://t.co/bJD0w5iy74Holy guacamole #losangeles look what’s happening at @thecomedystore on 6/19! Do you wanna go? Yeah? We’ll go to my… https://t.co/NZfsWraod6
5/20
2019
The real issue is that Alabama finally got fed up with so many people leaving the state every year. “if we can’t ma… https://t.co/PLKQKslXVUHey there #edinburgh look who’s returning to @edfringe this year, and who’s also making their @gildedballoon debut.… https://t.co/WE7vltTJLIHail JKB! https://t.co/M1nXUvzLPM
5/16
2019
@sammorril @Yourgeaux @AriShaffir @marknorm Actually I’m a @WNBA fan. Who’s Zion?
5/15
2019
There it is #kalamazoo #lansing & #detroit all seven ticket purchasing hexes have been put on you by #harrypotter h… https://t.co/jmCKMCeQIkMy podcast has officially dropped today! Our first guest is ⁦@DanSoder⁩ and here it is on ⁦@allthingscomedy⁩! Could… https://t.co/qfsBslgkp4
5/14
2019
Proof that #america would survive in space. #usa #usa #usa #capitalism all day! @ Penn Station, Manhattan, New York https://t.co/SDPJp2rjh1Dear #michigan, This’s week I’m in #kalamazoo #lansing & #detroit grab tickets from the link on my profile and let… https://t.co/ebdxtqCELz
5/13
2019
Hey #providence I’m better onstage than I am on Instagram and I’ll prove that this Sunday 5/12 at @cmdyconnection!… https://t.co/81CCmBmB6H
5/9
2019
No block is sacred in #brooklyn https://t.co/9b8ARgMtKeThat’s right #providence I do care. Come see my open heart on display at @cmdyconnection this Mother’s Day 5/12. Ti… https://t.co/erfSOcqhWK
5/7
2019
This is the first time anyone has called me any of these things (without quotation marks) https://t.co/93Kdr56MsD
5/3
2019
Hey #boston see me at @laughboston this Saturday 5/4! Two shows go to the link on my profile and let’s legalize it! https://t.co/0SPBauHH5F
5/1
2019
“Vic Fangio & Joe Flacco are in Denver” sounds like the underboss of a crime family flipped and is telling the FBI… https://t.co/tf6RnriGjA
4/30
2019
I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier #purgatorysangels https://t.co/x67cOsGCXq
4/28
2019
@LeoHodson Thanks for coming by!
4/25
2019
This is a @withreservation original original. Tonight I’m live at northcarolinacomedyfestival! Some tickets left li… https://t.co/POdhBWWGxq
4/24
2019
Why isn’t baseball coed?
4/20
2019
heyNY @ComedyCellarUSA 7:30pm tonight @JudahWorldChamp @GaryGulman @1keithrobinson @michelleisawolf 9:30pm… https://t.co/2VBbQL9CUA
Retweeted by Sean Patton
4/18
2019
Hey #phoenix looks like Easter’s coming early this week! https://t.co/ZFXaqpGSFP
4/15
2019
Hey @Starbucks & @TheCoffeeBean & every other coffee shop on the planet: Have a separate line that only serves blac… https://t.co/ftmWpF0t5aAnt #coachella 2019! #lasvegas has something for every...thing! @ Paradise, Nevada https://t.co/IY9MoEn0pg
4/10
2019
Yes, @roryscovel is such a beast that he also murders on the street! Just ask @imandyhaynes marknormand… https://t.co/lDyfAR5clK
4/8
2019
Sometimes man & machine can bond over the beauty of #music @YYYs @ Brooklyn, New York https://t.co/DEe6BbFLq0
4/7
2019
Wanted Have you see this man? Italian-Irish thug posing as a Polish bouncer at a Russian bathhouse on Tattooine.… https://t.co/Eysqa0b5FLI’m either 2 minutes late or TOO early. @NYCComedyCellar #19,991not9,991forreallyreal https://t.co/ExOlS36Ihe
4/5
2019
This is the tale of #paulbunyan #mumblelore https://t.co/PgPaQJqd3x
4/4
2019
Here’s my personal #meditation video for y’all. Silencing your brain has never been easier! @ Brooklyn, New York https://t.co/NCwvD0NgJ2
4/3
2019
Thanks rowyco_kustoms_gtr_finishing! And shoutout to @kylekinane for thinking I’m cultured! @ Chapel Hill, North Ca… https://t.co/3DNbRLvmk9
3/25
2019
Just a standard correspondence with my boy @kylekinane People of #wilmingtonnc and #chapelhill be like his buddy S… https://t.co/Sb4nydl17iHey #wilmington I’m feeling honest and I love you so see you tomorrow & Saturday @deadcrowcomedy https://t.co/lRawURF72dOh my dear people of #Chapelhill 3/24 will be one to remember! https://t.co/pl3E0y6Bc6
3/21
2019
Citizens of #charleston south cackalacky! This is tonight! Tonight! TONIGHT!!! https://t.co/kpltkqrqO3This is gonna be the greatest show in the history of March 24th’s! https://t.co/RiaZWoEaMg
3/20
2019
People of #Charlestonsc! Tomorrow night (3/20) at @theatre_99 it all comes true! Let’s celebrate https://t.co/kpltkqrqO3
3/19
2019
I just wanna say this to the people of #ChapelHill I am excited about 3/24 at @PITchapelhill! Let’s make magic to… https://t.co/ElAC4Rgjc6Chad Daniels is to stand up what Steve Buscemi is to acting... only far better looking. So watch his special! https://t.co/OBLBjwVwslThis is me just trying to do my part. You can do yours by going to the link on my profile and coming out to a show… https://t.co/UJ8amWz5zk
3/18
2019
@kylekinane Quit being ridiculous you know their best song is “Ma’s been donkey punchin’ St Peter cause she was already a saint”.
3/17
2019
Stop telling people who are upset about something to “be positive”. Sometimes things just fucking suck. Acknowledge… https://t.co/bOnJCLIlpY
3/16
2019
It’s on. What an amazing weekend this will be, specifically Saturday and Sunday... clusterfest https://t.co/Bwm9f1N7Le
3/15
2019
Some uber drivers will do anything to get that five star rating. If you like what you see go to the link on my pro… https://t.co/K66s7Fqxc4
3/12
2019
Where are you at next week? #atlanta #athensga #charleston #wilmington #chapelhill ticket link on my profile! https://t.co/oYxmcLEavF
3/8
2019
This is the real thing! See you in June #sanfrancisco for some clusterfest https://t.co/OhUiTVljEJ
3/7
2019
These two appear side by side almost every day atop my feed. I’d love to watch them fight. Or fuck. Or BOTH. @ Broo… https://t.co/SG8zkoFn8C
2/28
2019
#nyc don’t fuck around when it’s time to get down @ Central Park https://t.co/OgfWSIuc0U
2/12
2019
Out online today! 1) Yes, my haircut sucks 2) Yep, I do look like a fatter Artie Lange/Belushi/Segura/Whoever. 3)… https://t.co/fgNfjtU9xQ
2/6
2019

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