Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Odd person who loves people :-b Banner brought to you by @ripwaterdog 😊

3,162 Following   2,599 Followers   102,191 Tweets

Joined Twitter 7/8/14


@hoe__no You should make up a crazy story to account for it. 😊 @sarahedwig Awww😌
1/28
2021
"Kindness is my go-to but Fuck Off is my wingman."-Jonny Ox
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI just received an email from one of my male students. He called me by my first name. He called his other professor… https://t.co/asPt19T0MH
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @MarieAllOverAg1 10How old were you the first time you got drunk?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI miss the fun and whimsy of the 1970's and getting into all those Sha-Na-Nanigans.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @hoe__no That is terrible and hilarious 🤣 🤯never date a comic book artist because when u break up he will draw an angsty picture of you as a zombie eating his… https://t.co/BwLV2ItASI
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMy dad turned 88 today Feliz cumpleaños ruco!
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI have been educated by customer support that me getting inceasingly urgent reminders to pay a bill that has alread… https://t.co/PZ2Zl5FfHA
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI like my coffee like I like my men, strong and drugged
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWhen they move the Doomsday Clock I'm like, if you're trying to scare me, it's too late.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @femalehobbyist I have an extra filter in the damn thingIf you’re texting while driving and any loved one is in the car with you, you do not love that person
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @Pinklilycat Best of luck to you 😊I hate that capitalism makes me feel like I’m a terrible mother because I’m poor
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith*waves my hand over twitter This is not the attention you seek
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithPSA: it takes all of about 10 seconds to add some type of photo to your account. PS: it does not have to be of you, it could be anything.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI told my husband Tony Romo sounds like the guy from Sugar Ray and now he can only picture frosted tips. I can ruin anything.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithGod it feels good to tell people no.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithStoner: I just ate some edibles Me: yeah that’s how food works.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI went to put the keys in my pocket and they fell to the floor, I left them there because at least I would know where they were.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithKryptonite implies the existence of kryptoday thank you for following
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith300 fucking grocery carts and I always pick the Ford Pinto model with a flat tire.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithAll these arbitrary societal rules that mean nothing and turn people into robots are proof I'm meant for another wo… https://t.co/OFr3j70yZc
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithChild: Ugh. I can't get "Baby Shark" out of my head. Me: You're lucky. When I was a kid the song stuck in our heads was about bologna.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithme as a teen: chapstick is stupid me in my late 30's: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithAbout half of the movies made in the 20th century would have been reduced to 10 minutes if the characters had cell phones.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @shewitsch Very nice. Have a great one too!😊Have a great day friends, share my sunrise 💗 https://t.co/MNV3ci7qYB
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithThat's me in the corner, That's me on the couch, Losing my mind still trying to open a candy cane since December.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @Pinklilycat Nothing wrong with games. Gives you weird teaching moments and something for the kids to do. @femalehobbyist Natural peanut butter. 😋Are you worth peanut butter?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMy dog won’t stop licking the cats butt. Should I make him a twitter account now?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @femalehobbyist Two 🙄
1/27
2021
interviewer: how good are you thinking outside the box? cat: thinking outside the box? Are you insane. This is my… https://t.co/0EsofteidJ
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithTalking dog: how is your stress level? Me: through the wroof, wroof! Talking dog: not funny, bro
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWho called it having ass parasites instead of "a can of worms"?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @SweetSumerThyme Well.... so many good and bad lines to that one. Good luck.They really seem to be pushing this "wear 2 masks thing". So, are all the double maskers gonna look at the single m… https://t.co/nHtZNbY94h
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMary Magdalene: I haven't heard from you in 3 DAYS Jesus: *panicking* I was uh... dead
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithNo, no, please let me become an expert in your field so I can go from suspecting you are an idiot to absolute certainty.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithCan people in here stop acting so pathetic and desperate for attention? I hate competition.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithThe government has no sense of urgency about anything except helping the rich, war, and political performances
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI can’t lip read anymore since everyone wears a mask. This pandemic took away my subtitles too
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI don’t want boring sex. Choke me, spank me, hit me over the head with a microwave. Let’s get wild
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI was a professional bikini waxer for four years, and one day I will write a memoir.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI’ve forgotten what taking a bath is like without having one of my dogs drop a squeaky ball in the water. This is normal...right?🤣🤣
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithEven with the pandemic, I keep myself shaved and smooth on the off chance I get a hot DoorDash driver. So far, its been for naught.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @PalleschiMike Yup. But 'Noone is above the law.' I never want to hear that said again. Basically opening the door… https://t.co/9zd5C0POCl
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithSo, let me get this straight: you couldn't charge Trump for breaking the Emoluments clause while he was President b… https://t.co/GEQ4i0csGj
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMy fellow Amuricans...get friends from other countries
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithVehemently judgemental, some of these "Christians."
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @DSDeputyMarshal https://t.co/0JdDxGzo8I
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMy husband made it very clear yesterday that he wanted silence in the morning. He’s spending his morning in the off… https://t.co/iVSaLfzQnA
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithme: I’ll take a short nap also me after 4 hours: https://t.co/ZU376pMSQs
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithi cannot stop watching this woman’s tiktoks about her sleepwalking LMAO she said she remembers dreaming about a poo… https://t.co/LFqlBt7SYd
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith“Any siblings?” “I have a half-brother.” https://t.co/ShhVOfQixa
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @Hammyinmiami I hear Morgan Freeman, David Attenborough, Emma Thompson and the movie preview voice depending on the… https://t.co/5G4jb81QRJWith which voice do you hear “Narrator” in a tweet? I always read It with the man from movie previews’ voice.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithPeople love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding t… https://t.co/u2rv5OrWbt
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithegg no for sale https://t.co/LVVi9MVmEK
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI am determined to turn this into a viable new meme format https://t.co/UP8aV2ekLn
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith @MilvertonSaint It doesn't stop there lmao https://t.co/3YtBDjyN6G
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithThis is hilarious https://t.co/yVKmTpYU61
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithJen Psaki confirms an American Sign Language interpreter will be present for daily briefings going forward.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithYou can order tuna salad, or you can order tuna on your salad, but you get different things. And now you know why I have trust issues
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithOh, we’re framing republicans as good-faith actors who need to be courted for support? That was quick, CNN. https://t.co/qKqzoQiCXM
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWhen I brake too hard on my way out of the drive thru https://t.co/Z0roGYZVNT
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithMy wife's To-do List has an outline, synopsis, chapters, a protagonist and an antagonist in a beautifully leather bound journal.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith“Once covid is over" is starting to sound a lot like "once I finish writing my book.”
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithLook everyone... I’m S T O N E D. Ha ha haaaaa! https://t.co/SyF3MDtGjC
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithThis guy tried to overthrow the government last month. https://t.co/x6uR8qCmqQ
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI bet Canada feels pretty bad the only time anyone wants to move there is when somebody gets elected that famous actors don't like
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithLooking forward to the new Godzilla vs. Kong movie. Here’s hoping they draw from the primary sources
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithDetective in the Arctic: Okay bud, where were you on the night of December to March?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI’m just trying to find my place in this crazy world, ya know? Yes but the question was would you like a booth or a table?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWhy would advertisers assume if I'm up at 1:30 watching Magnum PI reruns, that I have erectile dysfunction?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithJules did a great job explaining how there are underlying things in the way people behave, and even when the people… https://t.co/HXGmbx4oJX
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI really get scared when the cops are behind me, but not nearly as scared as I get when someone else is checking gallery in my phone.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI keep my motivation trapped in amber so at least it’s pretty and there’s something to talk about.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithBusy day at work but I just had to run outside really quick because I saw a cat I didn’t recognize.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithfamily time https://t.co/VYWSA5DTyp
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithThe thing I can't get over about my wife is that she spent 7 years making gelatin nanoparticles for her PhD and never once ate them
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smithi cannot stop thinking about this https://t.co/Gx5gIIug28
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWelcome to 42. You now forget to remove your glasses before you get in the shower
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith𝓛𝓲𝓿𝓮, 𝓛𝓪𝓾𝓰𝓱, 𝓛𝓲𝓿𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶 𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓜𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓑𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝓭𝓸𝔀𝓷
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithOnce again I survived choking on my own saliva in my sleep so I’m optimistic about my prospects today.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithGrowing up, I wanted to be a Rockette or back up dancer for Janet Jackson. What was your dream?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWe need a Disney Princess that, once upon a time was a Disney Prince
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI'm still fucked at the fact that the FBI and DOJ are even thinking about not prosecuting some of the insurrectioni… https://t.co/caP4JLENKI
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithIf you wanna cut down on carbs buy those 15 grain, whole ass wheat, stone ground, certified RAW breads. Not only ar… https://t.co/TaqGkEjaYs
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithAm I losing my mind or did Democrats win the Senate and McConnell is essentially filibustering them taking majority control of the body?
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithI’m going to start claiming I have an internship doing public relations so I can reconcile all my time spent on Twitter.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithStart your day off right. Listen to Nickelback.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man SmithWhenever my wife wins an argument I like to remind her that up until her mid-40s she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Retweeted by Dan new year old man Smith
1/26
2021

0