Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Engineer

686 Following   31,027 Followers   53,830 Tweets

Joined Twitter 12/28/11


@11MyJam it's a robot virus @11MyJam is that your husband[robot therapy] DOC: ...so in what way does your wife irritate you? ROBOT: She just pushes my buttonsKAMALA HARRIS: Are you claiming to be a virgin? KAVANAUGH: Yes KAMALA HARRIS: So you've never seen a vagina? KAV… https://t.co/v3qLnOaxCEMake of this what you will... https://t.co/M8FKmxaQrwME: Here, I finished your wife's portrait HIM: This just looks like the back of her head ME: Oh well, back to the… https://t.co/IKr32kVH2p
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosME: Here, I finished your wife's portrait HIM: This just looks like the back of her head ME: Oh well, back to the… https://t.co/IKr32kVH2p
9/25
2018
So this corroborates the victim's story that it was attempted rape https://t.co/TwgCFcK6NA @AnOrangeSNES @prufrockluvsong @SuperApple80 @Angibangie @MsFoxIfUrNasty @ShesARealGenius @WheelTod @Pork_Chop_Hairhttps://t.co/5uZz00iPoWAll I'm saying is that I don't want to be skinny, because eating is fun. What I want to be is a very flexible chubby girl, ok? -me at yoga
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @AnOrangeSNES @prufrockluvsong @SuperApple80 @Angibangie @MsFoxIfUrNasty @ShesARealGenius @WheelTod @Pork_Chop_Hairhttps://t.co/WHurjzsbO8ME: Honey, I got a job counting everytime something poops at the farm WIFE: What's that like? ME: ... https://t.co/fsFcwC1T68
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosHome Alone 28: Kevin Lives by Himself in the House of His Dead Parents
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosWIFE: I told you to call a plumber. ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. https://t.co/RmUaam9Wfh
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosTop things to not change midstream: 1) Horses 2) Urinals
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlosfriend: I just found out one of my twins lost another tooth me: really? which one? friend: Timmy me: weird name for a tooth, but ok
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @mikewebb22 @punmagnate @roxitiger @the_gneech you guys are pushing my buttonsHome Alone 28: Kevin Lives by Himself in the House of His Dead ParentsPHYSICS TEACHER: ...and planes are able to fly due to an effect called "uplift" STUDENT: What's uplift? BRITISH E… https://t.co/Xq6ZuoaZ9i
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlosfriend: dude i just went to denver and got edibles me: nice, but the rest of the country just calls it "food"
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA! https://t.co/qNO29AuuDN
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosME: Honey, I got a job counting everytime something poops at the farm WIFE: What's that like? ME: ... https://t.co/fsFcwC1T68KAMALA HARRIS: Do you know what happened on April 24, 1982? KAVANAUGH: Well, German singer "Nicole" won the Eurovi… https://t.co/e9ZzqCrluS
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosKAMALA HARRIS: Do you know what happened on April 24, 1982? KAVANAUGH: Well, German singer "Nicole" won the Eurovi… https://t.co/e9ZzqCrluSMore like Brett Kava...nah
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosBREAKING: Charles Manson's calendar indicates he wasn't even at any murder parties
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos
9/24
2018
@DeanandSam911 sorry that joke triggered you @trojansauce ok gramps @trojansauce haha you're an old now tooBREAKING: Charles Manson's calendar indicates he wasn't even at any murder parties[Rome Construction - Day 1] BUILDER {reading plans}: Holy crap ROMAN: What? BUILDER: You see this fuckin schedule?
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosIf IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @philyuck @DanMentos did it again folks @abbycohenwl it wat me do @DrGhostbaby another reason to vote for him!PHYSICS TEACHER: ...and planes are able to fly due to an effect called "uplift" STUDENT: What's uplift? BRITISH E… https://t.co/Xq6ZuoaZ9i @Prof_Hinkley @ElleOhHell @WhatsAGreenhorn @Ygrene G ive T rav F ive of these O reos @Prof_Hinkley @ElleOhHell @WhatsAGreenhorn @Ygrene sorry this is as close as I could get https://t.co/hxPe4DmwWLMy anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[blind date] HER: I recently found Jesus ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosPresbyterians is an anagram of Britney Spears https://t.co/XpenMoV27o
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos*sees baby* *crouches down, does some cute baby talk* *no reaction from baby* *stands up slowly* You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @david8hughes my dog is funny looking https://t.co/zRsn5QlwmV @jessokfine https://t.co/143uGOGQHq
9/23
2018
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question ME: I figured I'd get a few right TEACHER: It wasn't multiple choice
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @ojedge ooooomooooogooooo @CassieTaylor038 it was the last one but they still had a giant squid @StTabitha pardon? @StTabitha So stealth I can't even see your message @bornmiserable he's a sloppy kisserMost weeds burn at 420°. Now you know.Just adopted this guy from a rescue shelter. Little fella was about to be put down. https://t.co/HbLI8zNMk0Ahh the classic baggel! RT if u love 2 eat bangles! https://t.co/NKnfqZFXbQ
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosI'm verified but choose not to display my blue check out of modesty @LeBearGirdle mmm, fire-roastedhey, I just met Zeus and this is crazy but he's a swan and I'm having babies
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosBeto O'Rourke's full name is Betomax Opossum Rourkupine
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosChicken lays eggs Chicken loses job Chicken needs to make ends meet https://t.co/4cnveG4mjl
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carloshim: I think we should see other people me: is that on hulu or netflix
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carloscolorblind people have it best: 1. can't watch orange is the new black 2. legally exempt from obeying traffic lig… https://t.co/M6TVklECgM
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @ArfMeasures thanks Jon! @roboticcrab Once when I wasn't home he gave my wife a video and that I was supposed to watch and then discuss the next time @roboticcrab I have a monthly visitor too @roboticcrab cause you niceEither this is the most extensive Showcase Showdown ever, or I got lost in IKEA again.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @nice_mustard look I stay out of politics but you're insulting mayonnaise here @ElleOhHell @WhatsAGreenhorn @Prof_Hinkley @Ygrene same @WhatsAGreenhorn @Prof_Hinkley @ElleOhHell @Ygrene trav loves them @Prof_Hinkley @ElleOhHell @Ygrene maple ham oreo @TheTimmyToes *places complete Star Trek box set on the table* oh yeah? @TheTimmyToes this sounds made upBeto O'Rourke's full name is Betomax Opossum RourkupineFriend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosIf you are panicking, try to breathe deeply. Unless you're drowning then hell I don't know.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @fishbowel i pulled some strings
9/22
2018
Wow I can't believe these dna results: H H O O T D D O O G G… https://t.co/LnthWtkvyK
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosWow I can't believe these dna results: H H O O T D D O O G G… https://t.co/LnthWtkvyKJack Ryan (TV series 2018) https://t.co/aURxTE6H1n
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosTEACHER: You just answered B to every test question ME: I figured I'd get a few right TEACHER: It wasn't multiple choice[blind date] HER: I love the fall ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[lemming family dinner] LEMMING TEEN: Can I go to the mall...all my friends are going LEMMING DAD: If all your fr… https://t.co/yCYWKFio8n
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlosme: what are you doing lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]… https://t.co/l4Nc7cxhKz
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @Jonbroughton ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯ they tried
9/21
2018
@fro_vo thanks fro! https://t.co/aimX5NBCL9 https://t.co/bLIfZkDy0U[Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[Jack Ryan] CIA BOSS: who are you JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan BOSS: nice to meet you ryan JACK: no it… https://t.co/r0fsQJRyIe
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @Home_Halfway she just heard that phrase somewhere[lemming family dinner] LEMMING TEEN: Can I go to the mall...all my friends are going LEMMING DAD: If all your fr… https://t.co/yCYWKFio8n @House_Feminist that one time you looked by accident counts[therapy] DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon ME: No, a fear of clones DOC: Oh…that seems irrational OTHER ME: That's what I said
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @parzival_360 @AndrewNadeau0 This happened before they knew that @House_Feminist were you reading my timeline again? @morrowmancer I am notIf the fact that someone trying cereal for the first time as an adult is trending doesn't make you hate our society… https://t.co/00gVfiYCxu
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @KimmyMonte I can't believe your mom is Warren Beatty. hope she feels better[Rome Construction - Day 1] BUILDER {reading plans}: Holy crap ROMAN: What? BUILDER: You see this fuckin schedule? @ElleOhHell I'd like like to think about it a bit longer @ElleOhHell so "dad" is the good end?
9/20
2018
@MsLouAtkinson @falifafafa @rockymomax Can you make sure you let people know you've got this joke from @rockymomax.IVANKA: I have bad news TRUMP: What is it? IVANKA: You're bankrupt TRUMP: Oh no, not again! IVANKA: Morally ba… https://t.co/oNeJHbDenf
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos
9/19
2018

0