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Joined Twitter 12/28/11

HER: 🎶 I really can't stay 🎶 ME: 🎶 But baby, it's cold outside 🎶 HER: 🎶 Actually, global temperatures on average…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosDid you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlosi’m always kinda pissed a goblet isn’t a baby goblin
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosI'll have a club sandwich on rye. Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @Home_Halfway @markedly @caraweinberger @KimmyMonte @batkaren @dave_cactus @tchrquotes @MarfSalvador @ArfMeasures F… are those reports ready? ME: *turns to documents on my desk* you guys good to go?
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @huntigula Congrats to you AlabamianiansCongratulations U.S. Senator Doug Jones
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosDon't do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They've had a long day.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @devaudio1 Nope, that's Doug Jones
Congratulations U.S. Senator Doug Jones Defeated in Alabama, Pedophile Stocks PlummetMore like No Moore amirite? @KyleMcDowell86 too high...this is a clear cop outIf this tweet gets 500k likes I'll eat a can of wet dog food and post the video online. You know ill do it.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @KyleMcDowell86 @jessokfine @whatmaddness but yer kibbles where yer mouth is @jessokfine @whatmaddness @KyleMcDowell86 it would separate the dogs from the kitty-cats @jessokfine @whatmaddness @KyleMcDowell86 i dont think he is brave and strong enough @whatmaddness @KyleMcDowell86 i do - kyle likes meow mix @KyleMcDowell86 @whatmaddness then youll eat his foodkool-aid man sleeps standing-up like a horse
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[meeting my future self] ME: do I become rich and famous FUTURE ME WEARING A TRASHBAG AS A SHIRT: nope
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[End of the year review] Boss: What can we do to make this a better working environment for you? Me: *thinking*
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosOh you're Trump fan? Name three of his sexual assaults and/or bankruptciesEggnog comes from the Old English "egg" which means egg and "nog" which means vomit
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @joshuaray noDid I take too much viagra? Damn straight.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @sxsdale @Mikel_Jollett I'm still speechless @KimmyMonte youamriteI'm a tweeter and my dog's a wooferLook at this horse's ass...also a horse[death row] WARDEN: Good news, you've been granted your choice of the electric chair ME: And what about my last m…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosTRUMP: I don’t know and/or have never met these women. FAKE NEWS! "Wasn't one of them a Trump Tower receptionist?"… comes from the Old English "egg" which means egg and "nog" which means vomitHey all I made a Christmas song. Every dime it makes will go to 3 soup kitchens in Winnipeg. To help you only have…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[high school parking lot] GIRL: Let's go for a soda ROY MOORE *rising out of bushes*: I'll drive...You kids and your 3-way sex, trying to get with Sam and Sara—you’re really getting it on with Saṃsāra, the unending cycle of birth and death
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosChimney sales are through the roof!
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos* yelling through a glory hole* HAS ANYONE OVER THERE SEEN THE KEYS TO A SUBARU FORESTER
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carloswelcome to 2017 everyone you know and love is a rapist
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosHow to get with the holiday spirit ~Take holiday spirit out to dinner ~Give holiday spirit too much wine ~Tell holiday spirit she sexy af
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Bublé bath WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear ME: Right MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosKID: *is crying over school drama* ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get o…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlosthis is proof that if we all work together we can do anything
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosFRIEND: *sighs* life has no meaning ME: cmon man, you can't think like that- *pulls out dictionary* life means an…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @SirEviscerate We just say sorry after @caliluvgirl77 That was on my bucket list, thank you @SirEviscerate Never! #FirstAmendment @SirEviscerate I stood on your car to reach those berries...which are delicious btw... though they give me the shNeighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn. Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemon…
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[my dog poops] man: pick it up! [my dog poops faster]
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos
[Coca-Cola focus group 1892] *everyone screams, throwing chairs through the window, trying to kill God* CHEMIST: maybe slightly less cocaine
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @captainkalvis Easy come... @captainkalvis @captainkalvis It's a pretty fast tv @captainkalvis I saw you on tv @quietbonnie @RobertDesmohead @CulturedRuffian BonnieWIFE: How was the first day of space command? ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said "laser beans."
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @Cpin42 there must be others @Cpin42 He eventually saw a specialist about this... @quietbonnie @RobertDesmohead @CulturedRuffian no, not literal enough...shepherd literally means "sheep herd" (not cow herd) @quietbonnie @RobertDesmohead @CulturedRuffian Bonnie*jiggling wine glass next to my ear* Deceitful yet ambidextrous
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosI am going to go ahead and just say it. Eggnog is spicy milk
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosAn apple a day only keeps your doctor away if he's not also a horse. My doctor is a horse. My insurance is terrible.
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos[blind date] HER: I love the fall ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @AndrewChamings @seandunn76 @panmidwest *hovel @AndrewChamings @_grammar_ @AndrewChamings @_grammar_ but we still get our eton degrees tho right? @_wonshikkies @lev_lewis95 football?"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @trojansauce he'll deny it just like Trump does @trojansauce what the hell?!lads, he’s at it again
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosSCROOGE: Oh great spirit...why are we at the Olive Garden? GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' CarlosME: [finds skeletal remains] I'm gonna go out on a limb here and presume she's dead
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @BuckyIsotope I'm warming up to this guy[heaven] ME: Lord? JESUS: My son ME: I have an important question JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f- ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Retweeted by Todd 'Papi' Carlos @RobertDesmohead @CulturedRuffian David was a shepherd, not a cowboy smh