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Lawyer, Fundraiser, Ally. Cornell Hockey. Poker. He/Him. My wife @dsschatz is the funniest woman I’ve ever met. #BlackLivesMatter Avi by the late @ObscureAaron.

3,540 Following   4,284 Followers   34,164 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/27/09


@MilkHold @fvern9 It's a popular segment.new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today
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2021
i didn’t know bernie was a cullen til now https://t.co/m2KlaO2EvG
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusimagine meeting your soulmate and before every sexual encounter they ask you if you have any grey poupon
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusjust ate a block of cheddar like a hershey bar and I’ve never felt more alive until later when I die
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI'm ‘my mom stabbed someone getting me a Cabbage Patch Kid’ years old
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI've got a hot date coming up on Friday. Okay so it's a prenatal massage with a male massage therapist, but same difference.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @BrennanMichaelP @DayBump @KKAlwaysSays @manda_tee1 @goodowens @Cycloptomese https://t.co/RVKnYGMb7FHow dare you ask if my anxiety is based on anything factual?
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @rneppell @Home_Halfway https://t.co/Wsc1TJ8CbPWho wore it best? https://t.co/NYaoIeNdbI
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusRelationship status: Whispering I love you to my mac n cheese
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusMy two working brain cells used to huddle for warmth but because of covid restrictions, they have to look at each other from afar.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @Swan_Corleone2 Mazel tov, and thanks!! https://t.co/sssZXf3PJfChunk: Sloth? Sloth: Oh hey! Chunk? Wow, haven't seen you in years! Chunk: So long! Since that whole pirates thin… https://t.co/HYbCGfY8hQ
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusCan’t believe Joe’s getting sworn in on a Cheesecake Factory menu https://t.co/9mQvAmxgzY
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusRight now at the 46th St. subway station in NYC. By @plannedalism https://t.co/H5vvtF5RJl
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusi’m used to print out a picture of the haircut i wanted to bring to the hairdresser years old
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusGiant monster trucks are fine, but why don't we see more variety in the extended truck mythos? I'd like to see fae… https://t.co/Gbkzksz0Fo
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusIf you’re not on your knees crawling with a knife in your hand to fight for that last slice of pizza, you’re doing tragedy wrong
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @goodowens @DayBump @KKAlwaysSays @manda_tee1 @BrennanMichaelP @Cycloptomese https://t.co/VCuAYsyMWgBREAKING NEWS: Former Parks and Recreation Guest Star Joe Biden Sworn In As President of the United States https://t.co/vuGTD4fQQh
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusMy wife when I won't let her touch the thermostat https://t.co/dnxf2OK5yp
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusMe: How the hell do you become a bloody Poet Laureate at 22 Me, 2.5 min later: Oh, that's how
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus"There is always light, if only we're brave enough to see it, if only we're brave enough to be it." - Amanda Gorman @reroutingnow A mini-bottle of @MionettoUSA Prosecco... then back to online training for my new gig.*unclenches for the first time in 4 years*
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @DayBump @KKAlwaysSays @manda_tee1 @BrennanMichaelP @goodowens @Cycloptomese Thanks, Squad™!! https://t.co/8Vgy0TsA1NMayor: How could the entire city collapse in on itself? Foreman: *surveying the smoking ruins* Well there's your p… https://t.co/TJ7KLmIIBF
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusCan't wait to start seeing White House decorations turning up on ebay, being sold by a 'TonaldDrump45'
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusdammit i just realized my highlights are actually gray hairs
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusC'mere I heard a secret..... Closer I heard....... Come closer I heard that..... *whispers* Stacy's mom has got it going on.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI told my doctor I take my meds religiously. He doesn’t know that I meant I only take them on Christmas and Easter
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circushear me out: https://t.co/AcDRgIi82o
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus10: ‘you are a bacon of sunshine’ Me: thanks honey, but it’s ‘beacon’ not ‘bacon’. 10: it’s bacon. Because bacon… https://t.co/sxLkzn2WBY
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @toomanycommas3 https://t.co/t9dqEHozpJ @toomanycommas3 @PunchlinesX @_oYoYo @English_Channel 🥰 Thank you!! @janehilll @eleniZarro Well, my wife. I have salt & pepper. @eleniZarro @janehilll https://t.co/CDR2uf0dju @janehilll @eleniZarro You beat me to it! @JeanByr75925376 Okay, sparky.Fun Fact: As soon as Biden is sworn in as the 46th President, Trump's plane will lose the call-sign "Air Force One"… https://t.co/kRQF1QNlrlIf I had a nickel for every “you’re fired” tweet today, I could pay off my student loans before the end of inauguration
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusThere's gonna be so much cheeto dust they're gonna have to clean off the walls of the white house
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusDear President Biden, If the other guy has hidden the password for the White House WiFi, give ‘IWONTHISELECTIONBYA… https://t.co/vpBpKpmny6
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusIf my husband knew how close he’s come to being my murder victim, he’d probably be way more excited about his upcoming birthday.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusMy 5-year-old had been awake approximately 16 minutes before he asked me to sit down at the table, pinched the brid… https://t.co/QLpC6JMYUo
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusKids: What's for dinner? Me: We're having- Kids: UGGGGHHHHH
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI don’t want to smoke, I just want a cigarette to flick when I make a grand statement before putting my hands in th… https://t.co/2FlPGGlS7I
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusthis just in: https://t.co/WG2sZr4QK2 https://t.co/GCWY0oPqbg
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusIs that you Justice Kavanaugh? https://t.co/NvBPy6hfvr
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus[pen mug] gel: nice cap bic: I couldn’t find mine gel: you look like an ass lol bic: yea I look like an ass, mr… https://t.co/G3AnZBdWt5
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusInauguration Day 2017 was my grandmother’s 99th birthday. I asked her how she was feeling. She responded by sayin… https://t.co/kmNEWzYjVu
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusAs far as goodbyes go, a wise man once said... “Don’t let the door hit you where the lord split you... or cry into… https://t.co/CyqpUC5dve
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusBiden is inaugurated while Trump is still on Air Force One AF1 Pilot: YEET!!!
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusWe put the Nextdoor neighborhood watch out in DC in prep for the inauguration. So you know, there has been a van d… https://t.co/PCqsxLlJyq
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusAlexander the Great once said, "If I were not Alexander, I should wish to be Diogenes." Very annoyed that no scien… https://t.co/MxhneXi1ar
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus*Beavis and Butthead laugh* https://t.co/QgdEudLkZF
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusimagine meeting your true love and they wanna axe you a question
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusTrump is gone, but his face bronzer shall always remain on the Presidential pillows
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusJack; sending a text with an embarrassing error in it: “I don’t care...I will die on this Jill”
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @_goaskyourdad_ https://t.co/VTJR5ligw4 @PunchlinesX @_oYoYo @English_Channel I hope you don't mind that I left it for you to explain - I'm such a huge fan of yours. 😁 @loyaltypurge https://t.co/mgLNXTCHX1 @Word_Chucker https://t.co/FwqQzOpM1p @Wh0v1an_4_L1fe https://t.co/v8ZfgZF9TP @mrh12834 https://t.co/MqmGyUc3hMJoin FOX News for today's Inauguration coverage: 10am: Denial 11am: Anger 11:30am: Bargaining 12pm: Depression 1pm… https://t.co/iXPfA6sVnqWhat I love about the void is it never gets crowded in here. Could use some redecorating though.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusi take my role as hunter/gatherer very seriously and will fight you over the just-now-ripe two for $5 cantaloupe at Kroger
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusImagine being white in America today and having some kind of fear that life is about to get slightly less comfortab… https://t.co/447Duj6DEd
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI don't care for the sun and just how it generally seems to think it's better than me.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusMy iOS calendar reminded me today is Inauguration Day as if I haven’t been counting down the days
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circuspandemic pro-tip: move into a haunted house so the ghosts are responsible for your kids’ homeschooling and general socialization
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusuber eats guy put my order at my neighbour’s door and in the time it took me to get to it they’d already taken it i… https://t.co/AKXGkW4Ajr
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @NatalMogwin_9 https://t.co/SF8W1RH5OO @TrecherousWendy @Thotful_Musings @SugarMaven @MarlowNYC @arthur_affect Yes. @Under1kContest Here ya go! https://t.co/0P2YReicdq @wumother @futureKid @SvnSxty Thanks!! https://t.co/IdOZoNEDHFMaking a big pot of covfefe for the send off this morning.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusNotice how no one has ever seen Trump in the same room as the Hamburglar??
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusNo one knows the true key to happiness but I can tell you it goddamn sure isn’t arguing with idiots on here
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusApparently the key to a good run is 1. Rough day at work 2. Captain America socks 3. Pre workout drink 4. Metal music
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusThe new Indiana Jones looks amazing. https://t.co/QQxzG8o33Z
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circusreally wanting biden to look into the camera today and whisper ‘get off my plane’ 🇺🇸
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @bobblegagger https://t.co/pfDlGiLLWC“Captain Ahab” is just a French nickname for Captain AmontrealcanadienI’m afraid your point has been blunted by stupidity.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusHaven't been drinking and genuinely concerned the recycling guys are gonna think I've died.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusEveryone knows that only the smartest spermatozoa can pull off wearing a monocle.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI don't know if I have a genre per se, but nobody has ever commented "goals" on one of my tweets so that's a good guideline
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circushow u act when an endangered white whale bites your leg off is the real you
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusLooking out my castle window over my moat filled with piñatas. I think there was a typo on the work order the contractors got.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusSome candy hearts comics I drew, a thread: https://t.co/VyHGoKr5rE
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusSo disappointed to learn that bath bombs don't actually kill you.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @jaketapper I think he’ll pardon ESPN’s Interruption.We got rid of pennies in Canada in 2012 so when I give my two cents it actually rounds down to zero.
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters CircusI don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Retweeted by Tundra British Columbia Headhunters Circus @suecorvette We all won, Sue. 🇺🇸ozzy osbourne showing john lennon how to write heavy metal (1968) https://t.co/ENRS4xP0D5
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