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@eleniZarro is Tahani to my Eleanor 💜☀️🎧🐎⚡

1,722 Following   3,287 Followers   29,302 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/26/15

my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”
Retweeted by Couchy BSpecial "read" for my Tweet Call winner. If you weren't already, everyone should follow @AtRichieK . He inspired…
Retweeted by Couchy B @eleniZarro @girlwit0filter Is true, am friend and enemy of some birdsTerence stamp, but only when Terence angry.
Retweeted by Couchy BI don't trust people who like birds
Retweeted by Couchy B @dadthatwrites @Tobi_Is_Fab Can't believe I missed this banger when it was freshMy little dog hates getting a bath so when I take a bath, he runs & rams the door to pop it open & then skids to a…
Retweeted by Couchy B @IamEveryDayPpl ❤️ @_stylr Hold on, I gotta call bullshit real quick you can’t figure out which sibling would be forgotten at home, it’s you.
Retweeted by Couchy BThe picture of the happy mom, in the super clean kitchen, baking the perfect holiday cookies with her neatly dresse…
Retweeted by Couchy B @writeden makes a zealot like having to park at an airport Z lot.
Retweeted by Couchy B @Tobi_Is_Fab 👈👉 Is the emoji version of SPATCHCOCK Thanks for coming to my TED TalkI can’t be the only one who hears “spatchcock” and automatically imagines a spatula for a penis. Raise your hand i…
Retweeted by Couchy B @eleniZarro @_stylr @janehilll @Vhalechark Neiman NarcsusI gotta stop waiting so long to eat each day, it can't be normal to not even flinch when you bite your own finger i…🎶Chess knots row sting yawning dopey fryer Shack flossed knee pain apple knows You'll tie Daryl's brie ends slung b…
Retweeted by Couchy B*is awake for a little bit* That’s enough of that
Retweeted by Couchy B @mxmclain shook out a pair of sweatpants while folding laundry and smacked myself in the face with the drawstrings, so yeah, very graceful.
Retweeted by Couchy BAdmittedly, there is a little D.B. Cooper in all of us.
Retweeted by Couchy BSuper cool to reach 5,000 of you telling jokes. Tweet Call! I’ll take your tweets about the weekend, your dysfunc…
Retweeted by Couchy BIt’s time for an intervention. My husband is addicted to free dirt and it’s driving our family for miles and miles.
Retweeted by Couchy B“I’m a top!” “I’m a bottom!” But they’re living in the same house?! This Thursday on FOX check out...
Retweeted by Couchy Bwhy would i look at a picture when i could simply read a thousand words
Retweeted by Couchy BHaving kids seems like a good idea then you witness one gnawing their toenails off with their teeth
Retweeted by Couchy BMy decision making skills? Before I met my husband, I dated more than one felon, at least one demon, and three gay men.
Retweeted by Couchy BHer: you named your socks? Me: yeah, this is Tube-a Gooding Jr, this is Motley Crew, and this is Dwayne the Johnso…
Retweeted by Couchy BWife: what are you so excited for? Me: it’s weekend twitter Wife: *leans in real close* ʷʰʸ ᵃʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵘᶜʰ ᵃ ˡᵒˢᵉʳ﹖
Retweeted by Couchy BHarry Potter: *pumping gas* selecto petroleum
Retweeted by Couchy BMe: dude, she showed up for the date looking like hot garbage Oscar the Grouch: so did you fuck her?
Retweeted by Couchy BMe: *violently shaking Swedish Chef* bork isn’t even a real ingredient you raggedy ass motherfu-
Retweeted by Couchy B @eleniZarro @janehilll @Vhalechark Holy crap it's still the weekend? Narc @eleniZarro 🔥🔥🔥getting a taste of your own medicine is what happens when you go to a pill party and nobody else shows up
Retweeted by Couchy Bmom: what'd you get? me, 11 years old after purchasing my second ever compact disc: it's Lit
Retweeted by Couchy BYou can be a reply guy without being a fucking creep. I've seen it done.
Retweeted by Couchy BPop it, lock it, and stop it before you hurt yourself
Retweeted by Couchy BEat your friend's toast but your enemy's toaster
Retweeted by Couchy BGeorge R. R. Martin’s favorite song is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield
Retweeted by Couchy B @perlhack Damnit Nate[first date] her: rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 me: i'm probably a Nate
Retweeted by Couchy B @writeden[news station] Reporter: And now for the weather! Annie? Annie: Well it’s gonna be grey Reporter: Bring your u…
Retweeted by Couchy BThe major difference between a mountain lion and a regular lion is that a mountain lion has a winch on his jeep.
Retweeted by Couchy Bthem: let's do something sometime me: I'd rather not them: but I JUST asked if you wanted to be friends.. you sm…
Retweeted by Couchy BPpl dont fake depression they fake being ok...remember that
Retweeted by Couchy BDAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Older male lions of the Serengetti will often be killed in battle by a younger more aggressive…
Retweeted by Couchy BLeaf blowers but for people who are standing too close to me in the checkout line.
Retweeted by Couchy B"If you love something, let it go." me: [fighting back tears] *throws a fresh, piping hot pepperoni pizza in the dumpster*
Retweeted by Couchy BLet me wrap my long legs around your waist and let's do this thing. ~me tandum skydiving, Probably?
Retweeted by Couchy B @frankieplsrelax ❤️good morning to everyone who woke up and cried because the weight of being alive is incredibly overwhelming
Retweeted by Couchy BSunday mornings are perfect for sipping your favorite coffee as you take in the horror of it all, then curl into a…
Retweeted by Couchy BGrandma: (does anything) Me: can I joke about this on Twitter? Grandma: what is a Twitter? Me: thank you, one more thing to post...
Retweeted by Couchy Bme, to family: do you guys follow me on Twitter? I want to know if I can make fun of you or not
Retweeted by Couchy BMe: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders My dog: It’s a new person! Please…
Retweeted by Couchy B @_stylr ❤️❤️❤️2027: All human interaction has been outlawed. Extroverts meet in underground tunnels to talk about what they had for dinner
Retweeted by Couchy BGod: what do you have for me today? angel: I invented the gall bladder God: what does it do? angel: I don't kno…
Retweeted by Couchy BAmazing Grace, but it's just me singing to my coffee pot
Retweeted by Couchy BI over achieved on my height of laziness when I decided to participate in couch bouncing. I hit every couch in my house.
Retweeted by Couchy BSaw an optical illusion, thought of you
Retweeted by Couchy BCanadian bacon is the only pizza topping polite enough to let pineapple on its pizza. Classic Canadians.
Retweeted by Couchy B[Stuck at sea in a tiny boat] Me: could things get worse? (Shark music begins to play) Me: sharks? No, no anyth…
Retweeted by Couchy BMy priest just tripped on his robe and turned it into a somersault. He's agile af for a 70 year old
Retweeted by Couchy BA sitcom about divorcing cannibals living in your building called "I Ate Your Guts".
Retweeted by Couchy BInstead of brass knuckles I wear eight mood rings.
Retweeted by Couchy Bthe four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise
Retweeted by Couchy BDon’t FaceTime me without a scheduled appointment because I probably look like a swamp witch
Retweeted by Couchy BI just walked out of a convenience store with a bag full of candy and my dad looked at me and asked if I would ever…
Retweeted by Couchy BIt's a hard pill to swallow, that in my advanced age, I no longer have the rage to back up my rage.
Retweeted by Couchy BEverything makes me uncomfortable. I do not have a comfort zone.
Retweeted by Couchy BWhen you have your own house you can do things your way, unless of course you have kids. Then you do things the toddlers way
Retweeted by Couchy Bthe rewards of the mortifying being loved ordeal of…
Retweeted by Couchy BThe Holidays in America are great. We think of everything that stresses us TF out and we do them, all at once.
Retweeted by Couchy BI know it feels good to take a shower but give the growers a chance too
Retweeted by Couchy BWhen you see a flock of geese migrating and there’s that one fat bird desperately flapping its wings as it lags beh…
Retweeted by Couchy B @CAshmanActor Sunday already? I'm hoping for a lazy one. Thanks for the call:‘every day do something that scares you’ bro i do it’s called going to work
Retweeted by Couchy BI just dropped my dog off at his Grandmas. Now I'm walking back with a bag of dog shit, and no fucking dog, like some kind of psychopath.
Retweeted by Couchy BI coughed twice, so now I'm worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won't split evenly between my two children when I die.
Retweeted by Couchy Bin the goonies everyone was looking for one-eyed willy and we all just let that slide
Retweeted by Couchy BMan I would kill to have a solid nights sleep like Nate Robinson got.
Retweeted by Couchy BHeard someone play the Lion King soundtrack at 2am, and I have questions
Retweeted by Couchy B
Retweeted by Couchy BI got bitches B I T Chronic sinus infections H E Soup
Retweeted by Couchy Bguys, I'm writing a joke about what gong players are actually called, so bear with me because I think it's a banger.
Retweeted by Couchy BA baby is just the suped-up version of a dog.
Retweeted by Couchy B @CafeinatedBacon Autopots Brew Stout son wanted to play transformers, he said that I could transform into any machine I wanted Then he got all disap…
Retweeted by Couchy B @PopeAwesomeXIII Oof 😢no YOU are dancing to 90's club music and holding your emergency maracas like glow sticks
Retweeted by Couchy BPSA: Zelda is the princess, not the character you play in the game. His name is Green Super Mario.
Retweeted by Couchy BHand me a fully peeled orange and I’ll love you. Hand me a fully peeled banana and I’ll cringe and think you’re a creep for life.
Retweeted by Couchy BMy new normal "good day" is 37 farts and minimal crying
Retweeted by Couchy BGuys be like “did u cum” and they haven’t even turned off the PlayStation yet
Retweeted by Couchy Bi keep seeing shit about queen’s gambit and i gotta tell u i have no idea what the fuck a gambit is
Retweeted by Couchy Bmetaphorically my brain is just surfing on a turd at this point
Retweeted by Couchy B