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Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit Los Angeles, CA

I write for TV and clean up my dog’s shit with a little bag

1,761 Following   83,380 Followers   11,136 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/30/09

@doughboyspod @BDayBoysMitch @maroldswan @nickwiger Jesus Christ guys the other boot in Two Boots is LouisianaI’m gonna take a walk around the block and when I get back, somebody just tell me if I should like Jussie Smollett or not @whatrosasaid Hm @gabutch If you will read to the end of the tweet, it clearly says Panera. How’s your day goin @AndyRichter Any tips for crushing with my therapistI just asked what the soup of the day was someone says that Karamo doesn’t do anything on Queer Eye is how they do the Diet Coke and Mentos thing in hell @ditzkoff @JordanPeele Brag much @NickBossRoss Wait, fuckin, is this on American TV yet? What the shit? @DanaSchwartzzz Onion-ass headline @kibblesmith @vornietom I also fucking read it and... it’s nothing? It’s nothing. I hate this. Still so mad. @kibblesmith I hate this. It worked on me. I got so mad. @PressSec @realDonaldTrump Do you remember when you stopped wearing eye shadow because Michelle Wolf made fun of youMichael Avenatti broke the first rule of wanting to be president: Facing consequences for your crimes
@whatissteph Wow @kibblesmith If ever there was someone in a position to bring about change*says while tap dancing* Mitch McConnell Is going to hell When he dies @timunken @AlexanderWatt we stan a stepdaddy @GraceSpelman mutedTo be fair, a lot of things are punishable by death in the Huckabee family, such as "being a dog"'s cold comfort, but still always funny to remember that Manhattan's thirstiest social climber now has to get his… @kibblesmith @kthorjensen he had a real lie-field day with these (does this track) @Party_Harderson @Delta I really like imagining Delta’s social team watching these panicked and trying to decide how to respond to themI took a date to see Pearl Harbor. Plus I left my headlights on and my car battery died, so we were stranded in the…
In hindsight, this explains why the president was acting so calmly about the investigation that entire time @TheMikeLawrence on brand @arvalis @BillCorbett Wait so no more feathers?? This has been a real rollercoaster of a day @NightOpening This wasn’t long enough ago for people to look like thisAh well. He’s probably just a totally normal guy completely surrounded by criminals then. @anylaurie16 One time, pilot left his mic on and did a big long groan/moan into the microphone. We thought he was e… LA Marathon is proof that even *other people* exercising can ruin your day @BillCorbett “Marty!” @BillCorbett I hate this shit @NikkiGlaser lolJust overheard a 12 year old tell her dad who was taking her picture, "get my good side". It made me so sad bc she really didn't have one. 😔
Retweeted by Chase Mitchell @MikeDrucker @akilahgreen I’m mostly ready for this whole dispute to be over so that I can tell who is who in my timeline again @akilahgreen @MikeDrucker People call him DruckerUs is scarier than Get Out, but Get Out is the better movie by a hair. Both modern classics. Also not to brag, and… @crushingbort The only thing this guy is punishing is his waistband @yusefroach It’s not a movie that’s meant to be logic-ed to death. Also: stop spoiling it for people in your feed, dude @bridgmandrew still more believable than a Cyborg doll @mikelucianosup @NightOpening This is as close to a real life Friends episode as there ever was“So look, for starters, I am very rich”
@BillCorbett Great, now do Edge Of TomorrowMy review of “Us” is that I guess I gotta get a fuckin CBS All Access subscription now @patrick_cassels Let’s take this to text @GovMikeHuckabee @realDonaldTrump On second thought maybe what your son did to that dog was an act of mercyIs this that “bad side” Barbara Streisand is afraid to be photographed from
@AlisonAgosti This is an all-timer
“Narcotics dealer”? @rob_sheridan "oh man, what a fun game! let me just — oh" @jp_mcdade On the bright side, she said you're cute!
@TotallyAllen i'm the same but with bleeding @Randazzoj what database are you uploading these to @gavinpurcell "could be fun" @Chase__Chase i've got a thingLove to sit at the computer with a glass of wine and get nostalgic for the illegal war I helped sell the American p… @DrewMcWeeny Yeah probably because it seems like a spoiler? @_david_matthews It’s actually the opposite. I am so good at dunking that I am bored with it @llamsoyd @IanKarmel @seanoconnz This guy gets it @IanKarmel @seanoconnz Wow, didn’t realize you guys were anti recycling. Interesting. @seanoconnz Give me a nice, gentle 3 any day @seanoconnz 😉 @MikeDrucker Of course, you don’t want to alienate your base @Randazzoj Damn ur right I never thought of it like thatIt doesn’t really make logical sense that slam dunks are considered cool. You’re just taking extra care to put some… @ellorysmith so sad to see that he has died @travishelwig @jenstatsky hey if I can take down a marriage with this tweet that’s icing on the cake
@GerryDuggan @mikedeodato @Marvel @frankmartinbox holy shitJust figured out where I’ve heard Elizabeth Holmes’s speaking voice before stand with the WGA but would also prefer to continue showing off my strong jawline @mattsinger Police Academy @jenspyra The robotic luggage concierge likes to watch @Randazzoj Thak yu for this @nickwiger Easy to see why there’d be rumors swirling around town though. It’s such a sight to behold @nickwiger doesn't seem particularly secret or hard to find @katystoll God I thought this said Elizabeth Holmes for a second @DesiJed Paint em brown @franklinhardy I demand that scientists stop discovering things about dinosaurs @MsCherieGrant @benmekler ^i like this. But I’ll have to try it to make sure @hayesdavenport Showing solidarity with the WGA by not writing @JakeSBender @bradfordevans Oh shit! I remember this! Steve-O cameos as one of the judges and he goes “That was crazy, even for me” @OnlineAlison I am very sorry to do this but
@BillCorbett "stand on my lunch, king" @seanoconnz hm ok @chelsea_davison @adamconover @nickwiger Adam Ruins The Crafty Table @chelsea_davison @nickwiger she says, as she's dragged away in handcuffs @chelsea_davison @nickwiger This is insanity. Commit to something in your lifeOn this episode of The Cracked Podcast, @AlexSchmidty is joined by working TV writers @jenboseph and @ChaseMit for…
Retweeted by Chase Mitchell @speedlevitch @HMonHBO This was fantasticAll YouTube guys are called PewDiePie to me and all new bands are called Imagine Dragons. That’s how it goes. I’m 3… @youranalogbuddy Thank u for putting in the work @MikeDrucker Wow @Dave_Horwitz do you see this shit @Dave_Horwitz May I have the first question @merosskimball @arthurmeyer13 I quit you piece of shitJOB INTERVIEWER: What are your 5 biggest strengths @nanglish One thing is for sure, he’s a guy who definitely did not fuck or cum on his cat