Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Dad That Writes ☕ @dadthatwrites Location schmocation

shitposting children's book author. ADHD anxiety asshole dad. He/him. I made this: https://t.co/YyZ1O0Zb1u

3,332 Following   17,088 Followers   106,512 Tweets

Joined Twitter 8/14/17


At the end of the day, we're tired, but won't sleep
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕They said "fuck it" Let. That. Sink. In. https://t.co/XTLY0pf0Dt
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕imagine you see your ex tweet to their new boo “babe you’re so funny and based, i’ve only dated cringe guys before”
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕When is Dr. Jill scheduled to restore the Rose Garden?
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕This marks the first time I've ever cried during an inauguration speech... https://t.co/WiZf2PTevE[4 years ago today] Trump: This country is absolutely fucked Republicans: Yes daddy
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @50FirstTates it's the necronomicon!joe biden swearing in on an ancient cvs receipt https://t.co/6EUgk6mW8q
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @2Saddington looks like thin-sliced hard-boiled egg
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕I don’t want to smoke, I just want a cigarette to flick when I make a grand statement before putting my hands in th… https://t.co/2FlPGGlS7I
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕(take two) What if tomorrow when trump’s climbing into the plane he whips out from under his shirt the massive heal… https://t.co/I3BxsvKUwV
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕i'm over here tryna watch the trump presidency breathe its last breath live on tv and the fucken power's outMy husband read me the report he wrote for his big meeting tomorrow. It’s all a bunch of numbers and statistics. Wh… https://t.co/R4jCn2EiAj
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Ruin 2 good things by putting them together. I’ll start - captain crunch and captain Morgan. (Inspired by @DudeMass tweet)
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @emily_tweets @DudeMass you're supposed to ruin it not make it betterevery day tony the tiger wakes up and chooses cocaine
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕When the alarm went off, as usual, my wife turned on the TV and tuned to the local news. Still half-asleep, the thr… https://t.co/RexwztlHMQ
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @MissSassy_Pants more rooster cum tweets plzWhat do you call it when a bunch of roosters cum all over a hen? Buk-buk-buk-buk-bukkake
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕hear me out: https://t.co/AcDRgIi82o
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Lol Melania is just pissed they couldn’t use the decoy her today
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @Haylowbabe to me that's already normali thought i heard homer simpson drooling over a donut but it was just my fat fucken slob ass cat snoringNormalize farting in your boss's desk drawer. @RodLacroix *forms a committee to research whether this is hell or not & schedules a meeting*I AM IN A MEETING TO DISCUSS OTHER MEETINGS IS THIS HELL AM I DEAD IS THIS HELL
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @BrentTerhune @mister_blank republicans: WE ARE SUDDENLY CONCERNED ABOUT GOV'T SPENDING!Him: I think... I think I’m ready to say the L word... Me: Babe. Let me go first.... Lasagna.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @dimplesticks @sweetmomissa 🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️Everyone’s always like “what the fuck are you doing here” but no one ever asks how the fuck I am doing here
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕I bet when Ralph Macchio goes to starbucks he always ends up with a macchiato.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @dimplesticks @sweetmomissa i feel called out!Spending all day reading other people’s thoughts so I don’t have to hear my own
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @user72682 i got my one candle and my dog im good to go @FoxholeAtheist_ @user72682 no it's too spookyHe deserves some recognition when he does well too. Sometimes. https://t.co/l8qqf3FhPg
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Hugh Jackman was forced to play Wolverine when he discovered the claws in his contract
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Me: I don’t care how delicate your ears are, as long as you’re living under this roof you will wear a mask around visitors! Cats:
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @user72682 my power's out and there's this huge windstorm i should not be this high @SCE hey did y'all sign up for the text update here so socal edison can text u one time six hours after the outage… https://t.co/VDnl3y70wythe power is out and in the absence of constant electrical noise pollution both my cat and my thoughts are out of controlPlease stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to https://t.co/pKIPT1NIQK
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕me: *throws beer at stage* boooo, just play the hits chuck e cheese manager: sir
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Blown by the wind, trampled in dust. https://t.co/zcIbPBx6VV
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕rude unwanted moviegoer erection 🤝 down in front
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Wolves Werehouse: You're going to like the way you howl.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider? date: i don’t know me: one is a spider you idiot
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕Per my previous email, please quit playing games with the following: 1. My heart 2. My heart 3. My heart
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕I like to drink all the liquid in my soup and then eat the rest of it like a regular meal
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ozzy osbourne showing john lennon how to write heavy metal (1968) https://t.co/ENRS4xP0D5
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕I hope this email finds the clitoris
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @NowThatsRich @Pixar it's a nice personal touch @Convokid22 @jdstalnaked @tessa_ryleigh @savingtwinkles @DadSays4 @sweatsntopknots @ok_one_more @girlgeisthttps://t.co/nNscFA0dj3things seem father away looking forward than they do looking back
1/20
2021
Hey @Pixar here's my 4yo's drawing of, and I quote, "someone showing their butt." Any jobs available in your "momma… https://t.co/ekfuvGJPcA @ChabbyD 💀💀💀💀people been fucken fighting tooth & nail in my notifications for the past two days in two seperate threads; one abo… https://t.co/dTzPvtsuhomovies https://t.co/fivUR66pX9
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @MNateShyamalan i've unlocked whole new vistas of laziness. started buying bottles of iced coffee because i simply… https://t.co/BJMg31rRJWif you haven’t used this pandemic to perfect a new skill, hustle, or art, then you’ve wasted it. for instance, i ha… https://t.co/1XfSqtzQep
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕i think they should keep making paul blart but recast him like it's james fucking bondOk. So holy hell. I snap my fingers like a lot and I snapped them really good and loud and this lady the next aisle… https://t.co/Smamn5iQy6
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @Royal_Stein @adamgreattweet @pineapplepleas @FeralFerrell @PettyRuxpin83 @BritttanyStasi1 ❤️❤️willy wonka: welcome, children, to a whimsical world of- oompa loompa: run you fools! it’s a deathtrap! blood is t… https://t.co/XHsdtIewYc
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @RaggedyAnimator @takocos @dklanderos @sammysawshank @lolumOKUR @Bripping_Talls yall still fightin over ariel? sheeeeeeit
1/19
2021
@Bumble6671 If you're looking to self publish & not sink a huge investment into printing a bunch of books, I'd look into Amazon KDP.I have a children's book I need to publish, but I have no idea what to do. Is Google my next step? #writingcommunity
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕prawn hannity. go to hell motherfuckers. https://t.co/LFDNsntsCkWHITE DUDES WHITESPLAINING MARTIN LUTHER KING TO HIS SON. ENJOY. https://t.co/xfpnkJqoDR
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @dirtlife0 @afiercemind ill give u my cashapp in dms @Zahra_1231 @lolumOKUR @Bripping_Talls prince eric likes em young @dirtlife0 @afiercemind right? it's like...i'm putting out tiddy pics and money too WHERE MY FOLLOWERS AT? @afiercemind HOLD UPPeople only follow me for my boob pics & because I pay them to.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕The Telephone of the Wind is a disconnected telephone in the woods, left there for anyone who needs to talk to some… https://t.co/P0bb44WXOF
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕good morning fuck fox news https://t.co/tIfNmajrm6With all the ‘waxing’ shops closed, I’m guessing now is the time to really hunt for the Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they set their alarm six times in the morning
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕free trial? um, no thanks..i prefer to pay for my jury members
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕This is the year. This is the year I finally do it. This is the year I finally gain an alarming amount of weight.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕I’m mad at men because they can be horny on the TL. If I’m horny on the TL I’ll get weird messages.
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕America is like an HGTV makeover show but when the makeover people show up they just yell “IT’S FINE THE WAY IT IS”… https://t.co/tP9osmmAvh
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕When people say they can’t wait for the pandemic to be over https://t.co/Jox77SbAGn
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕our grandkids are going to bitch and moan about the paul blart remakes because they'll never top the originals @Greg_1_Leg @Bripping_Talls @Lottie_Poppie @nutsaremixed @Chelle_Coops @theDapperilla @toomanycommas3https://t.co/LQesSIGAC4So 3k of you lovely people decided to follow me. I’ve no idea why but I appreciate you all. So to celebrate pleas… https://t.co/k6dwUaWrNG
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕https://t.co/m66oSjUsTt
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @AdamECohen @Bripping_Talls @lolumOKUR whoa whoa whoa guys i was just joking around lmaoparenting is missing my kids as they sleep and cursing at them tomorrow morning for waking me up too early
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @EmAsInMoney broad shouldered DOM @EmAsInMoney "he's so alpha...look...see? it says so right there... @EmAsInMoney this muhfucker thought he had yaCheer up sex: When she already wanted to fuck you, and is just using your bad day as an excuse
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕nurse: once again, sir, the vaccine is for *essential* workers only, will you please leave bruce wayne: let me speak to your manager
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕[in prison] me: so u guys come here often?
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @EmAsInMoney fucken BURNFor the record: He does not know the secret https://t.co/ZCqVn0HKQv https://t.co/1a9i0L9zGk
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕ @DjDubuacii facebook: *kicks me off* me: ⁿᵒ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ @lolumOKUR @Bripping_Talls we already do. ARIEL.we need a disney princess who is a piece of shit
Retweeted by Dad That Writes ☕
1/18
2021

0