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Greg @themanwhofell London, England

I can't believe people have unfollowed me just because I haven't tweeted for two years. I will return to Twitter on September 14th 2017.

406 Following   17,953 Followers   78,753 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/6/09

Hello, Twitter. I said I’d be back today. And now I am back. HELLO. I HOPE YOU ARE WELL. Now I must go. See you in a year or two.
Twitter is no place for a human being.If I were asked to give evident at the Leveson Inquiry I'd answer all the questions using the teacher from Charlie Brown's voice.I'm pretty sure Andy Coulson will disappear if we all stop believing in him.Earlier I saw Ed Balls at Finsbury Park: @immmy The waffle van is still there. I do not use the waffle van. @immmy I do. It is beautiful. @sadbearhandbook it was an honest mistake. Rain. Rain. Rain.I am in a pub. I regret dressing as an oak barrel.I notice I have butter on my trousers. It's not even real butter. It's low-fat olive oil spread. God is telling me something. @jonronson Happy. A woman is shouting about Jesus. As I write this tweet a man approaches me to offer personal training sessions.I am in a Top Man changing room. If there were a priest in the next booth I would confess everything.I am in Top Man. I am trying to fill the spiritual void in my life by buying mustard-coloured chinos. I can't do it.Now I am in town. I will wander. I may go to Top Man. I am a freelance ghost, haunting Oxford Street. Here is a photo of Ed Balls's shoes. They are quite normal shoes.Ed sat and read The Financial Times. I got off at Oxford Circus. I don't know where Ed Balls gets off. Godspeed, Ed Balls."Yes," I answered. "What's his name again?" They asked. "Ed Balls," I mouthed. "Ed Balls!" They whispered to each other gleefully.We got on the train. I found a seat. Two women opposite me pointed and giggled at him. I nodded my head. "It's him, isn't it?" They asked.I sat down on the bench at Finsbury Park tube. I found myself sitting next to Ed Balls. He was reading a folder of documents. I didn't peek.I am outside. @wowser Twitter is a terrible burden. @wowser Oh Ed. Ed. Ed. Ed. Ed. Look what we've become. @sesp Stand on your desk. Sing. Sing. Sing.My aim for today is to leave the flat. I can't help but think I'm being overambitious.It's absolutely sickening how just a few rich people control so much of the world's wealth.
2012 These are strawberry lances. They are not strawberry laces. No. Not at all. Not strawberry laces. @Biltawulf @Inbetweener_ @stephenfry Goodnight to all of us, wherever we are. @Inbetweener_ Goodnight. @RAFT_CEO Hello Leanor. If it's a disguise, it's a very good disguise. @_juliannemoore Hello. @LeRazzleDazzle Damn it. I swore never to help anyone with their A-Levels. @EddieRobson No. That is overstating things.Please don't mistake me for a political activist. At best I am a man in a room.I don't like tweeting articles but @Dannythefink has written a good piece about conservatism and gay marriage: you missed it a few days ago, @exeuntmag asked me some arty questions about Twitter: Give it a read. @StyleAndErrorUK @radioleary Here is a photo of a squirrel climbing up my leg. @Mug_7 @TheAzzo @mattleys I walk past it often. It is always rammed. @jonronson I never liked Thatcher but I find all the gleeful cackling about her inevitable death very unpleasant. @rihanna It can. I also like the soothing sounds of whalesong. @Melberley Yes. @rihanna I really don't know what that means. @Paper_Polly Ok. Not great.MCA. Maurice Sendak. Vidal Sassoon. It's not been a great week for Jewish men. People should stop dying for a bit. @RedEaredRabbit It is still a bus. @RedEaredRabbit Well done. @WH1SKS To be fair, @wowser's emails were very good. @WH1SKS What am I? Chopped liver? @BlissMoore You don't mean that. @RealReeceShears There's a scene slightly like that in 12 Angry Men, but I don't think it's the film you're thinking of. @radioleary Thank you Dermot. I plough a lonely furrow. @Biltawulf Stay in. Vomit up your pork pie sandwich. @brokenbottleboy Phew. @ajhmurray It is a bad film. Discussion over. @brokenbottleboy Yes. You are back in Norwich, assailed by your past. Try to stay on Twitter throughout. It will keep you calm. @davidmcalmont Say hello to him from me. @nickw84 Yes. But it is wrong. I must stop it. @TwentiesClub Probably not but you never know. @nickw84 Yes. I think I'm scared of getting too excited about things. @RobzillaThe2nd Thanks for the offer but I'm doing ok for hugs.I say the phrase: "It's good but not great" at least 20 times every day. Often I'm on my own. It's a bit depressing. @radioleary Hello Dermot. How are you? I've been watching The Voice. It's good but not great. You are missed. @mapsadaisical They make EVERYTHING. That's the problem.I am going to continue to buy and consume Diageo products but I'll probably sigh loudly whilst doing so.Welcome Cottages replied to my email ( about my pet giraffe:
Retweeted by Greg @bad_gary Yep. That would be good. @bad_gary I need a hypnotherapist. Did you enjoy it? Find it useful/interesting? @helloitselliot Someone covered it on The Voice last week. Hence its appearance.I'm starting to like the rain. This is like Stockholm Syndrome, but with weather. @sadeagle The Chinese were created by the world's elite so to distract us. They're nothing more than an optical illusion.It's absolutely sickening how just a few rich people control so much of the world's wealth. @sesp @wowser @NaomiMc That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.If I had a pound for every cup of tea I've had today, I'd be disgusted. Subsidising tea-drinking isn't going to revive the economy.Many of you failed to retweet me today, which means I'll be docked pay. Thanks a lot.If anything, the sandwich was a bit too thick. Sandwich-making isn't an exact science, like love or chemistry.In answer to your questions, the filling of my sandwich is leftover cod from last night's fish and chips. I added some ketchup.David Cameron: "Twix!" Ed Miliband: "Kit Kat!" Nick Clegg: "I don't know. This is some kind of trick, isn't it? Ummm... Chomp?"I am eating a sandwich.