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Adam @adamgreattweet Georgia, USA

Med student aspiring to make people laugh, as seen on Buzzfeed and RTd by Barack Obama. Great with & allergic to dogs. He/Him

2,558 Following   13,501 Followers   106,129 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/28/19


@GroovyTasia Why yes of courseThis is your reminder to drink water https://t.co/MC3O80UI5cI figured out what the monolith does!
Retweeted by AdamI hate when my stomach is hungry but my mouth isn’t.
Retweeted by AdamMe: Bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread bread br… https://t.co/LkD5nPGRHL
Retweeted by Adam[publishers office] editor: what do you have planned for your next novel me: it's about a guy who has to fight a… https://t.co/BvA1XJav5T
Retweeted by AdamIs the reason we get a tetanus shot every 10 years due to the fact that’s how long it takes your arm to freaking feel better?!
Retweeted by Adamguys will post “nobody cares about your spotify wrapped” and then look through all of their exes top songs
Retweeted by Adamdudes will be like “nobody cares about your spotify wrapped” and then post a map of their running route
Retweeted by AdamI got hearing aids today and almost immediately learned that my cropdusting probably hasn’t been as stealthy as I thought
Retweeted by Adamcatapults be like 𝐘𝖊𝖊𝖙
Retweeted by AdamAs a person who is extremely afraid of Ghosts, i was quite pleased with how the movie Ghostbusters turned out
Retweeted by AdamSomewhere in the world right now, Christmas is in trouble and some quick-witted kids are working with Santa to save it.
Retweeted by AdamRepublicans must be so proud, every day Trump sets a new record for the DOW* * Deaths On his Watch
Retweeted by AdamWhat Ripley failed to realize was that Xenomorphs are very proud creatures. When one presents its inner jaw to you,… https://t.co/Ur4zUGn5fR
Retweeted by AdamPresident Nixon had his speech writers prepare a speech for a successful moon landing by Apollo 11, a speech in cas… https://t.co/sWsv8xA8Wj
Retweeted by Adamwork in december: "we know the holidays are a difficult time of year" also work: *make the holidays a difficult time of year*
Retweeted by AdamDriver at a stoplight was mocking me wearing a mask while driving my car. My sweet 87 year old grandma in my backse… https://t.co/gMwU82t6yp
Retweeted by Adamher: aww... your cheeks are so rosy me: ok... one more spank and that's it
Retweeted by Adamme-pays for netflix, disney plus, hbo max, amazon prime, noggin, hulu my kid-watches youtube
Retweeted by Adam"Wi-Fi" is short for "your Wife is about to Find out what you've been looking at."
Retweeted by Adamtired of being ghosted by men. ready to be ghosted by victorian women whose souls are eternally angry at men and ar… https://t.co/8dMYfHLv0f
Retweeted by AdamThrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books. Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters… https://t.co/FXwyWmp4fc
Retweeted by AdamSome day when we meet aliens I hope they will share the secrets of the universe, like how to store tupperware so yo… https://t.co/Fe4vNwza0p
Retweeted by Adamhttps://t.co/KsvczsZmcI
Retweeted by AdamA few days ago I saw a story about a hair salon named Scissor Sisters and I can’t stop thinking about it
Retweeted by Adam[Being murdered] Me: Thanks for getting me out of online teaching.
Retweeted by AdamMe [leaning over, talking out the side of my mouth]: Act natural. Exhibits In The Natural History Museum:
Retweeted by AdamMe: How’s school, what’s your favorite work? 4yo: My favorite work is nuffing Me: That’s my girl!
Retweeted by Adamdoctor: you need to get more sleep me: what happens if i don’t? doctor: here’s a list of conditions you may devel… https://t.co/xVAM9ShZiZ
Retweeted by Adamthis guy took a giant billboard ad out to wish his dog a happy birthday and Butters looks like he deserves it https://t.co/htO2iRN8DV
Retweeted by Adamever been on a conference call and you take a sip of your drink just as someone calls you out and asks a question J… https://t.co/yKJeUQfvb4
Retweeted by AdamPeople say babies are expensive, but my baby has never, not even once, wanted a $50 pair of sweatpants.
Retweeted by AdamMight I suggest the Foxtrotsky? Be sure to hit your Marx and watch your Engels. https://t.co/pjOrNyUgKd
Retweeted by AdamMonoliths are just fleets in physical form.
Retweeted by Adamsome of ya'll will date men who don't wash their ass but draw the line if his name starts with a certain letter
Retweeted by AdamWhen are we gonna see a Green Giant vs Santa Jolly Off event?
Retweeted by AdamAn app that's like Pokémon GO, but monoliths
Retweeted by AdamThe opposite of onion is offyouoff. I hope this joke is so bad it hurts
Retweeted by Adamhttps://t.co/yhEWlCU30f
Retweeted by Adamdoes anyone know if we're allowed to use the study guide on the covid test?
Retweeted by Adamjust run in a zig zag 😅 https://t.co/CGoWnTzgIv
Retweeted by Adamkinda crazy how there's nothing stopping us from finding a random address online and mailing them a sphere of used jasmine rice
Retweeted by AdamA Fitbit is just a watch with extra steps.
Retweeted by Adam[at a football game] my kid: can i get a giant foam finger me: no my kid: why not me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Retweeted by AdamI'm seeing such a diverse selection of artists as everyone shares their Spotify 2020 Wrapped lists; it appears Amer… https://t.co/WOLlrqLK5q
Retweeted by AdamIf aliens suddenly landed now we'd have to be like omg please excuse the mess
Retweeted by Adam*picks up cup expecting it to be full* [cup is empty] *inadvertently throws cup to alternative universe*
Retweeted by Adamme: *angrily* you’ve made a grave mistake, mister. mortician: first of all, i’ve got nothing to do with those
Retweeted by AdamHan Solo misuses the word "parsec" in "Star Wars: A New Hope" as a unit of time, when actually it's a richness scale for chocolate.
Retweeted by Adamtherapist: what’s your greatest fear? me: th-that no one will vibe with me therapist: [nodding] that they won’t k… https://t.co/HbTTtQl5eX
Retweeted by AdamMet with dissertation chair today. He said “I don’t see any reason we won’t have a Dr. HugandKiss in 5 months.”
Retweeted by AdamAnyone who doesn’t see parallels between puppies and toddlers is delusional; anyone who doesn’t like the comparison is humorless
Retweeted by AdamRTing yourself is such a weird concept. it's like saying something funny at a party, then saying it again slightly… https://t.co/raUueGNCJS
Retweeted by Adam*meeting aliens* 5yo me: [runs away screaming] 36yo me: tell me more about this abduction and anal probing
Retweeted by Adam“i slept like a baby” oh cool you woke up 14 times crying too?
Retweeted by AdamJust waiting on a celeb to stand up and support us cat women golly gosh darn it
Retweeted by Adamhttps://t.co/0elciNeZGO
Retweeted by Adamthe best part of being multilingual is how it messes with Twitter’s ads. i liked a few of tweets from Nintendo Fran… https://t.co/bfGQTlFfTN
Retweeted by AdamAlien Husband: huh? Alien Wife: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU NOT MONOLITHENING TO ME
Retweeted by Adamhttps://t.co/47mvXt988u
Retweeted by Adamhell yeah i’ve got serotonin: s - e - r - o - t - o - n - i - n - nothing left
Retweeted by AdamI’ll walk right into another dads house and change the thermostat idgaf
Retweeted by AdamZoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Retweeted by AdamA podcast of white guys reviewing wines, call it Pinot Gringo
Retweeted by Adamthere is nothing legally nor physically stopping me from naming my future child MONØLYTH-87
Retweeted by Adam🎶 O holy shit, it’s almost fuckin Christmas 🎵
Retweeted by AdamYou can walk all over me, but keep in mind I'm liable to pull the mat out from under you at any time
Retweeted by Adam*decides to record every interesting thing I'd ever achieved* December 3rd 2020: I decided to record every interes… https://t.co/do8stNm1bw
Retweeted by Adam[first date] Me: So what do you do? Her: I’m a librarian. Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Retweeted by AdamJust a suggestion to the courts, can we add “She bought yet another house plant when we already have 100” as the re… https://t.co/EA0ubS6O9l
Retweeted by Adamdoctor: sir, we needed a sperm sample, not a blood sample. me: that is sperm. doctor:
Retweeted by Adam @memetazaa susso santa can make anything in his factory no matter how magical but won't make covid vaccines for everyone?🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐
Retweeted by AdamYou can find me in the club* bottle full of bubb** * Whole Foods **Topo Chico with Lime
Retweeted by Adam*4am, not a sound* No one: My son: Excuse me sir, would you have time to discuss our pawed and saviours, the Paw Patrol?
Retweeted by Adam*gets 3 orders of fries to-go. 1 for the spouse, 1 for me, and 1 to eat on the way home* *eats all 3*
Retweeted by Adamwhat guys ACTUALLY want in a woman: -loves to travel -born in utah -3.4 meters tall -stainless steel
Retweeted by Adamif he cheats on you, do not cry, do not scream. just put some numbing cream in the hand lotion next to his bed and leave with dignity
Retweeted by AdamHoly shit guys the kids have been upstairs playing nicely for almost 6 minutes
Retweeted by AdamAn Italian guy with a lisp just wanted directions to see the Mona Lisa but ended up in Utah :-(
Retweeted by Adamkingpin: *stabs bag of meth with knife and tastes it* supplier: …and? kingpin: i’m sorry i never know what i’m tast… https://t.co/ia7QFp3cgW
Retweeted by AdamTwitter is great because you can compose a wonderful, heartfelt elegy about your recently deceased Grandmother and… https://t.co/mqPUpACUkL
Retweeted by AdamNo YOU’RE mentally unstable because your uterine lining is shedding itself and causing hormone imbalances
Retweeted by Adamhttps://t.co/ZMINbqP92U
Retweeted by AdamI feel slight fear and unease mixed with sparkles of nervous joy and inquietude, and either I’m really into you or… https://t.co/DAAd4Eh0fV
Retweeted by Adamfall out boy: i am an arms dealer fitting you with weapons in the form of words me: ok but I could really use some bazookas
Retweeted by AdamDon't sell real estate to that trash can-looking robot from Star Wars without a good attorney. He's hard to deed to.
Retweeted by AdamI am a good person, I have mastered the art of personing
Retweeted by AdamWe apologize if our experimental chimichanga fryer caused a stir out in the desert.
Retweeted by Adammen be like “nobody cares about your Spotify wrapped” and then post their opinions
Retweeted by AdamWhen the aliens ask me to take them to my leader, I'm just going to take them straight to that clown in the sewers.
Retweeted by AdamThis is my body, and this is my blood, and this is hnngh my hand sanitizer
Retweeted by AdamNo one: Your cat: How can I make this about me
Retweeted by Adamfroback thursday! send 1-2 funny bones ends today dec 3 at 10pm central https://t.co/z9xUsSwLmPhttps://t.co/64Sd9ltL5r
Retweeted by Adami do not go outside for fear that a bus full of schoolchildren will drive past and laugh at my meaty ham hock thighs
Retweeted by AdamI get paranoid by the prolonged silence in navigation, GPS should come with anti-anxiety add-ons- a free Xanax and… https://t.co/AcOpi5TePA
Retweeted by Adamwhy would she do this https://t.co/mxNsbx8z6h
Retweeted by Adam"I'll have one Fruitopia, please" https://t.co/KN6vT4w9ZF
Retweeted by Adam[on the phone] santa, in agony: help... flue... mrs. claus: honey. you fly every xmas eve. santa: no... th- the… https://t.co/2HstrAacCd
Retweeted by Adam
12/4
2020

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