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mom & wife. made up of coffee, curse words & sarcasm.

656 Following   211 Followers   23,670 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/21/12


I shouldn’t be allowed to live in a house with stairsOmg Nolan knows this isn’t the OG moose. FMLCurrently sanitizing Nolan’s moose replacement
11/19
2019
Nolan lost his moose wubbanub that he’s had since birth. I cried my eyes out. Then I ordered a new one.
11/17
2019
If you’re not a parent, don’t give parental advice.
11/16
2019
I really want chipotle for dinner but I do not want to deal with taking the kids out of the car 🤦🏻‍♀️ I also don’t… https://t.co/rWQFiJ6anhGus is so annoying lolThis episode of greys 😭
11/15
2019
DISNEYPLUS HAS TALESPIN!!!!! Biiiiiiitch. Nobody understands the excitement I have. I’m forcing Addison to watch it.DISNEY PLUS BITCH
11/12
2019
I don’t remember my @disneyplus login for tomorrowWhen you’re binging a show on Netflix but get kicked off because too many people are on. Cool.
11/11
2019
Sometimes I want another baby. Then I’m like fuck that.Currently putting together our new bedframe and all I can think about is food
11/10
2019
I mowed the lawn for the first time in my life today. The backyard is no longer a jungle @CourtneyAnnReed @ChipotleTweets It is so inconvenient to go to food places with no drive thru when I’m alone with… https://t.co/Asn4hkvuvX
11/9
2019
I wish @ChipotleTweets had drive thrusAddison just told me she misses Marco and Jackie
11/8
2019
I can finally braid my baby’s hair
11/4
2019
@_Bananer Excuse me, what? Who tf says that? That’s not a friend 🙄 @_Bananer For fucking real! And my anxiety always has me apologizing to people for it and then I’m like why tf am I apologizing @_Bananer Yaaas. Like who gave you your crown and throne and deemed you king/queen of judgment? Not I. @_Bananer & it makes it harder because I’m looked at like some fragile bird that needs support because my husband i… https://t.co/41cJLwxpdk @_Bananer Typically, one of mine is always crying. And it’s hard to get Addison to pay attention when other kids ar… https://t.co/YOefabojBNI’ve learned how to manage my anxiety over the last 15+ years. But the one thing I don’t think I’ll conquer any tim… https://t.co/9iL5RI7cBd @AskTarget The cookie jar is sold out online & the sleigh is online but it comes with another sleigh which makes it… https://t.co/OBf2L8O7mJ
11/2
2019
I’ve been hunting for these at @Target for like two weeks. I’ve been to six targets. Send help https://t.co/mKrEvUrP8bAlright November let’s fucking moveeee!I think this Halloween has traumatized Addison 😂I have seriously stalked 4 targets for two weeks for The bullseye playground Christmas section. All I want is the c… https://t.co/x8G6o6T29g @Fettaaah Wish I could be there! We could binge all the shows and drink all the wine. While staying sober enough to take care of babies @Fettaaah https://t.co/5Rm1GdLFfmMy kids have really boring, really lame and really basic costumes but oh 🐳
11/1
2019
NOLAN JUST SAID I LOVE YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND IT WASN’T TO ME. Ronald gets all the good stuffI hate doing things without Ronald. I really don’t wanna go trick or treating tonight.Idk what company sold my fucking email address but y’all can go fuck yourselves
10/31
2019
Have you ever felt that you’ve lost your identity and you’re just here? Cause same.
10/30
2019
Dear lord let this pamprin work
10/29
2019
50 FREAKIN DAYS!!!!Just noticed my black eye that I’ve clearly been walking around with. How’d I get it, you ask? My son. My 1 year ol… https://t.co/HluXWxGveVNolan just sneezed and got froot Loop all over his pajamas 😂Barely eating dinner
10/27
2019
Is anyone gonna y’all about how #TemptationIsland didn’t show Ashley’s video at the bonfire?
10/26
2019
I wish dr mcdreamy was able to be with Zola this episode 😭
10/25
2019
I went to start my project and I have the ducking wrong color stain 😤😤😤 @Fettaaah Oh I do! I’m glad he said something! Wannabe homewrecker @Fettaaah Oh god I hope he put that bitch in her place 🙄I am so mentally & physically exhausted. Mostly mentally. Today was rough. I wont go on detail but man, it was roug… https://t.co/OsAxi1JO1p @briannnnaP Beyoncé who?
10/24
2019
Just caught a spider hanging from my head making a web. It’s the end of the world.I feel like all the Walmart’s everywhere else has their Christmas stuff out. Except mine.Somebody poisoned my neighbor’s dog. Now I don’t wanna let my dogs go outside 😫
10/23
2019
Project jungle is almost complete 🌳🦒🦍🐘🐆🐅 I also started redoing the living room and eating area. Idk what to call… https://t.co/sbAPEWJulPI used to fall asleep by 10 at the latest almost every night. The last two weeks, I cannot sleep for the fucking li… https://t.co/cSZoZYmPf4
10/22
2019
@_gypsyeyez STDs & fecal matter with a side of beer
10/21
2019
Does anyone else stand when they fold sheets?
10/20
2019
Update: I fell asleep and woke up to Addison lifting my eyelids and poking my eye. Is she fucking serious?I really want to take a nap. But I’m afraid I’ll sleep through the delivery truck showing upI just saw a trailer for the OJ Simpson movie. WTF did I just watch?!I hate waiting for delivery trucks. And it’s raining. They changed the time frame twice. Now it’s 1-5. Which means 5:30 I’m sure.Why do people even ask if an item on the marketplace is still available if they’re not gonna reply? Stop wasting people’s time. Idiots.Addison just told me I’m the shit https://t.co/5j2teSecSr
10/18
2019
I can’t wait for Disney +. I just paid $5 to rent tangled on amazon 🙄If I wanted a chicken taco with only cheese, I would have gone to Taco Bell.Went to @DelTaco today and I ordered 2 grilled chicken tacos with no cheese and a cherry coke. They gave me Diet Co… https://t.co/BkoNQVIqCJAddison is downstairs singing “YOU COULDA HAD A BAD BITCH” 😂😂😂😂My back hurt so bad last night, I was in tears blowing up Ronald’s phone. Can’t tell if it’s from aging or from getting an epidural twice 🙄😭
10/17
2019
OMG I WISH I KNEW HOW TO PUT EYESHADOW ON!!!!!!!!! Also, WE NEED A FOUNDATION QUEEN https://t.co/mLaSE76yrrThe days are fucking draaaaaaagging. @Fettaaah I got up anyway lol 😅 @BryceOtanez12 Somebody must have been bored, looked up, saw the clouds, said the word to themselves over and over… https://t.co/dqfeK23ELZ @BryceOtanez12 To me, I just think of clouds whenever I see that word @_Bananer 😂😂I saw this and thought of you @_Bananer https://t.co/KsuC91dk9GThe worst thing ever is realizing you forgot to take tomorrow’s dinner out of the freezer to put in the crockpot in… https://t.co/GEhCchDvsS @_gypsyeyez I would. But then I have to sign my soul over to the airlines to have two little people fly too 😭 @kaylaroo__ Who tf makes up these dumbass words? Like just say fameI’ve enjoyed the blonde. But I’ll never find anyone to take @_gypsyeyez ‘s place. WTF DO I DO PEOPLEAlso, can someone provide me with the definition of clout? I’m behind on times. @_Bananer People in WA cannot park for shit. It’s the land of crooked Parking and parking halfway in a stall instea… https://t.co/OXtCem9olnWhen a dude says “my guy” to another dude, are they trying to show dominance orrrrr is it a sign of respect & ackno… https://t.co/idB9RxFnX3Isn’t it wild how a song can take you back to a place in time and you’re basically reliving that moment with all se… https://t.co/8tUqAsY4Az
10/16
2019
I should really go to target today before the rain comes but....Let the continuous rainfall commenceMy neighbors are dog sitting and leave the dog outside 24/7 (it’s cold AF btw) and I can’t even let me dogs go out… https://t.co/sVeLO6Ggqv
10/15
2019
I forgot people have today off. FML65 FUCKING DAYS
10/14
2019
The drive I just took was fucking phenomenal. I’m in awe.I got the iPhone 11. I don’t know how to use it and I don’t know what it has to offer.
10/11
2019
Well... I found my glasses. Nolan put them in the freezerFinally eating at a kitchen table again. This bitch was a pain in my ass to redo but so worth it!
10/10
2019
Addison just told me I’m a bad bitch https://t.co/0mz4f5zqERMy kids are having a laughing competition. As cute as it is, it’s also annoying because their fake laughs are high pitch screams @kaylaroo__ https://t.co/XZUkDG8n1kThe sunsets in WA have been turning the sky purple 😍
10/9
2019
I lost my glasses when we moved. My husband keeps telling me not to worry and to order another pair but I just can’… https://t.co/mMp8li5LUmJohn lengend is out here using @chrissyteigen as his pitch to reel artists in 😂 #youhadmeatchrissyhttps://t.co/olgmvoy05iThe @Xfinity stream beta app is fucking trash
10/8
2019

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