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Vault 69 Boy @aka_fatman Melbourne, Australia

I'd rather have knife and forks for hands than stupid hooks (Avi courtesy of @dongfuture)

264 Following   8,224 Followers   24,281 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/28/11


When I tell people I'm planning a lot of travel this weekend, they tend to get a little angry... until I explain wi… https://t.co/iVZMMtfeG1
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
11/25
2020
[me as a magician proposing to my girlfriend] Me:...what’s this behind you ear? It looks like...*reaches to pull o… https://t.co/amkhQ2dnnD
11/24
2020
People keep asking me how I went from 143 followers to 150 in just 6 months. Let me tell you it has been a journey. A thread 👇
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
11/22
2020
@Laser_Cat A buddy of mine has a thing with his other friends every December where they try to avoid “All I Want Fo… https://t.co/1GibNQbAM2
11/19
2020
@Prof_Hinkley @david8hughes Glad you feel this way too, Prof. I may need an affidavit from you in an upcoming negli… https://t.co/7QMEj3YCNs @Prof_Hinkley @david8hughes I’m a busy guy who may or may not have purchased a PS5. The POINT is that the wife is d… https://t.co/Yy4tYxMkZ5 @david8hughes Um...David? I paid you $20 to look after the bub for an afternoon. It’s been three weeks. Is there so… https://t.co/piGSdse0fD @Bexdora I totally read a thing just the other day about sighing. Not only does it reset our lungs and breathing, i… https://t.co/OXDOmbLh7N
11/17
2020
@Beludore @Rollmaninoz @Zzsjg @RexChapman You know you have Asperger’s, right? This is why there’s always problems… https://t.co/kA8djwdFVB @Beludore @Rollmaninoz @Zzsjg @RexChapman Glad you took the time out to read the article[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to— ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
11/16
2020
@Beludore @Rollmaninoz @Zzsjg @RexChapman Posting an article here I read a while back. Googled ‘son + turned + whit… https://t.co/oGqKKCvmxJ @Beludore @Rollmaninoz @Zzsjg @RexChapman We’ve all said and done dumb crap in our lives. We still do. Maturity com… https://t.co/jGDqhKSQyo @Beludore @Rollmaninoz @Zzsjg @RexChapman Look, ultimately, I believe in redemption. People can change for the bett… https://t.co/sn3gPs2Gb9 @painted_eel That’s like depriving da Vinci of the colour yellow to paint the Mona Lisa. Let Trump paint* his next… https://t.co/jrVxlanwcs @Rollmaninoz @Beludore @Zzsjg @RexChapman I...kinda get the point though. Watching the vid, I see a bunch of sad mo… https://t.co/ael7L7BUTj @tastefactory @MrAndyNgo @nieto_phillip Their m.o. is to keep filming/photographing people do cool shit and caption… https://t.co/KMHZiwbNcb
11/15
2020
If capitalism didn't already exist, and somebody suggested we all work under a guy for 40 hours a week while they m… https://t.co/M75xu9yy9v
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
11/14
2020
@Piecezilla I got 99 problems...and they all luftballons.
11/12
2020
@PaperWash Shit. Get better soon, bro
11/9
2020
The shortest distance between 2 points is "I'm not going."
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @Piecezilla @FrogAvalanche I never thought I’d ever say this, but I kinda miss the plague of locusts. Sure, they we… https://t.co/RVTFHd60Bm @Piecezilla @FrogAvalanche It’s...kinda like a plague @Tommytoughstuff Danny McBride could kill it
11/8
2020
@ksorbs Kevin Sore-Bro
11/6
2020
@champagnzee Hiii! Hadn’t seen any dog updates for a while. Hope all is well! @champagnzee Oh noooo! Poor Aerie @AbrasiveGhost There is no way this race should be as close as this but the pig-headed arrogance of the DNC leads t… https://t.co/rmxTzWqQWG
11/4
2020
@joncoopertweets Empathy? Joy?7:23 am: Lol hey :) 7:24 am: Do you like Neavis ong Butthig 7:24 am: *and 7:24 am: *Butthead 7:32 am: *Neavis 7:32… https://t.co/qCmIBdJy2s
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @KeetPotato Why you gotta hate on the man’s dancing, Keet? Sure, he’s an utterly corrupt, hate-filled, cowardly mor… https://t.co/oQjLe1V8mS
11/3
2020
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
11/2
2020
@Piecezilla @PaperWash It’d be fairly easy to see through their emotions @Piecezilla @PaperWash I’m sure the show would be quite the spectrecle
10/31
2020
Customer: *noticing cobwebs, bloody handprints, bats and skeleton in the corner* Wow. Your bar really went out of t… https://t.co/KxGCWoo2BG @delaneykingrox As a longtime Silent Hill fan, it’s a goddamn shame this never got made.
10/30
2020
@pixelatedboat Was it the scene where Jason Biggs had sex with a pie?
10/24
2020
@gh0stpunner It kinda sounds like when autocorrect changes a sentence to something less sweary
10/22
2020
@PaperWash [The First Chuck] They: We’ve got a new nickname for you, Charles! Charles: *throwing up* What is it?In Giuliani’s defence, he was only reclining and touching his junk because he thought he was on an online Zoom call with work colleagues. @dorsalstream It would be better if the numbers were lower.me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @JustinScaife @SirEviscerate I’d probably recommend “Nausicaä” next. It’s not as hardcore as “Grave of The Fireflie… https://t.co/eNAgDuDYIK @JustinScaife @SirEviscerate “Grave of the Fireflies”. Reeeeal depressing @SirEviscerate Jesus Christ that’s a depressing film. Think I watched this one straight after “Porco Rosso”
10/21
2020
Round 1 Hypnotism Good Friends vs Oompa Lupus @pilau vs @onefatman https://t.co/JB3HHFo8Tghttps://t.co/r8v5yFoECP
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoyRound 1 Wolf Good Friends vs Oompa Lupus @RobbyActually vs @gh0stpunner https://t.co/Pizbr7aGmnhttps://t.co/zZQeSfonox
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boyi've got everything i need to become the world's best hypnotist just watch
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoyRound 1 Blood Good Friends vs Oompa Lupus @DrakeGatsby vs @aka_fatman https://t.co/kuDMaS1yVRhttps://t.co/vouqIsQORH
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
10/20
2020
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy*hairy man in a trenchcoat approaches sheep club entrance* HAIRY MAN: I believe I'm on the guest list. BOUNCER: S… https://t.co/Mu5J0R79Ql
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boyme: hey what's that kevin costner movie we watched? them: oh the bodyguard? me: no the one with the whitney houst… https://t.co/G3B9IAGaRn
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoyPerson: How did your hypnotherapy go? You: Pretty good. I don’t have the urge to smoke anymore. [a bell rings]… https://t.co/Qfi2ddXZSk*leans out office door* Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch. *goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @Fancy_Puffin @SirEviscerate Ah yes. Twitter - the famous platform for the non-nerds @Fancy_Puffin @SirEviscerate Put it to a vote!A horse walks into a bar. Everyone is so burnt out over this Covid bullshit that no one even notices that it's obvi… https://t.co/qKf35LpZi5
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @noiserawker Also handy if the team ever wants a keg of beerCoach: There ain’t nothing in your rulebooks about a DOG not being able to play basketball! Ref: Rule 32. “No dogs… https://t.co/MvCDfRxubXCroupier: Time to show your hand, Monsieur Bond. You must beat a full house to win the $150 million pot. Bond: Rea… https://t.co/eOFrm0K7b3
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
10/18
2020
@TheHyyyype I can imagine Jeff Tiedrich coursing with Adrenalin as he hits send. Maybe letting the barista know how… https://t.co/l3ETfBOxo7 @TheHyyyype He don’t miss!Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoyGhostbuster: We've dealt with your ghost, ma'am. Lady: That was my great-grandfather. He fought against slavery Ghostbuster: That'll be $499
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
10/17
2020
instead of fantasy ass names like the Wizards and the Golden Knights, professional sport teams should be named afte… https://t.co/tK7n62eW26
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @TheToddWilliams Barron: *from behind* I’m over here dadDog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill - I will show you the Matrix.
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
10/15
2020
"They tell me you're the greatest sniper in the world," says the stranger. "Maybe," I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @InternetHippo We...love your avi choices. They are...always good and not disturbing at all.
10/14
2020
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers] Mario: You-a kill my father! Wario: No. I am-a your father. Mario: Mama-mia!
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoyCroupier: Time to show your hand, Monsieur Bond. You must beat a full house to win the $150 million pot. Bond: Rea… https://t.co/eOFrm0K7b3
10/13
2020
@ShanusMcAnus My favourite was “The Yattering and Jack” @ShanusMcAnus That’d look wild. I almost envision a Cloverfield monster in the way that ‘mites’ keep falling of its… https://t.co/tjHUeaOeLz
10/10
2020
therapist: what do you see? me: Snoopy therapist: this one? me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football therapi… https://t.co/zOFrCtMub0
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
10/6
2020
@dorsalstream I’ve always found you hysPHERICAL
10/5
2020
@DanMentos Well, well, well. If it isn’t my old nemesis - Marimba
10/2
2020
@somecleverthing Easybeats - “I’ll Make You Happy”
9/18
2020
Man I can't believe we have to do online classes for wizard school this yea- LOOK AT THIS MF UNDER THE STAIRS LMAO
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
9/16
2020
@alissaTweets @Probgoblin Brave Man, my ass. He probably just wanted to attend a gender reveal party.
9/9
2020
therapist: how have you been coping with everything me: with sarcasm mostly therapist: has that been working me:… https://t.co/znMIbWYOg7
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy @david8hughes Drowning to own the libs @OneTrickTofani @MothershipRPG Oh cool! I’ve already backed this so I’ll see it when it appears
9/7
2020
@DayQuil_Daddy @living_marble The Dawn intro was dope @living_marble Hot Take: All the Batman films are all taking place in Bruce Wayne’s head, where he constantly re-ex… https://t.co/PZquIKDx3g
9/2
2020
@daemonic3 @TheHyyyype @ItsLumberzack @jbfan911 @steeve_again @IndecisiveJones @okiecorri @harvardgraduathttps://t.co/OzC78vI8Gs
8/29
2020
woman at beach: pass me a towel. me waiting for an opportunity to bring up I was on wheel of fortune: speaking of buying a vowel
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
8/28
2020
The Uber Eats apps dinged to tell me it now delivers healthy food choices. It also KNOWS I’ve ordered a bucket of c… https://t.co/SmBEo6lYoc
8/25
2020
@abbycohenwl Sorry to hear Abby. I’ve donated. Unfortunately the Australian peso doesn’t translate that well to the… https://t.co/PsTE1S3DSt @Fancy_Puffin I once worked in a skate warehouse and they started cutting hours to the old hands when they hired so… https://t.co/vEwdusM3RE
8/22
2020
With Lawrence Fishburne not reprising his role as Morpheus in MATRIX 4, I feel that there will be LESS FER US.
8/20
2020
@garbagecoven What’s ‘hand sanitizer’?
8/19
2020
my body is NOT a temple it’s a STORAGE UNIT for my REGRETS
Retweeted by Vault 69 BoySplinter: ok I've made some coloured disguises for you all Donatello: to protect our identities? Splinter: exactl… https://t.co/p98lsuw6Ja
Retweeted by Vault 69 Boy
8/18
2020
@punished_picnic Weird that Kotaku would attract erratic nerds with anger issues on a social platform that allows a… https://t.co/lciXJDo8F1
8/7
2020
@Piecezilla [20 minutes later] (broken plates everywhere, forks stick out of a wall, blood everywhere) Oh James. What have you done now? @truegritrumble Fancy! @truegritrumble What are you gonna do with $30?
8/4
2020
@NurseMurderer That one was an actual heart. Keep up the good work @Piecezilla Sorry Mr Keeps All His Dog Poop For Himself. Some of us live to share our canine’s gifts with the world.
8/3
2020

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