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Joined Twitter 5/6/16

you're upset I bought a waterbed aren't you "yes take it back" I lost the receipt *sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and he kept walking for a little bit
Retweeted by Bewgtherapist: are you able to recall your first brush with anxiety? me: yes.
Retweeted by Bewg @GroovyTasia @andlikelaura @robfromonline @PleaseBeGneiss @ericarhodes @thearibradford @ellewasamistake @mom_tho likes shadow puppets? A show of hands
Where are you, emotionally? I’m Ronald Duck answer: no Long answer: nnnnoooo @hotrodwinston Nice try, pal. The world already moves on its own @HengOSowilo I have never notDo you have any idea how many things have not killed me? Take a guess, hotshot. Like all of them. But have they mad… what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the…
Retweeted by Bewg @DaveTheMuppet This is a no smoking zone hotshot, enjoy prisonI regret to inform my fans that I could not leap a tall building regardless of how many boundsIf I’m on a plane at 10,000 feet and you jump off I’m not impressed. If I’m on a plane at 10,000 feet and you jump on? You have my attention
Retweeted by Bewg[giving eulogy at a seagull funeral] he fuckin loved garbage
Retweeted by Bewgone time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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@djb805 NO!!! (Yes) @BattieJH Are you calling google a liar @Berberis Twin wut @dave_cactus I won’t, I will not do that[inventing crickets] make them love bad jokes
Retweeted by BewgI was today years old when I learned it’s “Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey. A kiddley divey too”If I’m on a plane at 10,000 feet and you jump off I’m not impressed. If I’m on a plane at 10,000 feet and you jump on? You have my attentionDetective: leave no stone unturned Me: just say, turn every stone Detective: oh shitEarth is dirt ravioli.
@Ygrene He ded thoI would like to grow a beard but like on someone else’s face until it has fully matured
me: you stole my joke dude: CALM DOWN it’s only Twitter me: retweet mine then dude: NEVER! MY TIMELINE IS A NUANCED BRAND
Retweeted by BewgI enter the cookout and walk up to the biggest dad in the yard. I pull a quarter from his ear. Silence sweeps acros…
Retweeted by BewgIf you want to stop a dog from playing just press paws.
Retweeted by BewgMe: Rickshaw driver, turn the hot tub on and fetch me that loofah Hot dog cart vendor: it’s a roll
Retweeted by BewgIf you hold your dog up to the light and don’t see the security strip, it’s a counterfeit dog
Retweeted by Bewg @dakarrier Slow down hotshot, we don’t need to touch the sun @Dylan_Housman donut, but it’s a filet-o-fish with a tartar sauce filling.Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymor…
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@Prof_Hinkley Sonofa
Me: your honor, insomnia isn’t a crime. This is ridiculous Judge: son, you were actually charged with *sunglasses…
Retweeted by Bewg @Mom_Overboard @cellapaz Me, I did that (I didn’t)Me: your honor, insomnia isn’t a crime. This is ridiculous Judge: son, you were actually charged with *sunglasses… @kieransofar I love thisme: i wish i was immortal genie: done [later] ㅤ won’t just pixar lamp: why…
Retweeted by BewgWaiter: I bet you’re not used to only having two sides A SENTIENT STOP SIGN: *throws down napkin* you son of a bitch
Kylo Ren is short for "kindly lower the rent please".
Retweeted by BewgInterviewer: who are these people with you? Me: My squad. My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Retweeted by BewgI awaken and slowly make my way to the kitchen. As coffee brews I open an empty mason jar and scream into it. Once…
Retweeted by BewgYou ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’…
Retweeted by BewgMe: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls Me: oh I’m not a cop lol
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@ryan2one3 Sonofa @OctopusCaveman you have cold dead hands you better believe I will pry stuff from them because I am The Cold Dead Hands Burglar…
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I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
Retweeted by BewgMe: *tips server* I.T. Person: wtf
Retweeted by Bewg @eff_yeah_steph
。 o ○ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ╮ ( Apologies without change is ) ( manipulation…
Retweeted by Bewg。 o ○ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ◜ ͡ ◜◝ ╮ ( Apologies without change is ) ( manipulation… together every condiment in my fridge; calling it "jungle sauce."
Retweeted by BewgA vegetarian sub shop called never meat your heroes.
Retweeted by Bewgchewing on progressively harder rocks everyday until one day I can eat a mountain
Retweeted by BewgI use 10 percent of my brain for day to day stuff. The rest is all Wu Tang.
Retweeted by Bewg @momjeansplease Club sandwich
Me: I never thought I would become a sugar daddy. Daughter: Again, it’s called diabetes.
@ObscureGent @ObscureAaron James, I’m so sorry. My condolences to you and your family ❤️
This is going to sound paranoid but I’m starting to think there are some people who aren’t constantly thinking about me
Retweeted by Bewgwe all need to come together and get away from each other
Retweeted by BewgYour problems are self indulgent. Let me explain why by using me as an example....
Retweeted by BewgYour email didn’t find me, Linda. You sent it to me, grow up
Retweeted by BewgY'see, ma'am, these oats are....*leans in close*... titanium cut.
Retweeted by BewgMedusa was asked not to return to Sea World
Retweeted by Bewg[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL] You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.
Retweeted by BewgYou never really forget how to misquote sayings. It's like buying a bicycle
Retweeted by Bewg"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?" I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Retweeted by BewgEvery Sarah is descended from a single Trisarahtops dinosaur this is a secret Ancestry dot com doesn't want you to…
Retweeted by Bewg[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Retweeted by Bewg*shakes wife awake* *whispers* Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again.
Retweeted by BewgBANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name ME: Robin BT: and a last? ME: Dabanc BT: so ur Robin Dabanc Me: *slowly reveals gun*
Retweeted by BewgThere once was a man from Nantucket Who worked at a job in Nantucket At night he went home & slept in his home I clarify, this was Nantucket
Retweeted by Bewg[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets] CEO: so you just drink them? ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out…
Retweeted by Bewgi begin typing on an old typewriter, "a werewolf is steering a submarine" but then stop. i crunch up the paper and…
Retweeted by Bewg @dave_cactus Did I see an Edward cameo lolDAVE GROHL: When. WAITER: *keeps grinding pepper* DAVE GROHL: *nods approvingly*
Retweeted by BewgBefore posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Retweeted by BewgWhy stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Retweeted by BewgOne time I almost accidentally shot myself but luckily I had another gun on me and was able to shoot the first gun away in time.
Retweeted by Bewg[meteor hitting earth] Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Retweeted by BewgI came here to do two things: pray and quote Natalie Imbruglia, and I’m all out of faith
Retweeted by Bewga murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Retweeted by Bewg[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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@clebdotcom @dadthatwrites"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
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What are you guys giving up for New Years? Me? I’m just giving up
[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Retweeted by Bewg @whatsJo Enter the rhu @whatsJo He ain’t nothin to fuck with
[January 1st] Moon: whatcha gonna do today Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Retweeted by BewgBig day today for everyone out there that celebrates years
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@virgikrebs His hand is in his back pocketI feel like this photo is an ad for pockets