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steam cleaning the couch, oh god, the water is gross, just don't look at it. - a haiku @Robert_Craig yes @CarbonatedCB with flecks of raspberry and chocolate! @1ofthe7dwarves no, but I should start.*writing on an icecream cake* S O R R Y A B O U T T H E P R O L A P S E[after a camel escaped from the zoo] REPORTER: Can you tell us what you saw? ME: A ROLLERCOASTER HORSE
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @BadRonen I love hot pockets.*playing the harp* You like that? Yeah you do.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Excuse me, ma’am? Where would I find an “I’m sorry it got in your hair” card?
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙“So I found this on Pinterest...” -words a husband never wants to hear
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Ohhhhh, I thought you meant read sheet music. No, I cannot "read", per se.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙The insurance company won’t replace the wardrobe we lost in the tornado, so we’re suing them for redress
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Bartender: would you like a lime? Me: hit me baby, one more lime. 🎶 Bartender: you've had enough.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @ExcellentAF You just need stronger coffee! I promise if I make you a cup, you'll be on the toilet before you finish it @spacecheetos @adamgreattweet https://t.co/N7NC6px2W2 @595moore https://t.co/lOVwOaqZoq @Tobi_Is_Fab https://t.co/02akKIYqWg @ExcellentAF https://t.co/MhpftLw40J @purcival 🎶citruslessness is killing me (and now) I must confess I've got scurvy (got scur-vy) scars open up so… https://t.co/RUNdOd6Pi8 @colleen_eileen @DarthJML @drinksmcgee @Tobi_Is_Fab @FeralFerrell @mattewe02 @awkwardenabled @someonelikesmeg… https://t.co/yQWcYM0nMg @reallifemommy3 people underestimate how much a good bowel movement can improve outlook and day. no need to carry… https://t.co/Y2B04NYRtVgood morning! I hope everyone has great poops today.get my shit together? in this economy? @BabaforNoah well I mean the email just looked so convincing, but +w1ttersupp0rt might've been a bit of a giveawaymonday night is now for horny tweets @someonelikesmeg amazing. you can tell me how you found out about this laterI wonder if I can claim onlyfans on my taxes? At this point it's just as educational as it is stimulating.if he doesn’t let his foods touch, he won’t do that thing you like
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Confession time is upon us. Repent, all ye heathens. What are your sins? https://t.co/sfiSAYOaoq
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙why can't CAPTCHA just sense my panic
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙sometimes opening the twitter app is like being choked but not in the fun sexy way
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙my favourite bit of a tv series is at the end when i can finally read the reviews to work out how i felt about it
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙A Batman style utility belt where every compartment has a different flavor jelly bean
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙i'm not a sprayer i just flush a lot
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙accountant: your credit score is absolutely tanking. me: maybe we could fudge some numbers? accountant: no. me… https://t.co/6L2RFDRTpk
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙I hope this email has a very particular set of skills and will find you and will kill you.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Running a 5k? No, I’d rather walk 5 steps to the kitchen.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙

@AtRichieK wait doesn't everyone make their jello extra chewy? @Handbasket_ @adamgreattweet as a barista, I can confirm that overcaffeinated children are ten times the effort. @Handbasket_ @adamgreattweet hopefully you've started them on low caffeine drinks like lattes, so they can work the… https://t.co/XPG6xFUwD6non-microwaveable tea cups might be the worst invention ever; brilliant, a cup of tea I can't reheat.Super glue is just glue sent to earth from a dying planet
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙🏆 MAXWELL MONDAY TWEET CALL 🏆 We gotta get off this burning rock! I've designed a marvelous spacecraft that will… https://t.co/KLBKCUKIiK
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙them: why are you hitting your phone dads: trying to get a battery charge
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙don't tell me skoog and I weren't separated at birth. https://t.co/N6vjYydxTwI would totally run away with you, but running is hard. Let's walk away together, and stop for snacks every 5 minutes.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @iamabotdude https://t.co/JJr8qI6rCqI often find myself wondering what kind of ridiculous and horrific thing I have to tweet before people stop going "… https://t.co/KRx3BZBXs6 @laurastead @erichwithach I feel you, I often hear: "dude that's no 'haha' depressed, that's 'we're worried about y… https://t.co/3nRgIqWyIXmentally, I’m here https://t.co/iAqqK73kpK
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙have u noticed im tweeting a lot lately? Its bc im mentally unraveling
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @mattewe02 https://t.co/w6qalI8iz1 @featuringJANE https://t.co/sw67v3YkGXIn an effort to be more social in the new year...I wanted to be more interactive with everyone so I made us an acti… https://t.co/ukkeT5Cwnq
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙madly craving physical contact, so I'm glad I stole those mannequin arms to glue to my pillow. @SandwichGhoul way to tell me after the fact, max @SandwichGhoul oh son of a bitch @SandwichGhoul not but I've been paying for ps plus since I got itfinally dusting off the PS4 that I've been paying for for several yearsi feel seen https://t.co/z7IKVf2XHn
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙3 took a vitamin tonight and is now walking around saying “I love pills” to everyone. It would be wrong to give her… https://t.co/BJXg6bitk5
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Tired: Sunday night Wired: Sunday night before Trump’s last week in office
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Me: *slides envelope across table* everything you need to know about me is in here. Them: but this is empty Me: *nods*
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @TommyRainmaker I mean obviously it changes a bit each time but a favourite is https://t.co/hRWl47ZzZIi hope this email finds me well too
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @Jest_Iris @candyflippin https://t.co/Q9PylQ8IJf @Jest_Iris @candyflippin I don't know, I'm too baked, Alaska professional @Jest_Iris @candyflippin i don't know, I'm too baked, alaska professional @featuringJANE open minded doesn't involve a closed panini press😂 @featuringJANE this implies grilling/pressing and that feel like a soft no @perlhack provided the bread is soft enough. @good_vibes_girl but it's about my meat, not my meat.I love you guys but this isn't a dick joke 😂 https://t.co/SlYj4ziRR9if you serve it on a hot dog bun, is it still a manwich?if no depressed, why want be comedian?
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙of course the egyptians communicated in pictures, have you tried spelling hiyroglyffics?
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙bajillion dollar idea: a MAXIMUM wage
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙sometimes i get anxiety that a stranger from twitter is going to kidnap me but then i remember im 32 and not easy to carry
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Pigeons are city chickens and seagulls are beach chickens. No further questions.
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @MILFWEEED okay so we've got: chickens - chickens pigeons - city chickens seagulls - beach chickens tuna - chic… https://t.co/mwhJ82cZ7A

@onefatman @YeatesJM @Daveastated couldn't have asked for anything better @YeatesJM @Daveastated https://t.co/AeEDNqoB60of course the egyptians communicated in pictures, have you tried spelling hiyroglyffics?We’re talking about raising the minimum wage again and imagine that, the people who make a living wage are losing their minds
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙why am I craving cookies? https://t.co/zQKL8NNFtH @mattewe02 @SummerloveX0 I mean... ...I'd eat any of these @DocAtCDI Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He really made a spectacle of himselfRazors were marketed to women to shame them by being human and having body hair, which humans have always had and a… https://t.co/VfzyA1kxg2
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙Trent Reznor the day after eating maize at the fair: LOL NINcornpoop
Retweeted by ᒍᗩᑎᑌEᖇIᑕᕼ 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟙 @CynicalTherapi1 https://t.co/7hR8rNK4O5 @CynicalTherapi1 https://t.co/Ikte8TLSId @CynicalTherapi1 you're immediately much nicer than my therapist. I made the right choice @CynicalTherapi1 I get a hell yeah AND i get to be follower 6500?! what a grand day https://t.co/y7hO916tZz @shash_____ and I have been bribed into posting nudes at 2k. no comment on whether we'll be together for the photo https://t.co/KFBgB0UqIl @_nataliee8 @shash_____ you absolute beauty. 🥺 https://t.co/s7Rl5EcEyP @dimplesticks @shash_____ @LizerReal oh no I didn't even see the OP LMAO @shash_____ @LizerReal christ look at this man's hog @PopeAwesomeXIII @pantless_papple you can never really go home again. @PopeAwesomeXIII @pantless_papple and that is definitely low balling it.