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ADHDeanBLM @ADHDeanASL Alabama The Beautiful

Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Somewhat lifelike. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. All teeth are my own.

4,017 Following   8,459 Followers   108,186 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/18/09

@patrickfcox_cox Nope. She’s vetted up and has a clean bill of health after a rough start. @NaomiSeu She’s awesome.We have established: 1. She is a SO GOOD BABY 2. She is THE PRETTIEST BABY 3. Her farts could KILL A RHINO*Eats the last leftover turkey leg. *Notices an inscription on the bone. *Looks closer and reads it ... "We've b…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI've watched enough Dexter to know if he's lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMmy four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI don’t trust extra large eggs.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMHer: Do you have any kinks? Me: One or two but I prefer Ray Davies' solo albums.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMthe first day you leave all the toys in the tub to shower is the day you become a level 2 parent
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @nkbramer @charlesbethea @joncoopertweets Kemp has no shame. His 2018 win was suspect as hell. What we’re seeing he… don’t I ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM🎵And Iiiiiiiii will always love Groguuuuuuuuuuuuu 🎵
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @drdavidsamadi Psst... ever heard of Easter? host: may i show you to the table me: sure the table: no thanks
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMapplebee's is a one-generation restaurant. the same people have been going since they were 15 and will continue to…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMCan’t. Too busy scrolling Facebook and losing my faith in humanity. You know, my usual Sunday afternoon
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @mbmarbon But what’s important is whether you can smell itThe Utah monolith is here. She’s come a long way, she’s extremely upset, and she’d like to talk to someone about the Game of Thrones finale.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMChristmas yard inflatables everywhere. 😡 I have loaded my HOA quiver.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThe human cannonball guy is injured. I will be hard of find a replacement of his caliber.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI put that metal thing in the desert. Don't tell anyone
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMNo one has more confidence than a 13 yr old, out-going girl. The playground girl is currently challenging my kids’ dad to tag. 🤣
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThis Window Joke Washer 🤝 🤝 Works on Multiple Levels 🤝…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMShakespeare: *taking notes* All that glitters is not gold Twitter: lol butt plugs Shakespeare: *high-fiving self* nailed it
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThe picture of the happy mom, in the super clean kitchen, baking the perfect holiday cookies with her neatly dresse…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM*docked in Port Royal using WiFi* Captain: How goes plundering the booty lad? Me: Captain I'm just downloading mo…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMDon't stop trying new things just because you've had a lot of birthdays.
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Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM[one minute after giving cat a fluffy ball to play with] Cat: I have lost the ball
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Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMtickled a guy to death, got charged with manslaughter
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM🔄Retweet Retreat🔄 ✨Drop tweets for RT's & assorted twitterlove...funny tweets preferred, but, not necessary- just…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMOnly you can prevent people using inferior queso on their chimichangas. Only you.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMYoga pants aren't as easy to rip open as porn suggest. In a totally unrelated story I'm not allowed within 500 fee…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMWhen you think someone is behind you so you smile, then realize it's just a lot of butt back there.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM"I want these motherfucken elves off my motherfucken shelf!"
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIt sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM*2yo wakes up from his nap* Hubs: Hey baby, I love you. 2yo: No! *walks over and curls up on my lap* Me: See? It's not just me.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMRemember when phone cords were a physical representation of the tone the conversation was taking
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMme: [flirting] this isn't the first time i've had this effect on a man man: [quietly sobs]
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIt’s the little things that show you care, like a teaspoon of arsenic.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIf a 5 year old who is not yours tells you that “you have a big tummy,” is it okay to lose composure and kick him i…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMShhhh, no talking during leftovers.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI get it Mrs. Claus, my husband still gets full credit for stuff I bought and wrapped too
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI went to Target to buy one thing and left with only one thing. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMher: mmm you got any fries to go with that shake? me: it’s a malt
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI can’t be the only one who hears “spatchcock” and automatically imagines a spatula for a penis. Raise your hand i…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMGOD: *creates dolphin* DOLPHIN:
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMCheck the sky for the Star Child tonight.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @paulturner67 👍Pancakes Flapjacks Griddle cakes Golden dollars Breakfast disks Flavor frisbees Heart a-stacks Wheel meals Syru…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMattention travelers going to chicago in case of a water landing your pizza can be used as a flotation device, trave…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMPerformer Mobster 🤝 Break a Leg
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMBuckle up, folks! 💺 It is important for every person to understand cults & cultic relationships. (Not all cults a…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @candid_kitten @The_Albinoshrek Yikes! I’m glad it was a false alarm!Me, trying to write anything on my phone with Swype and autocorrect
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMbabies are like thank you for buying me that entire wardrobe but I’m a different person than I was 4 days ago
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Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIdk how y'all do phone sex. No matter how much lube I used it wouldn't fit.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMthem: what do we want? me: more weed them: when do we want it? me: cheese them: cheese? me: more weed
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @mommajessiec drank 4 cups of coffee. Is this woke? Am I woke now?
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @girl_a_whirl @0000seapea808 I was smh at Michael the entire time I played GTA VWhat if they created a video game by mashing up Grand Theft Auto with marriage? Husband asks what’s for dinner 50 t…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMan Amazon wish list filled with the world’s finest beef jerky...
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIt's a wild race! Out of the gate CC Declined and Divorce II are neck and neck Dog Tired is coming up on Car Repa…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMHappiness, Met her in the sunshine, Running up this hill, There’s no turning back
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThanksgiving Thursday. Black Friday. Small Business Saturday. Kids are Driving Me Nuts Sunday. Thank God They’re Back In School Monday.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMYes, my drafts are full; no, I’m not deleting any. You’re welcome.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMMarge seems way out of Homers league. I don't give a shit if you @ me or not.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @JPLFR80 is a calling people babe account now.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @Mardigroan brawl in Taiwan's parliament over US pork imports had a lot more action than old Mike Tyson's latest pay per view fight.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMMe: At a certain point you realize what is considered socially acceptable is arbitrary. You’re eating those ribs an…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI refer to my children as “you people”
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMbro i had a joke and started typing it and then i forgot it. it’s gone. i’ll never think of it again. what if it wo…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThis day in history. 1932. In Belgium the first of 33 appearances by a woman who announced to 5 children "I am the…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMYou can’t be in love with me I am the sound of static when your ears plug up in terror
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMCurrent financial status: jealous of people that get McDonald’s
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI take my pants off just like everyone else - with a chainsaw and the jaws of life.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMPandemic Life Hack: poop with the door open so your partner can be certain they don’t have COVIDDads love saying “sure, I’m not driving!” when the waiter asks if they want more water
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @Karlabeback saw three people wearing Lululemons today. It’s obviously a sign. Not to exercise. To go shopping.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMWhen your mom says you have to take three more bites of dinner before you can have dessert
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMSomebody just solved world hunger
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @Karlabeback How about esculate?I see the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra are looking for yet another triangle player.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMFleet Fetish.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLM @Karlabeback This is the appropriate reactionI licked it so I put a ring on it
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI can’t tell you how many times I’ve been poppin’ lockin’ ‘n droppin’ and well-meaning citizens have thrown me to t…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMI saw this carelessly tossed to the curb like it was little more than garbage, and it was then that I realized the…
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThere is a penny in the garbage disposal.
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMIt would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
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Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMHey you! Out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone. Would you touch me? -Pink Floyd sexting
Retweeted by ADHDeanBLMThe only house in my neighborhood with any holiday decorations up so far has a polar bear in a train conductor unif…
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