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Actor / Writer / Filmmaker / Blogger / Comedian / Critic / Gamer / Mad Scientist

74 Following   40,261 Followers   43,290 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/19/09

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Smaug: SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS. I SERIOUSLY HAVE MOLTEN GOLD RUN UP MY ASSHOLE. YOU TRY DIGGING IT OUT WITH CLAWS LIKE THIS.Smaug: AND WHAT HELD THE MOLTEN STATUE TOGETHER FOR LIKE EIGHT SECONDS AS I LOOKED AT IT? THE POWER OF COMEDY? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?Smaug: YOU PLANNED THIS ON THE FLY, WHILE ACTIVELY BEING CHASED BY A DRAGON BREATHING HELLFIRE UP YOUR ASSES. Thorin: LONG FORGOTTEN GOLD!!Smaug: OKAY, THERE IS NO WAY YOU MEANT TO DO THAT. NO WAY. Thorin: COMPLETELY INTENTIONAL. FATHER! EREBOR! Smaug: BULLSHIT. BULL. SHIT.*giant molten gold statue of a dwarf explodes all over Smaug* Smaug: AUUGH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS AAAAAHH WHAT THE HELL IT HURTS SO BADHandsome Dwarf in Pointless Legolas Cockblock Subplot: I didn't! Smaug: SHUT THE FUCK UP.Smaug: WAS THE BURGLAR THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T USE CHARISMA AS THEIR DUMP STAT? *the dwarves look at one another in confusion*Smaug: WELL, IT M-- Thorin: RECLAIM THE LAND OF MY FATHER!! Smaug: I-- YES WE ESTABL- Thorin: ARKENSTONE! Smaug: YOU ARE- Thorin: AAHH!Smaug: ALTHOUGH SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS COMPLETELY NUTLESS SENDING THAT POOR FELLOW IN BY HIMSELF. I MEAN COME ON. I ALMOST FEEL BAD KILLING HIMSmaug: ...WHAT? Thorin: ARKENSTONE! LAND OF MY FATHER!! BLAAAGH! Smaug: THE BURGLAR WAS DOING MUCH BETTER. Thorin: FOR MY FATHER!!!Smaug: AH, THORIN OAKENSHIELD! THERE YOU ARE! I THOUGHT I SMELLED OILY HAIR, CONTAGIOUS BALLS SWEAT, AND STUPID. Thorin: LAND OF MY FATHER!Smaug: GIVE IT UP, BURGLAR. YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT AND UNEMPLOYED. YOUR ONLY MARKETABLE SKILL IS INTERIOR DECORATION. I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR.Smaug: IF YOU'D HOLD STILL IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER. THEY SAY PERISHING BY DRAGON FLAME IS QUICK AND PAINLESS. THIS IS A LIE. AND HILARIOUS.Smaug: YOU WOULDN'T MIND STEPPING OUT WHERE I CAN SEE YOU? Bilbo: Ummm... rather not? Smaug: HOBBIT BACON, COMING UP.Bilbo: S-so does that mean I can go, O mighty Smaug? Smaug: WH- HA! HAHA! OH, OH NO. I'M SORRY. DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN GO. THAT'S SO CUTE.Smaug: WELL, IT HAS BEEN LOVELY CHATTING WITH YOU, BURGLAR, BUT I'M AFRAID I REALLY MUST DASH. COUNTRYSIDE TO RAZE, AND ALL THAT.Smaug: THAT ONE LONELY MOUNTAIN SONG? HOW LONG DID IT GO? Bilbo: Three fucking hours. Smaug: RIGHT? IT'S GOT LIKE FORTY GODDAMN VERSES.Smaug: A PERCENTAGE? YOU'RE TRUSTING DW- THEY DREW UP A CONTRACT, WROTE MUSICAL NUMBERS-- THEY STARTED SINGING, DIDN'T THEY. Bilbo: Oh yes.Smaug: *sigh* THEY REALLY SCREWED YOU OVER ON THIS. WHAT WERE THEY GOING TO PAY YOU? Bilbo: What now? Smaug: *faceclaw*Bilbo: ...Y-well-n- ah b-ah... Smaug: DIDN'T THINK SO. A GROUP OF DWARVES TRYING TO BE SNEAKY SOUNDS LIKE DROPPING KITCHENWARE DOWN STAIRS.Smaug: ALL RIGHT LOOK, AT LEAST TELL ME THIS IS A DIVERSION. A REALLY SHITTY DIVERSION. THORIN HAS A GROUP OF WARRIORS COMING TO AMBUSH ME.Bilbo: Found it! Smaug: OH GOD DAMN IT.Smaug: AND THIS THING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. THE ROOM IS NOT ONLY HUGE, IT'S LITERALLY TWENTY FOOT DEEP IN GOLD COINS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHITSmaug: THEY *KNEW* I COULD SMELL YOU, AND JUST ASSUMED... WHAT, THAT I WOULDN'T CARE IF SOME WEIRD OVERWEIGHT GNOME STOLE MY SHIT?Smaug: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU'RE A THIEF I COULD SMELL A MILE AWAY. NO OFFENSE. Bilbo: Oh, none taken. Smaug: YOU CAN'T SNEAK.@TheSpoonyOne landed aristocracy from what I can gather
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerBilbo: Yeah. Smaug: ARE YOU SOME KIND OF WARRIOR, OR...? Bilbo: I'm a Hobbit from Bag End, I work as a... um... actually what is my job?Smaug: SO THEY JUST SENT YOU IN HERE IN A CHAMBER LITERALLY THE SIZE OF MINAS TIRITH TO STEAL A ROCK THE SIZE OF A POTATO? WITH ME HERE?Radegast: Anyone want some wolf pee?! It helps ya sneak up on ANIMALS! Splash 'er real good under the pits...Gandalf: Everyone, this is my friend Radegast the Brown. He will guide us. Bilbo: He uses bird shit as conditioner, Gandalf. Fuck this guy.Thorin: Be not afraid. We have Gandalf the Grey with us. He has killed dozens of dragons. Gandalf: Actually, no. We are fucked.Tardo: I have a slingshot! Jumbo: I am comically, uselessly obese! Thorin: I HAVE A SHIELD MADE OF A FLAMMABLE MATERIAL!Bilbo: Seriously, how? Thorin: With this magic map, we will open a secret door into Erebor. Bilbo: Where the dragon immediately kills us.Thorin: We are going back to the Lonely Mountain to reclaim our home from the dragon! Bilbo: How? Thorin: ...WE MUST AWAY ERE BREAK OF DAYRemember that character arc from the first movie where Thorin realized what a dick he'd been? WELL FUCK THAT!Even the crap minutes? Like, the 400 crap minutes of the entire second movie?@TheSpoonyOne I'm looking foward to the extended edition. I've loved every minute of the hobbit movies so far
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerOh my GOD, there's an extended edition of the Hobbit 2?! There was stuff they CUT OUT?! That is IMPOSSIBLE.Damn! This isn't working at all.YOU FANS ARE STINKING PIGS! ... ... ICHIBAAAN!NO, YOU FOOLS. You're supposed to give me a wild babyface pop no matter what I say because I yelled "ICHIBAN!" at the end like Hogan.Hm. Let me try something. KINGDOM HEARTS SUCKS AND YOU'RE ALL WHORES FOR BUYING IT. ... *hands in the air* ICHIBAAAAAAAAN!!!Wow. Hogan was a HORRIBLE babyface. Shit, he was playing a heel the entire time. He would flat-out rake the eyes, fingernails over the back.Hogan just shoved the ref down!! He's supposed to be a babyface?!Except for the green mist, Hogan is probably fighting DIRTIER than Muta, but somehow still gets pops just by yelling "ICHIBAAAAAN!"Man, this match between Hogan and the Great Muta is essentially a heel vs. heel match, except even in Japan, Hogan is supposed to be face.Wow, looking through old footage in his Morticiantaker years, Undertaker was Didn't-Even-Notice-You-Hit-Me-Selling chair shots to the head.@TriggerWarming @SebastianCoe94 "I don't know what you're complaining about. It's only grossly inappropriate and offensive for a while."@TriggerWarming @SebastianCoe94 Who. Cares. I'm arguing about gender equality. You're arguing over how long we have to spend looking at it.*looks to his band leader who will laugh at any of his jokes*Much like they cut the legs out from under his world title run AM I RIGHT PEOPLE HEYOOOO!MY GOD, THEY CUT ALBERTO'S LEGS OFF TO SET HIM UPRIGHT IN THE BOX LIKE THAT!Alberto del Rio: Mexico's greatest export. #ButYou #YouAlreadyKnowThat http://t.co/yLQm0YjrQD*Rey attempts to set the comic page alight with his Latino HEAAAAAAAAT!*Rey Rey doesn't look shocked, so much as he's vamping for the camera.WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', CM PUNK. http://t.co/7rdS2TVpVTMy crew has mutinied. =,(RT @ThousandLion @TheSpoonyOne Record it! // I can't! She got pissed and left to be with April! She went on strike!She'll be okay and then they do that HERRRRRP! thing and she just FLIPS like "OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE *FUCK.*"*Wow.* Oreo HATES the Barbarians. I mean HATES it. This movie legitimately pisses her off.*RENEGADE INTERRUPT* (puts fish in air conditioning system) "Heh heh heh..."* (PARAGON) Oil change, $19.95! We're having an online special. * $25 * (RENEGADE) We only do synthetic now. Gotta flush the whole system.* At a guess, sounds like battery's dead! * Could be the solenoid. I'll run some tests. * (RENEGADE) Gonna need to to replace the starter.*looks at game sale* Car Mechanic Simulator? Is there a mode where I show everyone the same dirty air filter & charge $70 for a new one?I'm doing a Counter Monkey soon on the Black Knight's armor. It's very, very special. #ItBelongsInAMuseum@Linkara19 You like women? Fag.@Linkara19 @KalelData @ShadowTodd You think you've got problems. I'm never going to be as good an actor as James Dean.Thinking about it, I wonder how the apes in the future movies treated their she-apes socially... I can't remember.
9/11
2014
Gravely offended, and I won't have fun having to apologize for the complete lack of manners of hateful apes like you.Offended much? Have fun with your white male guilt. Hope you love apologizing for the rest of your life. @TheSpoonyOne
Retweeted by Noah Antwiler@Rasharmonic I still have my sense of humor. I distance myself from appalling people like you so I can keep it.@Rasharmonic I'm no longer going to attempt to engage in any kind of intelligent conversation with you.@Rasharmonic @MatthewWRossi What in GOD'S holy name are you blathering about?Tapes are the ancient tablets we put data on. You saw them here: http://t.co/uKWzwpT358@8bitscholar Welcome to a few years ago, nimrod.@TheSpoonyOne - be careful, Spoon. the younger audience may not know what a "tape deck" is ;P
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerOreo: Perhaps we'd best KILL THEM KILL THEM BOTH SOULS OPEN THE ROAD FOR HIS RETURN AND THE DOOM OF MAN KILL THEM BAAL TAKE YOUOreo: I daresay, chaps, things have taken a turn for the surreal.Check it out, man! We picked up Kenny Rogers!! "How far to Tijana, man? I gotta ditch this gun!"Come on you guys! I bet you're GREAT at mysteries! *the two cops at in the other lane look at each other*(in reality) *the bus is idling at a four-way stop as Rush loops on the tape deck*Come on, everyone! We're gonna climb in my flying bus and solve mysteries and shit!!@TheSpoonyOne http://t.co/nbHrSfY76x
Retweeted by Noah Antwiler@randomfox And like a tennis racquet, I whip that link back unseen with #NotAllWhatevers attached.RT @KenjiSense @TheSpoonyOne You'd be more like James dean if you could act better in your skits, jus' saying // DAAAAAAAAMMMMN!Describe this bandwagon. I imagine it's a tie-dye colored VW Bus, in which case I reckon it has all the weed. So yes, I will ride the wagon.RT @Rasharmonic I guess the band wagon was just too tempting. @TheSpoonyOne // The bandwagon. Of people being generally nice to one another.Well. Let's unwrap that one. Not giving a fuck about Final Fantasy fandom, I'm fucking James Dean. Treating women like garbage? *hwakka!*What happened to our Spoony who would just didn't give a fuck and was hilarious for [not] doing so? @TheSpoonyOne
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerI'm sorry, next time I talk about women's issues I'll punctuate my talking points with a clown horn. *hwakaa hwakka hwakka!!*Spoony this is about corruption in gaming, not the SJW bible. You caring about this stuff makes you look so unfunny. @TheSpoonyOne
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerDragon Dragon would slaughter the Exotic Express Bunny.@TheSpoonyOne DRAGON DRAGON! AND IT'S A HUGE DRAGON!
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerSUPER DRAGON!RT @DominicAveiro @TheSpoonyOne @Qarx @BriMakesMusic Real cool. // And it's only $9.99! http://t.co/wDjulZO8ZoRT @Qarx @TheSpoonyOne @BriMakesMusic who work? // It all works! http://t.co/WbqoprE0LURT @BriMakesMusic @TheSpoonyOne what maze? // The maze on the Network! http://t.co/15ytZrqi5rYou remind me of the maze. http://t.co/jiEqfQVZk0@Nukleon Hm. Not sure what to tell you. They were monochrome computers, definitely Apples, and I'm virtually certain IIes.@PushinUpRoses Oooh, touchy. Fine. I been WARNED.@PushinUpRoses Gone Home is not a game.@Raithnor Fairly sure it was on a IIe. We had Oregon Trail, Netrek, and one other thing that was multiplayer... Appletalk protocol was shit.Sadly, nobody plays Netrek anymore when the console pussies watered down the gaming market with their two-button controls.Hwaaaaa.....See, I don't consider myself a gamer. These hands? These skills? I am an artist, my friends.Scorched Earth? Ain't talking Worms. Scorched Earth. I WILL BURY YOU. LITERALLY. THERE IS A BOMB THAT BURIES YOU IN SHIT.You wanna go old-school, back in lab we had Apple IIes. Fuck your NES; you play a man's game. Step up to Netrek and I will THUNDERFUCK you.When you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained by Admiral Thrawn in TIE Fighter to CONQUER GALAXIES.The *hell* do you mean "for a non-console game?" Listen, console humper; you and your baby toy controllers can eat my balls.@TheSpoonyOne It's a good game, isn't it? Especially for a non-console game.
Retweeted by Noah AntwilerSorry about the lack of updates; I've been meaning to put up the LP of "The Last Door" April & I did a week or so back. That was a good one.I'm working overtime on the next review. I'll have it done soon as I can.Which is pretty much how CM Punk got fired from the WWE, long story short. #CMPunk #YERRRRRR #FIIIRRRRHHHHHRRRRDDDD http://t.co/y0rtBpGreAI'd still watch that video before One Night in Chyna AM I RIGHT GUYS? HEYOOOOAnd then Santino gets abducted by a gorilla to seemingly be brutally raped and nobody appears to care. http://t.co/y3BnmfYf5Y"I'll never forget tonight, Punk, as long as you never forget the name..." *hhssssssfffffff...* *HHHAHHH* "Goooooolllldusssst."And then CM Punk & Goldust had an astonishingly gay moment out of nowhere. http://t.co/qQ5hxqh6VX
9/10
2014
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