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Michael Joyce @NotMikeJoyce LA - NYC - CHI - CLE ... can you put sunscreen on my back?

This is stand-up comic Mike Joyce, not the drummer for the Smiths.

1,048 Following   2,347 Followers   6,918 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/29/10


Finally a @LeBatardShow hot take I wholeheartedly agree with https://t.co/MMn6EieXDV
7/19
2019
@JohnJohnPhenom @RandPaul Johnny we need to keep applying ass whuppings until one of these takeI will chip in $100 for legal fees so @RandPaul’s neighbor can beat his ass again https://t.co/3m9rEOmp9VI like when ants follow a pheromone trail to food but the food‘s gone so they just hang out like they’re there for the memories
7/17
2019
Kids are so precious my 3 year old daughter saw Toy Story 4 & was so excited “I saw Buzz & Jessie & Forky” & I was… https://t.co/XouXHKLJZ7
7/16
2019
It’s only awkward having a female doctor at the end of my checkup when I inevitably ask, so you wanna put your fingers in my asshole?
7/15
2019
@AnthonyOComedy You’re free from the guilt & shame AnthonyOf course I don’t post my dinner on Instagram, I eat in secret bitch
7/14
2019
A New Yorker in a walking boot still moves 5 times faster than a tourist
7/11
2019
Tonight! Drop the mic and grab a beer at @TheDouglassBK for The Fancy Show 8:30p featuring funny freaks:… https://t.co/qHXP3sbYf4
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @xonoxue @TheFancyShow @TheDouglassBK @katiehannigan @danlicatasucks @whodougsmith @Spericaa @erikmonical I’m back… https://t.co/4CqjrZgqTv
7/10
2019
I am so handsome in Ohio
7/9
2019
My dad can’t wait for my mom’s horse to die
7/8
2019
It’s my day off, don’t @ me
6/30
2019
My wife would take a bullet for me & yet there are no circumstances under which I am ever to use her skincare products
6/29
2019
My daughter told me her imaginary friend got injured because I wasn’t running fast enough & that’s a heavy burden to carry through life
6/28
2019
This ant infestation is so bad you’d think they’d have the whole place clean by now
6/27
2019
Stop what you're doing, and #VoteLos! 🖐 Your old screen name email, sk8er4ever@aim.com? Yeah, that works too. ⭐️:… https://t.co/AdkrGQEa9G
Retweeted by Michael JoyceWhen a bartender catches me taking a matchbook out of the bowl I always panic & say “oh I’m not gonna use these to… https://t.co/eJr04X85DE
6/26
2019
I’m gonna take a break from social media for a while . . . . . . Ok I’m back
6/24
2019
Don’t fuck with me, I will call you on the phone
6/22
2019
@thexdoctorx @Lindor12BC @Indians and that smile!I hate to get political but @Lindor12BC is a short stop you can believe in & should be in the all star game go vote… https://t.co/2ysKdUdQNlIf you need to improve your writing don’t get a grammar app, get a partner who’s smarter than you
6/21
2019
Remind me to text my hairdresser & ask how much CBD to give my dogNew pod today! Clark Jones (@theeclarkjones) has never seen Stranger Things! He rewrote it, and we read his script.… https://t.co/6v7zGIUgmn
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
6/20
2019
Limited refrigerator surface area can be brutal on kids like “daddy can we put this drawing on the fridge?” & I hav… https://t.co/j1SJc4jbGuI have a t-shirt of Chicago’s transit map & when I get a stain on it I stand up & shout, looks like the CTA added a bus stop!
6/15
2019
This is a win for Norfs everywhere.
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
6/14
2019
The #MuellerReport made it clear: A foreign government attacked our 2016 elections to support Trump, Trump welcomed… https://t.co/4ek76cLtBd
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
6/13
2019
Your neurosis made you use hand sanitizer after shaking my hand & my neurosis made me think you applied it because… https://t.co/SFeps5s5aQ
6/12
2019
@davidberezin Hahaha, all my music jokes are veiled references of Blink 182I like a song that has a good apology
6/8
2019
I’m tan for the first time in my life & it’s uncomfortable for everyone
6/7
2019
Walking from my car eating a McChicken entering a Target i should be the new Captain America
6/6
2019
@BrooklynRon there's gotta be something wrong with her, right?Looking for a new babysitter cause I found out the one I currently use wants to try stand-up comedy
6/5
2019
The big banks really are scared of @ewarren, I donated $25 to her campaign & got charged a $35 overdraft fee
5/31
2019
Obviously climate change is real but scientists do make mistakes like my high school physics teacher who styled her hair into a rattailme watching the guy at subway make the subs https://t.co/ptkQDuAT3U
Retweeted by Michael JoyceMy daughter keeps repeating “eat a booty butt” & I think she just inadvertently wrote the song of the summer
5/30
2019
@GoingTharn it’s the only opinion that matters
5/29
2019
We did it you guys! We posted so much on here, we’re all out of opinions
5/28
2019
Douchebag podcasts really are a gateway to white supremacyEvery morning DJ Khaled opens his eyes, sighs, and whispers “another one.”
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
5/25
2019
@reppocs I was a chubby kid Corey, I snarled if you tried to go for my plateI need to apologize to my dad for all the times I was under 10 years old at a nice restaurant & I ordered steak
5/24
2019
@Yourgeaux Yeah we can work something out drop into the DMs
5/19
2019
Doing a pop-up & it’ll end when I can no longer hold in my pee https://t.co/akt1sXp5AETonight 930pm! COMEDIANS YOU SHOULD KNOW LA returns to @SouthBayCustoms for the EL SEGUNDO COMEDY FESTIVAL! MADDIE… https://t.co/QjEhKSWsBK
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
5/18
2019
I love hiking for the bird watching, why last time I went I saw these majestic buzzards circling me the whole timeI just donated to @YellowFund to help the women of Alabama with travel & lodging to get an abortion if they need an… https://t.co/gnIKTgeUAj
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
5/17
2019
If I owned a vintage store I’d have a “clothes for cool guys” sectionIf they were being honest they’d say, “As mayor my first order of business will be to put my name on all this shit”
5/11
2019
It's fascinating to see people argue that women won't really be punished if abortion is illegal. Here are some thin… https://t.co/2GKAB6GqJV
Retweeted by Michael JoyceRodney Hood is exorcising the demons
5/10
2019
In 1995 I was 11 years old & made $915 million more dollars than Donald TrumpRead this until it sinks in: “I heard a gunshot,” said Makai Dixon, 8, a second grader who had been training for th… https://t.co/3kEPl2LIRC
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
5/8
2019
Haven't mentioned it in a little while so thought I'd reiterate: worst president in history should be in jail https://t.co/k2GUxs5cAB
5/6
2019
Rodney Hood has never been cooler
5/4
2019
People out here clutching their Juul like a Bob Dole pen
5/2
2019
So glad I downloaded the House Judiciary Committee App @JohnBilancini Well done, I raise my glass to you sir https://t.co/M8Wtmc19XaA lot of my friends are doing their yearly 30 days sober cleanse so, it's the perfect time for me to do my annual Drinking Alone Month
5/1
2019
The parrots in my neighborhood are mating so every morning when they wake me I open up the window & scream YEAH GO GET IT PLAYA
4/27
2019
Nah. They should call themselves Warren G’s https://t.co/N78aAMuUOB
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
4/26
2019
@DanWilbur Dan the 4th pillar of any kind of dosing is discretion 🤫 🍪I feel spiritually awakened ever since I started microdosing Girl Scout cookies
4/25
2019
Dame Lillard is out his got damn mindFor my awards ceremony acceptance speech I’m going to thank my parents, God & everyone who’s given me their streaming service password
4/24
2019
Forget wearing a Rolex, if you really want to impress me with your wealth fill up your gas tank all the way every timeIf the Easter Bunny's not real then who the hell just kicked my ass? https://t.co/u8DIt5NRwt
4/23
2019
There are some things that’ll forever change you like killing a man or having Taco Bell delivered
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @AnthonyOComedy You speak the truth UpperfeastsideThere are some things that’ll forever change you like killing a man or having Taco Bell delivered
4/22
2019
Here is Elizabeth Warren's case for impeachment, and as you'd expect from her, it's solid. https://t.co/DU5NlmZYn9
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
4/20
2019
I try to get my landlord to pay for everything like, I thought light bulbs & toilet paper were included with rent
4/19
2019
You can gauge someone’s work ethic by whether or not they rearrange things to fit the beer in the fridge
4/17
2019
@CJToledano should make 3rd team all NBA for this one https://t.co/rrzriD0mWz
4/16
2019
Ya gotta watch @KennyDeForest on @latelateshow he’s hilarious & burned that place to the ground https://t.co/eVNwfC2Vi9
4/11
2019
I still haven’t been to therapy but I have decided to get more haircuts
4/10
2019
Never thought a Budweiser commercial would make me weep uncontrollably but here we are https://t.co/iuhs87KWJs
4/9
2019
Over the last few days I’ve spent 8+ hours on the phone with the bank & the rep asked how I’ve stayed so calm & I t… https://t.co/yh7Pyb7FLe
4/8
2019
My daughter can burp on command so yeah, she’s gonna be very popular in schoolLet’s hope the Olney curse has been lifted https://t.co/YjkzT1Ndyj @Buster_ESPN Hoping that since you didn’t pick the Indians to win it all this year we win it all this yearWALK US OFF, 'LOS! BALLGAME! #RallyTogether https://t.co/qeiw9cRbsL
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
4/6
2019
@SimmonsMcDavid You’re violating the terms of the restraining ordermy biggest fear is being like the townspeople in a Bruce Springsteen song
4/4
2019
Elizabeth Warren is a menace to the establishment & I love it. Just donated to her campaign & I think democracy wil… https://t.co/PiTNaM9zLb
4/1
2019
@GoingTharn We’re only 95 RTs away (i hope CPS counts quote retweets)I know my soul is redeemable cause last week my plane was about to crash land so I quickly signed on to the WiFi to… https://t.co/El2xRlDxcc @SimmonsMcDavid This is libel @SimmonsMcDavid Wtf @AdorableColin99 I hear they upped it to $2000 this year
3/31
2019
@JohnBilancini Only 99 to go!If I get 100 RTs child protective services said they won’t take my kid away
3/30
2019
Went to the pool & a swim coach was in the lane next to me & answered the question can I bullied by a gym teacher in my 30sEveryday lunchtime crept up earlier & earlier & now I can't go to bed before eating my lunchThis is good content https://t.co/nx603GcdcA
3/29
2019

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