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My parents could be anyone and so can I.

644 Following   656 Followers   25,063 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/7/11


The key to being a millennial is holding the appropriate amount of reverence for all of Liz Phair’s albums @jorhair This one feels illegalMeijer lemons
1/16
2021
Waiting for this book has been a significant portion of my personality for literal years I don’t know what to do wi… https://t.co/UVjmJ8gJyi @benjrainwrite Thought this was youhttps://t.co/GLR6tXxMLK
Retweeted by Matt Graham @kenniiminogue @peteypayless I’m only half Mexican!!Peter won’t stop texting me about mezcal pack it up Rick Bayless!!!!
1/15
2021
Naomi Beckwith Hive lemme here you make some fucking noise!!!!!!!! https://t.co/EMEMRtomV4She did😔 https://t.co/KPA1rTZ3aQI’m eating a fresh ass garden salad with ranch dressing AND croutons it’s like the fucking 90s in here!!!!A watched tracking number never boils @jorhair Jesus!
1/14
2021
If the media keep highlighting that he’s the first president to be impeached twice he’s going to think it’s an accomplishmentFuck Me by Your Peach @boneread3r 🤤Mattcha J Graham @blackbeltjonz Making a strong case against it here! @peteypayless gaslightingPeter is looking to top a girl please inquire within https://t.co/zHyIwzVo3t @sailorbluto This was actually one of my genie wishes @gimmedatbrain You: ^ The sun: https://t.co/WhNEcsSavP @nickybrownson Just a Gumby and his horse🥺 @nickybrownson My plans for the day🥰 https://t.co/w3yGznPXBI @kenniiminogue The other night I asked Siri to play 911 by lady gaga and she called the cops @kenniiminogue Oh dear, sweet Ken @tom___hack Is this where they filmed sense8 @jorhair One time someone sent me a private message during a zoom meeting and said “fix your face”I’ve been trying to meditate at night before bed which is great because now I’m extremely *focused* on and *mindful… https://t.co/UbiRuEE3Qz
1/13
2021
I for one am glad young people are doing stupid dances again @kenniiminogue I’m always saying this!!!Instagram is really really something else https://t.co/RLqOpbYcC7 @stephenautar Hi StephenIf you ever run out of rat glue traps you can use the laneige lip mask @kenniiminogue Yeah
1/12
2021
@nickybrownson True bees know @curtissnorman meDrank an entire pot of tea like the naughty Victorian child I amI finally understand Pooja's behaviour
Retweeted by Matt GrahamEvery tweet about the balloon gay starts with “imagine” NO! Why would I want to imagine him you fucking weirdos???? @sailorbluto The Daniel Day Lewis one is going to be so intense!Goodnight from all of us https://t.co/U1LECzDPHEOmg I forgot my anniversary https://t.co/pb8NS8LsPh @CaityDunn Ty😌Grinch goddess salad
1/11
2021
@morgueages Really @amymarieberger Yes! Farty narty sharty!!!!I! AM! A DERRY GIRL!!!! @kenniiminogue Ty kenIt’s been a long time coming but I have decided to have a crush on the skinny boy from Derry Girls @Jezzerat Ernest HennywayBrick shit house on the prairieErntest Hembbingway @sailorbluto Born to fuck you senseless @sailorbluto She said the song was originally very sexual so they had to change the words and I always wonder what the words wereHope is buoyantAnd Sophie Tucker will shit I know to see her name get billed below Matt Graham.
Retweeted by Matt Graham @amymarieberger Me as a handbag
1/10
2021
Brownie Brittle tastes like brownies that have died🎵Meijer ooh na na🎶General Anastasia @jorhair Im a stem guy who can’t do math 😔How’s this for an air fryer: *farts*I love it when you call me Matt Grahamrita @macthompson Champagne enemas and caviar enemasChampagne enemas and caviar dreams @jorhair 10 @chrisjcoffin MeMy favorite rap song is all I wanna do by Sheryl Crow
1/9
2021
me and @CharsTreehouse preparing https://t.co/PRYdnaN3EG https://t.co/Iqz0WzApAN
Retweeted by Matt Graham @peteypayless 😔 https://t.co/sGjsfLfleI @improperlyclond What kind @KaraBTweets The way I screamed...As a Mexican American of Irish folk experience, I am more than qualified to make this claimWhile we’re talking about sea shanties, Joanna Newsom’s Colleen cannot be overlooked @limadp Same🥲How was everyone’s week?
1/8
2021
Harry Shum Jr.‘s movie star entrance in Crazy Rich Asian is CI•NE•MA!!!!! @amymarieberger https://t.co/n6hEqcRBtD @amymarieberger Paul’s shoes at the end💀 @kenniiminogue 😽 @sailorbluto You @sailorbluto I thought this said “someone” and I was like I wonder who🤔I wish I was a cat that lived with another cat
1/2
2021
Ok these ads are getting too targeted https://t.co/BrfPDKhIYbWE MADE IT YALL!! WELCOME TO ┏━━┓┏━━┓┏━━┓┏┓ ┗━┓┃┃┏┓┃┃┏┓┃┃┃ ┏━┛┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃ ┃┏━┛┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃┃ ┃┗━┓┃┗┛┃┃┗┛┃┃┃ ┗━━┛┗━━┛┗━━┛┗┛
Retweeted by Matt Graham @sailorbluto 😎 https://t.co/egxyc62Yz3 @sailorbluto Mine said Servicio 😳 @anthelonious “Have a masc holiday!” @PTSD_papi Part of an entire pizzaHaving a large water the size of a small water https://t.co/xhekdCPXpjmerry Christmas
Retweeted by Matt Graham @2mannythots 😗 @2mannythots Oh sorry I was busy @benjrainwrite 😗 @chrisjcoffin 🐶 🧣 https://t.co/Ut7wzKjdlQIt’s New Year’s Eve so naturally I just asked a dog which Hermès bandana he wants to wear tonight
1/1
2020
@amymarieberger https://t.co/B78LOvapsB @amymarieberger You and Amy Berger https://t.co/d1cpstOCJF @nickybrownson Lucy Hale??? Hailee Steinfeld???? Sarah Hyland!?????
12/31
2020

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