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when I was a kid I knew pro wrestling was fake but I thought The Undertaker was actually magic. he/him.

1,237 Following   1,147 Followers   119,817 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/23/08

@chokeofgrief Big relate.You’ve been warned. once and a while my mind will wander to Ann Wilson belting out “Black Hole Sun” on Kimmel the night after Chr… @DylanRoth Ah, Bellllllllllla. a ghost detected by my cat write this
Retweeted by Evan Essence @atrupar I’m Kermit, who isn’t sure what this is all about or why he’s been included but he’s happy just to be in people’s thoughts. @ApertureHeart You are wrong but you are brave to say it.Sorry for all the dong talk, here, cleanse your TL.
Anyway I managed to get back at it and finish working out, but I did that thing where I forgot if I was on my secon… only "Putin" i want to hear joe biden talking about is when he's "putin" $2000 checks in everyone's hands
Retweeted by Evan Essence @mikelevelsup I appreciate it. My guy is gonna be like a star QB at training camp for the next few days: Strictly no contact.“This is definitely in the top five worst things to happen to my penis.”Bands: *SNAP* Me: ARGH! *thud* Caitlin: What happened? Me: Caitlin: Are you okay? Me: Me: WhuhuhuhuhhhhhhhMy exact reaction: downside of working out with resistance bands: sometimes the strap you’re using to anchor them to a door breaks…, jura Xnguela Unua fnlf “Punbf Zntvp”: WandaVision spoilers in Rot13 next tweet:Happy Birthday Bloodsport. 🔥🥋
Retweeted by Evan Essence🤝 Mike Myers tbh @StillYourGhost @StillYourGhost This to me is as important a piece of Wrestling TV Ephemera as MTV’s True Life: I’m A Pro Wrestler,… the Senate parliamentarian got in the way of the Bush tax cut, Republicans fired him and passed it anyways.
Retweeted by Evan Essence @StillYourGhost @StillYourGhost Yes. Watch that episode. Trent gets fed like a baby bird. @StephenRayGarza Somebody made a joke that TNT’s next new program should be “The Go Brian Danielson Show” @ginger_jewels They’re WandaVision spoilers in the rot13 cypherYou ever just need to hug a cat and let your feelings out?How can you look at the buildup of Shaq and how Paul Wight is debuting the exact same week Shaq wrestles for AEW fo… Vg znxrf frafr gung JnaqnIvfvba jbhyq qb n Pyvc-Fubj Rcvfbqr.Is it too much of a spoiler to say “It’s really funny that The Scarlet Witch drives a Buick”?Muppet scrunchy face, RT if you agree
Retweeted by Evan Essence @jamesdleech Anyway “Stone Cold but he smokes weed instead of drinking beer” is just RVD. @jamesdleech “My joints always seemed to disappear whenever Jim Ross or Bruce Prichard were around...”Half of employees who make under $15 an hour get food stamps, Medicaid and welfare. This costs taxpayers $107 billi…
Retweeted by Evan Essence
He posted up by the door with the lint roller and no one questioned a thing...
Retweeted by Evan Essence’m trying to delete it sorry sorry I’m tryingSuper Followers get to see hole @MarkOStack @uzionmain ROLL THE TAPE is my Lock Screen wallpaper on my phone now and I’ve just been staring at it omg be honest it’s pretty fucked up that we were gendering potatoes in the first place. @EndlessJeopardy Who is J.O. Edgar Hoover @BotPops It was a Po-Light Roast.Whenever I hear people call The Young Bucks’ dad “Papa Buck” I think of Amy Sedaris in “Elf” going “Papa Elf!? From the North Pole!?”If you’re one of those straight men who skipped the Magic Mikes because of the subject matter, ya fuckin up. that it’s been a day, when I first saw this announcement, I clicked through to the profile to see how somebody… out of my Biden funded housing facility and i've been doing just fine
Retweeted by Evan EssenceThis is a question for when I get bored of this WRECKFEST demolition derby car game.Asking because they’re both on Game Pass: Final Fantasy XII remaster or Dragon Quest 11? @EndlessJeopardy Who is Jojo Si-food.Any congressional commission into Who Crashed The Hot Dog Truck Into The Store should be equally comprised of store… Mark walked so Karate Man could run. @djsev *shakes head no* Kah...Rah...TAY!Ah shit, R.I.P. Jocephus.When you lariat somebody so hard they end up kicking you in the back of the head. That ol’ chestnut. it was THE ACCOUNTANT, which rules. Now we’re watching SHOOTER with Mahky Mahk. It’s so stupid. I love it.The best part of AEW DYNAMITE is just chilling and watching the dad-assed movies that come on after AEW DYNAMITE.My lil niece is so CUTE and it kills me I can’t be in AZ snugglin her @kathbarbadoro would be much more interested in Shaq teaming with his good friend The General
Retweeted by Evan EssenceI guess it shouldn’t be shocking that Fenix-Archer is really fucking good. @kathbarbadoro Like he’s pass up a chance to be “CHRISTIAN AF” and reference HBK.Jericho was just jealous somebody was wearing an uglier shirt than him. @The_MJF beat up their brother Malachi next.What the fuck is this shirt Matt & Nick’s dad is wearing.Oh no! Who spilled ketchup on apps Buck? #AEWDynamiteOk TBS, I see how this works. Make a show called "Go Bryan Danielson" next.
Retweeted by Evan EssenceMiro is just the fucking bestPopped huge for Darby Allin doing the HBK zip line entranceI’ve had my criticisms of Griff but he’s gotten better and more confident every time I’ve seen him, especially sinc…, after seeing that suicide dive: THAT’s who the fuck Griff Garrison is.Dexter Lumis looks like what Japanese fighting game character designers think white men all look like.
Retweeted by Evan EssenceMox sitting in a chair Cool Guy Style.Are You There, God? It'sa Me, Mario.
Retweeted by Evan Essence @Learnonaut Bet he’s a Mario main, the centrist motherfucker. @Learnonaut First of all, this is obviously a case of putting the most SEO-friendly and traffic-driving phrases in… @sammgilmore Holy shit Slim1 star review of dante’s inferno
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What a huge, huge episode for @JakeSomething_ on @IMPACTWRESTLINGNobody tell Scott D’Amore I’m skipping through Impact to watch the parts with @JakeSomething_Watching yesterday’s Impct Wrestling, which still has NXT Superstar Taya Valkyrie in their intro video.Lmao Max Payne. @JonHexLives I’ll expect he’s going to be at least as big a deal as Taz is in AEW right now, and Taz was not a Show-level get.Okay but seriously, what was the last WWE video game without Big Show in it? WWF WAR ZONE? @1FACADE Very Bayonetta, as far as final boss vibes go.Since I’m positive Paul Wight can’t be “Big Show” in AEW they should put him in a mask and make him Big Van Vaper.Tired: “What if Paul Wight in AEW means they’re gonna have him wrestle Shaq.” Wired: “What if Paul Wight in AEW me… Indie Wrestlers With “Christian” In Their Ring Names In A Trenchcoat is a clit
Retweeted by Evan EssenceThere’s winners and there’s losers, and he didn’t get caught on the wrong side of that line. “The Johnson & Johnson vaccine is safe, and gives you a two-thirds chance of not contracting COVID.” Me: for posting clickbait but this is extremely Relevant To My Interests and I know some of you on here can relat… @StillYourGhost That thing where you can hear a tweet out loud in your head.Paul Wight leading Evil Dark Order (Uno, Grayson, Preston, Tay & Jay) against Good Dark Order (Hangman, Silver, Rey… @TheOtherJeff This is funny to me because I just spent all morning building a spreadsheet for a Storage Wars-style… @Learnonaut Depends if they've kept up with renewing the trademark or not. @IoveIikebIood That's disappointing. I typically like Sapp. @IoveIikebIood Is this about Dave or somebody elseYou think they stick with calling him "Paul Wight" or do they go back to calling him "The Giant." I could see eithe… nothing sacred in this business