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The only mouse in comedy 🐁

700 Following   162,733 Followers   1,017 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/15/09


@ellashepston hahahaha i would have flopped back in the water after 0.5 seconds
12/11
2017
WELL it turns out sending one tweet about my West End run next January didn’t sell it out like I assured the produc… https://t.co/iCrSdsp7wR
12/6
2017
My London run of Ladsladslads is now on sale I love you https://t.co/39AyV07yxj ❤️🎺
10/12
2017
When people write to tell me I'm not good at comedy, I reply "Well you're not good at fan mail" then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
10/10
2017
I can't decide whether to go to hot yoga or lie down & hope to die where I am.
10/9
2017
Accidentally tagged myself on a picture of my ex boyfriends new baby.
9/26
2017
It's so crass to retweet compliments so let me just tell you, humbly, that I get absolutely millions.
9/25
2017
my adaptation of Pride and Prejudice has been published so you can put it on for your parents ❤️https://t.co/ddmRZa4hvu
9/18
2017
worst part of being single is when you're about to take off on a plane and you have no one to text "if I die you can't have my money" to.
9/17
2017
I'm @RonJichardson tonight https://t.co/51npSf5sRg
9/15
2017
Also I've never been to China which is how I know it's not there. https://t.co/0kqnjnFUgG
9/8
2017
Hey @thepope I think I found your girlfriend's bracelet? https://t.co/M2SiHQx5LtA winning solution to Page 3 from @SaraPascoe... 😂🗞 #LiveAtTheApollo https://t.co/850BssED2q
Retweeted by Sara Pascoe
9/5
2017
People going on about how great it is to have 'loved ones' don't know the joy of listening to true crime podcasts 16 hours a day.
8/2
2017
🧐 https://t.co/ikdoUI3nAR
7/26
2017
I've decided I WILL have children only so they can make me proud by going on Love Island.
7/24
2017
Maybe i'll write a novel about some Harem Pants that come to life just to kill themselves.
7/21
2017
My sister is getting married tmrw, should I start the "oh Jeremy Corbyn" chant during vows or wait for reception?
7/7
2017
🤠 https://t.co/mMCAHBVWcJ
6/15
2017
A LADYBIRD JUST DID A WEE ON ME!
5/29
2017
GUYS, I am on a train and I can see someone reading my book. Shall I go sit on her lap? Offer to read it aloud for her? What is protocol?
4/20
2017
All these products claiming to be 'ideal gift for mum' don't know her at all. She only likes SlimFast, cats and rewriting the past.PRESS PLEASE NOTE: I will now only be interviewed with goats. https://t.co/QUYYiU0JA8
3/24
2017
BOOKS OF THE MONTH!!! 😋☺️😍 https://t.co/ki4miuX1Dh
3/6
2017
At 6.45pm tonight I will be trying not to puke on myself LIVE on @BBCOne #letssinganddance #rednoseday https://t.co/LPd5hbeew1
3/4
2017
Sweet children, the paperback of my book Animal is published today! And it's super cheap from @Waterstoneshttps://t.co/grUMqDUWxw
3/2
2017
Please read about Andy and sign if you have a moment. It's so vital people know about this and that his family get… https://t.co/aTzjIfx7Gl
2/4
2017
I like my men like I like my coffee; making me anxious.
1/15
2017
Am I due on my period or does the moon look lonely?
1/11
2017
New Character Idea: InstaGramps. He is vain and loves clean eating but can't work the camera on his phone.
1/7
2017
My best friend had a baby and I'm SO GLAD she finally knows someone who cries more than me.
1/6
2017
I just unfriended someone on Facebook because of her stomach muscles.
1/5
2016
Guys- I joined Instagram like a young person. Come find me @sara.pascoe- NOT YOU EGGS OF HATRED 🍳 Xxx
12/30
2016
So when Lena Dunham says she wishes she had an abortion everyone has a go at her, but when my mum says it my birthday party was ruined.
12/21
2016
Christmas presents = unwrapping proof that the people you love don't know you at all.
12/19
2016
Bitch told me she was dead. https://t.co/u1eRAI2cyH
12/13
2016
It's winter, shall we play a game of 'legs or really really hairy hotdogs'?This will all be over one day #mondaymotivation
12/12
2016
Dear Wine, I love you my self-inflicted lobotomy. XCheck out our favourite books of 2016 on https://t.co/wFltexnt3K and share yours! #Booksof2016 https://t.co/2OdK6WTmf7
Retweeted by Sara Pascoe
12/11
2016
I really hope that this year, it's Claudia and Tess that are secretly banging.
12/10
2016
I blush with the joy of inclusion and will use my Christmas book vouchers to buy all the others! https://t.co/4tLuaEDvE5
12/8
2016
In my school Nativity I played The Donkey, which is the most unhygienic instrument.
11/29
2016
The funniest books of the year, from @sarapascoe's Animals to @DougStanhope's Digging Up Mother… https://t.co/IzBsL4XCmq
Retweeted by Sara Pascoe
11/19
2016
Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like Idris Elba is watching.
11/8
2016
Some crazy criminal has destroyed ALL the jeans in EVERY shop.
10/11
2016
Can only imagine what I might achieve if I didn't spend so much time crying at adverts for banks.
10/10
2016
If you want to get loads of compliments always tell people you're 10 or 20 years older than you are 😉
10/9
2016
If i ever design a perfume it will be called 'Je Regret Everything' and it will smell like Sambuca and Marlboro Menthol.
10/8
2016
New Idea for Observational Comedy: a bath towel rants/moves arms saving how kitchen towel & sanitary towel are not proper towels.
9/22
2016
Twitter has destroyed the art of letter writing: https://t.co/NNkE2AxLGAHow many loyalty cards can I have before the sentiment is logically devalued?
8/28
2016
I'm not at Edinburgh but I'm still getting real het up about the journalism: https://t.co/acBlhGGHHg
8/6
2016
GOING ON HOLIDAY? Why not take my book? NO HOLIDAY THIS YEAR? Why not read it in the rain at a bus stop? https://t.co/ueFo0JLD3G📚📖
7/10
2016
I tried that coconut water: 'urgh' I told my friend 'it tastes like cum'. Next time I went round there she had 9 bottles in her fridge.
7/3
2016
Both things are full of my secrets 👻 https://t.co/YcFBgyKUmuAlso here is a link to buy my book, if you haven't already, how are we even friends? https://t.co/g8TwhX5OkQ 🐭
6/21
2016
This tweet goes out to all the kids who have to meet mummy's new boyfriend tonight. #WHYdoesshehavetobehappy
6/3
2016
If I understand the relationship between smoking and health costs correctly, then I will only get cancer at parties.
6/1
2016
If the internet hadn't been invented we'd all still be Line Dancing.
5/30
2016
Please sign my petition campaigning to get women over 30 an extra day off work every week to "lock in moisture" https://t.co/s408rRjm9Q
5/26
2016
CRAzY TRUE LIFE STORY woman thinks her nose is professional doctor: https://t.co/bytxrjiq9R
5/19
2016
I've decided to do my bit and give free kisses to everyone who promises not to join ISIS.
5/2
2016
ADAM BUXTON PODCAST EP.18 with @sarapascoe is up now on @acast, iTunes and downloadable as MP3 here: https://t.co/eXeXmiTxX7
Retweeted by Sara Pascoe
4/28
2016
If you were thinking you'd buy my book as long as you didn't have to see my face WHSmiths is the place: https://t.co/3LFDe6trTU
4/23
2016
I did @QIpodcast and thus completed my bucket list 200 years before i'm due to die. xx https://t.co/xGijInHvUG
4/22
2016
Just a bit of serialised in the Guardian mate https://t.co/ruBqJ99tz4 and yes I DO hate the picture how are you? xx
4/11
2016
Hope I don't get recognised while out on my run... https://t.co/IldjM11czk
2/28
2016
"can you try and lighten this up a bit?" they asked me but I couldn't: https://t.co/67Mc3jwtEX
2/24
2016
About 6 years ago all the female pubic hair ran away and went to live on hipster men's faces.
2/23
2016
I dreamt I invented a machine that kept tampons warm. I sold them as gifts for 'the woman who has everything'. I wish Freud was here.
2/20
2016
Idea for sale (£35): VIPodcast. Someone interview famous person on London eye. You can only go round once, remember to press record. X
2/18
2016
I wrote this about silly dresses https://t.co/lNPX1xXtux xx
2/17
2016
"This looks like a case for CSI Stockwell Station" https://t.co/Edn3xAqA5iHow many calories does crying about not knowing what to wear to the gym burn per hour?
2/16
2016
I'm about to be ambushed by branches of Greggs. https://t.co/TxZ9q0GOB7I know it's the natural consequence of 'reply all' but it's still so creepy to get an email from myself.
2/6
2016
I want the Serial theme tune played at my funeral.
2/4
2016
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