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I was a comedian in the old world

555 Following   2,568 Followers   20,105 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/26/09

@KennethWReid This tweet is aged for perfectionShit on a closing venue all you want but if I gave you $100 to do a show there tonight you’d do it in a heartbeat.
I’m not going to buy anything on Black Friday because I’ve bought something every other day this year.
Turkey Clubs should be more of a thing today.So this is ChristmasSure, we can reschedule pandemic Thanksgiving with our families for whenever it’s safe. But it’s going to be very t…
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
@cadilks DoneFuck @realDonaldTrump You still on this?Yo I’m trying to collab with somebody!!!!! (Have you do all of the work)Trump leaving, vaccines and now this. #hope up and annoyed!Here’s my dating advice: don’t do it right now
Probably caramelized onionsWhat would you like on your vaccine?Where are the “Gentlemen?” I say: “I don’t want to infect anybody.“ How I feel: “I don’t want to get infected.”How I feel when you want me to do your podcast.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnTrump leaving, vaccines coming but stupid people remain.I’m trying to get my money right (Have money)
I’m pretty sure you’re doing something to piss me off.When did “Making content” and “Having talent” get all mixed up? @KennethWReid @msmeganl Indeed!
I just hope Tewksbury Rod & Gun Club is still doing shows after all of this.#0!It’s our last weekend showcase before Thanksgiving! Come pardon Rick along with comedians @DanCrohn, @ShaqKatzner,…
Retweeted by Dan CrohnGo Celtics!Like a good neighbor, stay 6 feet away from me.I hope to one day play bigger Zooms.he turned one day of losing into eighteen days of losing, it's like republican Hanukkah
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
I wish I knew how to feel about everything
Retweeted by Dan CrohnToo tired to keep judging people. Let me get a nap in.
Better a Zoom Thanksgiving than an ICU Christmas.
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @ibrokemyserious Ugh you’re tough @ibrokemyserious I guess you already have a job. Slight flex. @ibrokemyserious I might need a zombie apocalypse adviser? @ibrokemyserious but it’s just me eating cannoli2020 is too much for some people we just lock down certain people?Making my own mouthwash later fools!!!!!!
There’s a lot of work to be done. Call me when it’s over.Donald is now the annoying tag that I haven’t ripped off from the back of my shirt.Dear @realDonaldTrump, I know you’re preoccupied with overturning the election, but I’m just leaving the ER and wa…
Retweeted by Dan Crohn
@ibrokemyserious My work is done here @ibrokemyserious I’m meeting my folks halfway in Kenmore and getting food from the trunk of their car like a drug deal. @ibrokemyserious Thanksgiving right. Oh wait. I’ll be by myself but still! @ibrokemyserious Oh right I do have that going onOf course you’re welcome for the quick reply I have NOTHING GOING ON. @UncleDommy Holy crapWith the 14th pick in the 2020 NBA draft the Boston Celtics select Dan Crohn to nervously watch all the games that are not in a bubble. @CBR On ZoomDreamt I was at the movies and people were too loud so I left. These are my dreams. @jimmywhit He’s going to unfollow you for sure @jimmywhit On Scorsese’s birthday how dare you @GregFitzShow @TheComedyStore @GibbonsTime On it
@TwitmoMegan Your Twitter presence is mysteriousGoing to keep “Fleeting” until I meet “The one.”life is good !⃝ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWhen I sleep 7 hours without waking up
Starting an OnlyDans. It’s just for me. @DougStanhope @AZCardinals Amazing
Don’t tell me that failure isn’t an option I need options.Masked Singer, Masked Dancer. I wish there were more Masked Comedians. @GregFitzShow @TheComedyStore @GibbonsTime 1. Alone. 2. Getz at the Gate. 3. The Queen’s Gambit. All spot on recomm… @DavidLMcDonough No one can hear you scream @jeffrowemusic Friends to the endI still haven’t seen The Irishmen @anylaurie16 🙏
There’s always civil unrest when I’m trying to take a nap.Any tweet about your boyfriend Ok we get it you have a boyfriendJust up early thinking about the movie 300 and was it even good?
@msmeganl Instacart!Wegmans chocolate chip cookies are so good. I just had four for dinner.Thinking about getting “merch” and just keeping it all for myself.Dude. You lost.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnOh man I slept sooooo good tonight.........oh crap (It’s 4 am)"None of the persons who were hospitalized or died had attended the event."
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @JonoZalay @creekandcave @joshgondelman Point is I don’t bomb
RIP @creekandcave and the time @joshgondelman told me not to do my act at the packed open mic. I murdered that mic and I stand by it still.Why is it so hard for some people to believe That one guy got more votes by mail in a month than the other guy got…
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @CBR He’s 73 @BarryRibs Thanks man!I can’t wait to get the vaccine so I can bomb in the back room of a bar again.
Live stand-up! Jil Chrissie & Dan Crohn. Hosted by Steve Hofstetter, Ben Gleib, Chris Bowers, and Rachel Gallagher.
Retweeted by Dan CrohnWith all these positive Covid cases in the White House they’re going to be dying to get out of there. #trytheveal @TheCaitlinReese 😂😂😂 @kellymacfarland @TheCaitlinReese It shouldn’t! You’re married! @TheCaitlinReese When I see someone is 4’11. I’m like “Hey just round it off to 5 feet cmon.”This is a dangerous moment. Trump won’t concede. Facebook is spreading his lies about voting fraud. Mark—history…
Retweeted by Dan CrohnThe Queen’s Gambit makes me want to get back into chess. Or get a girlfriend.
1957 NBA Rookie of the Year. 1973 NBA Coach of the Year. 6× NBA All-Star. 8× NBA Champion. 2× NBA Champion (as…
Retweeted by Dan CrohnRIP Tommy Watching the @celtics won’t be the same without youRIP Tommy Heinsohn, a legend who would never admit his team did anything wrong, and who was once told to START smok…
Retweeted by Dan Crohn @DanCrohn It’s not too much,
Retweeted by Dan CrohnI’ve tweeted 20,000 times. It’s too much!Thank God #GoPats @pattonoswalt So I have them
I missed my calling. I should have been someone who collects dental payments. @thistallawkgirl Jesus