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Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit Los Angeles, CA

I write for TV and clean up my dog’s shit with a little bag

1,789 Following   83,497 Followers   11,471 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/30/09


@Randazzoj God I hope soOrdered from a BBQ place yesterday and had... the coolest delivery guy in the world? https://t.co/Zbw4o4h2bm
5/26
2019
The Internet Wife Who Fell Off a Cliff But Rolled Down a Mountain (2019) https://t.co/s6xz1rufj6 @DOB_INC It’s so goodYou say, “Oh we’re just a bunch of swim instructors.” That’s the title. They can’t cut that! https://t.co/dYGhdVv37AUnderrated storyline from this season of Barry is everyone on the show being *so mad* that Barry has an audition @joekjoek @steph_mcca bone chilling @steph_mcca Why does the world exist at this hour @steph_mcca 👋
5/25
2019
.@UKParliament Have you considered Paddingtonhttps://t.co/vWpAEqDQmG
5/24
2019
@sonicdork RIP Guy’s AK
5/23
2019
Hell yeah turn me into a bunch of fuckin haunted tomatoes https://t.co/biLs14pbi5
5/22
2019
Four friends make a pact to get blown by a ghost before prom night https://t.co/mzx7pvOtrc
5/21
2019
@pattymo @TheGeneralAuto Wasn’t expecting Shaq to get it like that in the endThere’s no easy way to say this, but Joe Hill, Stephen King’s son, appears to be cosplaying? As his dad? https://t.co/AiuMvvb5m8Well the dude got his fuckin eyes gouged out so https://t.co/7oPHjBTLw8https://t.co/rQGpuN1Ng2
Retweeted by Chase MitchellWhat in the school project fuck is this!? https://t.co/w4WKp7lKmI
Retweeted by Chase Mitchell @pattymo Nah it’s more like jazz, man. It’s all about the Games you DIDN’T ThronesOne thing I love about being named king is when everyone keeps calling attention to my broken bodySo tonight on the last episode of my favorite show a big dinosaur with wings melted a piece of furniture because it was sadHaven’t started Game Of Thrones yet but I’m excited to be satisfied by a well thought out and universally beloved ending! @HimymCraig it's crazy they're all dying tonight @ecareyo chillingThis is the best album I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard THREE albums
5/20
2019
I am a 34 yo straight white male and Vampire Weekend is my favorite band. Yes, I have a head injury, why @seanoconnz @realDonaldTrump Uhhhh you mean Drumpf??? We got imDon’t forget to do your part https://t.co/IKxFQZRjAI @danieljpowell @DanaSchwartzzz After Good Time I honestly believe he can do anything @realDonaldTrump Ah man you suck so much @1followernodad “Take time to have a bat lodged in your body today” @merosskimball Ms Jackson gonna need an additional apology for this oneSorry, I can’t come out today. Hearing DJ Khaled sample OutKast aged me 30 years @AkilahObviously What do these words meanI mean ride a dragonI kind of relate to DJ Khaled because I too am frequently overshadowed by more talented friends and also loudly ann… https://t.co/eiIh090GrN @seanoconnz Don’t worry no one really thought you were going to @jackallisonLOL @AlexFirer I, a true enlightened Star Wars fan, like both 😇I can’t believe it’s every character on Game Of Thrones’s last chance to fuck a dragon @edgarmomplaisir Dude you gotta stop drinking theseMe: Quoting other comedy is the lowest form of comedy Also me: A GOOD ESTEERING WHEEL THAT DOESN’T FLY OFF WHEN YOU’RE DRIVINGHope ur havin a good weekend to this dude in the TC Tuggers commercial and no one else https://t.co/MMFKHE8UCG @solomongeorgio @LouisPeitzman This is bone chilling @OnlineAlison Almost assuredly @pattymo https://t.co/qJWUQjb2xk
5/19
2019
@AndyRichter It both slaps and chops @MaraWilson Oh you mean Nikolash Constantine-WaldenthorpeThe curly hair gun girl hates New York City so much she makes sure to only get photographed there a half dozen times a year @MarieColette @hellolanemoore Sucks to announce it like this but yes. This is true @hellolanemoore Yes @sasimons I don’t want to speak to chuck lorre’s genius but I’m pretty sure he used “Big Bang” as a double entendre 12 years ago @ecareyo Cool that you guys are writing for her in real life nowEnding on an Alabama Shakes song ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE https://t.co/n6J4RSVarl @dickfundy A merciful death @dickfundy What if I said Deadpool? Matthew Broderick?Does this tweet make sense? I didn’t sleep a lot because I was watching all of Fleabag twiceFleabag is so good at looking to camera that Jim Halpert should kill himself
5/18
2019
@steph_mcca It’s understood that at the end of the third movie he will kiss his dog on the mouth
5/17
2019
Bill De Blasio just announced he will not be running on nights or weekends.
Retweeted by Chase Mitchell*Chris Rock voice* “Do ya WANNA play a GAME? Do. Ya WANNA. Play. A game.” https://t.co/FFvtmFFLAuSorry everybody, I wrote the news during a Xanax dream again https://t.co/FFvtmFFLAu @MikeDrucker Why are you up at 7:30 talking about the smart shark movie @seanoconnz Can’t believe I saw this masterpiece being crafted
5/16
2019
@BenjaminJS @MegaLoweManiac Gerrymandering and voter suppression, largely! @heymonroe @janinebrito All I know is every movie should contain a scene of Cherry Jones doing a tarot reading of all the main charactersMake your easy jokes about Alabama and Georgia, but remember: the people who actually live in those states do not w… https://t.co/5TTpzXqPNr @willainsworthAL Eat shit fuckstick @TorpeyMichael You’re doin’ good work, Torpey! @shutupmikeginn Mike who is lying to you about your ass
5/15
2019
Insane power move to angrily correct people who accuse you of having been productive https://t.co/uLHnBBdWw0 @eliyudin are you sam rockwell in moonThere are more surprising twists in Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s name than there are in the final season of Game Of Thrones
5/14
2019
@theyearofelan The LeftoversDaenerys is now a war criminal. So she’ll only get to serve two terms at mostLove this pic of Cersei and The Mountain https://t.co/XtyISQEB8gGoodbye Varys, Perez Hilton of Westeros @seanoconnz I like this for youOn the bright side, this entire thing feels like a PSA to finish that thing you’re writing @DanSpenser “Yeah, I’m thinkin’ it’s Mother’s Day!” @mattzollerseitz Hearing how young Wilford Brimley was in this and The Thing is truly wild @Yassir_Lester This is not a question, just more of a statement: thank you @annetdonahue @MarthaKelly3 https://t.co/f3IQyUPZ9X @rjfried @chucktodd @zachsmilovitz The character models on this show are insanely good
5/13
2019
@pattymo "But doctor, I AM pattymo" @AllanaHarkin i cant even tell if i like it ironically or notIt's Mothers Day so I'm watching Bad Moms and thinking about how I saw it with 2 friends in a packed out theater of… https://t.co/nujtBZhr5f @ihatejoelkim Joel!!! You fuckin star you @HalleKiefer Damn this is brutal @vornietom It’s shockingly goodLuckily, my wonderful mother has always dreamed of being passively FaceTimed while I’m watching SNL hungover on my couch @AkilahObviously Stay away from leather pants @totallymorgan @misstrionics @seanoconnz I won’t believe it til I see “Queens Boulevard” on his imdb @ecareyo Smart Hulk?
5/12
2019
@iamryanbeck https://t.co/NWWoBvQUh2When you’re pitching on someone else’s idea in the writers room https://t.co/bIuE5RMJ3h @ecareyo https://t.co/x6HayENE3L @timunken oh my god dude @jmillstein Makes you think @oldmanweldon Stealing “Constance Woops” since it’s not searchable here
5/11
2019

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