Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Bart @bartandsoul The South

What is this place? Is it like FB? Music. Sarcasm. I RT, a lot.

1,837 Following   9,931 Followers   89,455 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/13/18


Songwriter: [scratches out Spectacular Grace] no Songwriter: [sighs, crosses off Stupefying Grace] no...
Retweeted by BartMe, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divor… https://t.co/SHzbvcTpeC
Retweeted by BartGet in, we’re going to see a live taping of The Muppet Show.
Retweeted by BartI’m a Virgo and that means my dad probably got the sex for Christmas
Retweeted by BartHow much for someone to smother me to death. No weirdos.
Retweeted by BartI brushed my hair and now my phone doesn’t recognize me :(
Retweeted by BartSaw my neighbor, she wasn’t wearing a bra and I couldn’t help but notice she had three nipples. Turns out the mid… https://t.co/L0hoDPYpGw
Retweeted by Bart @elunatyk Elena ❤️🥰I got my 2nd Covid shot, and feel like shit. Plus I had to move to the uncomfortable couch, so my dramatic sighs ca… https://t.co/ZXrWg26QmI
Retweeted by Bart
2/25
2021
Being embarrassed for people on this app is exhausting
Retweeted by Bart“It’s definitely better without one,” I say as I fish a condom out of my soup
Retweeted by Bart“do not taste the dog” and other things I never expected to say: a parenting memoir
Retweeted by BartI bet this guy driving an El Camino can tell me what schnapps pairs best with domestic assault
Retweeted by BartHate it when I'm screaming with a mouth full of peanut butter and people keep asking if I'm Eddie Vedder
Retweeted by BartI'd be a very nice person if not for other people.
Retweeted by Barti dreamt my uber driver was jared leto in a kangol on meth and my life coach dropped me how’s your week going?
Retweeted by BartIf I learned to understand snakes all I’d hear about is fucking mice and I just don’t have time for that
Retweeted by BartHer: You pretentiously slip French words into your conversations to make yourself sound smart. Me: Au contraire.
Retweeted by BartI eat waffles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 3 square meals a day!
Retweeted by BartAutocorrect keeps changing fml to filter which is exactly what I say and then do when talking a selfie
Retweeted by BartWhen I ask for directions, please use words like Starbucks.
Retweeted by BartAre you READY to change your LIFE!!!!??? me: 5 more minutes *pushes life snooze button
Retweeted by BartIf you're constantly hungry for more, maybe you need to change what you're having.
Retweeted by BartHome improvement trials: Day 1: Hurry, I need 10 more people who need their shower grouted before it hardens. Day 2… https://t.co/NMiUIT3DZw
Retweeted by BartI just wanna spend my life with someone who will leave me the fuck alone
Retweeted by Bart4: mom can I sing just a short song? me: yes 4: ok its only just three hours long I promise narrator: it was in… https://t.co/4EVWFLlo7s
Retweeted by BartI miss having the luxury to indulge my every emotion. I’m assuming some of you don’t have this problem.
Retweeted by BartIf gardening means watching the lawn guy from the couch, then yeah, I garden.
Retweeted by BartI am thankful for my family, my dogs, sour candy, my remote control, the recliner on my couch, and potatoes of all kinds.
Retweeted by BartDuring cold weather months, alligators will fall into hibernation with their snouts sticking through the ice to get… https://t.co/1HyKjjY9uJ
Retweeted by BartDon’t be afraid to make mistakes. Also don’t be afraid to drop your mistakes off in front of a fire station.
Retweeted by Bart @AngryRaccoon2 https://t.co/SqacyRgyUbHappy Hour at the dentist starts at tooth-thirty and send tweet
Retweeted by BartI’m at the crossroads of getting a neck tattoo or buying a massage chair with a happy ending.
Retweeted by Bartwhy did they call it Canada Dry instead of Ginger Eh'l?
Retweeted by BartHow the FUCK did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
Retweeted by BartWhenever my kid complains about slow wifi I like to pull out the old ... In my day, to log onto the internet, you h… https://t.co/IKqQNsUE8O
Retweeted by BartBeing a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Retweeted by BartI feel like we’re all just rearranging the same 26 letters like they’re the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Retweeted by BartI just upgraded my 24” TV to a 75” by moving my chair 4 feet closer.
Retweeted by BartOooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight? Him: "... I slept on the couch." Mmmm yeahh
Retweeted by BartThen: I will never lie to my children Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch a… https://t.co/q0EphFxv4K
Retweeted by BartI would come over, but I have a conflict of interest. In that I have none.
Retweeted by BartScientist: we successfully cloned Dolly Me: oh fuck yes let's hear "9 to 5" Scientist: she's not- Me: what about… https://t.co/BK8ZgjjD7G
Retweeted by Bartif your sentence begins with "actually" just don't
Retweeted by Bart @erichwithach The town in Germany?Every new phone feature I have discovered in the last 10 years has been by accident.
Retweeted by Bartif you don’t have 3 song playlists on repeat you can suck it
Retweeted by BartHear me out, Law & Order: Disney Jail
Retweeted by BartMe: Captain...we need to talk. Captain: Aye lad, out with it. Me: Well, while the crew appreciates the new... gif… https://t.co/6MdT55voI9
Retweeted by BartGrandpa insisted that he didn’t want a funeral, but this just feels wrong. https://t.co/OxnJQISyUG
Retweeted by Bartchair man of the bored https://t.co/K4b5Q9d5TF
Retweeted by BartYou never did get jiggy with it, did you
Retweeted by BartMachine Gun Kelly implies the existence of Stab Kelly, Poison Kelly, and Push Kelly Off a Bridge & Make It Look Like an Accident
Retweeted by BartDon’t ever let a recipe tell you how much cheese to add, everyone knows cheese is measured with the heart.
Retweeted by Bart[ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ɪɴᴠᴇɴᴛ ᴘʟᴀɪɴ ʏᴏɢʜᴜʀᴛ] I wonder what sadness tastes of?
Retweeted by BartTranscend, and be sexy in the process.
Retweeted by BartI take off my mask to reveal a full, luxuriant moustache.
Retweeted by Bart9 son: For homework, I need to invent a product that would solve a problem. Do you have any problems, mom? Me: *ha… https://t.co/BlwpjSvYf6
Retweeted by BartMy dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!! Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Retweeted by BartChristopher Walken but when there’s music Christopher Waltzen.
Retweeted by Bartthe last time I was truly happy I was knee deep in mashed potatoes
Retweeted by BartI avoid making conversations awkward by not starting any.
Retweeted by BartI think I've read your poetic tweet before, except it was back in the 80s and called a Richard Marx song.
Retweeted by BartI do shots systematically so I can drink anybody under the periodic table.
Retweeted by BartI think I'm on to something. It may be a couch of some kind.
Retweeted by BartAdults should not try to sit in a child’s high chair I know this now ....send help
Retweeted by BartI lost my will to live within the first 30 seconds of today’s meeting and spent the next three hours trying to slid… https://t.co/7mwJAHWeCb
Retweeted by BartThe depiction of apes progressively evolving into humans, but it's just me getting out of a chair and slowly trying to stand up straight.
Retweeted by BartIn my 20s: Goes whitewater rafting, plays 3 hours of full court basketball, then goes out drinking In my 50s: Is i… https://t.co/m9OUl8OKPu
Retweeted by BartA recent Google search for a small bench yielded hundreds of 36 inch choices, but my space only allotted 34. Search… https://t.co/AyqZmDNPJv
Retweeted by BartMy iphone weighs 6 ounces, but the camera still adds ten pounds.
Retweeted by BartLounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Retweeted by BartYou wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.
Retweeted by BartMe: Let me shift gears for just a second Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Retweeted by BartRepairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately Me: *from… https://t.co/Mg5vXMKtg1
Retweeted by BartDug out my pocket knife just in case I need to start whittling wood on my front porch while staring you down from my rocking chair
Retweeted by BartYou’re not old and then all of the sudden your favorite past time is “resting in my chair”.
Retweeted by BartI'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.
Retweeted by Bartfirst band i’m seeing after covid is gastric.
Retweeted by BartSomeone shrieked an office chair was killing them. There wasn’t even a sign of a struggle when I peeked over my cubicle.
Retweeted by BartCounselor: welcome to the daddy issues support group. Find a chair and we’ll get started in a few minutes, I just n… https://t.co/EFDopT4jji
Retweeted by Bart[Puts hair up in man bun] Excuse me ladies, are these gentlemen bothering you?
Retweeted by BartI just rolled my eyes so hard I made a seven-ten split.
Retweeted by BartPutting a sports bra on and taking it off again is my cardio
Retweeted by BartIt’s 50 degrees out, sun is shining, and birds are singing....which means the new season of Twitterpated will be dr… https://t.co/5wdSTvFnm0
Retweeted by Bartradio: yo dj drop a beat 🎶 farmer: *changes station* idk who dj is but no thank you sir
Retweeted by BartI will admit I was probably at my least macho ever last night when I felt a spider go under my shirt and bite me on the shoulder blade
Retweeted by BartMy email inbox is empty. ~me, flirting
Retweeted by BartI hit 4500 🥰, so let’s celebrate. 🎊 TWEET CALL Send 1 from you and/or 1 from a friend for likes, RTs and maybe a… https://t.co/ZVKDbVQ743
Retweeted by BartA child safety lock, but on my car radio so I can enjoy Taylor Swift without my kids changing the station.
Retweeted by BartI bet Waffle House can afford those prime locations right off the interstates because it’s saved millions by not ch… https://t.co/myixLpObUg
Retweeted by BartCan we just stop adulting for a little bit? I'd love to be able to actually breath for a change.
Retweeted by BartI come on Twitter just to admire your ever changing avi. Please, keep on doing that.
Retweeted by BartMy husband wants to know exactly why I’m mad. He said changing his name to “Mud” was not saying enough.
Retweeted by BartMy autocorrect keeps changing "meh" to "men" and I feel like that accurately represents almost every relationship with a man since birth.
Retweeted by BartSpice up your next trip to the grocery store by changing out your regular mask for a Hannibal Lecter mask when browsing the canned beans.
Retweeted by Bart*attending the reading of the will* WHO GETS THE CORNINGWARE?!
Retweeted by BartPeople have different things about the opposite sex that turn them off but for someone who is gay, the biggest turn… https://t.co/DTqi9NWOfo
Retweeted by BartThings my cat is not actually helping: - laundry - yoga - puzzles - making grocery lists - reading books - her li… https://t.co/NUqDKNtLJV
Retweeted by Bart
2/24
2021

0