Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Michael Joyce @NotMikeJoyce LA - NYC - CHI - CLE - I need to sit down

This is stand-up comic Mike Joyce, not the drummer for the Smiths.

1,035 Following   2,344 Followers   6,805 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/29/10


I'll buy Malia Obama a 12 pack while she waits outside the 7-Eleven
2/19
2019
Rudy Giuliani being a piece of shit really ruins the end of the movie Anger Management
2/17
2019
@CJToledano @blakegriffin23 This is the hard hitting journalism our country needs right now
2/16
2019
The only reason I buy bell peppers is to color coordinate my vegetables
2/15
2019
Why travel the world when you can take that money & spend it on 1 woman’s haircut.
2/13
2019
SoCal girl scout came to my door selling cookies & not calling her the devil but I'm out here in the desert getting tempted like Jesus
2/11
2019
‘We have a system that is fundamentally broken.’ — Rep. @AOC is explaining just how f*cked campaign finance laws re… https://t.co/yPW7X41NmH
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
2/10
2019
Time has no meaning when you work from home
2/7
2019
At an LA open mic and... I should’ve worn a cooler jacket
2/6
2019
I’m getting Botox, people keep checking my ID
2/3
2019
When people ask me how LA is I just reply with Sublime lyricsblack...face...shark, do-do do do da-do, blackface shark, do-do do do da- *giant cane appears, yanks me off stage*
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
2/2
2019
The most awkward part of frigid weather is explaining to the guy at the urinal next to me that my long johns are th… https://t.co/34sQztTbAxI got the black lung from years of inhaling powdered donut dust
2/1
2019
TONIGHT! It’s the return of @NotMikeJoyce and more! Comedy from @chanel__ali @CaseyBalsham @saurinchoksihttps://t.co/f05Zgv6LGz
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/30
2019
It’s crazy to think my daughter only knows the voice of Chevy trucks as Dennis Miller
1/27
2019
Roy Wood Jr. is one of the best comics alive & once he got brought up to Master P’s “Burbons And Lacs” & he riffed… https://t.co/q18swCtlYh
1/26
2019
Put on your long Johns & meet me here Chicago https://t.co/tWzHYWyuxoAm in the Resistance? Well, let’s just say since Trump took office I’ve signed up for over 150 email newslettersLost my vape pen last night so if you’re in Chicago & find one, uh, that’s mine. CC: @CYSK @lyft
1/25
2019
Tonight at High Dive!! @chelseahood hosts @caseywley, @NotMikeJoyce, Elise Fernandez, and @joekilgallon! 8:30, Chic… https://t.co/zOydkW1A2b
Retweeted by Michael JoyceFor too long, we’ve been told “no” to a substantially better future - that the America that went to the moon, pursu… https://t.co/dzgEPxUqYQ
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/24
2019
All I have to do is win the Kentucky Derby & my sperm will be worth $15-$20 million a yearHey Chicago, I'm soaking in hot dog water for warmth then it's off to @thepapermachete at 6:30pm followed by @CYSKhttps://t.co/Xyhcly188QToday #ChicagoComedyGuide recommends @CYSK at @TimmyOTooles! Crazy good line-up includes @andyandyfleming,… https://t.co/VwYUs3SvAb
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/23
2019
LOOK AT THIS LINEUP FOR TOMORROW!: @andyandyfleming @KristenToomey @IAmJustNesh @BlakeBurkhart @NotMikeJoyce , the… https://t.co/0eh8QlTRTm
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/22
2019
She liked the helicopter on the book cover so tonight I’m putting my daughter to bed by reading some soothing passa… https://t.co/2Byh9wxUSJ
1/19
2019
The rodents in my house have refused to parlay & so, they must die
1/17
2019
I love watching @AOC dunk on these fools https://t.co/Z9sUUVzSkb
1/16
2019
I will buy your product if your commercial can make me weep uncontrollablyOmg my chest 😭 hoooomahgawd 🤣😭 https://t.co/TIc6adsWJH
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/15
2019
I’ve lived in L.A. for 1 month & have already stolen felony-level amounts of lemons from my neighbors’ treesJust had my It's a Wonderful Life moment but instead of an angel convincing me that life's worth living it was a shower beer
1/13
2019
F.B.I. Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Was Secretly Working on Behalf of Russia https://t.co/vvLgzDnzgN
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/12
2019
I'm a human version of the potato powered clockIt’s a good thing my wife locked me down cause no one can resist a man with this large a pile of debt consolidation offers
1/10
2019
My friend & auteur @SimmonsMcDavid spent his life savings on making his own movie. Turns out he needed 2 lifetimes… https://t.co/EnQhkGYBfDThis remains today’s big story: https://t.co/rPp3sCpg8W
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
1/9
2019
I mostly just pass the time by peering out the window, squinting at approaching headlights muttering, “now who’s this motherfucker”
1/6
2019
My daughter pooped in the bathtub which can only mean one thing. She’s gunning for my record
1/4
2019
IKEA is a place where you can see both children & adults throw meatball-fueled tantrums
1/3
2018
We don't have to keep revisiting things that bring us no joy. We can decide to hang with bright lights and good peo… https://t.co/3DE3E838QO
Retweeted by Michael JoyceI’ve got arthritis in my cereal spooning hand
12/31
2018
People in L.A. are wearing winter jackets but I’m from Northeast Ohio, it’s all outdoor grilling weather baby
12/29
2018
I’ve become a true monster & need an angry mob with torches & pitchforks to come & stop me from eating holiday sweets
12/26
2018
My daughter is very upset & wants her boogers back
12/23
2018
I should’ve tied myself to the mast because the Sirens’ song of Top Chef has lured me into the rocks once again
12/19
2018
Bringing this holiday classic back to your timeline in honor of DMX’s birthday today 🎈🎄 https://t.co/ieZzc8nP8h
Retweeted by Michael JoyceIf I owned at bar you’d know it’s closing time when I start projecting pictures of my daughter on the wall
12/18
2018
I’m 3 hours behind on the West coast so when I’m texting I just assume the person on Eastern standard time is already drunk
12/17
2018
BROWNS WIN!!! (My heart just exploded)
12/16
2018
I can’t believe people don’t move to the side of the road when they see it coming up in the review mirror, it’s lik… https://t.co/d4MlnZdZSeIf you’re stuck in traffic a fun game is to pick out a mortal enemyThis should be worth 2 assists https://t.co/XBrlW9qwSeGet the debut album from the gawd @AaaaronWeaver https://t.co/agP1agUobA
12/15
2018
BREAKING- Good news for anyone who wants to enroll in ACA coverage but hasn’t yet. You can call 1-800-318-2596 any… https://t.co/nREH8ZSeIw
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
12/14
2018
I wrote about my trip to the City Clerk's Office & registering as a conduit of the love gods with the city of New Y… https://t.co/VNL4neJcU6
12/13
2018
Emailed the landlord a picture of my toilet & didn't clean off the blood on the seat first because I want her to know I mean business.what scares me is the only way Trump will avoid jail is to never relinquish power
12/12
2018
No jump shots. No ferns. No memes. Not this time. I’m going to give it to you straight: If you need health insuranc… https://t.co/rThqk0VTXA
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
12/11
2018
Every pickup basketball game I try to play good defense, get some points & rebounds & hope that I don’t get pantsedCoolio’s doing the Cleveland Cavs halftime show & I thought it was gonna be sad but he’s got a guy singing the chor… https://t.co/ekQYKFaWce
12/8
2018
@evermainard @CJToledano In a 2 years this tweet will be a sitcom on ABCStill adjusting to this warm climate like, I didn’t know if your bathroom has a window you can get a toilet sun burnto repeat: US Justice Department prosecutors say President Trump committed a felony https://t.co/CKprCg3ldt
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTo know @jasonsaenz is to love Jason Saenz give what you can https://t.co/xzpsgHXJbz
12/7
2018
*reads news* 1.) Democracy's collapsing 2.) Democracy's collapsing 3.) Democracy's collapsing 4.) Kevin Hart to hos… https://t.co/9ZZBazoI0n
12/5
2018
Strapped my wife’s purse across my chest & you ladies didn’t tell me that this whole time you’ve been walking aroun… https://t.co/Bc8llf8WkiBREAKING—as in breaking democracy: a truly shocking & naked power grab underway in Wisconsin. Dems won every statew… https://t.co/gQti3hDLHc
Retweeted by Michael Joyce @AnthonyOComedy Thanks Anthony! Glad I met you too bud upper feast side 4ever @AnthonyOComedy I’m about to use this button down as toilet paperI am not a man, I am but a napkin for children
12/1
2018
I never attend a concert that has less than 3 “Lil”s performing
11/28
2018
@DaiAndOh1 It was a fond farewellI was walking around Brooklyn soaking it all up before the move when I stepped in dead pigeon & with that, I was ready to move.
11/26
2018
If I see a strange couple making out on the sidewalk I politely stand there & wait until they finish
11/20
2018
Hey US media folks, here, I would argue immodestly, is how you interview a Trump supporter on Trump's lies: https://t.co/D8qElaic7o
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTONIGHT! @NotMikeJoyce is headed out west next week. Come say ‘bye bitch’ and see to a great show featuring:… https://t.co/6puM4wgzOk
Retweeted by Michael JoyceI can’t ship it with the movers so I’m doing a cross country road trip with this half jar of mayonnaise
11/14
2018
@DanWilbur @TheFancyShow @joezimmerman @silkyjumbo @seanytime @mikelebovitz @LilFrexxx @TheDouglassBK @TurboHaterhttps://t.co/WeuhgO1d5Z @DanWilbur @TheFancyShow @joezimmerman @silkyjumbo @seanytime @mikelebovitz @LilFrexxx @TheDouglassBK @TurboHaterhttps://t.co/9aPcZhEz4Atomorrow night come to the fancy thing dress code: addidas tracksuit or better https://t.co/BF0P927Ofj
Retweeted by Michael JoyceTomorrows my last @TheFancyShow before my NYC exile. I've been doing this every week for 5 years so come hang & wat… https://t.co/dy8gBmGvs1
11/13
2018
@Odbasta Hahaha @Peterquoi Oh yeah Tony the Tiger has me adding the’s to all the tiger namesI need a Daniel the Tiger episode that teaches kids to sleep in when their parents are hungoverThe chief law enforcement officer of the US was a paid advisor of a company that scammed people out of tens of mill… https://t.co/DeV2mTjhaa
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
11/10
2018
Saying goodbye to Brooklyn and moving West. I have a special last @TheFancyShow planned for next Wednesday (11/14)… https://t.co/sb4cvVGh27
11/7
2018
A few people posted about not voting so I unfollowed them because clearly they don’t want their voices to be heard. #electiondayMy 2 year old just said “Vote? I love to vote” so yeah, the youth vote is turning out today #ElectionDay2018
11/6
2018
@DantePowell @davelosso @DanUmthun Cool, appreciate it Dante (and Dave) @davelosso @DantePowell @DanUmthun Thank you David @SamGoneWiles You're an angel Sam! @CJToledano @SamGoneWiles @ablopezisatweet Thank you!Hey I'm gonna be in Des Moines Iowa on Thursday (11/8), anyone know where I can get up?Vote like a bunch of school children were shot and a bunch of other children were put into camps indefinitely bc th… https://t.co/S1KLgEMmc8
Retweeted by Michael JoyceIgnore the polls. Vote.
Retweeted by Michael Joyce
11/5
2018
SOMEONE PLEASE COME OVER & REMOVE THIS HALLOWEEN CANDY FROM MY APARTMENT (It's hidden all over & torture me all you… https://t.co/v0LDV8XnI4fuck fuck fuck fuck vote vote vote vote shit shit shit shit we gotta do something https://t.co/qVoppiJZID
11/2
2018
@CJToledano You’re too good at this CJ
11/1
2018

0