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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,017 Following   410,802 Followers   6,262 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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iPhone just autocorrected "Khalifa" to "Karloff," because my texts about Frankenstein clearly outnumber my texts about hip-hop.
8/27
2014
If you've ever dreamed of seeing me, @Alanis, and Buzz Aldrin on the same stage, you may want to tune into E! at 11 tonight. #ChelseaFinaleI bet the person who came up with the term "blow job" did it just to confuse generations of fourth-graders."NEVER apologize for being too drunk. We don't do that in this family!" - Inspirational speech from my husband this morning.
8/26
2014
This is badass. She's 81. Don't give up. http://t.co/oXBfTjtyQS@julieklausner @LucindaLunacy HUMAN-FACED JESTER OF LOVE!The character I play when I'm parenting in front of other people is such a great mom.
8/25
2014
@BigAlPeoplesPal Hi!!!@DJAngieC <3 :)@JenKirkman Oh, it's real and Pat's talkin'.Take my money, Pat O'Brien's memoir.
8/22
2014
@fuggirls I miss Saloon Wench Christina.
8/19
2014
@JenKirkman ILY!
8/16
2014
@staceyoristano The Proclaimers wrote the lyrics MY GOD I'M SO OLD...@louisvirtel I'm sure I've told you this, but I used to legit bawl to that song in my guilty St. Cyril's days.
8/14
2014
@sepinwall Larry always caught on quickly; see the "Bibbi Babka" episode.@kellyoxford Unfortunately, my whole life is vodka.@tobyherman27 I will always associate those two movies with each other. It was the golden age of Portman.@tobyherman27 I love your "casual" knowledge of this film.@tobyherman27 I swear she named the baby Comerica?Wasn't this a Natalie Portman movie where she had a toilet baby or something? @ap 14-year-old boy lives at a WalMart: http://t.co/NKByq7ilhl"If you can't handle me at my blurst, then you don't deserve to see my vest." -- Mr. Burns on Facebook@TaliaG28 that is super nice, thank you!@DrGMLaTulippe Aww, thanks!"It's Charging: Helping Children Cope With Separation From the iPad."
8/13
2014
@MarissaARoss This is my 24/7/365 look!
8/12
2014
@ChrisSerico http://t.co/tCPEuxs20OThis is exceptionally powerful. Spend some of your day reading through these. http://t.co/aHDxEhvvol
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
8/11
2014
I'm not here to start no trouble, I'm just here to do the #Supermoon Shuffle.@MysteryDirectrx @TheBlackBoard LOVE. Did a post in this vein a couple of years ago; the swap idea fascinates me. http://t.co/LVs45W1ByL
8/10
2014
@BrianLynch @sesamestreet Trying so hard to come up with a "two-hander"/puppeteering joke; failing.IS it possible for someone to invent a cord from the handset to the Telephone that does NOT tangle itself to death ??
Retweeted by Diablo Cody90s KIDS: Remember how Flintstone's Push-Ups came with their own applicator so you didn't have to touch your pussy?@jill7298 I agree. It's so good, it's distracting.Guys, two of the Duggars just went gluten-free.@EricIGN I'm giving it a chance! I'm still excited. Also, maybe I'll get offered the "California Dreams" movie.Screech: "You're such a prick." Slater: "Why don't you say that to my face?" BUT HE JUST DID. http://t.co/nYvccTqbW5
8/8
2014
@hipstermermaid I haven't thought about them in a long time. Would love one of those tiny bananas...I could really go for some Runts right now.Lucky me, had lunch w& spilled the tea with @jeffytee! http://t.co/K6QypAwlPsYESSS "@THR: Rick Springfield to Rock Out With Meryl Streep in 'Ricki and the Flash' http://t.co/6RJ6wxMpaY@EricIGN That is my least-favorite thing. Talk all the shit you want, but don't @-me!
8/7
2014
@shannonwoodward Not sure, but I'm not letting him sleep until he eats this Beefy Nacho Griller."Taco Bell is the worst food in the world!"-- my wrongheaded, misguided son who knows nothing.
8/6
2014
They edited out the word "Koons" in the Kidz Bop version of "Applause."This movie is really good. RT @LoreneScafaria If you missed COHERENCE in theaters it's now on VOD and an Editors' Choice on iTunes! SEE IT!
8/5
2014
@lianamaeby @SarahThyre @molls A PLAGUE ON BOTH OF THEIR HOUSES, THE ONE IN MALIBU TOO@BradWollack "Do you think you could get my friend's step-niece a job on 'Girls'?" -- my mom@EmilyGould I'm like the wandering pro-bono attorney for disliked & misunderstood women in pop culture.@EmilyGould ME TOO
8/4
2014
Paul Feig is walking the walk, people!
8/2
2014
@jakefogelnest Once in L.A., I was walking and a guy pulled over and yelled "WHERE IS MARIAH CAREY?" like she was a local landmark.
8/1
2014
@zachforzombies AGREE FOREVER
7/31
2014
@DrGMLaTulippe I just watched it and it really does hold up.The movie "Big" would never work now because every 30 year-old acts like that.
7/30
2014
I'm going to start a place at the airport called "COFFEE" that's just a quick-service line for plain coffee from a pot.
7/28
2014
Did you guys see the "Sam and Cat" finale? Crazy that the whole thing was just a dream iCarly had.@BigAlPeoplesPal Wardrobe, wish it was mine! It is SOOOO freaking hot.🌋@BigAlPeoplesPal OMG, you guys are amazing! Love this.@BigAlPeoplesPal You are the sweetest! Just trying to look half as good as you!
7/24
2014
@sofifii Thanks bae!@sofifii kk@MysteryBritExec Likewise. <3@cinebo2 Thank you! I really appreciate that.I'm glad Britney has a lingerie line, but I won't be satisfied until there's an officially licensed skin-suit.
7/23
2014
http://t.co/ic1aeDaKFu
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
7/22
2014
@EveryTweet_Ever Even wasted, you're faithful to L.A. Deli! <3#FF @katherinefugate and @NiaVardalos because they're pretty and they just #FF'd each other and I'm creating an #FF-hole. #FF #Hole@katherinefugate Thank you so much!I love .@louisvirtel. #LouisAppreciationDay #mpregBruno Mars sighed as Kiefer bit his shoulder. Who could have known that Santa Carla was full of vampires? Or that he could feel this way?I did a fun interview with @cindi_leive ... thanks @glamourmag! : http://t.co/dhnIIRZWS9
7/18
2014
Please enjoy my episode of "Professor Blastoff" starring Tig Notaro, @kyledunnigan & @huntsbergerjunk ! http://t.co/I6H9b15zFe
7/17
2014
@Erik_Haltson From your lips to God's ears!@billyeichner where can I pre-orderWeird Al's long game is inspiring.
7/16
2014
I want my own Hollywood game like Kim Kardashian, except you'd just go to Taco Bell and get phone calls saying the network passed.
7/15
2014
If you live in a very bad part of town, don't make things worse for your kid by naming her Sloopy.I just watched 'Life Itself', an absolutely beautiful, honest, touching and extraordinary celebration of life. http://t.co/wKFk5wr1J3
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@ChelseaVPeretti We still notz.@tobyherman27 Hey, thanks!Ugh, why is Bruno Mars always out of town when I'm ovulating?@JennyJohnsonHi5 I call every drug store Osco because I can't accept that I'm not 9 and this isn't Chicago.@DaveHolmes 1.) I just remembered that Linear existed. 2.) Jeff Stinco and Joey Fatone should start a burger joint called "FatStinc."@DaveHolmes Oh fuck yes, I've been thirsty for this.@SarahSoWitty @KiwiLovesYou I'm basically Bruce Hornsby.I think I'm going to start wearing White Diamonds.
7/14
2014
My heart goes out to all the young girls in high-waisted shorts, and I hope their labia will be safely reunited soon.
7/11
2014
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I hope you guys will continue to love and respect each other as you endeavor to co-parent as friends.@taradublinrocks YES. I mean, WTF is this woman on?!Oh hey guys, here's what a mom of 6 who's also a U.N. ambassador does in her spare time! NBD! http://t.co/e00sM7g9Ym #ihatemyself #FUCKEverything Britney Spears does is perfect, and she's still basically a virgin because she had c-sections, and she's perfect SHE'S PERFECT
7/10
2014
@scottEweinberg @MysteryExec all of them.I'm hosting an @hellogiggles @ucbtla Show Saturday @10pm. Stories by @ryanoconn @MarissaARoss @diablocody + more ❤️ http://t.co/gULCnAqIfm
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
7/8
2014
Just discovered that "William Hung" autofills before "William Hurt" on Google.
7/5
2014
@BoobsRadley Happy Birthday, my dear!
7/3
2014
"They Came Together" is the funniest movie I've seen in forever.
6/30
2014
Dan just rewound "Chinatown" so he could see a split-second of Faye Dunaway's nipple again.@HipStreeet I want to believe you wrote "Sate Fair" on purpose, because I always leave the Fair SATED. #friedcheese@torrrr_a It sounds delicious!
6/27
2014
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