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Melissafent on the Hillifent @awkwardenabled Instagram: Mellustrations914

BLM. मेलिस्सा @datingsexpert’s wife Avi by @Riot4rach 🐘 https://t.co/L9MScYD1zS

1,792 Following   10,080 Followers   60,394 Tweets

Joined Twitter 1/29/12


@thia_carrillo Thanks 😊Romance novels led me to believe I’d meet a lot more men while doing farm chores
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @Jenni_Drake_ He’s awesome lol
12/7
2021
What are you doing stepladder ?? https://t.co/oLbFc1dmN3
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifenti forgot the word for cremated so i told them my grandfather requested the death fire
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @Edelruth2 @notmythirdrodeo Haha the best part is he doesn’t even eat turkey 🙈 @LloBrow @AndieIsOnline @jojipaints @i_mthestorm @Mr_DrEsquire Thank you, Luke! And agree with Jo, this is an amazing list ❤️ @IDontSpeakWhine 🦃 😬[holding a baby] baby: [baby sounds] me: are u drunk baby: [baby sounds] me: hey this baby is fucked up
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentyou can hand a toddler literally anything and ask “is it a hat?” and they will put it on their head lmao no concern for how stupid they look
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentparents: why aren’t u giving me any grandkids me: https://t.co/IXEUnuQvjj
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent29yos freaking out about turning 30 and I’m over here, like, “On my last birthday my eggs passed their best if used by date.”
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentgetting into the holiday spirit by using an advent calendar to dispense my anti-anxiety meds
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentFlorists wake up and choose violets
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @shouldseemenow Oh it totally looks like that lol @GeetzFan2021 @colleen_eileen Vicious 😂 @eleniZarro True true, maybe he will be a chef @sonictyrant Evil Mickey instead of Sonic, shocking @shouldseemenow 💀it’s an evil Mickey. Those are buttonsNot concerning at all https://t.co/ehiUMhXsWe*makes note-don’t get 6 a turkey as a pet* https://t.co/kSjQMoC0XMOne of these days, I'll remember what I ordered when the Amazon box arrives, and the whole family's going to be so… https://t.co/ozJujfbU6M
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent[heating up the last two slices of pizza] Wife: aww is one of these for me? Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: …yes
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @beardedsaffa Nailed itNinja turtle: we're huge mutated turtles we need disguises Splinter: ok here's a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMe: What if my life actually has a laugh track but it's a super tough crowd and they've just never found me funny?… https://t.co/W9RyRVPHWw
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMy kids have discovered if they wake up at midnight they can get alone time with me and now I have to move
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentsame shit, different variant https://t.co/1ToHJyoyRW
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentWhen salt doesn’t work https://t.co/k36ILs6bfB
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @adamgreattweet Truth“the good ones are always gay” no the bar is just so low for straight men
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @eleniZarro Thinking of you and yours in this time…for 5 secondsI can’t decide which is worse- the fact that a company is selling “luxury sweatshirts” or the fact that I bought one and loved it
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent“You’ll be in my thoughts” - People who will not have you in their thoughts
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentmy kid just asked if the teenage mutant ninja turtles live in “you nork titty” and i said yes because what else can i say
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMy Xmas Plans The Omicron variant https://t.co/WhEiXGaZZ6
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentI'm cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentThere are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent[to a crowd of sobbing children as Pikachu's casket is lowered into the ground] "in the end, time catches 'em all"
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentThere are no silent nights in December when you have kids.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentI ordered a present for a friend that said delivered at 10 but my friend didn't get it. I contacted FedEx who told… https://t.co/CvhWtsPqZk
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent🎶It's the holiday season With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock And old man Trump looks like a big cock🎶 https://t.co/sDYTe6J1RG
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentLike mosquitos, men sometimes suck and deserve to be slapped
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifenther: what do you want for dinner? me: how about chinese? her: no me: pizza? mexican? italian? eat at home? he… https://t.co/g1m8hWT59g
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentInstructor on my zoom call keeps saying there are no stupid questions. Let’s prove her wrong.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentdamn, I need to dust that ceiling fan https://t.co/BSTgwJVcKC
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentPants ⭐️☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ “Not worth the effort”
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentfinally sitting down to watch the freddie mercury doc but it's just a little girl playing chess??
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMy boss turns water into wine just by emailing me. Step it up, Jesus.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentvan gogh: I cut off my ear to prove my love! what else do you want from me??? gf: i just want you to listen to me van gogh: come again?
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentSo the dog’s names are Benson and Rosie, and the human’s name was??? -Me, every time I’m introduced to someone.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentDid a little painting tonight to shift my mood ♥️ Acrylics on 8x10 https://t.co/DgzHzZ96AV
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @Spoopy_Spoops89 😂😂
12/6
2021
If you see me willingly eat white chocolate please know that I've been abducted
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentmy uber driver said he can’t add my stop bc it’s within 200 ft of a school
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @cellapaz It’s really beautiful 🥺❤️giving the cutest couple award to my last two brain cells. they way they always hold each other tight is so adorable
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentChallenge time. Kindness and positivity is needed more than ever. Video has the details. Any questions, please ask!… https://t.co/5TsvRE6oiq
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @krystaunclear @StorvLovesYou @Amester222 @cellapaz @JasonNotEvil @mxmclain @eleniZarro @katbuble @fckboyseatpizzahttps://t.co/s8FTgwAXUD @numberjack3 Kids are morbid afMy kid: https://t.co/9vD3F6k0vl @dadmann_walking Warms my heartGET BACK IN HERE WE'RE WATCHING THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE AS A FAMILY DAMMIT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!! -and other fun Christmas things I say
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @dakarrier 😂Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo Me: *now crying* Date: there you are
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMy Brain: I wonder what breed of dog has the longest lifespan My Body: It’s 4:30 in the morning. Go the fuck to sl… https://t.co/1VE2NJYdgz
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentIf I have ménage à trois with Richard and David Gere would that be considered switching Geres?
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentgoing to the doctor bc i woke up with my penis tied in a knot again. pls don’t make fun of me for this
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentwhen a dish says “hand wash only” https://t.co/yWy7f9pm60
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMurder statistics should be called cadaverages
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @DarthJML Your mind is wild, man 😂❤️❤️ @DarthJML Omg what are you doing 😂😂😂why do we have to wait until Festivus to air grievances? I got a lot of problems with you people and I want you to… https://t.co/uydlTTX1sC
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentFlirting is tough while wearing a mask on, that's why I bought one of those bowtie that spins
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentOkay I’m AWARE that I watch too many nature docs but I just want to know how these birds of paradise are learning t… https://t.co/OQRTbr3Xxu
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @krystaunclear @FeralFerrell He gets it @Dad_At_Law 😂😂 https://t.co/Wrksz6u8E3 @eleniZarro He’s wise beyond his years @IDontSpeakWhine It’s valid, man 😂 @colleen_eileen GOTTEM @Amester222 Just taunting little frog<reading a story> Me: and little frog said, I’m not eating dinner, I don’t want to be big 6: well then you’re no… https://t.co/8qbJA7msq5 @eleniZarro Spotify: I mean…maybe just branch out a little?some of you have a red nose that helped guide santa’s sleigh through the night and it glows
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentthis guy starts every story with “the sea was angry that day my friends...” https://t.co/c6huqtTTTK
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentDid you know the Rolling Stones were originally going to sing about turkeys, but the studio made them change to horses?
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentA great onion ring is always better than a great fry, but there are a lot more great fries out there than there are great onion rings.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent @eleniZarro Spotify just thrusting it in your faceIf I ever thought I was cool, Spotify Wrapped made it very clear I was wrong
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentBell or War of the Worlds? https://t.co/o6bKqPSZAr
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent[extremely Rodney Dangerfield voice] Back in the 80s I tried snorting some coke in the bathroom, but they gave me Pepsi instead!
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentWhenever Santa gets a request for two front teeth he has to reinstate Elf Fight Club.
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifenttwitter will suspend you for 12 hours because you said ass then be like you’ve been chosen to take one of our super… https://t.co/pTRQilRg9Q
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent🎶 You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why Santa Claus's liver Has failed 🎶
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentpeople without seasonal depression like https://t.co/BY33fDP45C
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentMe: as an ADULT I can eat WHATEVER I want, WHENEVER I want *later* Me: *extremely unhealthy* touché
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentI have a moustache and I have no idea if I'm wearing it ironically or not
Retweeted by Melissafent on the HillifentFront of Back of the tree the tree https://t.co/cp09wyoq69
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifentthe fatherly urge to wake up and say “what’s the temperature outside?”
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent• CONDIMENTS TWEET CALL • Send us your CONDIMENTS tweets! Likes/Retweets/Etc. Winners will be 🏆’d later. Ends… https://t.co/uozZL2mfE5
Retweeted by Melissafent on the Hillifent
12/5
2021

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