Sign in with Twitter

Username:

This is stand-up comic Mike Joyce, not the drummer for the Smiths.

1,012 Following   2,359 Followers   6,671 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/29/10


Tonight @TheFancyShow is part of the @BrooklynComedy Festival with #free stand-up comedy by @SeatonSmithhttps://t.co/FpcQlIBFWW
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @krissimmons The secret ingredient in a Starbucks scone is rohypnolI often leave my coffee unattended in the morning but I figure it’s cool cause who’s carrying around their roofies at 9AM @derekbeacher If I described the toppings it’d come out like a Letter to Penthouse
9/19
2018
@TurboHater Those flowers really flared up your allergies @KSilly I’m not falling for that one againI can’t tell if this person is hot or if they just seem attractive because they’re holding a whole pizzaTOMORROW (9/19) we emerge from the bushes for the @BrooklynComedy Festival with hilarity by @SeatonSmithhttps://t.co/a6ECbbMY7c
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/18
2018
Worldstar but for eating your vegetablesIf I was a napkin I’d punch this kid right in his ice cream covered faceWEDNESDAY (9/19) join us for our @BrooklynComedy Festival adventures with @SeatonSmith @joyellenicole @ACLUofficialhttps://t.co/37w9Yqr6lZ
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @Hank_Thompson winners and losers back from its 3 year hiatus!Are we really witnessing a man under multiple criminal investigations, who has been named as a co-conspirator by hi… https://t.co/kdFyvQlo8H
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/17
2018
If you’re a musician, a good way to get me to listen to your music is die. @CJToledano Hell yeah
9/15
2018
I brake for taco trucksI’ve never had a threesome but one time at a Target I was holding a scented candle & two girls smelled it at the same timei am horny for change and justice
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/14
2018
I make friends with the barista by taking a sip of cold brew & exclaiming, Oh yas give me diarrhea daddy
9/13
2018
@JuliaLouisOlson 🤔 @MurphGuideBK @TheFancyShow @GlitterCheese @DivaDelux @joezimmerman @samlymatters @noredavis @TheDouglassBKhttps://t.co/b64kJQDQbaTonight @TheFancyShow features stand-up comedy w/@GlitterCheese @DivaDelux @JoeZimmerman @Samlymatters @NoreDavis.… https://t.co/Ato5IrG0Pn
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTONIGHT get comedic assistance from @GlitterCheese @DivaDelux @joezimmerman @samlymatters @noredavis + we count the… https://t.co/Qi3LFrRT4F
Retweeted by Michael JoyceNew York THURSDAY is voting day. @ZephyrTeachout is very impressive. @CynthiaNixon has all the right ideas. No comp… https://t.co/pZjgGhrrrS
9/12
2018
Made an appointment for the doctor & the psychiatrist cause I just had a craving for a Subway sandwichTOMORROW (9/12) get excited for @GlitterCheese @DivaDelux @joezimmerman @samlymatters @noredavis + we celebrate old… https://t.co/3aJodaVeoa
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/11
2018
8 senators remain undecided. Help them find their spines?#StopKanavaugh Jones👻AL☎️202-224-4124 Donnelly💩IN☎️202-2… https://t.co/k7s1wru3BL
Retweeted by Michael JoyceExcited for next week's special @BrooklynComedy Festival edition of The Fancy Show w/ Brooklyn's finest… https://t.co/EJZtXe7qUT
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/10
2018
The Browns tied the Steelers & I gotta say it feels okay kissing your cousinI’ve learned a lot about him over the years & we both just got the same haircut so I think it’s time I finally Tale… https://t.co/oVPThMbo5Z
9/9
2018
Kavanaugh must be removed from the Federal Judiciary. Please RT if you want a member of the House to file Article… https://t.co/7qHSHQE2Bu
Retweeted by Michael JoyceToday I showered during a conference call, unlocking my final work-from-home achievement
9/8
2018
What we learned from Kavanaugh hearings: Lied under oath 5x Only 4% of records made public "Proud" of upholding… https://t.co/ZtC9O95gz4
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/7
2018
@TomAThakkar @MurphGuideBK @klohwey @Brad_Austin_ @myqkaplan @jfishercomedy @CharlieSaturday @livinlavivalocahttps://t.co/Cp6AzR7mJ0If you ain’t spending $50/week on overpriced coffee wtf are you doingTONIGHT come watch these hilarious Lost Boys & Girls @klohwey @Brad_Austin_ @jfishercomedy @CharlieSaturdayhttps://t.co/FEH4DjNJms
Retweeted by Michael JoyceWe must make our outrage heard. Let your senators know you won’t accept Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court – and that y… https://t.co/SOLUSARitS
Retweeted by Michael JoyceThis was a very emotional episode of Hard Knocks which makes it the perfect time to make my annual prediction that… https://t.co/e5MX1ZjkLI
9/5
2018
@reppocs The hard work’s really paying off Corey!If I stare at this guy’s Instagram account long enough, I will form absI'm on the latest @pyhtshow pod, g'head & put me in your ears: https://t.co/RevTvZVokeThe President of the United States was implicated in open court of a federal crime by his longtime personal lawyer.… https://t.co/aQQUMvJdV1
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/4
2018
We’re witnessing a Friday night document massacre. President Trump’s decision to step in at the last moment and hid… https://t.co/IBP8qpmZKd
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
9/1
2018
Eminem said, ‘faggot’ just in time for my Netflix special! Enjoy! https://t.co/joATETqaY1
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTonight @westsidecomedy @ 8PM don’t miss @OwenSmith4Real @funnyhelenhong @neelnanda @NotMikeJoyce @KFreehamshttps://t.co/XUAoG6INo0
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/31
2018
Walking up & down Sunset Boulevard, looking for the place across the street from a car wash that Sheryl Crow sings… https://t.co/ufRKwXXAzTCalifornia: where people from all over the world come to take their shirt off.This is tonight come be my Maggie May https://t.co/9yCBMBPG1D
8/30
2018
@megangailey @CJToledano Yes, I needed his emotional support @CJToledano I’d watch an hour of Myles Garrett’s abs
8/29
2018
heyLA @ucbtla 8pm tonight @pyhtshow @cameronesposito @NotMikeJoyce @GiuliaRozzi @davestonecomedy @NickKocher @mrbrentsullivan
Retweeted by Michael Joyce80% of my vacation budget is allocated for use at the airport barNothing like some television to make a child forget about your existence @AdorableColin99 @pyhtshow @RodStewartLive @UEComedy Not sure Colin, @SparksRadio we need to set something up!
8/28
2018
@GlitterCheese @LangstonKerman Let the courtship begin!This week with @CalebSynan @SeanHyatt_sucks @baileyenorton @NotMikeJoyce @kylekinane at @LaCuevitaBar! https://t.co/pNrOr0Ve3j
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @LangstonKerman I feel bad I did nothing to free you from the rye chip boy band curse @silkyjumbo Don’t look away Shalewa, this is who I amHeaded out to L.A. this week let me know if you want to hang, teach me the ways of legal cannabis consumption, and/… https://t.co/Qe0fGbDeY6We need everyone to put 100% of their energy into -volunteering on congressional campaigns -registering new vot… https://t.co/8GDv4m5WZe
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/27
2018
68 degrees is the official AC temp of someone who’s not paying for utilities
8/26
2018
I’m that Mike tonight at Bluebird 504 Flatbush ave. Pull up 8pm (my use of the phrase “pull up” does not insinuate… https://t.co/3XIULE7Oci @NotMikeJoyce We know we need this.
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/25
2018
TUES @ucbtla Michael Joyce, Dave Stone, Giulia Rozzi, Brent Sullivan & Nick Kocher + your host @cameronesposito! Ti… https://t.co/CzoKd4fB18
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/23
2018
You will never crush my dream of being the 1st Big Buck Hunter bikini boyMy comedy weight class is James Corden.Beto’s got the right stuff https://t.co/tfIqfxL73GTONIGHT the Elvises @katewillett @iamryanbeck @hansdickie @theeclarkjones @mrgrahamkay are in the building. Uh-huh-… https://t.co/refzHz7niZ
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/22
2018
On the bright side Paul Manafort & Michael Cohen can advocate for reform by participating in the next #PrisonStrikeNEWS: Cohen just described, in court, how he violated campaign finance laws by arranging payment for Stormy Daniels… https://t.co/QtrDTAaOmg
Retweeted by Michael JoycePled guilty: 1. Trump's National Security Adviser 2. Trump's longtime attorney and fixer 3. Trump's deputy campa… https://t.co/7SZ0loSoAR
Retweeted by Michael JoyceThe EPA says that Trump's rollback of coal regulations will result in "between 470 and 1,400 premature deaths annua… https://t.co/STgzABggvO
Retweeted by Michael JoyceThis Indians-Red Sox game has my heart pumping like it's the postseason. #RallyTogether
8/21
2018
HEY NEW YORK TODAY IS THE DEADLINE TO REGISTER TO VOTE REMEMBER ON NOV 9 2016 WHEN EVERYONE WAS POSTING ANGRY FACE… https://t.co/KX6M5CjuYL
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/20
2018
@shempzilla @Odbasta Would i lie to you James? @Odbasta I refused & then chugged it in front of the bartender. I am sweaty but well respectedThe bar will only let me return this super spicy margarita if I admit that I’m a lil bitch
8/19
2018
If Trump wants a big parade in his honor all he has to do is resign
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/17
2018
When I’m feeling sexy I like to put on a little playlist I call Missionary MusicThere are 2 unwritten rules to life: Never turn down hard candy from your Grandma & never miss a Butterscotch Comed… https://t.co/SBlL5oN2qpI’m celebrating Aretha’s life today, but I’m incredibly sad. Even though many of us were mentally and emotionally p… https://t.co/vBAktMXp26
Retweeted by Michael JoyceRest well Aretha, we'll be daydreaming thinking of you https://t.co/2J7M3pq3q0
8/16
2018
tonight @TheFancyShow features stand-up comedy by @RobertistheMan @LukeMones @JuliaShiplett @KennyDeForesthttps://t.co/WwLrG7ERnF
Retweeted by Michael Joycetaste the happy Michael https://t.co/jYmkCtR09Y
8/15
2018
Every time it’s raining while the sun is out I look around & angrily mutter to myself where the fuck is that rainbowI used to think wearing this hat was cool but now everyone just thinks I drive a truck for Miller Lite
8/14
2018
I don’t need to ride roller coasters, I get my thrills in everyday life like just now I ate 3 day old sushiInternet trolling is for people who don’t have enough friends to be in a group chat
8/13
2018
You voting in November? It’d be a lot cooler if you did https://t.co/oAP1tGBEFAGood morning! To encourage Twitter to drop Alex Jones, I just blocked the Twitter accounts of every Fortune 500 com… https://t.co/BDhzu6Dwnn
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/12
2018
This is stunning. New data out today: real wages are in decline, while corporate profits soar, after the GOP tax cu… https://t.co/XJvhiUyd3t
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @JuliaLouisOlson 🤷‍♂️ @TommyEpps I’m not familiar with his workFor a second there I thought I had life all figured out when I started substituting Greek yogurt for sour cream
8/11
2018
@MrChrisDonahue This Kermit the Frog album listening party is lit https://t.co/HQvBP6uoTbThe great thing about having a kid is I can finally bump all the jams sung by Kermit the Frog without judgment
8/10
2018
The Fancy Show: “The fanciest show Brooklyn’s ever seen.” Tonight with @AlisonLeiby @CaseywLey @JakeHead_https://t.co/4By790fTUq
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTONIGHT surprise witnesses reveal @AlisonLeiby @caseywley @JakeHead_ @misstoiletslave @JoeFernandez84 are smuggling… https://t.co/vYpFpSJNYE
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/8
2018
Let’s start a GoFundMe to buy the companies then alter the blueprints so when people go to print their 3D gun out comes a dildo“It may be very difficult or impossible to stop the whole row of dominoes from tumbling over. Places on Earth will… https://t.co/ciNdjL2kHw
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
8/7
2018

0