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Writer / Producer / Wannabe cool dad. This site is a hellscape.

479 Following   1,258 Followers   191 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/11/19


targeted ads are flattering like they think i can afford a $4,000 hand-carved console table while i'm reading an ar… https://t.co/cuJJXRHQbg
6/29
2020
Hey ladies! Any guy who doesn’t wear a mask isn’t going to wear anything else you ask him to. 🍆
6/27
2020
@izs The cognitive dissidence required to lament how "the burden of parenting is traditionally borne almost entirel… https://t.co/AnufpHJWWY @izs Area Man Discovers Raising Kids Is Actually Hard, Lashes Out At People Without Kids
6/26
2020
THREAD: as a waiter, here’s a list of things you can do to increase safety when eating at dine in restaurants: (1/11)
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/25
2020
This woman on the news just said, imagine if there was a medication that reduced your chances of getting COVID by 5… https://t.co/A4WfncIX9G
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/24
2020
And even then, they don't care, they just want to harass women.Here for this tbh https://t.co/lWEjpjMcazRepublicans don't care if you die from covid unless you're a fetus.If you think protesting racism against black people is being racist against white people then, ok yeah go ahead your brain is broken.When was the last time police pepper-sprayed members of the KKK?
Retweeted by Ally MaynardPhase 4 is literally the “We’re actually going to ignore COVID-19 from this point on” phase
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/23
2020
https://t.co/4yJmywGly7
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/22
2020
One interesting wrinkle for the government is that in order to claim elements of Bolton's book are classified, the… https://t.co/saJK0A8L6h
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI don’t know who needs to hear this but leave teenagers the fuck alone.
6/17
2020
Biden probably has dementia but throw on those aviators and Weekend At Bernie's his ass all the way through November if you have to.I don’t understand how COVID is worse than ever after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/15
2020
Pay women.
6/12
2020
Full riot gear is dorky as fuck.Racism and white supremacy is the only confirmed conspiracy that goes all the way to the top and white people are l… https://t.co/aDaZG5DHu6
Retweeted by Ally Maynard“iF we aBoLiSh thE poLiCe how wiLl wE sOlvE mUrDers?” White women with podcasts, Steven.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/9
2020
"SHE WAS DANCING WITH COPS" https://t.co/7gKF1mqOv4
Retweeted by Ally MaynardTurns out the stock markets are the real fake news.
6/6
2020
How are you gonna say All Lives Matter when just two months ago you wanted to sacrifice your grandma for the economy?
Retweeted by Ally Maynardi see people saying “don’t gay shame lindsey graham” lol why would anyone shame him being gay and hiring male escor… https://t.co/QF4yRW1Nxs
Retweeted by Ally Maynardnot to be controversial but white supremacy fucking sucksThe city of Columbus is reviewing the death of an Ohio State graduate, Sarah Grossman, who died after being exposed… https://t.co/uVAKWCUNsF
Retweeted by Ally MaynardRT if you’ve played animal crossing new horizons for more hours than police go through training https://t.co/a92qkRXRq2
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI actually don't think anybody should fuck the police. No sex for them.Imagine you’re fighting nazis and some dude was like “what i’m proposing is nazi reform”
Retweeted by Ally MaynardIT TOOK ALL 50 STATES, THE AMISH, KPOP STANS, 13 OTHER COUNTRIES, WITCHES, ANONYMOUS, THE LGBT COMMUNITY, CELEBRITI… https://t.co/JqggZ8JxQ8
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThe guy who ran on “LOCK HER UP!” is barricaded and surrounded by armed guards.
6/5
2020
Antifa is an organization in the same way that "people who hate the Dave Mathews Band" is an organization
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/4
2020
Don’t even talk to me if you’re not an anti-fascist.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI want the national guard to arrest the looters in the white house
Retweeted by Ally MaynardWhy are people scared of the riots and looting? The flu kills way more people every year.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard @chrislhayes What's 'cosplay' about arresting journalists?At some point authoritarian cosplay becomes actual authoritarianism.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard94% of US public school teachers regularly spend their own money on school supplies. when was the last time you hea… https://t.co/tuTll8VbOm
Retweeted by Ally Maynardif you think the police are a necessary evil bc they protect people from violent crimes, go talk to any woman who h… https://t.co/4ZjKp9ls9Q
Retweeted by Ally MaynardLive - #GeorgeFloyd Peaceful Protests in Downtown Houston https://t.co/TvzdSnloEN
Retweeted by Ally MaynardHere is the crowd at Barclay’s Center that the Mayor is planning to impose a curfew on in 30 minutes. Take a listen… https://t.co/gEoYutHpgC
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/3
2020
One of the most remarkable things to watch over the last few days has been the slow, reluctant acquiescence of the… https://t.co/0rGHwIML4E
Retweeted by Ally MaynardReminder. https://t.co/223q2N7DuG
Retweeted by Ally MaynardIn two days I went from defending @MayorOfLA for his coronavirus response to getting excited to vote him out of office.You can’t get a COVID-19 test in Hollywood right now the government is only offering tear gas.Don’t forget what an extraordinarly low bar the police are failing to pass. Just stop killing black people. What an… https://t.co/BcP97ix1vQ
Retweeted by Ally MaynardCops are straight up like, we’ll fucking kill you if you keep saying that we kill people
Retweeted by Ally Maynardthe state of minnesota vs. the minnesota police department. it’s happening hell yes https://t.co/cuBin3xRay
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI can’t believe someone as ugly and unattractive as Trump would think a photo-op would help him.Don’t even talk to me if you’re not an anti-fascist.Y’all can understand a white kid shooting up a school cuz he was bullied after 4 months of school but don’t underst… https://t.co/rlYrGkSZXk
Retweeted by Ally MaynardApparently all you have to do to get the police to protect you is be an empty Starbucks.america is very lucky that black people want equality and not revenge
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThere are military tanks guarding the Footlocker on Hollywood Blvd.It's nice to see our government finally stepping up and protecting the malls. @tedcruz you're an idiot for not impeaching him when you had the chanceIM DRIVING DOWN HOLLYWOOD BLVD AND THEY ARE JUST WAITING! This is so scary please try and tell me the us isn’t wagi… https://t.co/agl7IA0PfJ
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
6/2
2020
When is the Hennepin County medical examiner getting fired?It’s good to watch the government be afraid. If you don’t serve your people you ought to fear your people.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardVocal about the looting; Silent about the Murder. I see y’all.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThey broke into the Oakland Zoo. Now u KNOW that's white people cause we ain't messing with no damn animals
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThanks for letting us know at 5:15 there’s a curfew starting at 6pm. It’s 5:35 and we tried to rush out and get d… https://t.co/lzsaGZAAYK
6/1
2020
ten minutes on twitter and I am so goddamn mad I can’t believe I used to do this all the time hang in there guys holy shit
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI bet Canada feels like they live in the Apartment above a Meth Lab right about now..
Retweeted by Ally MaynardDon’t worry, America is just invading America to bring democracy to America
Retweeted by Ally MaynardIn retrospect maybe it wasn’t the best idea to give all the worst people from your high school military equipment a… https://t.co/k1eKJNTJl8
Retweeted by Ally MaynardIf you had any doubt about America’s priorities, here’s how the people killing us are equipped vs the people keepin… https://t.co/m6urkTP8qh
Retweeted by Ally MaynardOld white people keep talking about property being destroyed in total horror forgetting that millennials and zoomers don’t own property.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI don’t want y’all fighting because y’all hate cops I want y’all fighting because you love black lives
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI tweeted “Fuck white supremacists” and it is somehow my most controversial tweet.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
5/31
2020
Well I’m not exactly sure what this pandemic has done to me mentally but I now listen to the Eagles.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
5/26
2020
ten minutes on twitter and I am so goddamn mad I can’t believe I used to do this all the time hang in there guys holy shitHe would think your gun is stupid.If Jesus came back today his believers would 100% call him a pussy libtard.
5/23
2020
Look me in the fucking eyes and tell me how boats work
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
5/22
2020
Once more. And for the love of god listen. Donald Trump hasn't failed in fighting the pandemic. He isn't intereste… https://t.co/LOkzeN5bUy
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThat mook in Costco saying he didn't have to wear a mask inside of someone else's place of business because "I woke… https://t.co/J8Mhzqu3I4
Retweeted by Ally MaynardAll of us could benefit from 10% less of "how is this all affecting ME?"
5/21
2020
"I won't wear a mask because I'm not a pussy" but also "I need an assault rifle at Applebee's" is quite the philosophy.
5/20
2020
americans are treating coronavirus like I treat my period— pretending it’s finished when it is obviously not!
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThis shutdown saga is exposing who's never been told "no" in their life.
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
5/19
2020
she’s not “praying on your downfall” bro, she’s reporting you for sexual assault
Retweeted by Ally MaynardVote.
Retweeted by Ally Maynardthis is what I've been doing instead of tweeting https://t.co/8gorCH9Q9w
5/15
2020
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there. https://t.co/gAjAqxI1p2
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5/8
2020
? https://t.co/JS8H8mkQaa
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4/30
2020
Having the Blue Angels fly over the city for healthcare workers is like when I ask my husband for help around the h… https://t.co/EHqYgc0BR2
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
4/28
2020
I’m locked out of my dogs Facebook account that i created in 2010 and they won’t let me back in unless I send over… https://t.co/FhSDRRd8gs
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
4/27
2020
The #ReopenNC folks are a special kind of stupid. https://t.co/SneHjI6wZ6
Retweeted by Ally MaynardI mean you have to admit it's hilarious that the people who have spent their entire lives stockpiling beans & ammo… https://t.co/8iZ7yzftGz
Retweeted by Ally Maynard @miguelmarquez Ask them what their jobs they're dying to get back to areWell I officially just got layed off of my job at Redbox so Im finally allowed to say yes there is a person inside… https://t.co/slVNYOm5Ek
Retweeted by Ally Maynard
4/20
2020
We have seen, and will continue to see, that you can’t gaslight a virus.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardAnne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery &… https://t.co/r2VVRRnxoG
Retweeted by Ally MaynardThis is why you do not fuck with an Italian from New York. https://t.co/M0qlfBh4iM
Retweeted by Ally MaynardWhy aren’t these “protestors” being arrested for defying state emergency orders and endangering public health? Las… https://t.co/k6atgjhfZQWatching people pretend that these demonstrations are spontaneous is proof that we never learn anything from anything.
Retweeted by Ally MaynardTwo weeks apart: https://t.co/d8zpNQ3vTe
4/18
2020

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