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🎶I ain’t no follow back girl🎶 I am only funny in person, so I might be in the wrong place.

2,190 Following   3,877 Followers   31,260 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/12/11


a lot of people prefer smooth, but I'll take chunky criminal any day
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI'm not saying I'm old but I still own a box of Pogs
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestBiden : Don't listen to them, you don't even smell like Caramel... Kamala:
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest @adamgreattweet Unicorns. Because why not?If you were president and had a button on your desk that could summon anything, what would that thing be?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMe: For a woman who knows every word to No Scrubs by heart, I sure have, in fact, dated almost exclusively scrubs.… https://t.co/LYqMBPn8yD
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI don’t have the kind of counter space thats required in the contract to own an air fryer.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest🥝NZ Friday Tweet Call🥝 It's Friday in NZ so send me one tweet from you and/or a friend for some Kiwi McLovin Week… https://t.co/373OLbHSkw
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI accidentally signed up for Amazon Primus, and now all my packages route through South Park.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesthey kids a little tip - dont eat alcohol for dinner like i just did
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestpros of twitter cons of twitter Fun Life is in shambles
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestLove is... making a ‘fake your own death’ plan, but never putting it into effect
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy marriage was funny in the way my ex didn't really want me going out with my friends so I stayed home but definit… https://t.co/gKIuRUkcgO
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy last one, I promise. (I promise nothing) https://t.co/fh9qHZZmcT
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest[stand-up in the not so distant future] me: you guys ever notice how left brains walk like this 😤 but right brains… https://t.co/O3bsHsU3xl
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestFirst base: kissing Second base: hand stuff Third base: sharing a raw brick of Velveeta from both ends Lady and the Tramp style
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestPizza Cupcakes: *pic below
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesti was just told i have the personality of someone who needs glasses. what does that even mean
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy law school loans are now old enough to start looking at colleges.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestFrench press is just regular press that smokes skinny cigarettes and loves Jerry Lewis films.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy toddler was desperate to help make dinner but there was nothing for her to do, so to make a long story short, to… https://t.co/dmwOvLuo8r
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesttime is a flat circle, but so are tortillas, and you don't see *them* being all mysterious about it
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesti bought a schrödinger's cat on ebay but now the seller is saying they have no way to tell whether or not they shipped it
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy daughter said my hair "looks like clown hair"...so I guess I've got that going for me.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMe: what’s the weather like? Mom: just open the door and find out Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of air… https://t.co/MbThrtgy9W
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI get Botox so I don’t look surprised when giving blow jobs.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI feel like sharing another story tonight, so here’s one entitled: White Elephant and the Rainbow Dick Pop.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThe opposite of doomscrolling is moodscrolling
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMe: I want to be loved for who I am as a person. Also me: Tell me I’m pretty, damn it!
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest[Power cut happens] Gwyneth Paltrow: great I'll get the candles Everyone else: *immediately* oh no please let's just sit here in darkness
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestA Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesttwitter: introducing fleets they’re like snaps, we even kept the timer, but… https://t.co/MjPn2EljKT
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestWhat fresh hell is this?! Are people putting this in their coffee or just in some Mountain Dew?! https://t.co/AcxpX2jUR7
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestNetflix didn’t have to hit this hard https://t.co/Zy01byHBSM
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest[Terminator Academy] Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude. Insecurminator: oh no!
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestTechnically, "The Weeknd" is missing an mc².
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestFind someone who looks at you the way a troll looks at the reply option on a popular tweet.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestBroke: Muting porn to not disturb roommate Smoke: Wearing headphones to watch porn because roommate Woke: Connect… https://t.co/yZtTJCqITR
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest
1/22
2021
Do people really, really like onions or am I a child?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestjon: thanks for looking after my cat. just a heads up, he sleeps a lot me: makes sense jon: and he hates monday… https://t.co/zqCAAjbVn7
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestSometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name, but klezmer karaoke and the city automobile impound lot are closed on weekends.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI called someone by the wrong name ALL day today and it wasn’t until my drive home that I realized it. I feel awful… https://t.co/5EksEljJhl
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestIf you’re hot and dumb, everyday feels like it’s the weekend
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestTurns out the guy with the nickname The Night Stalker was a bad guy... Not some teen who worked third shift at the grocery store
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest6 is explaining a joke to me from the movie we’re watching and I can’t help but think she’ll be a great reply guy one day
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestwhat's your most embarrassing nickname and is worse than Sammy Sausage?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestoh, you like dragons? imagine all of them.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest“Nobody deserves to be murdered” - me being interviewed on a true crime show
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI may not be the demure, Nepali bride my future mother-in-law had hoped for, but I will look fucking stunning in my… https://t.co/oiuOGLI5f3
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestEverybody used to be working for the weekend. Now we're just working for the takeout and the streaming services.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestChild: I need help with my homework. Also the child: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO IT
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestIf you have anxiety, just remember that everyone secretly hates you
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestLike 50 of my mutuals: I'm just trying to finish this before pilot season. Me: *watching the skies* wtf now, global warming
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestKid: How do I write today’s date? Me: 1 dot 21 do.. Doc Brown *kicks down door*: Did someone say 1.21 Gigawatts??
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMight eff around and start tweeting typos on purpose.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy husband leaves his weekday alarms on on the weekend and I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for divorce
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestI'm a genius. Just a really stupid one.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThem Bernie memes are killing me You guys are so creative, why are you depressed?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestCan’t. Busy walking my pet peeves
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestCan’t. Currently sorting my car napkin collection by color.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestof COURSE Bernie wears mittens, they're socialist - they let the fingers share the warmth. Capitalists prefer each… https://t.co/9cBDunpXRs
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestwonder if buffy ever passed her diva cup to angel so he could have a little snack
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMatched with a girl on Tinder. Her bio says “be my daddy” so I changed mine to “brb going out for cigarettes.”
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestme: ok my money is now safe advisor: what did you do with it? me: i bought a large garage full of uber cars advi… https://t.co/32hGikDtEv
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWesttexting men over 27 is like texting a dad that doesnt realize hes being rude does anyone else feel this?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestbut do you piss people off just by existing though?
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestslenderman is just a goth gumby.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestYou know what would have made the movie Titanic even better? Kevin Bacon riding the iceberg.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThe Willenium Falcon did the Carlton run in 12 jazzyjeffs
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestWhen I was a kid I used to pour my pop really quickly so that I could drink all the fizz. Now that I'm older and wi… https://t.co/NASp6ZhIFQ
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThe new "Weekend at Bernie's" sequel looks rubbish. https://t.co/u8bwA732LW
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestApparently someone else thought of this joke as well. Damn searches are hard for photos. So go like his https://t.co/qZIuY33TtG“I need a strong man to make me feel safe” girl, I am tiny, please learn karate
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestBernie Fett https://t.co/oUM27GjZ59
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestAge is just a number... number of pounds you want to lose
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestExperts: If you want to be better at something, surround yourself with those that excel at that activity. *surroun… https://t.co/hoYxPkWCyT
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest @ContestThursday Happy Thursday https://t.co/fai55AIDY2Talking about the animals present in the room when the group conversation hits a dead-end is the polite aperitif be… https://t.co/nTw88Hgu4Y
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestYou could interchange the uses of mayonnaise and Vick’s vapour rub with each other and you would never notice the difference.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestif you really wanna crush someone’s soul, wish them a happy weekend on a tuesday
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMedical care is free in Britain because women kept hearing "Babies are ten thousand pounds" and then refused to have any
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThat game where you race by using a straw to blow paper boats across water except several guys just shoot their jiz… https://t.co/936ScHrJs8
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest"I'm not depressed" I lie as I play moody songs on my violin while wearing ratty pjs in my dark apartment
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestHi I'm demented, please still love me https://t.co/IUjSQYErzO
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest"Like, I'm gonna zoink!" https://t.co/NHcIGKV1Hh
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMe: I don't perform well under pressure Entire karaoke bar: You don't perform Under Pressure well either
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestThere are at least six ways in which you can become almost permanently stuck in a wetsuit Don’t ask me how I know this
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestparkour, but it's just me dodging puddles of urine on the floor of the men's room
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest”It's only mansplaining if you already know the information” a man just ‘splained to me
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMy mom likes to keep me humble by occasionally saying “I don’t think you’re funny”
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestme: *taking a bite from a geode* this rock candy is terrible
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest*In Paris McDonald’s* Me: Can I get a....Royale with Cheese? *Clerk hands me a Quarter Pounder with Cheese* Me, whispering: Holy shit.
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestLoverboy: 🎶 Everybody's workin for the weekend 🎶 The Weeknd: 🎶 GET BACK TO WORK 🎶 Loverboy: 🎶 Yes, boss 🎶
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestMarriage: Share a bank account but not the bed covers
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestLet me know if someone already dropped something similar. https://t.co/ewLZO77dDp[googles "how to stop being an idiot"] google: no results me: damn, google. harsh
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest @RodLacroix This was the first to get over 1k. As viral as I get 😂 https://t.co/ytgINdDEsu @Theropologist Happy Thursday https://t.co/5gA35Aa7ruYou know that dance in the nineties called “The Urkel”? I’ve invented something similar, except it has a practical… https://t.co/foqbIEbHhW
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWestBar fight choose your weapon
Retweeted by wicked bitch of the MWest
1/21
2021

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