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Boston Comedian / For booking’s you better have free food or I’m not budging.

592 Following   2,432 Followers   18,007 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/26/09

You’ve got a friend in me but I’m super clingy. @msmeganl So nice of you! @msmeganl All it took was one like @jimmywhit @ktwhitman I’m too delicate @ktwhitman @jimmywhit I can’t handle this Whitman team coming at me!Next time I go to therapy I’m bringing my high school yearbook.
VR leaving my house is going to be lit @uncrushedvelvet Ugh @cpzito Be my managerFollow up tweet: I will be wearing slacks for this gig with my shirt tucked in. This is my “selling out.”Congratulations you’re going to Hollywood! (To visit)Next week at @thecomedyattic comedian @DanCrohn 🎟
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @TriciaAuld I’m wearing slacks
Just found out I can’t wear jeans to my gig on Friday so I’m quitting comedy.“Boy, everyone is stupid except me.”
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @CNN @Cisco Robbed again!Comedians, what the fuck is in the backpack?
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@NikkiGlaser Congrats!This tweet will self destruct (I’ll delete it) if it gets no interactions.I wonder if @TomBrady knows how much ice cream I’m going to eat later.
The worst part of this game is that Brady colors his hair.I LOVE FOOTBALL AND I DON’T CARE WHICH EX KNOWS ITI pay it forward but with hopes that I’ll get a kickback.
You can do your friend’s show but not your friend’s friend’s show. That show stinks. @JonathanTillson Valid pointAt this point I’ll date a fucking cute dog.TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT #CAMPERS!!! @DanSoder’s @hbo hour special “Son of a Gary” premieres at 10PM (SAT 12/7)…
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWhen that beat drops you gotta get it...💪😍😏🔥🔥
Retweeted by Dan CrohnGlad I’m not needy (sits patiently waiting for tweet interactions)
Apple Music Wrapped just told me I enjoyed Apple Music this year.
"Tonight on Eye on Springfield. We meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years." "*Hic!* Kill me! *Hic!* Kill me!"
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @GaryGulman Ugh here @GaryGulman Oh man if this is going to be your daily tweets for 2020 I’m hear for it.All my tweets together are my novel.
Shop this look* at the zoo * Daughter: Dad look at those two frogs sharing the frisbee! Me: Don't worry honey, she'll kick him…
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Note to self: Never eat in front of someone everTeenage Yoda is going to be troubleSnow Day! Jk I have no day time responsibilities.How much longer is Latifah going to be our queen?
The nerve of crazy people that make me pause my music to listen to them.Please god book me on Valentine’s Day and give me a purpose.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnJews of Boston! I’m doing some jokes on this show on Christmas Eve! Let’s have a nice time!
Retweeted by Dan CrohnChristmas Eve at @TheComedyStudio with @joshgondelman and @DanCrohn! @imyourkatieque I’m having a hard time with it @imyourkatieque Katie
Please god book me on Valentine’s Day and give me a purpose.Pay what you want shows are really laugh if you want shows @joshgondelman That’s my thing I eat shampooHead and Shoulders Green Apple what the fuck was I thinking @jamieloftusHELP Party!When you’re exhausted and you find out your late night spot has canceled.
I just used a Porta potty in Vermont so that counts as camping for me. @311Somerville is it park even or park odd this winter? @SomervilleCity is it park odd or park even this winter?The kind of confidence that makes me press the “save draft” button on Twitter.
I just folded a fitted sheet so I should be president right?Low point at Thanksgiving last night when my brother says “So Daniel and I are probably getting prostate cancer.” #inthefamilyThankful for the posts of couples thankful for each other even though they won’t make it til Christmas
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @NikkiGlaser Bless youThankful for my followers! (loses 4 followers)It’s almost over
If you can’t find common ground with your family today remember your friends also hate you.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnDress for the girl you want not the girl you have.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnPlanning my food intake today is a delicate process.I’m thankful for text only relationships
@KennethWReid It could have been our big breakDoesn’t it suck when you can’t google somebody?Kevin from @Enterprise is picking me up. Just a typical day in the biz!
Retweeted by Dan CrohnI’m just imagining Kyrie under his covers in bed for the next 3 days.
This Thanksgiving, bring your meds.Hey! I often use exclamation points to confuse people about my real feelings!
This has been my podcast the whole time.I bet your back hurts
Nobody posting about Disney + anymore. Yall 7 day trial must be over
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Coming home this Wedn to Boston and doing one show only Nov 27 at one of my favorite clubs, @LaughBoston - don’t le…
Retweeted by Dan CrohnPoor is when your heat kicks on and you check your bank accounts.Having a great time in Pittsburgh. Here through Sunday @PghImprov
Retweeted by Dan CrohnBreaking NBA news: Kyrie Irving will not play in games he has an emotional investment in.Pray for Kemba
@theOtherDude 🤞I don’t like to gamble but when I do it’s assuming the gig I have is feeding me.The new Tesla truck comes with The Joe Rogan Podcast as the default radio station you can’t turn off
Retweeted by Dan CrohnIn 2010 there were no pictures of me I was invisible.I’m having a hard time keeping up with all the stupid.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWow! (Hoping this tweet makes sense in the future)
Walks into therapy Me: You should have a seat for thisShe’s a good person < She has the same taste in music as youIt’s cool Crashing taught civilians about NACA @STVickiWAAF She’s not on Twitter! Also she’s not real.Dress for the girl you want not the girl you have. @DavidLMcDonough Dave the Celtics are on
Don’t match with me, Google me, watch all my videos, listen to every podcast I’ve been on, check my website and think you know me.I’ll die for my art. For my dating app bit.Got a flu shot today. Just so I could feel something.
I’m a loose cannon if it means eating dinner before 6To do list: Get out of doing a bunch of stuffIt’s still hoodie season in my heartI hope the president doesn’t have any health issues
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When I get off stage and nobody says “good set” to me.