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If every chick sat down when using a public toilet then we could all sit down. Hovering only leads to your piss on the seat. Stop it.

629 Following   95,024 Followers   10,379 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/24/12

Tornados, earthquakes, hail, a global pandemic. This is the Passover story reboot none of us wanted.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein😂😂😂 Raitt & John Prine "Angel From Montgomery" | ACL Presents: Americana 18th Annual Honors - YouTube
God I hope you’re a heart surgeon. Alex Borstein a drink. moon is helping me to forget. But then I remember. 🌚Poke the bear...then mute the bear. 🤐 🐻 @TestPattern4132 @memeganem @Astharteea Public grass, Captain Opinion. Grass along a promenade, so eat it. #staysafe #stayhome #eatshitme. me. food. diarrhea the middle of the coronavirus pandemic, THIS is the line for in person voting as the polls open for Election Day…
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinThere she is! Only 31 minutes. Officer 77144, I just want to thank you for taking the time to scare the living shit out of me and my 7yo daug… you’re asking why is the COVID-19 rate so low in germany and high in your country. Is because their president us…
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @larrycharlesism @BradleyWhitford I would pay to see all reporters sit there and ask him nothing. When asked why th…
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinMrs. Dumpfire @YuckyTom It would never work, Tom. You’re too young. Too handsome. Too yucky.
@YuckyTom Why?Hang on, getting a pencil. Okay. Quick question, what’s a partner? ✏️ to disagree. 😷 like something someone who travelled here from the future would say. and gloves, people! . . #shimmyshamspidey #faceandhands #gogetthebadguys"the locomotive rushing at us in the tunnel...."
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinOne dog down preventing one downward dog. 🐶 ⬇️ 🐶 . . #namaste #downwarddog #quarenturo in that case isn't wearing a seat belt while covered in Jesus' blood the height of blasphemy?
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinThe. Best. @YuckyTom 💍 @Merrillmarkoe @warrenleightTV Lil Frankies - 1st Ave NY . . holy shit!! The best! 🍋 🍝Dear Dr. Donald Trump, . Not sure if this hydroxycut is making a dent against Coronavirus, but my abs are insane.…
@mursaki9 @WorldsofUKL I’m sorry 💔(Keep thinking: I’ve a Masters in Public Health; wrote my doctoral dissertation on global efforts to tackle AIDS pa…
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @ijbijb @JudithBorstein 🧤📱 @jennylens Just ordered a photo. Hope that helps.Y aun mas bella en español 💙 tell me that’s one serving. watched this again. *sigh* Her stories seep in and they stay with you. I think about Olemas all the time. Is… If you have a car and would like to volunteer to deliver stuff to people, Invisible Hands needs you. It's st…
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
These are so damn funny. Go see for yourself on Instagram. :) and Rick @MickeyFisher73 bravo!!!! I LOVED it. Thank you all so much. ❤️ #replicaStop unleashing things on people as a surprise. more than ever.!?:; & Order SVU: “Gloves on everybody. I want this whole place dusted for nip-prints.” it! But should we design one that’s like a turtleneck to pull up over the mouth and nose? ❤️’m all for this guy’s vision. Finger 👇🏻 one fits. That’s why she’s trying to shake us off with virus’ earthquakes and floods. 👸🏻 🌍 is beautiful but the world is hell.
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinHola Patsy!! Someone just sent this to me and I loved getting to hear your voice again. Miss you. Love you. And, ye… that is good news. :) Congratulations you four! 🍼❤️ is why I look like nothing.
*couldn’tWe nailed the fun and philanthropy degrees, but just could get the hang of the morality part.!! Triple and quadruple layers are a must!! Bravo, Fagsy ❤️👏 @phillamarr . . Part of my kid’s schoolwork today was a drawing challenge. A llama. He named him. 😂😂 tonight it’s clear that there are huge, huge fortunes being made now on the COVID Crisis. We keep hearing…
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
Fucking nailing this! knew they’d crack this before the vaccine. But shit, let’s fuckin’ do this! Time machine, take us to November… was also a fan of “In Living Color" seven year old crawling back up my life-hole. 🐙 @ClareGrant Full disclosure? Never seen the movie, never played the game.Great, now do the pharma giants selling insulin at a 250% markup.
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinHere’s hoping you will be socially distancing yourself in a cell, ya greedy heartless dump truck. #dumpy Aaron? we do. 🌱 I be laughing this hard? Why am I laughing so hard? 😂 I should forget all about you.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein
Trump Lullaby RING AROUND THE ASSHOLE POCKET FULL OF ASSHOLE ASSHOLE / ASSHOLE WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!🥀In an effort to save the environment and deal with the 🧻 shortage, I am mastering the firefly yoga pose and draggin… if @WillSasso goes back? are the first tears I’ve shed since lockdown began & the death toll commenced its steady climb. This dark lau… 🍷 📚! Thank YOU!!! ❤️’s gay. @fagsymalone ❤️ to get really EXCITED! 💩💩 Book #1 in the hilarious, brand-new series TIMMY THE TICKED-OFF PONY by…
Retweeted by Alex BorsteinFor those who wanted a world with no vaccines... here’s the world without ONE vaccine.
Retweeted by Alex Borstein @HashtagBobF @GaryJanetti But in the end, aren’t we all running from Nazis, Bob?❤️❤️❤️❤️ @GaryJanetti*sigh* This one gives me chills, Blaze Foley ❤️ bought a beautiful dress for my boss at a little boutique on a hidden street behind my apartment. 👗
But the end is nigh, motherfuckers. 🎈 @TheJackieB He will ship to US :)This is my friend, David. This is his toy company. Don’t know why he is wearing underwear on the 🚽but I do know how… @TVsAndyDaly That’s a symptom, buddy.If you can, support the @ACLU with me! Donate by 3/31 and your gift will be matched up to $250,000.’ll just send the list via Twitter in pictures: 1. Two boxes of Magnums - Dad likes them a little big and then he… about: Ms. Ass Borstein...’t shit on my fantasy, Angus!! fellow humans of Earth! If you are lucky like me and can donate right now, maybe throw some@cash to…, I’d down that for free in 88 minutes flat. 🍔 🍟 donated to these folks who are doing good deeds in NY. Donate if you can or maybe volunteer to do grocery run…, it's been 7 years. How's it coming?😂❤️😂❤️😂❤️....😞🎤 ⬇️ just gave to @FeedingAmerica. If you can afford to help right now, please join me and give meals to hungry famili… just donated to the #COVID19Fund to support @WHO's response efforts to the global #COVID19 pandemic. If you are l…
@ijbijb @JudithBorstein ❤️ the fuck at home, Mom and Dad!! @ijbijb @JudithBorstein ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ If you need something from the st… @JennyJohnsonHi5