Author, Comedian, and Screenwriter. New novel GALGORITHM out 5/5/15: http://t.co/5ZV8Oh87Fk
@KimAnn you mean más peligroso right?
@rickyrobinett over the Yankees? Come on.
@Sara_Sargent uh oh, @aecverost is involved? Got a lot more ideas now...@Sara_Sargent don't quote selectively! "...because I thought you'd find it amusing."@Sara_Sargent your approval is all I ever wanted@hatemyface no. just BoJack over and over again. (but i heard it's awesome).@shindig9 @derekschulte it's the best.BoJack Horseman is the best sitcom of the year. Have already watched the entire season twice. So weird and dark and Aaron Paul kills me.@justin_kanew high praise. great story. did he always have a texas accent though?@justin_kanew that was amazing. in the words of you... HERO.
stop tweeting about our private texts. RT @MichaelDoneger I have a feeling you didn't laugh as hard as your "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" suggests.@KatrinaLeno (i was making fun of you)@KatrinaLeno great tweet.@Sara_Sargent this will be going on until May 5th. Possibly even June 9th.@Sara_Sargent so many abrev. in this twt.
@saragnyc i just called uuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Fun fact: the last time Baltimore, Kansas City, San Francisco, and St. Louis were in the League Championship Series was never.@jboschan let's not get math involved.@ForceBarbell awesome! would love to!Did you know that discreet and discrete were two different words? I didn't and I do words and stuff for a living.
Peter Quinn is my spirit animal. #Homeland
@potlucksinner pretty pretty pretty good
Reality show idea: two groups of freegans go dumpster diving and then compete to prepare the best meal possible. FORAGE WARS.
Reality show idea: follow the hijinks of a zany mobile barbershop that drives through town cutting the hair of the hip and trendy. BANGS BUS
Reality show idea: a group of pregnant women spend three months on a cruise ship isolated from their families. TRIMESTER AT SEA.
Be honest: were bars always this loud or am I old? They're louder than they used to be right??
@jpressler i thought your airbnb article was really funny. laughed a few times. (this is an actual compliment, i'm not being sarcastic)
You didn't solve world hunger or the Mid East crisis, but you provided many fond memories & father-son moments. Thank you, Derek. #R2SPECT
@Sara_Sargent said at the end of all my dates.@Sara_Sargent no i meant don't ruin the moment. not the book. NOW you ruined it.@Sara_Sargent shh don't ruin it.Boffo time at @NeilParris's wedding this weekend. Sorry I drunkenly heckled the speeches. It's so rare that I get to be the drunken heckler.@Sara_Sargent @AbbiGlines @ingridsundberg @dawnmius @MartinaABoone GO! GO! GO! GO! (he said, supporting her career)
This is the best idea I've ever had. http://t.co/j3rLBhHX6y
@dropbox_support still have camera upload issues with new update. app slow to load and run, crashes, and displays incorrect red number.
@wahedrick94 thx bro
@Sara_Sargent ok i laughed. let's end here.@Sara_Sargent um, i think we need to talk about the birds and the bees.@Sara_Sargent it's gonna get a lot worse... and then a lot better!!!!! :)@baratunde i think i'm eating at http://t.co/BiABv8iV0Q tonight.@Sara_Sargent that's what she said.A high school kid made this cartoon representation of my last book, and it is awesome! http://t.co/VSllxBOzEP
Girls are desperate for guys to get down on one knee. Guys are desperate for girls to get down on both knees. http://t.co/byYkJzxpo9
@TheKennyLane oh kenny.
Overall grades: monologue / first hour: A. Second and third hours: C+. Thanks for following along! Next up: 2015 Golden Globes!Rusty Cohle woulda been cool with it.@tobes975 I'm a wonderful personI was googling Aaron Paul's wife, but not for that.@tobes975 I think that's her sober.TYPE GEORGE TYPE!!!!Miniseries need to be lanced from the Emmys telecast like an infected boil.Daddy needs a Quantum Leap joke.A rare bomb from Colbert. He gets a pass.