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I’m the only one who thinks I’m funny, I wouldn’t follow me if I were you. she/her

343 Following   448 Followers   8,178 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/9/16

If someone says “pregnant people” and you say they’re leaving women out of the’s a reminder: women are people.
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@KatieLMPrice @chrissyteigen I would just like to remind you that you’re a bad person 😁 have the worst day KatieHas anyone ever NOT almost died while driving near a landscaping company’s vehicle @MacinRigg Of course you do, what else did I expect 😂 @Connor_Van_Dyke Connor this made me actually laugh, thank you @Gamma_Tony Okay listen podcasts I am bold about, they can think I’m weird for the awful things Last Podcast on the… can’t be the only one that changes my songs in drive thrus so that the workers don’t judge the music I listen to
Peaked in high school bf, pyramid scheme gf
Retweeted by Uhmtl sleep??? i need avocados to be abolished immediately. they’re not as good as y’all like to pretend
Retweeted by UhmIs there someone I can hire to delete old screenshots for me? Because the level of cringe is very very highI feel like the returning the grocery cart question isn’t as important as WHY you do or don’t return it to its place
@tryguys how it started how it’s going
Retweeted by UhmAlso positive I traumatized @katielorrainee when she had to come pick me, I was not looking too hot get nauseous thinking about my iud. And I panic at the thought that I somehow have to go through that again in 3… excited to one day be lost to history
When a creator *cough cough Sia* says she "cannot do a project" without a particular CHILD or she "wouldn't create…
Retweeted by Uhm @katielorrainee @thomas_hamrick @Shervinskie Okay so I guess Katie has to judge too since she’s clearly never had our mashed taters😂 @katielorrainee @thomas_hamrick @Shervinskie They have no chunks whats the POINT @Shervinskie @thomas_hamrick Are we going to have to have a drunk potato competition? @thomas_hamrick @Shervinskie Thomas that’s so sad. I will send you the best recipe @thomas_hamrick @Shervinskie Absolutely, not as good as homemade but a close second if you don’t have the time @Shervinskie For some kinds maybe but I LOVE a classic mashed tater @Shervinskie Texture
@greenwoodgabby That’s a really good idea😂 As someone who isn’t religious as well, it’s weird to me that we have a… I think marriage is stupid, and will never do it. But my god, anytime I see a Kay commercial I turn into a puddle of tearsThis is the only one of the whole trend that has made sense to me
“are u ok?” no i’m an accountant
Retweeted by Uhm"i dOn'T LiKe suBTitlEs" if you can't read fast baby just say that
Retweeted by Uhm @MacinRigg Lol maybe to you😂 @MacinRigg I think you could get along with a raccoon honestly, but from my experience they are scary @MacinRigg Because they’re HORRIFYING
My mom is too tough for me, I was mad about something while on the phone with her (and because I get no sleep and c… @Samantha_sue92 😂😂😂this is like when linked in keeps trying to get me to be a software developer.I keep getting actual ads from Capital on the game I’m playing right now.. like big brother I appreciate you listen…
Having emotional needs is so embarrassing I want to be a frog
Retweeted by Uhm“are u ok?” no but i’m pretty
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Not Joe Biden saying students who attend elite colleges don’t deserve to get their debt cancelled because they’re r…
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Truly just offended that I exist at this point @degreatdelph Boot jack
@ameenda13 Confident the other side of this is how I got banned from tinder (I def deserved it) @little_critter_ His teeth when.... when... what stage of teeth @MacinRigg Well I’m glad you’re safe! It gives me all day anxiety whenever that happens to me @MacinRigg I also know I am a bad driver.... I left work early and worked from home the rest of the day so I wasn’t… would just like to remind everyone in Ohio...that it’s Ohio. &it’s winter. We know it’s going to snow. We were to…
Being an adult is so hard, because now I have to be the one to tell myself to stop reading/watching/listening to so…
I told a theatre major that I thought Hamilton was overhyped... and he told me I was disrespectful toward his caree… @amberbradley196 In all honesty I think Halloween is probably hard for people who want to have kids and haven’t yet… mom just asked if I was sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day - like no girl I have a cake and horror movies… led headlights you fucking piece of shit
Retweeted by UhmBought myself an entire cake for this weekend!!!!! @amberbradley196 AMBER NO😂😭
No need to worry, I set her straight @katielorrainee Said you don’t believe in astrologyI’m watching Sia’s movie, in order to write a detailed & chronological review (so that nobody else watches it out o…
Retweeted by UhmPeople being nice to me in any setting just feels wrong and uncomfortable. Like I know you’re just being nice but I… giving houseless ppl cash and being at peace w however they choose to spend it.
Retweeted by Uhm @theriverjordin I almost got this but they don’t deliver to me :/ @greenwoodgabby Love the profile pic💕
I’ve never had deep dish pizza, can someone shoot me some recommendations ?Out of breath from a game of ping pong at the office, I have achieved a new low
@mpesicka WHILE I LOVE AND APPRECIATE THAT!!! FRIEND ATTENTION IS NOT WHAT I MEAN GIRL 😂💕Kinda miss being in a toxic on-again off-again relationship because at least then someone paid attention to me
crime show obsessed gf psychopath bf
Retweeted by UhmNot so friendly reminder that the "foolish woman spilled hot coffee on herself and blamed mcdonalds" thing is pure…
Retweeted by UhmI hate that I am so anxious about sleeping through work that I literally have to set an alarm for a few minutes bef…
AOC isn't your friend. The podcasters you listen to aren't your friends. The people you chat with most days aren't…
Retweeted by UhmYou know how hard it is not to talk to yourself in public? 😭😭
Retweeted by Uhm"are you ok" bro i eat one meal a day at 5pm don't ask me if im ok
Retweeted by Uhm @theriverjordin @BoneDoctorJD STOP IT NO WAY! It was super recent, I am really hoping you know what I’m talking about @theriverjordin Last podcast on the left! 3 part series on it, the first one is pretty boring as it’s essentially j… @theriverjordin Horrifying, hadn’t heard of it until last week. Insane. None of the articles I’ve read cover it as… @kassaffrass Honestly tho props to you I worked from home 1 day and could not imagine doing it againI’m over my only podcast friend not knowing what I am talking about. Does anyone know about the Canadian cult, Ant Hill Kids ? @theriverjordin Stop it😂 what kind of magic do I possess. @theriverjordin YAY WE LOVE THAT. CONGRATS, I am sensing girl boy boy with a 3 and 2.5 year age gap. @theriverjordin Okay okay, I see why it would be those -doesn’t everyone have like at least 2 tho? @theriverjordin Individual lines that are like, alone? Or like the lines that go into your hand too? It’s either 2… @kassaffrass Oh I was just gonna do it in the middle of Easton and then walk back to my office 😬😂 @kassaffrass I would take lunch at a reasonable time for once to do this @kassaffrass did we ever decide on that group scream? Could very much use it right nowif i say "i hate men" and you respond "what about me" then especially you
Retweeted by UhmI’m either going insane or there are children laughing in the office right now, I’m not sure which one is more concerning...if u ruined my perception of love u owe me a valentines day gift
Retweeted by Uhm @mpesicka This is also a good take
@mpesicka GOTTA be half blood prince. It feels nowhere near over. We are like just before deathly hallows, we watch… are enough exactly as you are. You don't have to do anything extra for that to be true—it simply is.
Retweeted by UhmAnytime I hear buccaneers, all I can think of is that one Eminem song🤷🏼‍♀️here go the weekend with this haunted strip club music.
Retweeted by UhmAll I’m getting from this is that I need to get my Trilogy tattoo ASAPYou know it’s bad when my mom just texted me and said. “Omg you missed your boyfriend!” Weeknd is my candy corn. I keep seeing him live, realizing he’s terrible live, then enough time passes and I’m…
Retweeted by Uhm @Shervinskie LISTEN don’t come for my husband like that I was going through a rough time and you didn’t even live there 😂😂😂Me seeing my body type on other women:🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 Me seeing my body type on myself: 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
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Super excited to literally just check the score every quarter because I got scammed into buying super bowl squares at work
@Its_SASHA_A I like halfway did this morning :/ also just found out I could’ve seen you today but now I can’t and that makes me so sad 😭Almost drank avocado oil instead of my mikes. Cooking is going great 👍🏻😄 @katielorrainee @Connor_Van_Dyke Why do you think my door was almost always shut when we lived together 😂 @Connor_Van_Dyke See here’s the problem with that I am embarrassed about my mess, no one else can see itSend reinforcements, my mom is coming down to see me tomorrow and there’s absolutely no way I can clean my entire a…
deleted my dating apps. just gonna try shaking my ass at barnes & noble to find my soulmate
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