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Humorist/Artist/Absurdist, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (Views here are mines own)

659 Following   1,143 Followers   2,721 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/8/10


Damn if mercury in retrograde keeps doing this shit why haven’t we blown mercury up yet
3/23
2019
It sucks that you gotta go viral before you ask folks to look at your SoundCloud to up your listens from 15 a song… https://t.co/zHFONVUDVzI will no longer wait for a science fair I must give my findings now: my body can hold 2 beers of piss
3/21
2019
@carolimeschaper @schlife Mine is almond so it almost tricked me https://t.co/qx5VZJBFwRim out here tryna wake up but starbucks gave me a big ol cup of warm milk???Finally got a menu item named after me! https://t.co/i9AcT8unCT
3/20
2019
Me: don’t ask me any questions about this movie I don’t have any answers My roommate: ok My roommate: what’s that… https://t.co/Anf2Mu2rrU
3/19
2019
TEACHER: “Ethan, you did a watermelon lamp last science fair.” ETHAN: “Yeah but...” (everybody say it with me) “… https://t.co/pqWoCWlRoZ
Retweeted by Cassidy Routh 🕷My body is rejecting its host (also my body)Sometimes I don’t smoke weed cause I’m too lazy. How do people call folks who smoke every day lazy? Today I got up… https://t.co/DUnAnp1aF3
3/18
2019
Well u lost my vote bitch!!! https://t.co/xghosDxvvfMy Uber driver just committed the cardinal sin of cutting off Gaga during her buildup in Shallow to play Despacito. 4 Stars.
3/17
2019
U guys kno ‘the secret’? Imma secret this: I want dogLove that we have a chair just to piss into and a room exists just for that chair
3/16
2019
I’m an open book https://t.co/tHcH0tANQO
3/15
2019
@coffintexts_ @morganfbryson @DaygeeKwia @paperwater the look the feel the sound of HOME
3/14
2019
Remember I’ve always been an incredible talent https://t.co/F52i6EByGTunpopular opinion: lettuce is badfuck this before i go viral? illegal https://t.co/p5gTRwVDfH @schlife i WILL fight you. LEAVE BILLY H MACY ALONE.i made my boss a cartoon cuz thats what she wanted, but we can't figure out how to turn her back :( https://t.co/FnSNfcaBa1
3/13
2019
Please, step into my office. https://t.co/9mu3GObtiZ @paperwater i think im bad at catch @JustthetipInmar @paperwater Only I get revenge on mei cant figure out why people talkin bout this dude https://t.co/GG3J5SsAXV
3/12
2019
@schlife This time it was in my bag ?!
3/11
2019
I lost my tv remote again so now I’m learning to write at a 1st grade level https://t.co/qc13PrnOKBThank god there was a time change I was almost concerned I slept til 2You: what’s ur go to karaoke song? Me: Every time I go to karaoke I pick a song I know I like & then it comes on &… https://t.co/qz5khLmXxb
3/10
2019
Deadass..... is this a threat https://t.co/Nv6JJmuaIxHappy international Women’s day to me, a woman desperate for human connection 🤙🏼REMINDER: all ‘nice guys’ are selfish pieces of shit @corypalmer Ty @krispy_kreen This is my favorite thing @rrmndr Different text referencing yet unsent text https://t.co/HQDf9uHHONY’all ever consider sending a risky text just to feel something?
3/8
2019
It's genuinely concerning to me that Gritty is seeming more and more normcoreDAISO OPENING IN NY!!! 😍
3/7
2019
@ecorty this part of a body or a map of a venue?
3/5
2019
https://t.co/h3cvS3pTuh @cornstollio Go to Kiehls or Sephora & ask for SAMPLES they free & good @schlife @ComedyBrooklyn A Zach is Born私わ可愛い。(^ー^) I’m learning Japanese & as you can see, I am essentially fluent.
3/4
2019
@schlife Ur not!! I live there by choice!
3/3
2019
I’m very drunk at a restaurant what does this mean? Bitch Really Uh oh No u can’t Cassidy K Let me see you one, t… https://t.co/rTqF7vPUzs @morganfbryson She’s just so stunningTruly blessed that I get to wake up to this every morning 💋 https://t.co/FhRDXoHsop @morganfbryson I only kno the white versions of movies because I am bad (also I didn’t have cable growing up) @morganfbryson Wait did you watch something called Seventeen a 2nd time or did you watch 17 again starring Zac Efron and Matthew Perry?????
3/2
2019
@DanSpenser I wish I were a scrawny’unJust found out I’m not immortal and honestly.. I’m pissed??? @YoniWolf This is my biggest pet peeve! It should concern the therapist that I am so good at pretending I am ok! 😒
3/1
2019
i just found out i have this tweet bookmarked https://t.co/K6Pw18jslS @gilbertjasono @Nicole_Cliffe u sure know how to devastate!!!!Congratulations to T-Pain on your win on season one of #TheMaskedSinger Please consider me to be a producer on seas… https://t.co/LyJ929EnTm
Retweeted by Cassidy Routh 🕷.@morganfbryson & I syncing up our Netflix streams & getting excited like we forgot about regular tv
2/28
2019
i had to listen to them sing all of these hundreds of times. https://t.co/ZwxCH0FMqwI HAVE FOUND THE CURE FOR MIGRAINES: 1 - actually take ur imitrex 2 - ice your whole head 3 - take a bath??? U R CURED!! GO TO WORK! @morganfbryson To be fair he did text right back & I hadn’t texted him in 2 weeks either lmao. But ya I’ll come to Miami u right @morganfbryson Lmao I talk 2 boys twice a year I truly believed @morganfbryson He says he’s been working like 2 weeks straight soooo it wasn’t a ghost??? He want to hang???https://t.co/2BDaaGWHJy @missbreton 🚨@schlife 🚨Just about 100% sure I’ve been ghosted but that won’t keep me from checking in 😎
2/27
2019
@nsilverberg THANK YOUI can’t find my amazon firetv remote even tho I used it earlier today & my room is clean. @amazon pls send a sentie… https://t.co/f5IO3bA2OZNot liking cats is a boring personality trait & I fully hate you for it
2/25
2019
Trying to make a list of stuff to do & I guess I’ll knit when I die?? Kerning is important!!! https://t.co/62GkF8pkGL @TheHardMantra 🚨 @schlife 🚨for those ~not in the know~ G&G is Riverdale Dungeons and DragonsI have written a crossover script: Riverdale meets ME! https://t.co/6HYlXSXkgSWhere am i supposed to watch the Oscars wearing a gown and/or pajamas now that @ashleyn1cole has moved to LA??
2/24
2019
@JamesFolta I laughed audibly at this!!! @TheHardMantra DAMN FACTSJust opened my Harry Styles album to discover he is also my one true love? I know 47382962717 of you said this first but.. this is real?I got a big cardboard box & painted it to look like a box of Kix cereal & cut out arm holes and waved at people dri… https://t.co/X4A1lX7fla
2/23
2019
R u a good girl? I dont believe u unless you order milk @ bar https://t.co/qniiGpcnRlCan you believe it was only $4 at a seashell shop? https://t.co/wHEsYuih5z
2/20
2019
ARE U FURREAL 🥰😍🤩 https://t.co/Mey9kxohYI @nsilverberg @ForeverDogTeam I’ll come on and exclusively talk about Dr. Gregory House 😈POLL: did we do 2013? I don’t recallFace masks are so 20 minutes ago. Its all about the FOOT MASK NOW. https://t.co/fUGTXdfBrn @TheHardMantra Save me a bowl!!! @TheHardMantra I beg you to buy thisSitting here listening to an orchestral version of Strangers in the Night & knitting, thinking shit like ‘pardon me… https://t.co/BdIxGtQlvf
2/18
2019
@karencheee I just did that smile at this tweet!!
2/17
2019
I’m gagged by how ungagged I am
2/16
2019
buy my garbage so people think ur rich & bad https://t.co/ZgBndhc6n4 https://t.co/jnrgTBC4Ld
2/15
2019
10 years ago i thought i was going to have a valentine's date but instead he spent the whole day at the mall with h… https://t.co/oydDSSNXUz
2/14
2019
they say you only need 3 pieces of tape to wrap the perfect gift, but god wrapped my bones with skin using no tape at all @j_endlesssummer this is a huge relief for me too!I think about how Dwight said his piss was green every day. My dude ate beets almost exclusively, this was a huge m… https://t.co/FaUtZnvw3JTech is so chill, always reminding me to listen to the bops https://t.co/J4QgP8jHuF
2/13
2019
If I tweet 100 times a day will I get a viral?
2/11
2019
For Valentines Day this year I’m taking myself on a date to learn Japanese instead of the usual staying in and pret… https://t.co/YwmaTFBZLxMy roommate just apologized for SNEEZING can I legally murder her?Wait I’m sry, Chr*s Hardw*ck is still doing AMC aftershows? AMC, das nasty 👎Greyhound buses are so fucking tight (I’m not on one I just wanted to say)
2/10
2019
@JustthetipInmar Spyro
2/9
2019
last year i spent $120 on Boingo Hotspot the Airport WiFi this year imma budget weekly to stop shit like that from happening
2/8
2019

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