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introvert. Husband. Dad of 3 boys (11, 7, 5). lifter of weights. No DM's. don't take my tweets seriously. CraftBeer. Bourbon. BANNED FROM MAYO TWEETS

1,600 Following   11,895 Followers   23,595 Tweets

Joined Twitter 9/19/14


I don’t think anyone ever lies on their death bed thinking, “I should’ve eaten less carbs”. - me, to myself, as I overeat carbs
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingMe: I don’t like ice in my whiskey Him: that’s neat Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingif you want to test the strength of your teeth just eat some snyder's pretzels. @daddydoubts 😂 @ItsaMeTeo So deliciousi've decided anyone that wants to pick on my typos, spelling, grammar mistakes wins an automatic block. @daddydoubts Have you had him watch spaceballs recently maybe?My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t t… https://t.co/K5PeP0WRtp
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @erichwithach 1. What is this other madness8 said school was boring but then he told me he spilt water on Poppy’s book so she yelled at him and he yelled back… https://t.co/GuaJynpYvq
Retweeted by Dadman Walking[first day at pet store] me: you want this boxed? her: you can't box a goldfish me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Retweeted by Dadman Walking7: [drinking more milk] me: you're gonna turn into a cow with utters. Stop drinking so much milk 7: well you're g… https://t.co/t7YtVNxYbFmy wife bought candy corn. divorce lawyer recommendations welcomed. @smartass_moms Stop watching me dammitI need more coffee mugs... said everyone who absolutely didn't need more coffee mugs
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @AshleyFrankly https://t.co/7OdrU8Ftdz*trying a new meal* Wife: how do you like it? Son: *hesitating* my water's pretty good
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingIt’s that wonderful time of year when we eat candy for breakfast.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @architextbry Dude I didn't get any coffee until 3pm Saturday. I just FORGOT. IDK what was wrong with me.Nothing like waking up to the smell of bacon and a bottle of ibuprofen to start the day.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @MumInBits I identify as the 3 yo girl for sureMe: what are you looking forward to most this week? 8: playing with my friends! 3 (boy): seeing grandma! 3 (girl): lunch!
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingThe pandemic dashed any hopes I had for my children not requiring extensive therapy some day.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @holdmywhiskeyy Oommmgggg.don't tell me i can't commit i just sat down with an entire bag of chocolate chips.
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingthee worst thing ever in life is when you're really tired so you go to lay down, flick on the light and realize you… https://t.co/9JydR6fYHl
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingmy yelling voice has had 3 days rest. The kids better be ready for me tomorrow. It's on.*At the farm Husband, pushing wheelbarrow of 4 pumpkins, 2 mums, assorted organic vegetables, and a hand crocheted… https://t.co/VvRkMgaI8O
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingThe secret to not gaining weight on vacation is to never weigh yourself ever again. @difficultpatty This makes me want to date him just so I can break up with him tooBroke up with a guy once for calling jalapeños, “Hal-a-peg-nose”
Retweeted by Dadman Walking
10/19
2020
I guess it's time to get my Sunday going. These kids won't yell at themselves.
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingif you wash your hands inside a waffle house they become dirtier. it's science.I’m trying to print a cauliflower recipe but my printer keeps displaying error code WTF.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @tattooed_bee Did that first night! One of our favs!https://t.co/wTTZm58B9L @againconstantly We got a crowler and food to go but they're closed! @Tobi_Is_Fab @LizerReal @goofballbirkla @SvnSxty @henchbeaver @erichwithach @Roy_oh_Roy @TheNYAMProjecthttps://t.co/nUaipOGHYpLast kid free day. Stopped at Highland brewery and then gonna spend some time out on blue ridge. https://t.co/49GBChuITpKIDS: can we get a pet? ME: no, I’m allergic KIDS: to cats or dogs ME: to inconvenience
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @JoeRegular4 All of them goWife: you need to cut your hair Me: but you said you liked my look from when I was younger Wife: I meant before you got fat
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @moderndadpages Woah!Shout out to old people, otherwise they can't hear shit
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @om_eye_goodness https://t.co/U1lrNLXBio @smartass_moms https://t.co/CBXNbZurck @WaveSinatraJr 73 I hate this gameI am my own worst critic, but also my own best photo editor.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @dadthatwrites @kris10lyon https://t.co/i2RIpfpU39I haven't had any kids to yell at since Thursday so I just started yelling at random strangers tonight
10/18
2020
@justamom819 😂my wife finished a bottle of sake all by herself and she's talking to every dog that walks by now. @BruceWoonsocket Mind ya businessSake tastes like liquefied old peopleif you want to feel old, the kid in Big Daddy with Adam Sandler is now 28. @BarW38 YuuupWhatcha got this weekend?! Show me your brews. https://t.co/ZtDomzlBUcOne of the biggest tests to my marriage was the time my husband walked in on me using a flip flop as a hammer.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @StoneAgeRadio13 😂Today we hit up as many breweries and taco joints as possible. Right after coffee. #kidfreeweekend https://t.co/fhg2XeYOdz @shifty_day I said past. Voice to text said passed. It always gets me. I never check. 😂Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story
Retweeted by Dadman Walkinganyone: let’s do something me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingghoulish figure beckoning me towards the wardrobe: me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingcreepy guy: come inside my house me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingher: let’s check out that noise in the basement me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingcheerleader: let’s make out in murderkill woods me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walking[if I was in horror movies, a thread] jock: let’s split up me: no
Retweeted by Dadman Walkinghttps://t.co/D3usYZkf8r @tiredmom23 😂 @tiredmom23 Do u shower in the toilet??So we're staying in an Airbnb camper. Really nice. The toilet is literally in the bedroom. this is fine.
10/17
2020
Nothing makes you feel old like needing a coffee at 7:45 pm just to make it to bedtime at 9 pm.
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingIf you enjoy watching a small human pee on various soft furnishings in your house then parenting is probably for you
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingI'm just a person, standing in front of the fridge, like I was five minutes ago, and there still isn't anything to eat.
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingDid I tell my kids that I had a meeting so they would go upstairs and leave me alone? Yes, yes I did.
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingI wonder how many cows I've eaten that I've passed in pastures @MichaelBakerATL 😂 plant!i've eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @JJRossReaders because autocorrect loves to jack us all up. Just go with it @pnwwildflower I've had to write off 2 in the past year after multiple chances. Byeeee.The tag on my jeans says "Relaxed" so it obviously doesn't have children.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @tattooed_bee Don't walk in on anyone on the crapper todayreal dishes exist because of mom's. If it were up to dad's we'd be eating everything off of paper towels. cup your… https://t.co/5y2qp3We3rMe: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass? Cooking instructor: No.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @pulte $tacoandbeer @carbsley Happy birthday carbs! 🤪 @carbsley Factsmy body hasn’t stopped hurting since age 30 at stroke of midnight
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @mastrap84 Well that's not fun. 😂😭 @smartass_moms https://t.co/srXPp0y7kgHappy Friday! My kid free weekend starts now! Show yo weekend faces and keep it appropriate 😂 https://t.co/P0HAhk2TV7You don’t take breaks from Twitter, Twitter takes breaks from you
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingI tried to text my husband "get some brains" and it corrected to "get some bran" and he hasn't come out of the bathroom all day.
Retweeted by Dadman Walking @awkwardenabled https://t.co/QEDQZWR6h3It looks like our local Walmart is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween .....
Retweeted by Dadman Walkingdamn the taco bell worker said he knows i’m high and won’t give me my quesadilla until i solve a riddle
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingWIFE: you gotta stop drinking in front of the kids ME: if I drank behind them who would drive the car
Retweeted by Dadman WalkingI bought a 5 lb bag of Halloween candy on the way to the gym today. follow me for more fitness advice. @kaL12578 He just lived 2020 . I want cake all the time.
10/16
2020

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