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They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do. Cast member & biz dev for Friends at the Table. Sorry about all the wrestling tweets. he/him

482 Following   4,573 Followers   23,285 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/26/08

Monkeys live longer than I thought they did.
@lynnedrum @Friends_Table Getting mixed messages now.(Honestly I don’t care. Also, should I be selling bootleg FatT posters? I’m not sure my contract expressly forbids it)How do you know there isn’t a fake Art out there selling you bootleg FatT posters?How many posters do we have to sell for us to get blue checkmarks? @JacksonHWalsh I really hope our next thing is more available. I assure you we want people to be able to buy our stuff. @KatieDiek Yeah, that would have been a lot. @KatieDiek You’re so early in this journey. Don’t run out of space. @dancynrew …maybeI will not be fixing this typo. Remember when FG sold you walking in time to a beat or a spring month? @dancynrew I’m still not sure if this thing I’m doing is popular.The mistake I made was the Fangamer march went up at a random time so people weren’t ready and that people would be… was off by 22 minutes. sorry that was 15 seconds late y’all, Shopify is a little deceptive about what the disable password button does.Thank you everyone for your patience while I fixed the typo in that joke. @Friends_Table Oh shit we got the google eye variant in? @dwendalian That would be impressive. @dwendalian 60ishI am famously wrong about these thingsIf I can call a shot on this one I think they’ll make it 25 minutes.Hey, this is in just a little bit. Be ready! @headfallsoff Like Kung Fu but with Obi-Wan on Tatooine?
@hortesque Yeah, do you know anyone who invested in Bubba Gump? This feel like a them idea. @austin_walker @Jordan_Mallory That might have gotten me in from the jump. First person felt too scary to me. The aliens are gonna get me. @hortesque Tempura battered TwinkiesI love every time WWE leans in to the weirdness their games can produce instead of being just straight simulators.… @dongwon I hear she’s too busy with Fresh Off the Boat... @ztiworoh They don’t even have a corn dog. I’m opening across the street and driving them out of business.If I was suddenly given the power of a professional chef I would open a fine dining fair food restaurant. The fanci…
@ali_west It’s a little early. The autumn lines aren’t out. @duneThemeByToto It’s not about money, it’s about changing Austin’s heartRecorded Bluff tonight and I’m ready to scrap the rest of the show and just do this. @Suedeuxnim I regret absolutely nothing.If you had asked me this morning how much I cared about the inscription on the statue of liberty I think I would ha… it is.
@katbamkapow @notquitereal Definitely an easier sell @katbamkapow @notquitereal I have to imagine a grit is a hard sell to a cat. @katbamkapow This is one of those tweets where the state/cat confusion comes in hard. @circnine Strong bet on bothThis motherfucker has never read that whole poem. Or, and I don’t want to assume too much, any poem. @Ice_Cream_Jones He sure seems to need it @Ice_Cream_Jones Heartbreaking to hear him talk like that.😭 @75PercentSpite I can’t believe you would say this even on private. People are really in to that kinda ok movie.
@katbamkapow Was it money they wanted? @katbamkapow I have done DMV services at AAA. @katbamkapow What do they have to look at it for? Also, they probably don’t want to crush it. They probably just want money. @katbamkapow Take a Lyft @captaintrash People only exist as “taller than me” “about my height” and “shorter than me” and I’ve noticed the ca… @captaintrash I was like 5’6” when I was 11 and you’re taller than me.Can they have New Bray just murder someone? Like is someone coming up on retirement and could just be kayfabe kille… Toronto, there’s really no way a “Kofi’s stupid” chant doesn’t sound racist. Get your crowd together. Thanks, Art
Restaurant workers of the world unite!, who won the B block? Really? *Michael Bluth voice* Him?This is better with Rush Limbaugh but honestly any of them.God, imagine thinking the Clintons have some kind of magic murder machine and that Newt Gingrich is still walking the earth. @KatieDiek @imperialhare Well, it took an apocalypse... @imperialhare @KatieDiek I think like a row house with a private yard. @imperialhare @KatieDiek Sorry, its canonical that Velas had a housing surplus.Addendum to earlier
@captaintrash Would Winnipeg have been funnier than Edmonton? @captaintrash I think it has to be pan-Canadian they’re not running Edmonton next year. @captaintrash You would prefer, maybe, a box of Timbits?We are amazing wedding guests. @ztiworoh Was it “how does everyone here feel about minorities?”Look, I’m not saying I don’t believe anything is fishy I’m just saying the (former) president murder squads are pro… every single person On Here today
Retweeted by Art from Friends at the Table
I don’t know. Maybe he can win over Trump voters after all. @Suedeuxnim I was reviewing movies at the time. Saw a lot of garbage. @Swandre3000 Comfortably worse.
Jess is listening to this audiobook about people starting a podcast and it’s like it was written by someone who jus… @captaintrash They probably don’t want to call attention to the pay disparity. Is pay a thing in mycareer? It should be. @ztiworoh I’m pretty sure 30-50 feral hogs was the theme of my bar mitzvahIf you have a chance to see Norm of the North for free know that you are still being grossly overcharged.Norm of the North and it’s not particularly close. the headline should read “Actor and Restauranteur Danny Trejo” just found out that if sound could travel through space we would all be constantly hearing the roar of the sun an…
For people who will appreciate this context the match in question was Moxley v. Yano. @mourningradio ❤️ @captaintrash Is there a plate on your head? @SoulofTwhit You have to go to an orientation earlier in the day so the actors can learn some twisted variations on… @notquitereal I have it on good authority that Chewbacca will not be in this haunted house. @pilotviruet You’re quite tall... @notquitereal I would be happy to go to Halloween Horror Nights with you and hold any bags you might accumulate whi… I think I’d rather die. @MelissaRussells Sure, I also bet the people in the Malibu trailer park get treated like garbage in Malibu even tho… @katbamkapow This is the first one of these I’ve gotten. I have never played this game. @Suedeuxnim Oh my. I love this. @DefaultProphet Their actual policy positions don’t seem that close.Honestly shocked that Sanders -> Gabbard is the second most common Sanders combo. But I don’t feel like I understan… @Mercurial_Girl Chyna is conceivably at 1 and 9
If The Rock is at 5 we can talk about it but it’s 2 and it’s not close. is trying to talk me in to moving to the trailer park in Malibu. The trailers there cost twice as much as our… the second season of Barry last night and it’s sort of like The Good Place in I have no idea where we’re g…
@atebbel Ooh cool I was wondering what he looked like.... (Live show character description spoilers??) . . . . . . .
Retweeted by Art from Friends at the Table @katbamkapow That sounds so good. Almost worth dying falling asleep at the wheel trying to get to Long Beach @katbamkapow Oh my goodness. We tried to get some via instacart this morning and it didn’t happen and honestly the… it was me and Keith goofing off and some big dice.My touchstones for the character (very little of which I think got on stage) were Keith Mars, Elliott Gould’s chara… at 4am because jet lag so I might as well give my live show character description I completely forgot to give…