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Itinerant internet wordsmith in places like @Decider, @SBNation and formerly Suburban dog tender. 👇Subscribe to my newsletter.

423 Following   18,073 Followers   68,134 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/20/09

@offtackleempire Oooh that’s a good challenge @ArnoldcommaJon Thank you! @FartSandwich Thanks for joining! @FartSandwich Ah! I recognize that now! @SmithBrianA I may hold you to this @SmithBrianA also this is entirely too kind a description, thank you @SmithBrianA well those things definitely help, yes @thesarahkelly They’re recording it for later viewing, I believe! @notverykfar I definitely have a distinct character voice for HollyThis is today! Sign up! Hear me talk about launching a newsletter and building an email list! @TribeofBadgers @HollyAnderson hey now this looks way more cohesive than my stuff
@ChrisCJackson did he specify a year? checkmate libs @petegaines @hammel11 @jprice1322 I’m pretty sure they emptied that Taco Bell dumpster by now @hammel11 RIP OHB. Eaten by wolves. He tasted awful. @alex_kirshner I’ve seen it on TV before (Bourdain, maybe?) but seeing this one has me very intrigued to try @jjguthrie That looks great! @alex_kirshner [slides up chair] tell me more @onetakedizzle I scream, you scream our dreams haunted by bean screams @Adam_J_Tweets (they’re haricot verts, you see) @Adam_J_Tweets METTRE FIN À NOTRE AGONIE AVEC CITRON ET SELYOU: eating vegetarian is ethical ME: these beans are screaming this dude has some great ideas about how to improve on the flavor of Soylent Red @inthefade why did this person use really appetizing pictures to make their argument. that shit looks great @thesarahkelly aw, thank you! (And you should!) @litescript I can retire now[eyes go completely black] N I C E @EleanorThomas17 Thank you so much! @IAmDougHildreth There is a whole lot of livin’ happening in this photo. @EleanorThomas17 Oh yes, thank you! I volunteer on the board of Personal Counseling Services, a mental health nonpr… @Doctor1Hundred I forgot how much I love it. I knew, but I didn’t. @LindsayAdaire Large, and it was perfect. She actually loves wearing it @thefarmerjones If I were any more capable at video editing / TikTok I would’ve tried @jamesleslielaw They call that combo “the Widowmaker”I wanted to get a better goal than this but she popped the ball right after, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯Celebrating’s ready @tschubauer Thank you! @hahnn12 Ah, that would make a lot of sense — it was under some trees that drop a lot of branches @tholzerman oh no worries, you’re far from the only one and I knew what I was getting into you post a genuine question with over 10k followers, you know going in that the dozens of joke answers are the… anyone tell me what this “fossil” my kids found in the yard actually is? Ridged/split like a shell, but pretty… @teamziller The one Pixar movie I haven’t seen. Terrified to. @kylerrobbins my kids caught me watching this and I had to play it for them 4x with sound on @BecksWelker - the best prevention is a positive outlook - if you must lick the weights, re-rack them after - the… @inthefade That’s awesome! @inthefade Thank you!If you haven't already, I hope you'll consider subscribing! One newsletter a week remains free to all, but now at l… Action Cookbook Newsletter! In my first subscriber-only post, I encounter an old picture of myself and consid… @alyssakeiko it is driving me nuts how much praise Cuomo is getting for doing a terrible job after a long career of being a terrible guy @taddmike bout to get older this week, even @MrMatthewGeorge my brother did that with a Leatherman one Christmas. Bled on Grandma’s carpet in front of the whole extended family. @MrMatthewGeorge and it *did* hurt @MattBerry05 by the dog or the neighborI was 9 but I left that out of the first tweet because I don’t want to imply that it couldn’t happen to me at 37.put a pair of scissors halfway through my hand opening a Slim Jim @benjgc Looks great! @ChrisCJackson mad that schools aren’t open on Memorial Day weekend @SHPawdcast Oh hell yes (thank you!) @NikolaiDenmark Right? There’s no reason to be cavalier about shit, and surely some people are, but in my limited f…
@cuppycup picnic pie looking at you like most enduring contribution to the culinary canon, however, remains the Kentuckiana Hot Loin… @jordraph That’s awesome — it looks great!I am as worried about a resurgence as anyone but we have gotta stop doing these telephoto shots of crowded places.… doesn’t look a day over 60 @sadowskiedward Ooooooooooh @hpatt15 @tpatt356 this looks awesome!The cheeseburger picnic pie is catching on! @hpatt15 @ChrisHHowell @tpatt356 yessss I can’t wait to see how it turns out @RevDJEsq I’ll check it out, thank you! @RevDJEsq Ooh. I’ve got Brie on hand.he’s rollin’ out @RevDJEsq How’d you like the Jezebel sauce? @ThatBoysGood John Schnatter @rexparker “good luck with this, I guess”just reflecting on how weird it would’ve been four months ago for the person handing me a Domino’s pizza to tell me… @petegaines I got blocked the day he announced his campaign and I asked him if Luke Fickell was gonna have to clean up his mess there toome at the end of the 2016 college football seasonthis is a new record for “most consecutive words I have agreed with Jeff Sessions on”, likely to never be broken @lt_winslow this is a record for “most consecutive words I have agreed with Jeff Sessions on”
@NikolaiDenmark @senorblanxo we talkin bold burger ideas? @a_trout Tripled in size![extremely Eve 6 voice] shit went bad he’s on the roof again wind came on quickly. @GriffinMang They were a little soggy but mostly held up @andymoleski Hmm. It’s basically just a pie crust, so if you could find a frozen/not pre-baked pie crust that would workYOU: [filling a dripping pillowcase full of collapsing wet burgers] I want to make burgers at home and then enjoy t… @AceAnbender I must have it @BrianMFloyd @newmo99 @MattBerry05 I mean it’s not like everyone’s out at the bar @Bry_Mac @valleyshook every time frequency of this pandemic has now reached 1 kHz @Bill_in_Akron You really do. This is your destiny.IT BEGINS @LangerzGrinds That’s awesome!
@HomefieldApparl @AlexMcDaniel @38Godfrey since you’re already licensed for Purdue could you also make ones with th… @sideoutpar ahh yes, this will work perfectly.