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comedian and writer at whom nobody has ever been mad. thin and popular in the relatable way.

1,005 Following   141,465 Followers   40,574 Tweets

Joined Twitter 10/14/10

I don’t say this lightly. it’s something I’ve put a lot of thought into and really agonized over because I take thi… y’all don’t like to have real conversations on here 🐸 ☕️
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻
@monicaheisey “look, do I hate them? no. do they seem nice enough? yes. do I get how some people *can* like them? o… may not be a more ethical shit talker on earth than me. you won’t find somebody who gives more “credit where… @itssspencer fuck this is horriblecelebrities posting like: “just voted, think I earned tonight’s glass of wine 😜” noooo you haven’t. say who you vo… soul hive please dox this person baby using a baby voice on a puppy. the most wholesome thing you’ll see today.
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻TOMORROW NITE Sandy Honig and I are hosting a fundraiser for @TheoHen95302259 brought to you by @ktownforall!!! CO…
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @abowlofserio lol @theashleyray louder now! seeing @calebsaysthings in @FargoFX.
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the song sex & candy is so vile to me. if you SMELL sex and candy you better fuckin keep it to yourself. @saggiesplinters @BLJoseph_Video maggie we’ve done bad improv *together* @BLJoseph_Video noted! so you know the answer is del close then :( @BLJoseph_Video a lot of improv is bad. but most of your favorite comedians learned a lot from *doing* bad improv.… @alanfgiles jesus alan lmaodoes this look like an appropriate father/son relationship to you find the idea of a mass human extinction kind of comforting but only if it comes as a singular event. like awww w… @reese_shapiro everybody get over it already @clairefavs your characters are a prime example!!! @AshleyWeiler absolutely. @derryqueenhaha, @aunty_chan, @misslubriderm -- I could do this all day. @thmstern hahahahaidk what the question is but the answer is chicago comedy and chicago comics. @NickShoetrees joe pesci died ageDad talks to siri
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻couldn’t be me and my boys, I know that much. the chat is PACKED with “I love you” texts. hugs are on tap who’s much of masculinity is about weaponizing your own trauma against other men to put or keep them in their place. i… Twitter after a few hours offline and digging into the biden father/son photo discourse @caitiedelaney wide open spaces by the chicks frankly @mikeledddy soon!!!
@JacksonRickun I knew you’d show your face heredo any of my followers work at foreign banks? and if so, can you help me do crimes with my money? taxes are fuckin up my lifestyle lol. @allanmcatee it works on me :( @SafyHallanFarah lol here she goes @daddichyll censorship??? i'm sick. @ImARossi hahahaha I love you!!! @themysteryjeff @GregHolmanNL @MissouriState @vulture jeff & greg two nice guys being nice who’s surprised @atdanwhite this was big of you considering our long-standing feud @chanceisloud @ealtman another day of emily altman stans eating well & we’re talking about me??? I don’t see it. @shaydbeats ty babe I’m only here for lesbians ❤️ @MickNurhling lol the way this reads like we’ve never metgoing exactly how I planned on insta btw‘s hard to be interviewed as “up and coming” without sounding like a douche but @calebsaysthings nailed it. Usual…
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @saggiesplinters every comedian I know is gonna text me some version of this and I deserve that @ChrisGethard @megh_wright thank you megh! & chris! two nice people I’s my full interview with vulture. I’m scared it will change the way we talk about being a 25 year old gay come… is @calebsaysthings's comedy in five words:
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻wtf is venture capital bitch get a jobgod I fucking love chicago your friends in swing states like you’re still friends
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @christinasueann absolutely, thank you for pointing out!
logging on to zoom and getting started with the agenda
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻“professionalism” is a brain disease for people who don’t have enough legitimate power so they create and exacerbat… @werqinggirl love yaaaaa 😊 @PAIGE_ofpaper @JohnnyBerchtold it iscashier: debit or credit? me:’t live with myself knowing I’m the person who makes the group text green. enjoy the speed, herbie fully load…
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 I just got to the episode in season three where they do a cgi scene with the grandma lmao it looks horrible sh…
@_ayeja exactly & my loves ones know this ❤️weeping 🥺 @reese_shapiro nooooo, no, c’mon who know theatre are always saying some shit like “did you ever see Mr. Gareth’s Considerable Heartbreak?” a…
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @ramenrams wait this did numberrssssss lol @caitiedelaney which is pretty much already my vibe now imagine I was GOODcould you imagine my attitude if I could sing like this @tanerelle I want names 😂 @samantha_park_ civil discourse is not a priority to methis tweet didn’t need the f word but I’m watching the sopranos right nowif the media is silencing conservative voices how come I keep hearing from these fucking losers. is there an actblu… @davebentley24 I don’t know I’d need to smell it but it seems like maybe it’s okay @davebentley24 what are we talking, warm scents? like apple cinnamon? apple pie?thank you for asking. citrus scents in candles = trash. citrus scents in cleaning supplies = god tier. @janinebrito and you are correctI’m getting death threats over thisthis is gonna piss some people off but with all due respect: candles called “sea breeze island linens” are trash.…
You simply must meet Uncle Rusty. @calebsaysthings is hilarious, which you already know, but it never hurts to reit…
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @LucasisJesus thanks for coming out :)
@BigHern I was trying to be professional but it was Steve who did this @theKHUE yeahMom please pick me up, they out here separating art from the artist
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻 @NickStopTalking lmao some of the replies to this...
s2e2 — not this continued relationship between uncle jun and tony. if somebody tried to have me whacked we wouldn’t…😂
Retweeted by 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗯 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗻I wonder if god ever looks upon what he’s made and regrets it @MarciaBelsky not this @allanmcatee oh wait the fries this is fucked up @allanmcatee it is 25 right @ramenrams exactlyepisode 12 — I cannot believe fans of this show seem to love Livia. I hate this bitch. does she get interesting in… are my tevas? I wanna start some trouble tonight.I would stan this woman with every fiber of my being if only she were horny for bernie or michael b jordan or anybo…’t stop watching this. she’s so horny, so charmingly nervous, so desperate for attention from a guy who doesn’t…
@funnylooking2u2 inspiring to see you run that mouth with no lips. rooting for you babe 💕the worst thing about joe biden is the cutesy “obsessed with ice cream” branding. what we NEED to see is you eating… @hollyholladay love that journey for you. blocking your number but sending good vibes ❤️That’s awesome dude good for you
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