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Standup. Late nite writer. Podcast- Jackie and Laurie Show. Future Buddhist. CONAN set:

5,317 Following   107,483 Followers   91,984 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/4/07

@joshgondelman stunning. I'm proud to call you a friend.oh... @IvanaTrump 👇👇👇, this is not a sponsored post.
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @joshgondelman omggg! @sharonhambrick would make it all even more bittersweet for the Iraqis, right?Weeks before the election, the Democratic National Committee spent over $300,000 to purchase copies of a book writt… @redjwood @ChloeSuzanne_ same. Maybe the same people put them there @MaryLynnRajskub 😜😜😜Gotta be bittersweet for Iraqis that Americans are using airplanes to commit one 9/11 per day.Ooooh these pics 💔 Wright’s publicist right now
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @TribalSpaceCat Omg @MayorOfLA @FrancisSuarez @ankurjain_2 Not enough @anylaurie16 @GovAbbott Absolutely! It’s important to monitor your oxygen via a pulse oximeter. Below 93% percent is concerning!
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Cleavon_MD @GovAbbott Thanks for responding, and tweeting! ❤️❤️❤️ @Cleavon_MD @GovAbbott Hi, do you think he would’ve had a better shot at surviving if they’d gotten him to the hosp… @yarbsalocin @MarthaKelly3 @GavinWax @NYYRC She knows that, we all do.Can one go out in a blaze of obscurity?
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin“They tried a variety of home remedies such as vitamin C, zinc and other supplements, but nothing helped.” Pfizer vaccine must be kept at the absolute most freezing temperatures, so I guess the only option is to have i…
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinJust finished watching #VinlandSaga w/son. It’s SO GOOD, on Amazon Prime.I am raising money for animal rescue charities by selling all the memorabilia I saved from my time working on the 8…
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Geulah_ Crazy, thanks!Oh my god I was just watching ESPN and trump pardoned the interruption
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @nypost she looks like this happened to her too.popcorn @mercnews omfg how is this still happening at nursing homes.agree!"Joe Biden says Hunter won't work any jobs" @JenKirkman I mean, what does "daughter of a COVID victim" mean anymore! WHO ISN'T @KatyOregon @alanou I mean... @alanou I mean, it's been, when my mom died in June, she was special. Now, she's just 1 of 276,000. Maybe you hacks should stop copying her? @tomsegura good luck! My thoughts are with @ChristinaP 🍼🍼🍼 @nickkroll omg that's awesome @MrEmilyHeller Why is your whole family talentedYour headline writer needs a day off. @OskarCarlG @queeralamode Heck yeah!Whoa side-by-side is jaw-dropping.
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @robacci82 yup!
People trying to find something wrong with #TheQueensGambit never mention there’s no assault, incest, guns, blood,…
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinCelebrate Pearl Harbor Day wit this sick lineup! @queenalmamarie LOTTA co-morbidities in your fam, good luck!Zoom show in 45 minutes! 3 PM/6 PM! suspicious activity #COVID19
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ECMcLaughlin Omg @Diraccone @jackiekashian @mariabamfoo @melissavcomedy @aparnapkin @taylorgarron @FlappersComedy I’m sorry, it’s not being recorded!I just read that wearing a face mask will thicken your dick. Can’t find the article but let people know!Friend had brain surgery over the weekend at a major hospital in major city, where she has deep ties. They sent h…
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinIts buy things for other people month! @morgan_murphy Omg your liquor area!After Trump dies, I’m gonna tell people this is a photo from his funeral:’m begging hollywood to stop making nicole kidman try accents. let her be. let her rest
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ashleyn1cole Go out a winner!Remember that time Martha Stewart went to prison? It was for less than this.
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinGarcetti’s new stay at home order for Los Angeles:
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @maggieserota PerfectHere’s to tweeting through it.
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinFor the next person who says 99.9% of people survive COVID, 15% survive because they were hospitalized first.'m asking all my fans to boycot my influential Telemundo sketch show "Ay Caramba!" which is streaming on the Telem…
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @ArielleZadok that wasn’t the case.the scorched earth energy of this.......aspirational
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @Brandazzle @KTLA @MayorOfLA Is it possible they wrote this intentionally stupid so that cops would understand they… take my first guitar lesson
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @alilucomedy She’s always been the coolest person, since I met her freshman year of high school @andreituru @JamieLeeLardner @nypost Gross @ActualJimDavid Hi Jim! @MollyJongFast which district did this to us @jackiekashian @LaaaurenT save this!Yo Bay Area, if you’re ANYWHERE near Vacaville, my friend’s lavender and olive farm is giving a pop up store on Dec… history of COVID-19 in the US should really start off with an anecdote about how the chernobyl miniseries came…
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin @BetBet1983 @mindykaling @VOGUEIndia @KatieGreenthal I just learned to read yesterday. But that’s ALSO AMAZINGPresident Hillary Clinton’s tweets and statements after losing the election have caused some local and state Democr… @mindykaling @VOGUEIndia @KatieGreenthal You’re. 7 1/2 months there? Unreal, you look great.Yesterday, President Hillary Clinton's daughter Chelsea was deposed so she could speak about her role in the misuse… pic of the harasser, not the teen victim? comedy TONIGHT! Zoom it up ppl! @valerie_tosi wait, they almost got divorced a week ago?Moved to tears by this piece by Reed Bmore. Elijah McClain above Denver with his violin and kitty. Rest beautiful s…
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin
David Perdue trades more than I tweet.artists getting tagged in spotify wrapped lists after missing out an entire year’s income from no touring
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinTrump putting the "most important speech he's ever made" directly on Facebook sure reveals how important he sees th…
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinWhat if strippers used glitter to demonstrate how contagious COVID is? @bonniemcfarlane Also, a guy bonks your head against a wall 10 times, and as he’s leaving, instead of being relieve… @bonniemcfarlane Elena lives in Harlem, Nicole lives on the UES, and she went on a 40 block walk and accidentally s… Hillary Clinton’s former NSA is advising her to enact martial law and hold a new election. @KayaJones @realDonaldTrump She’s his Third Lady hon @BLeisner Michelle on line 1, Meghan on 2.Aerial photograph looking south over Manhattan, circa 1931.
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinFun fact, this guy’s name is why I decided to take Spanish. pitching your script to a former POTUS and if he passes, the Duke of Sussex. @DawsonTracy @jackiekashian @mariabamfoo @melissavcomedy @aparnapkin @taylorgarron @FlappersComedy I’m sure @FlappersComedy is on it!Look what one man did with his 86 years on this planet. Amazing. @professorhazard @jwindz I’m good with both!Not enough! can you handle this lineup? IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THE 250 MILLION PERSON GENERAL STRIKE IN INDIA WHAT THE FUCK
Retweeted by Laurie KilmartinOn NPR this AM, there was a story about a dad who didn’t want his COVID-sick daughter to recover across country alo… a friendly reminder that I have a youtube channel. Please subscribe so I can have over 1k subscribers. I'm 60…
Retweeted by Laurie Kilmartin