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Itinerant internet wordsmith in places like @Decider, @SBNation and formerly https://t.co/QVsgWsCxI5. Suburban dog tender. 👇Subscribe to my newsletter.

423 Following   18,073 Followers   68,134 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/20/09


@offtackleempire Oooh that’s a good challenge @ArnoldcommaJon Thank you! @FartSandwich Thanks for joining! @FartSandwich Ah! I recognize that now! @SmithBrianA I may hold you to this @SmithBrianA also this is entirely too kind a description, thank you @SmithBrianA well those things definitely help, yes @thesarahkelly They’re recording it for later viewing, I believe! @notverykfar I definitely have a distinct character voice for HollyThis is today! Sign up! Hear me talk about launching a newsletter and building an email list! https://t.co/PjNUIy3Xsf @TribeofBadgers @HollyAnderson hey now this looks way more cohesive than my stuff
5/26
2020
@ChrisCJackson did he specify a year? checkmate libs @petegaines @hammel11 @jprice1322 I’m pretty sure they emptied that Taco Bell dumpster by now @hammel11 RIP OHB. Eaten by wolves. He tasted awful. @alex_kirshner I’ve seen it on TV before (Bourdain, maybe?) but seeing this one has me very intrigued to try @jjguthrie That looks great! @alex_kirshner [slides up chair] tell me more @onetakedizzle I scream, you scream our dreams haunted by bean screams @Adam_J_Tweets (they’re haricot verts, you see) @Adam_J_Tweets METTRE FIN À NOTRE AGONIE AVEC CITRON ET SELYOU: eating vegetarian is ethical ME: these beans are screaming https://t.co/BnIIWOeAGwhttps://t.co/hYPObDtdK8bet this dude has some great ideas about how to improve on the flavor of Soylent Red https://t.co/RAIlvxfmEc @inthefade why did this person use really appetizing pictures to make their argument. that shit looks great @thesarahkelly aw, thank you! (And you should!) @litescript I can retire now[eyes go completely black] N I C E https://t.co/2eCRqvL37C @EleanorThomas17 Thank you so much! @IAmDougHildreth There is a whole lot of livin’ happening in this photo. @EleanorThomas17 Oh yes, thank you! I volunteer on the board of Personal Counseling Services, a mental health nonpr… https://t.co/KJFZCMuwGB @Doctor1Hundred I forgot how much I love it. I knew, but I didn’t. @LindsayAdaire Large, and it was perfect. She actually loves wearing it @thefarmerjones If I were any more capable at video editing / TikTok I would’ve tried @jamesleslielaw They call that combo “the Widowmaker”I wanted to get a better goal than this but she popped the ball right after, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯Celebrating https://t.co/69ujlICCfgGOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLL https://t.co/XVOqXdwcLDShe’s ready https://t.co/6MJiHb3S1Y @tschubauer Thank you! @hahnn12 Ah, that would make a lot of sense — it was under some trees that drop a lot of branches @tholzerman oh no worries, you’re far from the only one and I knew what I was getting into https://t.co/SK8GydtFs5when you post a genuine question with over 10k followers, you know going in that the dozens of joke answers are the… https://t.co/0rPLtwuwLXCan anyone tell me what this “fossil” my kids found in the yard actually is? Ridged/split like a shell, but pretty… https://t.co/MFl2ZiDaUH @teamziller The one Pixar movie I haven’t seen. Terrified to. @kylerrobbins my kids caught me watching this and I had to play it for them 4x with sound on @BecksWelker - the best prevention is a positive outlook - if you must lick the weights, re-rack them after - the… https://t.co/mTqADAb7UT @inthefade That’s awesome! @inthefade Thank you!If you haven't already, I hope you'll consider subscribing! One newsletter a week remains free to all, but now at l… https://t.co/4SS5LW7esUNew Action Cookbook Newsletter! In my first subscriber-only post, I encounter an old picture of myself and consid… https://t.co/rwGDP5FEVf @alyssakeiko it is driving me nuts how much praise Cuomo is getting for doing a terrible job after a long career of being a terrible guy @taddmike bout to get older this week, even @MrMatthewGeorge my brother did that with a Leatherman one Christmas. Bled on Grandma’s carpet in front of the whole extended family. @MrMatthewGeorge and it *did* hurt @MattBerry05 by the dog or the neighborI was 9 but I left that out of the first tweet because I don’t want to imply that it couldn’t happen to me at 37.put a pair of scissors halfway through my hand opening a Slim Jim https://t.co/plY8gVqiCH @benjgc Looks great! @ChrisCJackson mad that schools aren’t open on Memorial Day weekend @SHPawdcast Oh hell yes (thank you!) @NikolaiDenmark Right? There’s no reason to be cavalier about shit, and surely some people are, but in my limited f… https://t.co/2Wahz5ieBF
5/25
2020
@cuppycup picnic pie looking at you like https://t.co/aVWVPNEPHnmy most enduring contribution to the culinary canon, however, remains the Kentuckiana Hot Loin… https://t.co/pRtslh0GbI @jordraph That’s awesome — it looks great!I am as worried about a resurgence as anyone but we have gotta stop doing these telephoto shots of crowded places.… https://t.co/UPPmn2AOc1she doesn’t look a day over 60 https://t.co/S9bU8wKi8C @sadowskiedward Ooooooooooh @hpatt15 @tpatt356 this looks awesome!The cheeseburger picnic pie is catching on! https://t.co/Ao4caq6nam https://t.co/yWGcGLYhON @hpatt15 @ChrisHHowell @tpatt356 yessss I can’t wait to see how it turns out @RevDJEsq I’ll check it out, thank you! @RevDJEsq Ooh. I’ve got Brie on hand.he’s rollin’ out https://t.co/XCO2WO33Km @RevDJEsq How’d you like the Jezebel sauce? @ThatBoysGood John Schnatter @rexparker “good luck with this, I guess”just reflecting on how weird it would’ve been four months ago for the person handing me a Domino’s pizza to tell me… https://t.co/TWDUxpa3fp @petegaines I got blocked the day he announced his campaign and I asked him if Luke Fickell was gonna have to clean up his mess there toome at the end of the 2016 college football seasonthis is a new record for “most consecutive words I have agreed with Jeff Sessions on”, likely to never be broken https://t.co/QjOKNsHOEa @lt_winslow this is a record for “most consecutive words I have agreed with Jeff Sessions on” https://t.co/rHS2bICiwD
5/24
2020
@NikolaiDenmark @senorblanxo we talkin bold burger ideas? @a_trout Tripled in size![extremely Eve 6 voice] shit went bad he’s on the roof again https://t.co/aE5cXzUQUwhm. wind came on quickly. https://t.co/QuOIUbNjWN @GriffinMang They were a little soggy but mostly held up @andymoleski Hmm. It’s basically just a pie crust, so if you could find a frozen/not pre-baked pie crust that would workYOU: [filling a dripping pillowcase full of collapsing wet burgers] I want to make burgers at home and then enjoy t… https://t.co/lwMBRSzA9p @AceAnbender I must have it @BrianMFloyd https://t.co/Bl0yrH4pHq @newmo99 https://t.co/OzU5aeR4zU @MattBerry05 I mean it’s not like everyone’s out at the bar @Bry_Mac https://t.co/lSbLb7RUJs @valleyshook every time https://t.co/nxWEY7OKQg https://t.co/70gJjI8TPSthe frequency of this pandemic has now reached 1 kHz https://t.co/HbPo3vWnBn @Bill_in_Akron You really do. This is your destiny.IT BEGINS https://t.co/Ttvcsjtkbh https://t.co/xSLFHLywqO @LangerzGrinds That’s awesome!
5/23
2020
@HomefieldApparl @AlexMcDaniel @38Godfrey since you’re already licensed for Purdue could you also make ones with th… https://t.co/MXHuAsJMX8 @sideoutpar ahh yes, this will work perfectly.
5/22
2020

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