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Father. Husband. Shoe salesman. President and Founder of NO MA'AM. Once scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.

1,559 Following   1,365 Followers   6,207 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/11/11


https://t.co/i5VKqLMdVi"Screw a fair fight. Open up the door real quick, don't give him a chance to think, and sucker punch him in the bre… https://t.co/zTgDoUejjP @heckyessica Hooter alert!
11/22
2019
@CindyKendrick11 @ykwtsgfy Loud farts often don't smell. The silent ones and the ones that sound like cat purrs smell the worst.
11/19
2019
@SpaceKwest @DorisdeJong1 @ultradesign_be @JoostJansen6 @ashatenbroeke @Dutchfan33 I can't read foreigner. Can I get it in American, please?
11/16
2019
AL: So I missed one sign, Bridgendshere Street. BUD: That was 'bridge ends here', Dad.
11/14
2019
PEG: Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me this doesn't turn you on? AL: Peg, I can look you in the anywhere and tell you that.
11/12
2019
"When I was growing up I had two dreams. One was to be an astronaut and land on the planet Jayne Mansfield. The oth… https://t.co/ay13RbqONyFound this on an MWC Facebook group. Kudos to the creator. https://t.co/97HJUZgUQ6
11/11
2019
"Threats don't frighten me, I'm married."
11/7
2019
"Home is where the horror is." https://t.co/OlD8i33ePe
10/25
2019
"Damn mannequins look like hookers." https://t.co/C4htP9MXcf
10/7
2019
Al Bundy pays his debts... or waits 25 years for the city to give up trying to collect it. https://t.co/B7bk8y8yEA
10/2
2019
FAT CHICK: Do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of High Karate? AL: Do you always go to work wearin… https://t.co/2ihWsZKvrY
9/28
2019
@Super70sSports Jack McCoy
9/25
2019
"I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I think white women started it." -Bill Burr #PaperTiger
9/22
2019
@Fred06097173 Sadly, decades of malnourishment has left my body more brittle than Luck's. @smittyz73 @MuchMusic @DavidFaustino I noticed it the other day. Bud and Kelly were trying to trick me into spendin… https://t.co/G9lrNTWs6t
8/31
2019
"Peg, I'm blind! I saw your mother naked, and everything went black. I think my eyes were trying to protect my hear… https://t.co/VPyB7s9edy @AlBundyParody https://t.co/tXsUYi5Wi5
Retweeted by Al Bundy
8/28
2019
"Those trick questions won't work on me, doc. You can probe around in my head all you want, you ain't gonna find anything in there.""Make sure to read the labels. I don't want you getting anything that says 'natural ingredients.'"
8/21
2019
"(on the phone) Hello, Police? I'd like to report a, umm, missing person. How tall? About four feet tall, five feet… https://t.co/hwBhkP7IeiYou're dead to me, @ScottAdamsSays. https://t.co/tEAdb2mD5t
8/12
2019
"Long live Habib."
8/2
2019
@realjackbenny No, I would and have lived at the supermarket.
7/25
2019
Who's that tall, dark stranger there? The one with the gun and the icy stare? The one with the scalp of his ex-wife… https://t.co/oC6LimHrdT
7/22
2019
"Look what I won playing Skee Ball. Well, I was a couple tickets short so I copped a few from a kid in a stroller t… https://t.co/B2ovZor5zt
7/21
2019
@goducks321 If you want more money, blackmail the owner with pics of her sweatshop.
7/18
2019
Looking for a new bbq at Home Depot. The kids let fish touch my grill.
7/6
2019
"Ashes from the past for burgers of the future."Happy 4th of July, everyone!Steee-Rike! https://t.co/2irDUoe6hE
7/5
2019
"[on the phone] Remember that night in the backseat of my old Dodge? How was I? [pause] I knew it! What am I driving now? Gotta go, bye." @goducks321 Yeah, diapers are a necessity. Babies can't just poop in the neighbour's yard. They're not dogs.MARCY: This year I'm finally gonna win the neighborhood Christmas decorating contest. AL: Are you gonna stand out f… https://t.co/Gofl2lCSuL
7/2
2019
"[on the phone] So I was great! The best! C'mon now, you're making me blush. Well thank you, Sister Mary Ignatius."
6/24
2019
@GeorgeTakei Your camp was summer camp compared to Treblinka and Sobibor, George.Spent three days in Niagara Falls. There's really not a lot to do there, and the nudie bars are kind of sad.MARCY: We're going to have a new addition to our family. AL: Shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?
6/20
2019
Nice shirt, @shaundeeb. Good luck at the WSOP. https://t.co/Ik6n6lk8CM"Toilets today aren't worthy of the name. They come in designer colors, they're too low, and when you flush them th… https://t.co/HRMjbpPDju
6/4
2019
"Now kids, when we get to the restaurant something strange will happen, a woman will bring you food. Don't be scared."
6/2
2019
AL: You know, Kelly, it's been a long time since we've had a father/daughter talk. KELLY: We've never had a father… https://t.co/ZfMMbnVZgr
6/1
2019
"Marcy, your problem is you're not servile enough. Young lady, if you want to save your marriege you're going to ha… https://t.co/JiiWQAu8cd @Propane_Man_ Easily my favorite Fox animated series. Looking forward to all the Hank Hill goodness!
5/29
2019
@zack_koch It was fo... I mean five. @Complex That's what we should have done for our final episode!DE GROOT: Could it be that you don't have the two thousand dollars? Could it be that I was correct when I made an e… https://t.co/Os9SpYrMt6
5/28
2019
"A woman comes into the shoe store today so big she's protected by Green Peace and asks for a size 4 shoe. So I ask… https://t.co/TsMbgxjJx6
5/22
2019
MINISTER: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? AL: Do I look that stupid to you?Peg's looking pretty good these... HEY WAIT A SECOND!!! https://t.co/3UiavMkPqw
5/19
2019
"Son, I see you're hurting, so I want to say this to you, and I want to say it sincerely... Blah blah, son."
5/10
2019
"Look, Heather. I am going to get this role... for two reasons!" https://t.co/NFnpOkVMRt
5/4
2019
"A Pakistani dirt vendor makes more than I do."
5/2
2019
"Steee-rike!"
5/1
2019
@AlBundyParody New book, for the MWC fans! https://t.co/Olkg2jwpbu
Retweeted by Al Bundy
4/28
2019
@Sparks3rdCoast Wife gets too close she gets impaled. I like it!CUSTOMER: I want something that goes with this dress. AL: A bubbling cauldron? CUSTOMER: You got a lot of nerve. AL… https://t.co/bfQPvcxRPM
4/23
2019
MARCY: How many calls did you get tonight, Al? You got none! AL: None today. Tomorrow, twice as many!
4/11
2019
@SaraUnderwood What cabin?
4/10
2019
"How come Buck gets a pipe and slippers? I've had a cold for three days and I gotta sleep in the garage."
4/7
2019
"Son, if you get the chance to get back at a girl who has wronged you, do it. Do it now, do it good, do it twice. T… https://t.co/W0ydRJaxka
3/29
2019
"Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Arms? I have a question. Who was in the very first lite beer commercial... hello?""Kelly, honey, let me explain something about fishing rods. When you throw them down, you break them. Then daddy ca… https://t.co/EkYPJjnUcy
3/25
2019
Man is jailed after dipping his testicles in another person's salsa https://t.co/J9Q8iwtXa6
Retweeted by Al BundyDon't forget to tune in tonight to see Gaspasser B destroy Joey Lawrence on Drop the Mic. #TBS #TNT https://t.co/CfTkopZWQA
3/13
2019
1957-2019 https://t.co/fIAok1maC2
3/5
2019
"We're going to sleep in the hole, Bud."
3/4
2019
Happy 45th birthday to the best pretend son man could ask for, @DavidFaustino! The man is a legend. Follw him, list… https://t.co/uFuq85Btp0
3/3
2019
BUD: As your legal tenant I can report you to the housing authority. AL: And as your legal father I can give you five across the eyes!
2/12
2019
@Victorpureco Off to the supermarket!I could have just bought some Weenie Tots with the ten bucks, but I'm looking to get shit-faced on sketchy pork tonight! @wallin_r @AJandTara I could use the money.I've got ten bucks on the Pats covering the spread. If I win, I'm blowing it all on Weenie Tots!
2/4
2019
"While carrying canned goods to their local church group, my beloved children, Bud and, umm, the girl, had their fu… https://t.co/bTIw56XEPV
1/28
2019
"Steve, I may not know the color of my wife's eyes. I don't know my kids' birthdays. But I know that's Brandy Brand… https://t.co/hdObW5POWc
1/23
2019
"Peg, Tubro can't be the man of the house, Peg, because Tubro can't cry."
1/20
2019
"Well at least I'm not the only one without a life around here. Where is your brother, anyway?"
1/18
2019
@SheilaGunnReid Tell her she has a big vagina and get the fuck out of there.
1/16
2019
"But then, out of the shoe fields came a fresh-faced kid with fire in his eyes and thunder in his bat. Enter the Bundy era." @SaraUnderwood Weenie Tots.
1/15
2019
"Oh man, we're broke, cha, cha, cha. Everybody flat broke, cha, cha, cha. Living in the gutter, cha, cha, cha. Earl… https://t.co/n2beWhCYeN @AlBringback She didn't clean again until she hit her head in the final season, lol.
1/7
2019
Long live Habib. https://t.co/kEFcKK8UWR
1/5
2019
PEG: Do you got any money? AL: Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
1/4
2019
"I can't sleep, Peg. That can be deadly in my line of work. What if a fat woman tries on a pair of heels and I'm no… https://t.co/lYrk7C1AcqWWE Hall of Fame announcer “Mean” Gene Okerlund has passed away at the age of 76 https://t.co/zWzcmgu4hW
Retweeted by Al Bundy @spiritualforce1 Maybe from the short period Peggy and I were separated?
1/2
2018
"Will a salon cut my nose hair, Peg?"
12/31
2018
JEFFERSON: Marcy's as mad as a wet hen about this. AL: That means somewhere out there there's a wet hen as mad as Marcy.
12/30
2018
CUSTOMER: I'm not sure I like this shade of blue. AL: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of… https://t.co/bqHnulgJTt
12/29
2018
Humana humana humana.. https://t.co/Lr9uPBMwYJWoah Jablonski!!! Merry Christmas, everyone! https://t.co/L3P8A0hFlb @Lecpardprints Women have orgasms?
12/25
2018
@Lecpardprints @NoMaamAssoc Sometimes we throw up a little in our mouth.
12/21
2018
"The only thing that keeps me going is thinking that one day, a spaceship will land. Hopefully on garbage day. Then… https://t.co/U9TNnJvEYG
12/20
2018
"Yeah, it's nothing compared to what you bring home... like the swine flu you brought back from your family reunion."
12/19
2018
"Remember that time I got 95 cocktail weinies in my mouth? I would have got 96 in there if I didn't have to sneeze."
12/18
2018
It's Giovanni Ribisi's 44th birthday today. Giovanni played Bud's friend, Teddy, in two episodes (Dateless Amigo/Wh… https://t.co/FPS68jdNP4
12/17
2018

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