Sign in with Twitter


Writer, Artist, "Not Bachelor Material" The books are "Tommy Bean and the Clever Scheme" (on Amazon) and "Fart Cops" (coming soon).

328 Following   130 Followers   5,645 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/22/17

@AllieGoertz This feels like a trap... @ericarhodes Deus ex machina.
Substituted sit-ups for getting high tonight and I've never recognized myself less.Evangelical pastors can’t admit they’re wrong about Trump because if their flocks start thinking “what else is he w…
Retweeted by Non-Disco Agreement Tim JamesIn retrospect, it might have been a mistake to give Facebook all of my personal information in exchange for seeing…
Retweeted by Non-Disco Agreement Tim JamesSeth McFarlane is the American Ricky Gervais. Don't @ me.Damn, baby, you look so good I'ma get that Michael Douglas cancer offa you.DO NOT CONGRATULATE.
Retweeted by Non-Disco Agreement Tim JamesWhatever happened to Friends? (No, not the show) @quinncy God bless getting real... @LosFelizDaycare “To withhold deserved praise lest it should make its object conceited is as dishonest as to withh… delete half my comments because the last thing I need is some of these a-holes responding to me.Idiots love crazy conspiracies (the crazier the better) because it's a form of "knowledge" that they can possess an… google the TV listings every time I need them because I don't want to admit that I need them. @11MyJam @GregGonsky @washingtonpost If you want to blind yourself, that's fine, but we're talking about a before-a… @11MyJam @GregGonsky @washingtonpost The difference is that Russia attacked our elections to benefit Donald Trump.YOU GUYS... @netflix @Tinder I told you I loved Sense8, Girlboss & Lady Dynamite, but you gave me Bright. Dedicated? It's like you don't even know me. @KayArePea The obvious question, of course, is "How much anal?" @archpics Poor Kellogg... @ditzkoff DO NOT CONGRATULATE NOT CONGRATULATE @heyjaywolff Recovery is a process, Jay!Couldn't we all use an "emotional spotter" when we're working out our feelings?Female characters are more interesting because they're allowed to have a full range of emotions. Did I give the secret away? @saraschaefer1 Reclaim your table space! @Exocism_ @jonmachota Oooh, nice. @jonmachota Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" muthafuckin' Pierce @5280_native @SarahKSilverman There is a 100% chance that it's already happened. @hellolanemoore LANE @MattOswaltVA @pattonoswalt No love for 1970s Jimmy McNichol, as per usual. Sad.Harry (Dean Stanton) & the Hendersons
Retweeted by Non-Disco Agreement Tim JamesBetsy DeVos: It's, it's, it's, it's like, it's, it's like that saying, "I, I, I don't, I, see, I don't, I don't see… Supergroup @LosFelizDaycare C'mon Quesorito... That's a little cheesy. @blondesblessusa When Marlin dies, all the ladies get pregnant whether they want to or not? @AnnaKendrick47 Sorry to hear you're feeling poorly. Here, have some happy... @TheDweck I'm trying to hang in there until I finish my book because those are the only people who will buy it but… @nachosarah Do you ever wonder if getting rid of the word left us unprepared for frank discussions of the candidate? @RebeccaKKatz "Miranda Rides" @infinitesimull Legion was so good I quit watching other superhero shows.Marvel: Avengers Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history. Me: Oh, aye? 👏 people 👏 don't 👏 have 👏 happy 👏 birthdays! 👏I'm taking a break from marijuana, and Jesus, people are just terrible, aren't they? @chelseagsummers Are you willing to consider self-publishing at some point? @PressSec @POTUS Naw, wouldn't want to admit your voting base are terrorists, now would you? @DanaSchwartzzz Because they were all in love with Richard Branson, cha. @MikeDrucker I was going to Indian shops for Bollywood cassettes back then. @josh0624 @eugenegu Yes, your trash-ass hillbilly culture war remains a problem for Americans. @BillBrasky2620 @SNLinReview I think it's complex. Few writers would have the steel to walk away from the dream opp… @SpacemanEd @behindyourback Obviously.My first typewriter didn't have a "1" key. You had to use a lowercase "L." But please, go on about what emoji you don't have... @ProudOvoid @chelseagsummers Shh, just learn.Ego: This song is such trash. Being catchy is not the same thing as being good. Superego: Pull it together asshole,… @SNLinReview Who defines SNL? Is it the cast? Is it Lorne? Is it the network execs? I think you'll find different agendas at every level.Doesn't it seem like there should have been a lengthier legal discussion (that actually involved us) about self-dri…
@ericonederful You've heard of "some white nonsense?" Reince Priebus is an eruptive pantload of white nonsense. @whatrosasaid [Extremely Lenny & Squiggy] Hellooo! @ByYourLogic And the media badgered him until he apologized to Wendy & the ghost of Dave Thomas! Can you imagine th… @stephenfalk It's about damn time the judgment of history kicked in. @evafay I don't want to taint your impression, but hating it IS a valid option. @LoveNLunchmeat Potato/PotatoSince we seem to be doing this today, here are some of my own "interpretive portraits" in an ongoing series I call… how bad your dink would have to be to threaten a $20million lawsuit to keep it under wraps.I think, for America, we're going to need a leaked pic of Obama's junk, just for comparison. I just had an amazing idea. Have you guys ever thought about getting your life together? I bet I'm the fir… wish I had the confidence of Issac Hayes introducing "By The Time I Get To Memphis" for 8-and-a-half minutes ON VINYL. @kentkangley I don't know what that is, but any port in a storm.As long as you're ordering children's books on Amazon today, maybe add Tommy Bean and the Clever Scheme to you shop… love & respect for Jerry Orbach's L&O performances as Lennie Briscoe. He defined an archetype that inspired my… @ddale8 Obviously the solution is more drugs. If everyone was on drugs, there'd be fewer overdoses. What? It works for the NRA. @y_incognito @realDonaldTrump He can't afford to alienate his base.
@koramadrama @the_nikki_g It's the right hill.Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Retweeted by Non-Disco Agreement Tim James @kibblesmith @JenAshleyWright We're allowed to use it among ourselves, my honky cat. @Z_in_Oregon @TheDweck You CAN say anything, but you'd be saying a wrong thing. @Super70sSports @hellolanemoore You can kind of get a sense where people are with their emotional development by getting them to ta…