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I was a comedian in the old world

556 Following   2,507 Followers   19,414 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/26/09


Guys, cheesecake.
8/3
2020
@UnfilteredVicki @willnoonan Tuxbury Pond @willnoonan South Hampton NHFinally did standup again. It was just like riding a bike except I don’t know how to ride a bike.TikTok isn’t down. He can’t do anything right.
8/2
2020
Don’t think I haven’t thought about dealing drugs. @ellorysmith People. They’re the worst. @ItsJayWhittaker @AustinIsntFunny @coreyrodrigues @thatchrispost I hate baseball but what a throw!Zoom shows can throw you when you look at an audience member and it’s their cat’s asshole in the camera.
8/1
2020
Celtics BasketballIt’s not too late to get tickets for tonight at @ComedyNowhere - with @DanCrohn and @bengleib and me! I’ll be telli… https://t.co/CgYBOtWoOC
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @mikeob59 In 3 to 6 weeksMy first gig in 142 days is Saturday and I’ve been told to bring bug spray. @tommyjohnagin Oh its ending but LEBRON @quigLeagueChew WowI hope a nba referee gets caught bringing a hooker into the bubble.
7/31
2020
Where can I find a “hot mess?” @JJRproductions Text rates applyOnline comedy festivals? I quit.I’ve had the same washer and dryer for 16 years don’t tell me I have commitment issues.
7/30
2020
My one hour special ‘I Hate Myself’ will debut next Thursday, August 6th on YouTube at 9pm Eastern. I’m excited about it. @standup
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskGot a new inspection sticker for my car. It took 10 minutes. Done for the day.Retweeting a night tweet in the morning is Twitter’s walk of shame.Did we have a June?
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskDid we have a June?I’m only surprised by Emmy nominations because I learn that so many comedians had jobs.
7/29
2020
I'm no Epidemiologist, but if 9 guys can't play with a ball, outside on a big field and not get Coronavirus, millio… https://t.co/denyKzFVRv
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskI get all my relationship advice on Twitter. Soooo I’m single.My parents put in their AC in by themselves without me so I guess I’ll just sit here.I hope everyone who has tested positive is okay, but also I can't believe that Major League Baseball didn't have a… https://t.co/LEVQbaAHZz
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskMaybe I should be President? @UncleDommy Football is canceled
7/28
2020
Back headlining @ComedyNowhere from zoom (you can watch from anywhere) July 31st. Tickets here:… https://t.co/ko7OsBHaRE
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @TheCaitlinReese Maybe I’ll do it on zoom and charge a cover thenIf you see me juggling on TikTok it’s over folks. @ginnyhogan_ It’s the only gig I have right nowSomebody needs to perfect nachos delivery for me specifically.
7/27
2020
@BoggisNews Bringing bug sprayMy first live gig will be on a field in New Hampshire, playing for people in golf carts. I wanted it to be “low risk.”Everybody posting old pictures with the caption “simpler times.” Were they though?
7/26
2020
All I care about is that Kyrie Irving doesn’t succeed.This pandemic is turning me into everything I’ve ever dreaded. A morning person.
7/25
2020
@stacykendro Wish I knew that was going to happenI want my cake (stand up) and eat it too (vaccine)
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskI think I have more masks than friends @KFreehams Both girlGuys it’s Friday. Tell someone you’re over them.Huh? https://t.co/j139Ez8MmmBaseball without fans is basically just watching a bunch of guys hang out.
7/24
2020
@beastoria26 Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.Dinosaurs but with full grown genitaliaBeing an inconspicuous comedian has its perks like I’ve never had to say “let me set the record straight.”What’s your deal, 9pm? You’re not 7pm, but you’re not 11pm. Pick a side, I say.
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @beastoria26 I can levitate but I’m still at the exact same hightJust meditated my ass off which I can only assume is the wrong way to do it
7/23
2020
@beastoria26 Which one???Some like it hot. I like it vaccinated.I have no filter! Wait that’s not true.
7/22
2020
@beastoria26 Let me get back to you @beastoria26 I’ll kneel @JonoZalay Dude that’s oldNext person that comes up to me and says “Time for a haircut huh?” Has to cut my hair.Probably going to check out that comet later so I can yell out “Take me with you!”
7/21
2020
It’s weird going from out every night to never going out at night. It’s like I’m an out of work vampire.This week’s theme: WafflesMy life has become sweat shorts and slip on sneakers
7/20
2020
I CANT BELIEVE WE STAYED UP AND SCREAMED HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR THIS BULLSHIT
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @GiuliaRozzi Congrats!!!!!I’ve been celebrating national ice cream day ever since the pandemic started.It’s a 2 Black Cherry Polar kinda night
7/19
2020
Only took a pandemic to remind me I’m not a “Young Comic” anymore.Who cooks that? > Who books that?
7/18
2020
our dinosaurs are ready to eat the rich
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskI still haven’t seen the Irishman @MrSeanSullivan Showbiz here I come! @Kjfly To be fair yours is legit. I’m talking about pay your way festivalsThe whole “comedy festival” jig is up right? @beastoria26 Those were great!We are LIVE right now with the hilarious @DanCrohn - get in here! https://t.co/fSd8zsQ5Lf https://t.co/MdJkyBCJWa
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @beastoria26 HaaaaaaaaIt’s tough to tell how tall everybody is on here
7/17
2020
@lilyymeyyer Sweatshorts are a game changerBecause I couldn’t record my album in May, I’m getting all my jokes printed on t-shirts. @beastoria26 That’s not bad @beastoria26 You wishIf you have a beach blanket that says “License to chill” nothing can stop you.Coffin makers be running a back to school sale.
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskDreamt I hooked up with another comic. Man it’s a good thing there’s no comedy right now.This is a test tweet to see if I qualify as a celebrity.
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a maskSome of my best friends are verified!
7/16
2020
Beautiful quiet beach setting. A lone woman brings her beach chair to the edge of the water. Plays “I Want it That… https://t.co/fNHtYoJv3w @beastoria26 @cazzprimavera And how!Would you rather be a Jew in Poland in the 40s or an audience member at a Nick Cannon comedy show?
Retweeted by Dan Crohn wears a mask @jumagico That’ll flyFuck this I’m getting pie @jadedgirl6 @kellymacfarland 7/30!
7/15
2020
What super power do you want: Flying, turning invisible or never having to go to the bathroom?Day 11 no Zoom standup....The most vague advice is “Live your life.” @CearaOSullivan Addicted
7/14
2020

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