Sign in with Twitter

Username:

If every chick sat down when using a public toilet then we could all sit down. Hovering only leads to your piss on the seat. Stop it.

629 Following   95,024 Followers   10,379 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/24/12


Tornados, earthquakes, hail, a global pandemic. This is the Passover story reboot none of us wanted.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein😂😂😂 https://t.co/4ySprR6iiNBonnie Raitt & John Prine "Angel From Montgomery" | ACL Presents: Americana 18th Annual Honors - YouTube https://t.co/6XXAOWu42c
4/8
2020
God I hope you’re a heart surgeon. https://t.co/dyuahQTPKH6-Buy Alex Borstein a drink. https://t.co/I8DoUVwJe2This moon is helping me to forget. But then I remember. 🌚Poke the bear...then mute the bear. 🤐 🐻 @TestPattern4132 @memeganem @Astharteea Public grass, Captain Opinion. Grass along a promenade, so eat it. #staysafe #stayhome #eatshitme. me. food. diarrhea https://t.co/SzHZ2mK48wIn the middle of the coronavirus pandemic, THIS is the line for in person voting as the polls open for Election Day… https://t.co/DCkT0FSTfT
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinThere she is! Only 31 minutes. https://t.co/KT7rhgmNoaDear Officer 77144, I just want to thank you for taking the time to scare the living shit out of me and my 7yo daug… https://t.co/Dgcu7OOLBOIf you’re asking why is the COVID-19 rate so low in germany and high in your country. Is because their president us… https://t.co/8IWCf7E6Mh
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @larrycharlesism @BradleyWhitford I would pay to see all reporters sit there and ask him nothing. When asked why th… https://t.co/7DcGPoBwgb
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinMrs. Dumpfire https://t.co/dFOT7XJVvPWow. https://t.co/RN2oAblDUb @YuckyTom It would never work, Tom. You’re too young. Too handsome. Too yucky.
4/7
2020
@YuckyTom Why?Hang on, getting a pencil. Okay. Quick question, what’s a partner? ✏️ https://t.co/pj8UoXoGhKAgree to disagree. 😷 https://t.co/q2ewEJGCzBHmm...sounds like something someone who travelled here from the future would say. https://t.co/9hlMPjpRsSMask and gloves, people! . . #shimmyshamspidey #faceandhands #gogetthebadguys https://t.co/8wrGnsBYR6"the locomotive rushing at us in the tunnel...." https://t.co/iFVq0qyNxq
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinOne dog down preventing one downward dog. 🐶 ⬇️ 🐶 . . #namaste #downwarddog #quarenturo https://t.co/9S3nVNCfuowell in that case isn't wearing a seat belt while covered in Jesus' blood the height of blasphemy? https://t.co/M7pTAumiTf
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinThe. Best. https://t.co/2ehyEp6NiT @YuckyTom 💍 @Merrillmarkoe @warrenleightTV Lil Frankies - 1st Ave NY . . holy shit!! The best! 🍋 🍝Dear Dr. Donald Trump, . Not sure if this hydroxycut is making a dent against Coronavirus, but my abs are insane.… https://t.co/u5rr30SQQn
4/6
2020
@mursaki9 @WorldsofUKL I’m sorry 💔(Keep thinking: I’ve a Masters in Public Health; wrote my doctoral dissertation on global efforts to tackle AIDS pa… https://t.co/vggsDE8pkk
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @ijbijb @JudithBorstein 🧤📱 https://t.co/xGtonqpE1I @jennylens Just ordered a photo. Hope that helps.Y aun mas bella en español 💙 https://t.co/NqZyb4ZQUKPlease tell me that’s one serving. https://t.co/hS08uroIkTJust watched this again. *sigh* Her stories seep in and they stay with you. I think about Olemas all the time. Is… https://t.co/WCvR337eS2Bullshit. https://t.co/iPkIZSlKn4NYC: If you have a car and would like to volunteer to deliver stuff to people, Invisible Hands needs you. It's st… https://t.co/Nul1yHrgsO
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
4/5
2020
These are so damn funny. Go see for yourself on Instagram. :) https://t.co/mQQMU5CRvLMorty and Rick https://t.co/ZGWnAK5RGg @MickeyFisher73 bravo!!!! I LOVED it. Thank you all so much. ❤️ #replicaStop unleashing things on people as a surprise. https://t.co/O1A4stDZGENow more than ever.!?:; https://t.co/Y5qWx2LijsLaw & Order SVU: “Gloves on everybody. I want this whole place dusted for nip-prints.” https://t.co/eXJlfijnSoLove it! But should we design one that’s like a turtleneck to pull up over the mouth and nose? ❤️ https://t.co/2qVXdtawvYI’m all for this guy’s vision. Finger 👇🏻 https://t.co/nbJiwAxclVNo one fits. That’s why she’s trying to shake us off with virus’ earthquakes and floods. 👸🏻 🌍 https://t.co/X6rISDcpFhLife is beautiful but the world is hell.
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinHola Patsy!! Someone just sent this to me and I loved getting to hear your voice again. Miss you. Love you. And, ye… https://t.co/DSktEwWUr1Oh that is good news. :) Congratulations you four! 🍼❤️ https://t.co/CeYHxMXYsxThis is why I look like nothing. https://t.co/dKUJ607DWg
4/4
2020
*couldn’tWe nailed the fun and philanthropy degrees, but just could get the hang of the morality part. https://t.co/5g7rY75IFqYes!! Triple and quadruple layers are a must!! Bravo, Fagsy ❤️👏 https://t.co/a9JAe34EIAHi @phillamarr . . Part of my kid’s schoolwork today was a drawing challenge. A llama. He named him. 😂😂 https://t.co/kbaPYwX3nbReporting tonight it’s clear that there are huge, huge fortunes being made now on the COVID Crisis. We keep hearing… https://t.co/Q40klIUJzh
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
4/3
2020
Fucking nailing this! https://t.co/IlxmAAWrnlWho knew they’d crack this before the vaccine. But shit, let’s fuckin’ do this! Time machine, take us to November… https://t.co/XLSF7BgsbpI was also a fan of “In Living Color" https://t.co/L322R4zTdQMy seven year old crawling back up my life-hole. 🐙 https://t.co/pymvAPjNc4 @ClareGrant Full disclosure? Never seen the movie, never played the game.Great, now do the pharma giants selling insulin at a 250% markup. https://t.co/VxuIOFdRGN
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinHere’s hoping you will be socially distancing yourself in a cell, ya greedy heartless dump truck. #dumpy https://t.co/tp385b23wDGee...thanks Aaron? https://t.co/S4rY3nmnTcYeah we do. 🌱 https://t.co/v7Y5cuXwiSShould I be laughing this hard? Why am I laughing so hard? 😂 https://t.co/jH6p6IWz6kPerhaps I should forget all about you.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
4/2
2020
Trump Lullaby RING AROUND THE ASSHOLE POCKET FULL OF ASSHOLE ASSHOLE / ASSHOLE WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!🥀In an effort to save the environment and deal with the 🧻 shortage, I am mastering the firefly yoga pose and draggin… https://t.co/aiv8EEFXsmWhat if @WillSasso goes back? https://t.co/LfQDoSQXIqThese are the first tears I’ve shed since lockdown began & the death toll commenced its steady climb. This dark lau… https://t.co/6B3UGoeV3pShhhh 🍷 📚 https://t.co/1UpTGQBIUvMe?! Thank YOU!!! ❤️ https://t.co/I6OQCkCNvlHe’s gay. @fagsymalone ❤️ https://t.co/L5ZEpU8RjDTime to get really EXCITED! 💩💩 Book #1 in the hilarious, brand-new series TIMMY THE TICKED-OFF PONY by… https://t.co/x574don2Jq
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinFor those who wanted a world with no vaccines... here’s the world without ONE vaccine.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @HashtagBobF @GaryJanetti But in the end, aren’t we all running from Nazis, Bob?❤️❤️❤️❤️ @GaryJanetti https://t.co/l9o9uazd9E*sigh* This one gives me chills, Blaze Foley ❤️ https://t.co/4q5GsBskiW https://t.co/kwp3tlapabI bought a beautiful dress for my boss at a little boutique on a hidden street behind my apartment. 👗 https://t.co/nVNf2rcL5a
4/1
2020
But the end is nigh, motherfuckers. 🎈 https://t.co/mOI5WaxApt @TheJackieB He will ship to US :)This is my friend, David. This is his toy company. Don’t know why he is wearing underwear on the 🚽but I do know how… https://t.co/FhkH2duisZ @TVsAndyDaly That’s a symptom, buddy.If you can, support the @ACLU with me! Donate by 3/31 and your gift will be matched up to $250,000. https://t.co/2PDEWtATBVI’ll just send the list via Twitter in pictures: 1. Two boxes of Magnums - Dad likes them a little big and then he… https://t.co/Q1FhZzEhD9How about: Ms. Ass Borstein... https://t.co/xc5M84MxXgMs. https://t.co/HVzGJYIKdjDon’t shit on my fantasy, Angus!! https://t.co/YDbME4vrlGHey fellow humans of Earth! If you are lucky like me and can donate right now, maybe throw some@cash to… https://t.co/2utVbHfW7hShit, I’d down that for free in 88 minutes flat. 🍔 🍟 https://t.co/iUOfIQPBYCJust donated to these folks who are doing good deeds in NY. Donate if you can or maybe volunteer to do grocery run… https://t.co/jVoE4afCP6Well, it's been 7 years. How's it coming? https://t.co/N0YYYUMuda😂❤️😂❤️😂❤️....😞 https://t.co/s2G1Jh8Ctm🎤 ⬇️ https://t.co/XrOx5hVd4TI just gave to @FeedingAmerica. If you can afford to help right now, please join me and give meals to hungry famili… https://t.co/rj09VFE4IYI just donated to the #COVID19Fund to support @WHO's response efforts to the global #COVID19 pandemic. If you are l… https://t.co/BBPNQxXpph
3/31
2020
@ijbijb @JudithBorstein ❤️ https://t.co/E7ST5HztQ8Stay the fuck at home, Mom and Dad!! @ijbijb @JudithBorstein ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ If you need something from the st… https://t.co/0Wpdd69NEz @JennyJohnsonHi5 https://t.co/xKva3YIUHv
3/30
2020

0