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Wrote for a magazine, comics, video games & advertising. Now I write books like FART COPS (YA) & TOMMY BEAN and the CLEVER SCHEME (Children's) for you!

400 Following   214 Followers   10,328 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/22/17

Well, Mick Mulvaney is a putrid sack of Evil, so he meets the basic qualifications of THIS administration. @zandywithaz "The balloon is a nice touch but he's going to need to design a rocket system to get any further up his own ass."I hate to change time-honored holiday memories but I just came across this. I can't unsee it now neither can you.
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @emlyncrenshaw Dogs don't usually sleep on their backs either, but Snoopy does when he's on top of the house (which… @PubPolHist @ditzkoff The production costs are significantly different. @kanyewest Now, Kanye... when he said he was going to "kick your ass in a spelling bee" he was using a thing we cal…
@TheDweck It's hard to draw that fast! @lindsaygoldwert It's not okay! @jaclyn_sup You can get a kitty ears & nose set for less than a tube of Sephora concealer. @realDonaldTrump @AdamSerwer I was able to extrapolate it from their behavior in the 80s. It's been a slow-motion murder to watch in real-time.I had a police officer stationed in my high school. At one point he got a warrant to investigate me for a stolen ca…
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @LarsLarsonShow @GregoryMcKelvey For those unfamiliar with Portland politics, Lars is a well known fascist.Depressing when ur over ur ex but u have no new crushes so ur forced to stalk like idk...ur siblings? Ugh
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer
@thehill She's clearly been bored with it for years. @ThePunisher You should change your avatar. I thought I was about to read a racist tweet. @nublarfan @seewhatsnext Maybe it's not for you? @pattonoswalt Oh we're gonna take to the streets, buddy... @TroNorth Pettiness? Mean-girlism? @ohJuliatweets Political welfare for people who did this to themselves. @heysarahsweeney Plus however long it takes to clean up their mess.
Sheep farmer Regular and "aged" in rm when Pelosi described Oval mtg to colleagues said she crowed about Dems having gotten him to “fully own”…
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @atrupar @SteveKingIA Did it by any chance say "You can't spell 'Steve King is a stupid, racist, f*ck-nut lunatic' without 'Steve King?'" @HankTroutWriter @ginnyhogan_ You obviously have no clue what goes into building a simple joke like this.I just had to... #SmockingGun
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stufferthe caption or repost doesn't matter im just so happy to stumble across this video every few months.
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking StufferHelp! the cops seized t̵ h̶ e̷ ̴ Ç̶̦̯̥̃͑̽̀͠ Ő̴̘̜͍̜͉̩̳̊̾͗͒̔͛̽̇̉̚ P̵̨͈̺̋͛̏̑̓̈͆̾͊́̇̎͜ S̶̡̡̮̯͔̹̳͇͎̭͙̠̹̻̞̗̺̆͂̋̈̓́͜͠͠
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @RENAHUNDERT (I aaaaaaaam!) @behindyourback I have no such restraint. @kennykeil Something about your analogy just isn't Wright...................... @Eden_Eats Gurl, you make me wanna be the best boy.They may as well have Meryl host @TheAcademy Awards. She's gonna be sitting RIGHT THERE. @Super70sSports And that child grew up to be Cable. @realDonaldTrump Loser.
Michael Jackson's "Bad" is built on James Brown's "Rapp Payback." Thank you and good day.England had so many dudes named "Edward" that they just started calling some of them "Ned." "Ned" is short for "Another Edward."You can tell I don't have a foot fetish because I still struggle to draw feet. @mashable Your opinions are bad and you should feel bad.Donald Trump gained his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive shitpost. @Silly_Ninny Speaking my truth.
@BostonGlobe He enabled an insane traitor. Call it what it is. @ohhelloshow Oh Hello Yes! @efoxington Would he wear a Punic tunic? @Honeythorn @realDonaldTrump With permission. I made it for the People.Uh oh... my life is about to get "interesting," isn't it? @realDonaldTrump
"President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez" #SeduceMeIn4Words"Order up for 'Tim!'" #SeduceMeIn4Words @shomaristone @washexaminer It's going to be SO easy to decide who not to hire in 20 years. @NBCNews You're bad at your job and you should stop.Wild how many opinions my timeline has about Jason Momoa, as I have none.I was unable to attend an Ivy League college because I'm lacrosse intolerant.Individualism isn't what it used to be. #Individual1 @JasonAdamK Dude... you said "anus." @MrWilliamHaynes Only always. @MeredthSalenger @pattonoswalt @TheAcademy AND he was amazing in Big Fan, so he has creative credibility. @hellolanemoore I am in no way convinced that any of my Amazon reviewers have actually read my book -- even the 5 stars. @DanaSchwartzzz It's a genuine relief when you find out you had perfectly good reasons for disliking someone all along.Your yearly reminder that Baby It’s Cold Outside is actually a song about a woman who wants to stay and bang her bo…
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @SNLinReview Mulaney/Kroll are a proven team or a music-heavy Samberg/Rudoph joint backed by Lonely Island. @VolpapDave @SNLinReview You can spell your name wrong all you want but we still know it's you, Horatio! @chrissyteigen Ellen did it and it was not good. @ShaneMBailey A thousand times yes.I used to wonder how the press kept FDR's wheelchair a secret, until I saw the way that they won't even mention Trump's girdle.I'm more offended that Kevin Hart isn't funny.
Informing someone that "Wonderful Christmastime" is a Christ-awful abortion of a song is the adult version of tell… speaking, can one really be a "Tariff Man" is one fails most qualifying metrics for being a man?Being a mall santa is probably the best way to get your picture hung on strangers' fridges for a few years
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @zandywithaz #HERO @DrJillStein It's time to step back and support real progressive leaders, Jill. You've squandered your good will a… you're lecturing anyone about priorities in politics or others' personal lives, but your tweets are more than 50% sports related... No. @benjammin8322 @kenzjillian @ColeEscola Reading Is Fundamental.Dan Quayle: Rotten spelling of "potato." Donald Trump: Rotten smelling potato. @RashidaTlaib I have waited so long to see this kind of real leadership. Slay them dragons. @bennettleigh Confuse the hell out of middle America with "The Liberal Elite TV Writer Who Saved Christmas!" @behindyourback That's what the week between Christmas & New Years is for! Leftover baked goods, enjoying your new… @mondomascots Has any other mascot employed forced perspective to such a great extent? @dudekiller I can't help reading this in the voice of an old Jewish man. "Why not? [shrug] Who am I to judge?" @Manda_like_wine 🏅Relatable ContentWhy is staying up late treated as a sin, but getting up early is treated as a virtue? You're losing sleep on either…'s wrong with you? Don't you like to laugh? Read my book! @jilltwiss You staked that tweet out like a mob accountant's office, just waiting for it to hit 69, didn't you? @LoveNLunchmeat "Girl gets Boy"
@DouthatNYT You know how you're just going through life thinking you're not a shitty person? You can stop that now.… @archpng "Good news everybody! Our building is done so we're moving in today. Awesome people, you're up top. Shitty… @anylaurie16 @piersmorgan Piers never tires of the loudest possible self-owns. @Nicole_Cliffe And that's why Lord Dawson went on to host Family Feud. @DanaSchwartzzz It's short for "The Killer" because teenage girls fucking LOVE Jerry Lee Lewis... or something.Now, I'm not a fan of biopics, and musical ones even less than most, but I will be there opening night for the film… @perlapell He hates having to wear the girdle.This isn’t my normal content but I had to make a Thread on why FOESTA/SESTA is about to fuck up everyone’s world. Y…
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @MrGeorgeWallace Hang in there George. Kevin may still blab his way out of a gig. @apiecebyguy I've set this fight to Duel of the Fates from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
Retweeted by Tim James, The Perfect Stocking Stuffer @AriFleischer This is actually much less stupid than most of your policy tweets. @goddammitsarah @onathanats She goes on dates with her guns. She dresses up for them and takes flirty pics around c… @JustinGiroux83 @RudyGiuliani Better make it 8pm. Rudy needs a solid 16 hours of sleep or he might say something stupid tomorrow. @RudyGiuliani Take your pill, grandpa. @heysarahsweeney Safeway meat department @NBCNews