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Capt. Feral Phoenix. Author of 'Grassmarket Blood', 'ZOMBIE THATCHER' and others. Dad to @jodieaitken.

1,085 Following   8,947 Followers   33,513 Tweets

Joined Twitter 5/20/09

Madam’s about to shed. Just watched a video where someone decorated a pumpkin by painting it black and white Beetle…
Discovered that repeating the phrase ‘within cells interlinked’ over and over again whilst Murdo is trying to talk… morning! #savannahmonitorsofinstagram
“There’s a million things I do not know, but watch the show, watch the shoooow!!!” 😆😆 #GoT #GameOfThrones
@piersmorgan @imlaurabradshaw @loosewomen Wow. I hadn’t heard. But that’s incredibly shitty.The thing about giving a dragon indigestion is that you only get to do it once.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixI’ll just go ahead and leave this here. #TrumpHasCovid #TrumpCovid #TrumpVirus! Get some bleach and a syringe for the President!!! #TrumpHasCovid #TrumpVirus #Trump
Boris Johnson blaming rule-breakers. Weird how everyone stopped obeying the rules at the exact same time schools re…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixMy partner picked up the last Lloyd Grossman pasta sauce at Sainsbury’s. But what about the next pasta night? And t… @JohannaSaunders @wheezylouse We’re so fucked.Boris Johnson: Our single greatest weapon against this virus is common sense. British people phoned the fire briga…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @BrentSpiner What about a Happy Hatchday for Darwin?
Me watching Tim and sally teaming up #Corrie
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It seems we missed this one. So domestically and abroad, it's been entered into competition. And we're on the sound…
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Protector of the Realm here doesn’t like us making changes to his home without his say so. Didn’t get it on camera,… @SteelDalek1 Plenty. We already knew he’d been cheating on the mother of his latest child, but the super injunction… @BrentSpiner HERE COMES THE GENERAL... and his right stanky pant. #badbreathThe only thing I hate about Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is that it’s full of dicks. Just got shoved off a square b…
Lookit this babba snell! Coming on in leaps and bounds and shown next to one of the adults here. @stealthbadger @JohnCleese Feeling like I’ve severely missed out on whatever that was. Can you do it again?Animals are grateful when they feel Your humanity towards her ..
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixMurdo: *replaying early levels of Sniper Elite 4 so he can get enough intestine shots to acquire a gold version of… @WendyEJohnson He was my best bud. @chrismcfeely Yeah. Once I asked if anyone could think of a non-selfish reason to have kids, and I got a whole load… too! YOU! My bf just got a beautiful tattoo and my parents keep asking me what it’s meant to be, what it means and… @WendyEJohnson And no; we don’t need a permit, but we are getting all the help and support from Darwin’s breeder an… @WendyEJohnson We have two geckos now; Fury Ann and Goliath. I think the gecko you knew was Luna. He passed away unexpectedly 😔 @WendyEJohnson He’s basically my child.Full video of my person getting tattooed yesterday. Apparently it was nippy AF! You can see when Murdo is attemptin… @WendyEJohnson He’s a savannah monitor, and his name is Darwin. Coming up to a year old next month! @ardavey Yep, we sing that to him all the time. Although, he always acts like he’s not been fed in months 😂
@WendyEJohnson Still just a babba. He’ll grow anywhere up to 5ft! @ardavey He’s generally more like a scaley cat in temperament, tbh.Banan Fight: Round #237-ish... yes. All I ever drank was Irn Bru. I don’t know how I’m still alive 😂🤣 (PS. I never touch the stuff now!) @somegreybloke I can understand it. That was me as a child. I was completely oblivious. It didn’t seem to matter wh… @MPrepuce He’s in the cottage pictured a little ways to the right 😆 that is a posh AF tent though; it’s just been set up skew-whiff!I'm calling it. The tent bollocks is bullshit. No fucking way is lazy wankchops in a poxy tent. Its bollocks.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @AngryBritain @JeffBezos Well... yeah.Think I can hear... fireworks outside? But why 🤔 @BrentSpiner This is my life now. Fighting a monitor lizard for a stuffed banan. is how my boyfriend spent his day. using the word “lying” instead of calling everything “gaslighting”
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @ian_ibbotson Yes. 100%Apparently there’s an owl here.
I'm so over this Geoff storyline. #Corrie
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The trouble with staying two steps ahead, means occasionally you get ahead of yourself, too.
This @bouletbrothers double feature is EVERYTHING 😍😍😍😍 #DigitalPrideFest
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixWhat she said. @bouletbrothers we’re AMAZING tonight, because of course they were. #DigitalPrideFest2020 have a NaNoWriMo joke and it’s pretty novel.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @VioletRiotGames What even is a rice cooker, anyway? I’m not sure we have those in the UK. @VioletRiotGames Ermmmmm... my mum. I’ve never used a rice cooker in my life. Just a pan and boiling water on the job!alanis morissette: i want you to know that i'm happy for you ex boyfriend: aww :) alanis morissette: i wish nothi…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @BrentSpiner 😂🤣🤣
It’s been a loooooong day. I’m absolutely kersnackered. But looks like we’re good for launch tomorrow!…
@DarkFirebrand Sorry. @BrentSpiner What, being on Twitter watching men getting their balls pummelled in various different ways? Agreed.The unrealistic expectations support group has been canceled because not enough people signed up.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @craigwriter Hello you.How was this two years ago?!
Well, of course they did. FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️, I beg of you: before yet another NO MORE BRAS EVER HUH AMIRIGHT LADIES please just talk to one of your frien…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixSame. @ashleystorrie I’ve also hardly left the house at all since lockdown began. The thought of going into shops gives m…
“Moi, digging and causing a potentially unsafe work environment? I don’t know what you’re talking about, guv.”…
My two latest face masks!
Existential crisis, or just trying to get a Darwin to make his own way up the stairs? You decide.…
Been nestled into my side in the cosy warm for probably about 15 minutes now 💖 #savannhmonitorsofinstagram snell nursery. Bigger, with lots of lettuce and nice things. #snailgrandma @BrianRathbone Because that’s how you make Final Fantasy summonable monsters. Which one was that again? Ixion? @BrentSpiner Life is never boring with this boy. He surprises me every day. Lookit him with his banan! 💖 boy is worth it, though. He started playing the other day 💖 them all! Every time I go back, I find more for the snell nursery. #snailgrandma’ve spent the past few days in Snail Hell, having accidentally become a snail Grandma. I have probably 120+ tiny b… @chelseaherps @BarbiturateCat My beautiful savannah bosc monitor, Darwin 💖
Retweet for a follow #FF
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @wigmore_welsh Meeee!
Thank you @Jenna_Marbles for being you. Always. #weloveyoujennamarbles #WeLoveYouJenna @Jenna_Marbles I’m sorry if my tweet earlier sounded like I don’t respect your decision - whatever that is. My gut… you for making me look forward to every wednesday/thursday for the past decade. #weloveyoujennamarbles
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixTo the woman who has made me smile in the darkest times, Jenna thank you for helping me on sleepless nights from a…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @Jenna_Marbles Jenna PLEASE. You're a big light in the darkness.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixI didn't expect to be this upset over @Jenna_Marbles situation. But I am heartbroken. I feel like I'm losing a fri…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixI always wanted to draw @Jenna_Marbles #jennamarblesislovedparty Your outlook and handling of your life has given…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixDear @Jenna_Marbles You make me smile every week. Love watching your content, and you absolutely do not deserve thi… MUCH THIS
@DerekPoots @Regus_UK @RegusGlobal This is an absolute disgrace, and I don’t see how they’re going to have any cust… @BronwenPhoenix @Regus_UK @RegusGlobal We are in dispute too (Edinburgh office). They made us an offer of 'relief'…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixAnother day, another hustle, trying to find the rent money @Regus_UK want from me despite I have 3 kids off school…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @AD_Gorman @onefouroneb2b @Regus_UK @Trustpilot I suspect they do not yet realise that they are in the middle of a…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixHey @Regus_UK I’d like to see this contract I supposedly ‘signed’ a few weeks ago. Can you provide me proof of my signature, please? @markaizatt @Regus_UK A great shame that Regus are absolute robbing bastards, otherwise that might appear positive.
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenixSo lovely to see another monthly payment leave my bank account for office space I havent used since March 23rd - th…
Retweeted by BronwenWinterPhoenix @AD_Gorman @AliceCripps3 @spacesworks @Regus_UK I suspect he doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter, though 🤷🏻‍♀️ @AndrewdataHE @the_tpa @Regus_UK @British_Airways @GOVUK @hmtreasury @glennsanger ** mentioned ..... All competit…
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