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Wrote for a magazine, comics, video games & advertising. Now I write books like FART COPS (YA) & TOMMY BEAN and the CLEVER SCHEME (Children's) for you!

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Joined Twitter 3/22/17

If I could get any body modification it would be a lion's throat because some situations call for a fuller-throated roar than I can muster. @anniemlewisva @zandywithaz @jpodhoretz Being conciliatory is how we got here. I'm going to have to decline. @anniemlewisva @zandywithaz @jpodhoretz @RadioFreeTom Nahh.Trump's ego is more fragile than an Atari 2600 joystick. #YABURNT @anniemlewisva @zandywithaz @jpodhoretz Nah. @anniemlewisva @zandywithaz @jpodhoretz Because we're not dealing with normal people. We're dealing with extremists… seems to me that Hammond could have warmed up with a Dodo Park and still reaped a respectable return on his investment.Need a new book for the summer 📖? My friend @hannahorens wrote about a young Jewish woman’s experience as a modern…
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim JamesMe: My love, you are the sun in the sky above and the stability of the earth below. You are the wonder of the stars… sigh... 💗 @Eden_Eats Relatable ContentStages of a Crush 1. Oh, she seems funny. 2. She's pretty smart too, isn't she? 3. I really relate to her... 4. Wow… did they start making attractive writers? This seems deeply unjust. @ginnyhogan_ I've been thinking about that a lot too. Both Schopenhauer and Buddha talked about the way that we ret… @davidaxelrod @PressSec @realDonaldTrump This civil war has been waged for years without the left's participation,… @realDonaldTrump TRAITOR @DanaSchwartzzz Have you gotten to the "lightning-struck tree by an ancient crossroads" yet? You're going to want t… @CarolsCloset @Popehat @benshapiro No, it's not a "chicken or egg" thing. You support racism. You're a racist. That… @EveryChildRead @BuzzFeed 28... @thehill HE AIN'T GONNA CHANGE, GURL.My freshman year in college I acted in this 40 y/o man’s “indie short film” and we shot in his friend’s cabin upsta…
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim JamesMad Scientist: Und now ve vish to mate this bloohound und this chihuahua. Plees oppserf very closely, as this vill… @nytpolitics "Trash Loves Garbage Monster"My oldest memory is from when I was 2. I stuck my finger into a Humpty Dumpty table lamp and electrocuted myself.… @kentkangley AW! See? I was wondering if they could breed a Golden with a Chihuahua, and they CAN.I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim James @limonhed @kibblesmith Metal Gear - Antler Doofus @ColeEscola Greatest hits @valerie_tosi I want a treatment of this on someone's desk because I'm in no position to help you beyond buying a ticket. #encouragement
red, robbin' *(These people should be tar)red, robbin' (babies from their mamas like that) #Restaurants4SarahCracka Barrel #Restaurants4Sarah @ginnyhogan_ You can just SAY you don't want to do the Time of Your Life dance, Ginny. It was just a thought!Name your 2 favorite dog breeds Image search them plus "mix" Enjoy! This has been your Mental Health Moment @raesanni Speaking my truth. @JBDavis2 How are you 12 and 93 at the same time?The internet allowed America's fringe-dwellers to amplify their voices outside of the caves & hollars. They are ab…"We don't serve your kind here" is Conservative Culture 101 So y'all fuck right off now, ya hear?"Oh sure, NOW he thinks changing words to something that sounds similar is funny." - Al YANKOVIC'S childhood bully @sullydish Walls are the epitome of tribalism you self-deluding shit-stain."Prioritizing self-care" does NOT mean masturbating all day. You're gonna wear your junk out that way. @NetflixIsAJoke @Hannahgadsby This is an extraordinary special. @pattymo The ONLY protected class.Before you try to force the shoe onto the other foot, you should first be certain that the other foot isn't a racist piece of shit. @DanaSchwartzzz 100? I thought it was 5. I am so effing doomed.The Not Down With The Brown Derby #Restaurants4SarahKFC (Klan's Feckless C) #Restaurants4SarahBurger Fuhrer #restaurants4sarahI tried to find 50s cartoonist Bob Miller -- if that is indeed his real name. Investigative blogging or wild specul… @nprscottsimon No you don't. @BillKristol They've made it abundantly clear that they are at war with the very concept of decency. @adriendb @alicegoldfuss You behaved as precisely the kind of derailing, behavior-policing douchebag in the anecdot… @elizaskinner Merrill MarkoeLife is like an international food fair of emotional flavors, yet we still have these simple MFers who consume noth… @ShaunKing
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim James @paulfeig They can't stand themselves either. @adriendb @alicegoldfuss Read the room, dickwipe.I feel confident most of the time, except when I do anything at all the time
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim JamesThe main problem with owning white furniture is having to deal coke in the 1980s
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim JamesThe past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. Bartender: What will it have been?
Retweeted by People Magazine's Sheckiest Man Alive, Tim JamesNick Colasanto's portrayal of Coach on Cheers is simply one of the most transcendent performances in television his… @Twitter @TwitterSupport @jack This is ridiculous. Just verify me. I'm trying to do business here. @lindsaygoldwert Is this something you do just for your own amusement? @AllieGoertz They're the same flavor if you play your cards right. @MariyaAlexander My guess answer was "Triumph at a cost." The real answer is closer to a reward or earned victory. @d_haggar I don't, but I'm down. @joemcadam The gorilla had more humanity. @elizaskinner Do you ever read ebooks? @USMC This is not a selfie.I can tell I've really matured. Instead of looking for someone to fix me, I'm looking for someone I can strip for parts to fix myself. @pattonoswalt Self-satisfaction and stale jizz. @zandywithaz NACEL? @zandywithaz I used to love that hairstyle on 2/3 of my female friends! @zandywithaz When did you go (or is that the kind of question one doesn't ask)? I went in 84.#JoeJackson #BoKnowsJoes
@TopherSpiro It's not just a "tax cut." It's a poison pill for the nation. @zandywithaz Some of us LIKE "too much."Treat yourself! #books #SummerReads #YABooks #humor #comedy"Conservative Comedian" = "I make faces while reciting racist stereotypes as if they were true" @aparnapkin I have examined this particular phenomenon from all available perspectives.