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Cristela Alonzo @cristela9 Los Angeles, CA

Podcast: Stand-up 🎤: #LowerClassy @netflix 🗣:Cruz Ramirez in #Cars3 Book: #MusictoMyYears Sitcom: #Cristela

782 Following   28,400 Followers   17,348 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/16/18

@greenfannypack @RenttheRunway "The money you save from Rent the Runway is a really great green deal!" There you g… @DustinDoty OMG. You're mom is Lisa!? That's hilarious. @DustinDoty Oh man, you went into the archives on that one! @anylaurie16 Stand-up is so funny that if you don't exist in people's direct view, then you could never really BE a comic. NEVER. @anylaurie16 Um, did we ever talk about how "some people" thought I started doing stand-up AFTER I got my show?Some Lil' rappers are Big Assholes @JohnFugelsang (Whispers) I love you.Jesus never asked a leper for a copay
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoNow more than ever, we need a president who will choose compassion over cruelty.
Retweeted by Cristela Alonzo @greenfannypack @RenttheRunway I personally use @RenttheRunway for stuff and it’s to wear something I wouldn’t norm… then this person added a second tweet suggesting people are triggered? You’re not triggering people by reveali… it’s obvious you have no clue what you’re talking about. 🤔 Cover of Vanity Fair and you think she styled her…
Today’s makeup! SO NOT DONE BY ME BUT GREAT! I only wear makeup when I’m working/shooting. @stephanixmedina I love me some Warren. Always.I've been faking being Latina all this time as well. It's just that Latinas have it so easy... lesson is...don't let others minimize your value. I'd rather walk away from something that doesn't respect me th… later, they came back with a MUCH BETTER OFFER. Since that moment, I tell everyone that asks me to hold their… EQUAL PAY DAY HOLLYWOOD FUN FACT: When I was doing the deal on my show, they wanted to offer me Supervising… you to vote in 2 languages... is #LatinaEqualPay Day. We get paid 54 cents to every dollar a white man gets paid. I say this every year. I…
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoRepping @JulianCastro today with the pin that people always compliment me on. Veronica! for real the 2020 election cake? @originalspin THIS IS A GREAT PICTHE NEWS: If Trump doesn't win (insert state here), there is no way for him to win the election... YEAH! THAT'S HO… days. Let’s bring this home.
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoNARRATOR: The call was coming from inside the house. (I wouldn’t be surprised if we found out the 2.3 million was… is #LatinaEqualPay Day. We get paid 54 cents to every dollar a white man gets paid. I say this every year. I… @Scout_Finch @TUSK81 I HAVE THIS MUG!!!Was it when they realized they were white and they had no worry about getting killed by cops, separated from their… as John Oates. Tami! Tami is great. I adore her. This is awesome!
Whaddup 2020! Just got the text! wish you knew how much it hurts to know Kamala Harris is going to be in McAllen, the Rio Grande Valley an… think Texas is a battleground state? 🤔 @DinoRay You. Need. Merch.If Covid made dicks fall off, the pandemic would have ended like 6 dicks in.
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoTODAY! 5:30 PM TEXAS TIME! I’m gonna chat with the awesome @MJforTexas! I am including this as a BONUS to my…ÍO GRANDE VALLEY! @KamalaHarris is coming to our home! This is SO exciting!!!! Omg! am already working on my summer bod...I just haven’t picked a year yet.When you’ve been following Mumford and Sons around and left Twitter to its own devices. friend @libbycondon dressed up as Trunchbull in Animal Crossing today? You approve? HAHA. @mikd33 I love it so much. There are so many great scenes in it! @mikd33 I AM SO JEALOUS OF THIS!!!Hey everyone! @karaforcongress is running against a Trump Republican in Omaha and we need to make sure she wins! Go… @EricHaywood Y E SI think Biden is going to get that one electoral vote from Omaha now.So @KoolMoeSteve told me to search "Omaha stranded" on Twitter and holy schnikes wow. Trump rally sounds like a super deader event.Reading this, the Trump rally in Omaha DID NOT win the World Series. @sdixon_drums Lil Pump isn't changing anyone's minds on votes. @akilahgreen Gonna try it. Thank you. @akilahgreen Wait....herbs and spices? For real?So the final game of the world series was a super spreader event because no one bothered to make this clear before…
Retweeted by Cristela Alonzo @AngelSanchez518 I'm not a baseball fan. It was a joke to the obnoxious fireworks outside...but I don't appreciate… the fireworks outside my apartment should be a reminder to all...of the day the LA Dodgers fought for their independence!Awww...Brody would be LOSING it right now.
Tune in and watch this conversation! Also, I might be almost dressed up like Cruz Ramirez. We talk advocacy, scienc… me in this final week where I talk to people running in Texas to see why they DESERVE our support! Today I EXC… 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle wit…
Retweeted by Cristela Alonzo @ParraV More like Paradise FOUND! I'm here all week (and the rest of 2020+)My friends have a wicked sense of humor that I'm here for. I LOVE THIS! guys! @libbycondon is Gandalf today! ❤️❤️❤️"Ugh, how DARE Obama take credit for the Obama economy growth? Doesn't he know it was Trump that did the Obama admi… always love to help GOTV but to do it in Texas is always special! Join me this Saturday! We are gonna phone bank…"He is jealous of covid's media coverage." -Obama talking about Trump at a Florida rally just now.EXAMPLE: They see a POC, they try everything they can to not kill them and then take them to a fast food place before taking them to jail.Ok, hear me out. This is my pitch to fix the police: Train them to treat everyone like they're white people. @RobHWriter Yes, I know. Still crazy he’s getting votes.In one week, a working mother of 2 will be elected Vice President. She is a WOC (Black/Indian). What a country! to bed. Wearing my mask in case I dream of being near people.Also, I use tonight’s vote as an example because it’s in people’s mind and we’re a week away from the election. Ma… wanna know how important ONE VOTE is? The vote tonight was 52 to 48 for the GOP to confirm Amy Coney Barrett. T… @ndixonsmith Omg. That is adorable.So Supreme Court is going to do abortion on Friday already? To possibly announce on Monday? The day before the election?69 seat supreme court. All leftists 45 and under.
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoThe woman hired to undo RBG's Supreme Court legacy sworn in by the man hired to undo Thurgood Marshall's SCOTUS leg…
Retweeted by Cristela Alonzo @Jazmin_Ortega @JulianCastro I would LOVE him to....he was my first pick. We'll see.I would love her to be Senate Majority Leader but I am not sure if that can happen. I don't trust anybody about anything right now.Elizabeth Warren N-E-E-D-S to be in the Cabinet. @RaquelTeran RAQUEL! Como estas?! I just read this when Alida tweeted at you! I hope you're doing okay!Truth is, I don't want you to just vote in this election. I want you to become a lifetime voter. If we do that, we… you’re in media and not talking to actual disabled and pre-ex folx on how this will impact them... Shame. That…
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoFirst thing I think about is Dianne Feinstein complimenting the ACB hearing and then hugging Lindsay Graham right a… @WoodmansLuck I am all for Charles Booker!It's unbelievable to me that Mitch McConnell is on his way to getting re-elected.The day after the 2016 election, Dolores Huerta asked why I was crying and said, "Ah, this is the 1st time your cou…
I voted today. T-shirt from @hijadetumadrela and I got the mask at @JoAnn_Stores during a craft run. only Breonna Taylor wanted to be successful.
Retweeted by Cristela AlonzoI LOVE THIS SO MUCH! Watch and share! So awesome @Aimee_Garcia and @georgelopez!! Hillary Clinton will seat her third socialist atheist on the Supreme Court tonight. Among other things, J…
Retweeted by Cristela Alonzo @danmcculloch much as I LOVE playing Hester...we just don't need a third-party candidate right now.Trust me. This is a great thread by @cmclymer. Really shows a great backstory that is an unknowing ad for Biden. Re… @Scout_Finch I'm starting to think they don't have one. @ParraV Well, when the crackers break a bit, they look like the moon surface so they've been ahead of the curve forever!!! Even 5ever! @ParraV It made me laugh so much @ParraV Click to see this pic...this is how it popped up on my timeline and it's PERFECT TIMING. question. Reframing the conversation is necessary and honestly, I hadn't thought about it till Jose mentioned… @XorjeO I need to order the purple jumpsuit...ASAP