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I was a comedian in the old world

555 Following   2,568 Followers   20,105 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/26/09


@KennethWReid This tweet is aged for perfectionShit on a closing venue all you want but if I gave you $100 to do a show there tonight you’d do it in a heartbeat.
11/28
2020
I’m not going to buy anything on Black Friday because I’ve bought something every other day this year.
11/27
2020
Turkey Clubs should be more of a thing today.So this is ChristmasSure, we can reschedule pandemic Thanksgiving with our families for whenever it’s safe. But it’s going to be very t… https://t.co/Op7xth87Hs
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
11/26
2020
@cadilks DoneFuck https://t.co/QJGhUkk0W6 @realDonaldTrump You still on this?Yo I’m trying to collab with somebody!!!!! (Have you do all of the work)Trump leaving, vaccines and now this. #hope https://t.co/M9c4oKx1wGUp up and annoyed!Here’s my dating advice: don’t do it right now
11/25
2020
Probably caramelized onionsWhat would you like on your vaccine?Where are the “Gentlemen?” https://t.co/NBRN6yKlM9What I say: “I don’t want to infect anybody.“ How I feel: “I don’t want to get infected.”How I feel when you want me to do your podcast. https://t.co/rJBiz48jw8
Retweeted by Dan CrohnTrump leaving, vaccines coming but stupid people remain.I’m trying to get my money right (Have money)
11/24
2020
I’m pretty sure you’re doing something to piss me off.When did “Making content” and “Having talent” get all mixed up? @KennethWReid @msmeganl Indeed!
11/23
2020
I just hope Tewksbury Rod & Gun Club is still doing shows after all of this.#0!It’s our last weekend showcase before Thanksgiving! Come pardon Rick along with comedians @DanCrohn, @ShaqKatzner,… https://t.co/WNCLoL5mwA
Retweeted by Dan CrohnGo Celtics!Like a good neighbor, stay 6 feet away from me.I hope to one day play bigger Zooms.he turned one day of losing into eighteen days of losing, it's like republican Hanukkah
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
11/22
2020
I wish I knew how to feel about everything
Retweeted by Dan CrohnToo tired to keep judging people. Let me get a nap in.
11/21
2020
Better a Zoom Thanksgiving than an ICU Christmas.
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @ibrokemyserious Ugh you’re tough @ibrokemyserious I guess you already have a job. Slight flex. @ibrokemyserious I might need a zombie apocalypse adviser? @ibrokemyserious https://t.co/WVWEvPmMtwASMR but it’s just me eating cannoli2020 is too much for some people https://t.co/6vqXtfxfcGCan we just lock down certain people?Making my own mouthwash later fools!!!!!!
11/20
2020
There’s a lot of work to be done. Call me when it’s over.Donald is now the annoying tag that I haven’t ripped off from the back of my shirt.Dear @realDonaldTrump, I know you’re preoccupied with overturning the election, but I’m just leaving the ER and wa… https://t.co/u1E7uKsWHB
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
11/19
2020
@ibrokemyserious My work is done here @ibrokemyserious I’m meeting my folks halfway in Kenmore and getting food from the trunk of their car like a drug deal. @ibrokemyserious Thanksgiving right. Oh wait. I’ll be by myself but still! @ibrokemyserious Oh right I do have that going onOf course you’re welcome for the quick reply I have NOTHING GOING ON. @UncleDommy Holy crapWith the 14th pick in the 2020 NBA draft the Boston Celtics select Dan Crohn to nervously watch all the games that are not in a bubble. @CBR On ZoomDreamt I was at the movies and people were too loud so I left. These are my dreams. @jimmywhit He’s going to unfollow you for sure @jimmywhit On Scorsese’s birthday how dare you @GregFitzShow @TheComedyStore @GibbonsTime On it
11/18
2020
@TwitmoMegan Your Twitter presence is mysteriousGoing to keep “Fleeting” until I meet “The one.”life is good !⃝ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWhen I sleep 7 hours without waking up https://t.co/HXd1EKQgTg
11/17
2020
Starting an OnlyDans. It’s just for me. @DougStanhope @AZCardinals Amazing
11/16
2020
Don’t tell me that failure isn’t an option I need options.Masked Singer, Masked Dancer. I wish there were more Masked Comedians. @GregFitzShow @TheComedyStore @GibbonsTime 1. Alone. 2. Getz at the Gate. 3. The Queen’s Gambit. All spot on recomm… https://t.co/GMMqmN5zu8 @DavidLMcDonough No one can hear you scream @jeffrowemusic Friends to the endI still haven’t seen The Irishmen @anylaurie16 🙏
11/15
2020
There’s always civil unrest when I’m trying to take a nap.Any tweet about your boyfriend Ok we get it you have a boyfriendJust up early thinking about the movie 300 and was it even good?
11/14
2020
@msmeganl Instacart!Wegmans chocolate chip cookies are so good. I just had four for dinner.Thinking about getting “merch” and just keeping it all for myself.Dude. You lost.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnOh man I slept sooooo good tonight.........oh crap (It’s 4 am)"None of the persons who were hospitalized or died had attended the event." https://t.co/GCZchkjS7j
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @JonoZalay @creekandcave @joshgondelman Point is I don’t bomb
11/13
2020
RIP @creekandcave and the time @joshgondelman told me not to do my act at the packed open mic. I murdered that mic and I stand by it still.Why is it so hard for some people to believe That one guy got more votes by mail in a month than the other guy got… https://t.co/yFbUTUWBK0
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @CBR He’s 73 @BarryRibs Thanks man!I can’t wait to get the vaccine so I can bomb in the back room of a bar again.
11/12
2020
Live stand-up! Jil Chrissie & Dan Crohn. Hosted by Steve Hofstetter, Ben Gleib, Chris Bowers, and Rachel Gallagher. https://t.co/VuiWXqzdnH
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWith all these positive Covid cases in the White House they’re going to be dying to get out of there. #trytheveal @TheCaitlinReese 😂😂😂 @kellymacfarland @TheCaitlinReese It shouldn’t! You’re married! @TheCaitlinReese When I see someone is 4’11. I’m like “Hey just round it off to 5 feet cmon.”This is a dangerous moment. Trump won’t concede. Facebook is spreading his lies about voting fraud. Mark—history… https://t.co/BEC4MrLOHl
Retweeted by Dan CrohnThe Queen’s Gambit makes me want to get back into chess. Or get a girlfriend.
11/11
2020
1957 NBA Rookie of the Year. 1973 NBA Coach of the Year. 6× NBA All-Star. 8× NBA Champion. 2× NBA Champion (as… https://t.co/vjPqPtS8Ty
Retweeted by Dan CrohnRIP Tommy Watching the @celtics won’t be the same without youRIP Tommy Heinsohn, a legend who would never admit his team did anything wrong, and who was once told to START smok… https://t.co/HyrizsDVhB
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @DanCrohn It’s not too much, https://t.co/WVD13Q8GRQ
Retweeted by Dan CrohnI’ve tweeted 20,000 times. It’s too much!Thank God #GoPats @pattonoswalt So I have them
11/10
2020
I missed my calling. I should have been someone who collects dental payments. @thistallawkgirl Jesus
11/9
2020

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