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Writer | The Wizard Of Dad Bodz 🦗

1,892 Following   17,467 Followers   96,365 Tweets

Joined Twitter 11/22/18


@rn_murse hahaha well we tried 😂gonna tell my kids this was baby yoda https://t.co/HjeY1DDz0m
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @ItsLumberzack @thegallowboob Vouch @rn_murse https://t.co/6FILR1cbFX @thegallowboob 😂😂I like to make people laugh, follow me for more: https://t.co/PTeCm9THWxMe: but the therapist told me I should face my fears Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot… https://t.co/hTVDwJ7A6y
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @pantless_papple that’s grogu bro @ADHDeanASL haha for real @ItsLumberzack too fuzzygonna tell my kids this was baby yoda https://t.co/HjeY1DDz0mit finally clicked in my brain why I have such an aversion to looking at Jeff Bezos’ face https://t.co/jCx3CExO1A
Retweeted by Crockett🍀I’ve never met a baby named Curtis where do you get a Curtis from?
Retweeted by Crockett🍀I’ll walk right into another dads house and change the thermostat idgaf
Retweeted by Crockett🍀how it started vs. how it’s going https://t.co/mharU8y7kN
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Dudes will post “nobody cares about your spotify wrapped” and then post a picture of a half eaten salad
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Who called it morning sex and not a breakfast hot pocket
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @drivingmemadi Fuck those whoswife: why is everything a joke to you? me: haha i don’t know why?
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @mtrexler01 🙏🏻 @HarlanMallory @perlhack 🙏🏻 @HumanHangnail 104yo parentsme: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Retweeted by Crockett🍀a remote that automatically locks your car three times but you only have to press the button once
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @MainaliMadam @imcurtiswaters You can’t prove he was a baby (please don’t prove he was a baby) @markghanime 😂😂 @SamNonTheWiser Here’s one https://t.co/HknzO4yyKjThe world demands an answer @CMGulfCoast @dadthatwrites Makes sense @just_tomking What about Richards? Keith Richards? He is immortal @HumanHangnail So strange @perlhack Hahaha perfect @mayataua Ohhhhh, that makes senseI’ve never met a baby named Curtis where do you get a Curtis from?baby showers are weird. congrats u got nutted in here's a gift card to tj maxx
Retweeted by Crockett🍀[Finishing a jar of oregano] Hey look, "season finale" lmao
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell? me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!
Retweeted by Crockett🍀If you didn’t sing this tweet then idk what to tell you you’re missing out[ the manger ] me: so what's his name mary: jesus christ me: hey watch your language around the baby
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @fndeltoro 🎶that’s the Midas touch🎶me: i just wanted my brake pads replaced! how could that possibly cost $83,000?? midas: let's just say we have sig… https://t.co/FE5nHh50im
Retweeted by Crockett🍀ME: Ugh I'm so over drama [any slight bit of drama happens] ME: omfg guess what PIGEON: Are you talking to me?
Retweeted by Crockett🍀political correctness means we cant be racist, sexist, homophobic and transphobic and frankly i fucking love it
Retweeted by Crockett🍀[Cemetery] foreman: what is this? They all have to be parallel! backhoe operator: PLOT TWIST
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @pantless_papple https://t.co/M5jSosqCGeDawn had to keep reminding herself that this was just temporary, and she was only doing it to put herself through l… https://t.co/xjuxVRyMqz
Retweeted by Crockett🍀I drink coffee and I drink beer That's it, nothing else
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey Him: that’s neat Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Me: I want to get drunk Him: what about your kids? Me: they can only have a little
Retweeted by Crockett🍀me: I have trouble putting gloves on my 4 year old, imagine an octopus him: why would an octopus be putting gloves… https://t.co/XtLHD2trJ3
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @drivingmemadi https://t.co/CvHEodT4jk @brendanbensongs @permanentpenis @ElusiveFred 😂 @brendanbensongs @permanentpenis @ElusiveFred Hey, you did it! He’s back https://t.co/sE2dWgi6r9 @bigsharkguy @dadthatwrites 😂 fair @XoSweetestSin1 @pineapplepleas 🙏🏻 @bigsharkguy @dadthatwrites When your invisibility cloak is confirmed... https://t.co/kD8Rti7ijj @CovPhotog @good_vibes_girl That has to be it @KellsPlayer So rude @mayataua Bet your ass @mayataua Right? Girls, man @jeffxwilcox Man, Hulk Hogan has let himself godate: the service in this restaurant is excellent waiter: *smashing a 150 mph tennis ball at me* me: holy shit, that's ace
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @JustMeTurtle @Roy_oh_Roy @StoneAgeRadio13 @adamgreattweet @marthasa1 @Home_Halfway @difficultpatty @ravenswng_https://t.co/KLp5nBtO81Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!? 3 year old: I’m thirsty
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Retweeted by Crockett🍀
12/5
2020
@notmythirdrodeo @BBFTC1 WootTo the people leaving me voicemails in languages I don’t understand: Please speak slower and much, much louder. Thank you.
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Maury: (opening envelope) You are not the father! Me: I feel really conflicted about this. Hulk Hogan: (places ha… https://t.co/ghZ9GcYFtB
Retweeted by Crockett🍀https://t.co/ZsP3Oig3qS
Retweeted by Crockett🍀[labyrinth] me: ok who's leading us out guy: we should take turns me: jerry that's pretty much a given
Retweeted by Crockett🍀I bought a TV stand and now I’m just getting targeted ads for TV stands. I only require one TV stand I am not a titan of industry
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit
Retweeted by Crockett🍀I feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers
Retweeted by Crockett🍀A sequel to the movie Groundhog Day but when you show up it’s just the movie Groundhog Day. No one is disappointed
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Our tally came up one feral chimichanga short. If you see it, do not approach it. Simply call our hotline and share… https://t.co/mRBKBq7UXE
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @daddydoubts I’m gonna go with “it’s not really compromising when you always insist on it your way Brenda,” by StetsonIf parenthood was a designer perfume what would you name it? For me it would be “Unappreciated” by Calvin Klein
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Me: this fella’s got spunk Sperm Bank Manager: you’re fired
Retweeted by Crockett🍀the toilet is my soulmate - it supports me, deals with my shit, and every time it sees my fine ass it puts a ring on it
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @SvnSxty Damn you @drivingmemadi So much truth in so few words @dadmann_walking @ADHDeanASL So this is what we are doing to each other now lol @aotakeo 🤷🏻‍♂️ cotton-eyed Joe, bro @fndeltoro 🐠 🤷🏻‍♂️ @ApeSandBearWich @janehilll You had to go and do that. You had to make me see I forgot one lol @gdwhat But that’s where I am @sherrysworld Oh I bet you’re right @pantless_papple Beulah @sherrysworld Pretty sure Morgan Freeman is the only one @bigandrichdj 😂😂 no worriesJust overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day? Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Retweeted by Crockett🍀Smokey Bear put a lot of pressure on me as a child, “only YOU can prevent forest fires,” like, shit dude, I’m going… https://t.co/HOk9mrVrSr
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @PopeAwesomeXIII Hahaha this is glorioushello I am a heron. I have a 12 foot wingspan. Forward this letter to 10 people by tonight or I will fly into your… https://t.co/yP8ytnPPOj
Retweeted by Crockett🍀 @OrdinaryAlso 😂 @OrdinaryAlso 🥺 idk what that means @OrdinaryAlso Your salads look so good though"You're lucky Mom says I can't open my presents until Christmas." "But I'm not-" "Tick tock, motherfucker." https://t.co/GW6h5mwrSv
Retweeted by Crockett🍀
12/4
2020

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