Sign in with Twitter


Alice Tew @BuckinghamAlice Birmingham, England

Commit to hearing from me monthly at

982 Following   3,460 Followers   22,659 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/7/09

Me after trying something for the first time and not getting it 100% right @CmonHarris So qt @iggigg Put off because everyone who has mentioned it to me so far has been a dickhead. However, you’re not so you have given me hopeIs Rowan’s, like, a cult?
I am very sad and drunk! Goodnight!2. When my dad died, my grandad came around immediately and said he would fix it. Which is ludicrous, actually, but… One of the things I can remember him saying most often is “I’ll vote for a pack of bloody monkeys before I vote for the bloody Tories”Two more things about my brilliant grandad before I stop drinking wine and pouring sadness over Twitter and just be quiet and sad:A weird thing about grief is that it really feels like breaking news that should take over normal programming and e… for a protective surpriseHere is my wonderful and perfect grandad enjoying a beer with his favourite member of the family… there anything more ageing than when the parent of a child calls you “the lady?” “Mind the lady!” I thought I…
How about everyone just shuts up for an hour
@realliamager He is fit but absolutely awful at the accent he insists on doing for every role he gets @realliamager Tom Hardy is stressed about this tweet @alexeptable Put this on a billboard, you are an unstoppable babe @alexeptable Straight to the butt. Always. Just, why offer? @alexeptable Butt massage is what men do when they say they’ll give you a back massageSame energy remnants of a great Valentines Day gift in my hotel lobby. “I’ll protect your shoes if you protect my heart 💓… @accid_pop This place is cool, you can just sit and eat loads of different food and drink wine for ages on Valentine’s Day: I love Love!!!!💓 💕 ❣️ *quietly* only if it’s directed at meAnyone: Valent- Me:
2020 too could meet... this dweeb played just before I saw Parasite tonight and I was cackling like a maniac in the back rowPlease watch this hilarious advert for Tory Fest 2020 @EwaSR In a previous company they set up a 'crush wall' where you could write an anonymous post-it to someone for V… up the flat I’m due to view on street view and it seems perfect for me! @iggigg You too bb (all of your feelings are valid *bangs gavel*) xx @iggigg Yeah, I always feel frustrated and sad when there is a 'woman shuts down X' or 'handled it like a queen' na… @iggigg and then questioning myself for my feelings towards her and urgh, just call off the NME Awards and also men and today. @iggigg Yes! I was... heartened (? encouraged?) to see him instantly called out for it last night but then disappoi… much a Cool Girl energy running through the whole chat and I'm not into it. @gamray I'll take whatever I can get in the current climateWhen Tories lose their jobs, please just let me react however I like if a man puts me in a headlock to smell his "cologne" thank you.Very neat how there is a lot of discussion about a woman’s reaction to a sexually aggressive man and not that much… @accid_pop I think I could recite that episode word for word?The NME Awards began and ended with Ryan Jarman skewering himself on the Kaiser Chief’s table and then telling the…“He’s ruined his career!” and boy has he!!!! I for one cannot think of one single example in which a man has acted…
Onlyfans and horses
Retweeted by Alice TewLook, if you’re going to soundtrack a montage with God Only Knows then I’m going to cry.The man in the room next to me is watching The Big Bang Theory at deafening volume and laughing to himself at every… have updated my website to reflect some of last year’s professional endeavours, read it and weep (and consider me…
Retweeted by Alice Tew @alexeptable Mine are from Zara and are holding up. Yet to find a none legging/fitted pair that don't make me look… trousers are my personality now and you'll have to prize them from my cold, dead handsEr excuse me returning to twitter 3 hours after saying I don’t like eggs @alexeptable Was going to play along but I really just cannot entertain a low rise jean in any capacity @alexeptable Open for a 00s surpriseRegret to inform you that it’s 2007 and cardigans are back
Rory Stewart reminds me of something creepy that I've seen at some point in my childhood and have repressed so can'… @gracepetrie i fucking will notI think that what we actually need right now are superspreaders of kindness @gracepetrie No this is where he left me, tied up to a post with a bag of my things @alexeptable @sophiepenrose I need what I believe the influencers call 'a dupe' @accid_pop Not entirely convinced he’s not a Sacha Baron Cohen character at this point because it’s the only thing that makes senseWhen you leave boarding school and meet a woman for the first time
Retweeted by Alice Tew a lot of my free time searching for the underwear Julia Fox wears in Uncut Gems."Just because I voted Conservative, doesn't make me a raci-" Well it does, because this is who you've aligned yours… that's satire, baby. an extreme example, sure
2020, I hate it identifying this as a problem in your life considering the one simple, basic and banal task I accomplished today careful out there folks #StormCiara
Retweeted by Alice TewHe did say I should consider a career in politics but I think that was the morphine.
Linehan mused to get. The Tories. Out. Eventually)My grandad is dying and today when I saw him I told him I’d joined the Labour Party and he said he was proud of me…
@gracepetrie @realliamager I don’t but one of the stupid people I’m cooking for does. Maybe I’ll just chuck some in to spice up the evening. @realliamager YES. I was hoping people would come through with mushrooms because I love mushrooms but everyone is saying butternut squashWayne Lineker wishing his mate happy birthday, here @chris_mandle I will @chris_mandle Popping the prosecco open nowI want to make a risotto tonight and don't want to mess it up and for it to be nice. How do I not mess it up? And a…
And as the 4,563rd person to make this joke I actually win a prize. So, joke’s on you for rolling your eyes at me.Reception at Pizza Express in Woking. @hansmollman holy lord you are fit
@alexeptable Inspired by you bbEverything is horrible! @alexeptable I would probably put it on my tits if it made them look as good as my eyelashes. @alexeptable This has been the first joyous thing I've seen all day
“Ideally I’m looking for dark hair, red jumper and quite a large face.” “Ok and what about personality?” “I don’t m…
Retweeted by Alice Tew @alexeptable That ridiculous story has ruined them for me a bit. It's all I can think about @alexeptable Thank you my love and also yes, every day. I use waterproof because apparently it makes your lashes hold a curl for longerMy favourite little money-losing asset @alexeptable L’Oréal paradise - unbeatable
Uncut Gems (2019)
Retweeted by Alice Tew @ThatKatyaGirl An iconic versionA picture you can hear: wearing a black polo neck, again: @gracepetrie What a gift! Thank you! @alexeptable Oh my god. Open for a sexy surprise @gracepetrie What an absolute square. Nothing gets me more than liberal use of swear words @Bear_Platt Yessss. One my fave swear songs.