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Standup. Late nite writer. Podcast- Jackie and Laurie Show. Future Buddhist. CONAN set: https://t.co/yOJoBtziWe

5,317 Following   107,483 Followers   91,984 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/4/07


@joshgondelman stunning. I'm proud to call you a friend.oh... @IvanaTrump 👇👇👇 https://t.co/NdEROevwCjSadly, this is not a sponsored post. https://t.co/U0hFl03M5T
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @joshgondelman omggg! @sharonhambrick would make it all even more bittersweet for the Iraqis, right?Weeks before the election, the Democratic National Committee spent over $300,000 to purchase copies of a book writt… https://t.co/HCYmC3xbWu @redjwood @ChloeSuzanne_ same. Maybe the same people put them there @MaryLynnRajskub 😜😜😜Gotta be bittersweet for Iraqis that Americans are using airplanes to commit one 9/11 per day.Ooooh these pics 💔 https://t.co/NdKmqMUTCkLetitia Wright’s publicist right now https://t.co/iAmFrJVJTV
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @TribalSpaceCat Omg @MayorOfLA @FrancisSuarez @ankurjain_2 Not enough @anylaurie16 @GovAbbott Absolutely! It’s important to monitor your oxygen via a pulse oximeter. Below 93% percent is concerning!
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Cleavon_MD @GovAbbott Thanks for responding, and tweeting! ❤️❤️❤️ @Cleavon_MD @GovAbbott Hi, do you think he would’ve had a better shot at surviving if they’d gotten him to the hosp… https://t.co/r8S7gm6sb6 @yarbsalocin @MarthaKelly3 @GavinWax @NYYRC She knows that, we all do.Can one go out in a blaze of obscurity?
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin“They tried a variety of home remedies such as vitamin C, zinc and other supplements, but nothing helped.” https://t.co/l8gq8qJGEUThe Pfizer vaccine must be kept at the absolute most freezing temperatures, so I guess the only option is to have i… https://t.co/ddrdOeEqV7
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinJust finished watching #VinlandSaga w/son. It’s SO GOOD, on Amazon Prime.I am raising money for animal rescue charities by selling all the memorabilia I saved from my time working on the 8… https://t.co/pSIw8avbbs
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Geulah_ Crazy, thanks!Oh my god I was just watching ESPN and trump pardoned the interruption
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @nypost she looks like this happened to her too.popcorn https://t.co/eMyaAvblgg @mercnews omfg how is this still happening at nursing homes.agree! https://t.co/eDdxfEQvXf"Joe Biden says Hunter won't work any jobs" https://t.co/bSMHY1Raln @JenKirkman I mean, what does "daughter of a COVID victim" mean anymore! WHO ISN'T @KatyOregon @alanou I mean... @alanou I mean, it's been done.wow, when my mom died in June, she was special. Now, she's just 1 of 276,000. Maybe you hacks should stop copying her? @tomsegura good luck! My thoughts are with @ChristinaP 🍼🍼🍼 @nickkroll omg that's awesome @MrEmilyHeller Why is your whole family talentedYour headline writer needs a day off. https://t.co/VhubhYtYoP @OskarCarlG @queeralamode Heck yeah!Whoa https://t.co/7o1ythQOrdThis side-by-side is jaw-dropping. https://t.co/1e4ls2qZOX
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @robacci82 yup!
12/4
2020
People trying to find something wrong with #TheQueensGambit never mention there’s no assault, incest, guns, blood,… https://t.co/IyYVJkImM9
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinCelebrate Pearl Harbor Day wit this sick lineup! https://t.co/H2yk4YTK75 @queenalmamarie LOTTA co-morbidities in your fam, good luck!Zoom show in 45 minutes! 3 PM/6 PM! https://t.co/1u9dx7ufohVery suspicious activity #COVID19 https://t.co/QpiTAGatJk
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ECMcLaughlin Omg @Diraccone @jackiekashian @mariabamfoo @melissavcomedy @aparnapkin @taylorgarron @FlappersComedy I’m sorry, it’s not being recorded!I just read that wearing a face mask will thicken your dick. Can’t find the article but let people know!Friend had brain surgery over the weekend at a major hospital in major city, where she has deep ties. They sent h… https://t.co/lfksK2qsFl
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinIts buy things for other people month! https://t.co/Os5jxfhej6 @morgan_murphy Omg your liquor area!After Trump dies, I’m gonna tell people this is a photo from his funeral: https://t.co/xMChQDI3nyi’m begging hollywood to stop making nicole kidman try accents. let her be. let her rest
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ashleyn1cole Go out a winner!Remember that time Martha Stewart went to prison? It was for less than this. https://t.co/IEQUuhfv9w
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinGarcetti’s new stay at home order for Los Angeles: https://t.co/4ruOcgma8B
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @maggieserota PerfectHere’s to tweeting through it. https://t.co/nzw13Lpoye
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinFor the next person who says 99.9% of people survive COVID, 15% survive because they were hospitalized first. https://t.co/kM7EL6ERbnI'm asking all my fans to boycot my influential Telemundo sketch show "Ay Caramba!" which is streaming on the Telem… https://t.co/NYVNHtmHbi
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ArielleZadok that wasn’t the case.the scorched earth energy of this.......aspirational https://t.co/FxvmKyH8cU
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Brandazzle @KTLA @MayorOfLA Is it possible they wrote this intentionally stupid so that cops would understand they… https://t.co/eYM6v1seLkprobably take my first guitar lesson https://t.co/2l2mBhy1rT
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @alilucomedy She’s always been the coolest person, since I met her freshman year of high school @andreituru @JamieLeeLardner @nypost Gross @ActualJimDavid Hi Jim! @MollyJongFast which district did this to us @jackiekashian @LaaaurenT save this!Yo Bay Area, if you’re ANYWHERE near Vacaville, my friend’s lavender and olive farm is giving a pop up store on Dec… https://t.co/QKojkrS3oZany history of COVID-19 in the US should really start off with an anecdote about how the chernobyl miniseries came… https://t.co/V4XsXsJWXq
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @BetBet1983 @mindykaling @VOGUEIndia @KatieGreenthal I just learned to read yesterday. But that’s ALSO AMAZINGPresident Hillary Clinton’s tweets and statements after losing the election have caused some local and state Democr… https://t.co/4SpYnNduis @mindykaling @VOGUEIndia @KatieGreenthal You’re. 7 1/2 months there? Unreal, you look great.Yesterday, President Hillary Clinton's daughter Chelsea was deposed so she could speak about her role in the misuse… https://t.co/gxDleReRzSuh... pic of the harasser, not the teen victim? https://t.co/dqVmpdncudStandup comedy TONIGHT! Zoom it up ppl! https://t.co/iMpYBdj2d6 @valerie_tosi wait, they almost got divorced a week ago?Moved to tears by this piece by Reed Bmore. Elijah McClain above Denver with his violin and kitty. Rest beautiful s… https://t.co/Cxgjv7loFY
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin
12/3
2020
David Perdue trades more than I tweet.artists getting tagged in spotify wrapped lists after missing out an entire year’s income from no touring https://t.co/QSJO6AiDyk
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinTrump putting the "most important speech he's ever made" directly on Facebook sure reveals how important he sees th… https://t.co/PCf8WaMjGa
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinWhat if strippers used glitter to demonstrate how contagious COVID is? @bonniemcfarlane Also, a guy bonks your head against a wall 10 times, and as he’s leaving, instead of being relieve… https://t.co/cnCci57y6p @bonniemcfarlane Elena lives in Harlem, Nicole lives on the UES, and she went on a 40 block walk and accidentally s… https://t.co/BoBJIYHbyCPresident Hillary Clinton’s former NSA is advising her to enact martial law and hold a new election. @KayaJones @realDonaldTrump She’s his Third Lady hon @BLeisner Michelle on line 1, Meghan on 2.Aerial photograph looking south over Manhattan, circa 1931. https://t.co/sZ700xJpup
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinFun fact, this guy’s name is why I decided to take Spanish. https://t.co/qFaHOZqWQZImagine pitching your script to a former POTUS and if he passes, the Duke of Sussex. @DawsonTracy @jackiekashian @mariabamfoo @melissavcomedy @aparnapkin @taylorgarron @FlappersComedy I’m sure @FlappersComedy is on it!Look what one man did with his 86 years on this planet. Amazing. https://t.co/KUzRdACVRN @professorhazard @jwindz I’m good with both!Not enough! https://t.co/5ll1TDfLjGUmmmm can you handle this lineup? https://t.co/yaaXzGIxuqWHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THE 250 MILLION PERSON GENERAL STRIKE IN INDIA WHAT THE FUCK
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinOn NPR this AM, there was a story about a dad who didn’t want his COVID-sick daughter to recover across country alo… https://t.co/UCVOJc5L9QJust a friendly reminder that I have a youtube channel. Please subscribe so I can have over 1k subscribers. I'm 60… https://t.co/Vs0zsZktGM
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin
12/2
2020

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