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Writer for @LastWeekTonight with John Oliver. Comedian. Formerly CollegeHumor. None of these tweets are good

427 Following   31,765 Followers   1,316 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/31/09


Bummer! I guess FaceApp can't do everything. https://t.co/jXeWFCR73L
7/17
2019
@gabutch That's really something. Congrats, I guess. @gabutch Why did she like it? It seems insulting.Everyone should maybe congratulate @joannarothkopf, @charlierredd, @DOB_INC, and @owenBparsons for their first Emmy… https://t.co/9g3wHUqvB9
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitchthree meaningless pity cheers for this no-trophy trash man!! https://t.co/2rQt9mtfnF“So have you guys eaten with us before?” No. Lemme guess— you’re known for your small plates? Tapas style? Everyth… https://t.co/KTJ5oJjT8n
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
7/16
2019
This clip from the Fox show Beat Shazam is the bleakest thing on television. Darker than Euphoria or Chernobyl. I i… https://t.co/CMpe2iuhdI
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
7/15
2019
@gabutch i dunno
7/11
2019
Trump is a true King Solomon figure, in that if given the opportunity, he’d split his daughter in half. @mikescollins sir would you like pretzels, peanuts or the bees
7/10
2019
@KatieMarovitch I’m ready for my closeup Mr Reich!!!!! I’m a viral video STARLET!!!! @KatieMarovitch and I’ll keep doing it until you bring back prank wars loser!!! @AlexanderWatt lol dude @scottesherman hahaha
7/9
2019
This weekend I learned that scallops can swim by clapping their shells. I spent my entire life thinking they sat mo… https://t.co/gBzNgE9kSR
7/8
2019
@SoyNB i believe the term is silver fox
7/6
2019
@gabutch I wouldn’t be that hard on you but yeah I mean, you’re not like, a “good guy.” @gabutch Aren’t you like, at a lake house with your three children?Rian Johnson is great and movies are great https://t.co/XbFm6PDDAE
7/2
2019
Step-by-step how to do the “official” dance for Tainted Love by Soft Cell https://t.co/c0vPczStt2
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
6/30
2019
flawless comedy. watch in full with your friends & loved ones https://t.co/h48g05JQvN
6/27
2019
@SeenaVali seena @SeenaVali without looking it up do you think any animals ever do anal @KayeFoley how many of these do you have in your room https://t.co/0207bTuNIn @KayeFoley ooooookay burnout @KayeFoley whoa kaye are you pro-reefer
6/25
2019
@geoffhaggerty did avatar 2 come out when james cameron wasn’t totally happy with it? no. he postponed it and kept… https://t.co/pdLesYfHX9
6/24
2019
@gabutch I couldn’t have ruined your Friday because your life already sucks pig ass. You’re a sad man with a shit l… https://t.co/aavDXqf0F0 @jenboseph whatso, a little personal news.. yesterday's fire tweet was not a one-off, fam. humbled & honored to share that i am wo… https://t.co/2wgMIq13KW @joannarothkopf @davidstassen not you too, not like this
6/21
2019
this is a cruel thing to do to someone https://t.co/Af8O5rjFwr @missykurz genuinely furious @davculberg ugh @DataboiDylan no it sucks @scottesherman come on @vixaRS stop @thepyopyo horrible choicei quite literally do not want this https://t.co/XYHiXOWNof @ZachBroussard @MikeWTrapp it's so lame @jakeandamir very frustrating @jakeandamir why would you do thatpublic shaming is genuinely helpful and deserved in this instance https://t.co/apHof4r4yW @geoffhaggerty oh, sorry. thank you then @geoffhaggerty i don't think you think this. i think you're engaging in some sort of meta/ironic twitter discourse and i don't appreciate itwhy would literally anyone like this tweet https://t.co/g8F75JPCA7genuinely please stop liking this tweet it's not a good observation or funny at allguys, please don't like this tweet, it sucks. please like joanna's response, it is better @DanGurewitch So sorry you posted this tweet!
Retweeted by Dan GurewitchNo better job than writing about the stock market. “Some say it will continue to go up... while others say it will… https://t.co/47YJ3c9Brd
6/20
2019
@geoffhaggerty this is true. you really aren't that funny at the end of the day.YEAH! Maybe more places should try making funny comedy shows? https://t.co/JSkAYEBhSC
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
6/19
2019
Here's our story from last night about the possibility of impeachment, and whether the benefits outweigh the potent… https://t.co/OR9DvACSKz
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
6/17
2019
hard to believe my collegehumor friends and i are now in season 10 of this award-winning television show. here's to… https://t.co/RtXtw8rlwP
6/16
2019
is this anything https://t.co/scdwEqUThx
6/15
2019
@jakeandamir That's wild. I just read in Guns & Ammo that Greg Ostertag has never heard a flute @TheMcfiz Liking this for its honesty! @bridgmandrew oh yeah that’s the obvious exception but that’s a givengenuinely ashamed of myself for anything political I’ve tweeted in the last ten years
6/13
2019
every Instagram cartoon is like a circle with feet going “I have anxiety :(“ and a heart with feet going “you know… https://t.co/SXaMA9EfLX
6/11
2019
@jakeandamir Come on, man. This one’s going viral, don’t taint it with your bullshit.a smart point will never be as effective as a dumb point that sounds smart to dumb people (i dunno which one this is)
6/8
2019
@jakeandamir I honestly hope Mark Stevens personally wins the NBA Finals, which is possible. @jakeandamir I just feel like nobody's thinking about Mark Stevens' feelings in all of this. People get wrapped up… https://t.co/Zr7jUw0bSj @jakeandamir Imagine how he would feel if he read it.
6/7
2019
@jakeandamir This is fucked up of you. @jakeandamir It's not funny or cool to be uninformed. America is in crisis.entirely accidental chuck schumer impression https://t.co/LxNzbftdqH @gabutch https://t.co/zhVDmtJcUz
6/6
2019
Here's our piece from last night on the medical device industry...https://t.co/1MmlQn279r
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
6/3
2019
@gabutch Thanks dude. Enjoy it. @gabutch “If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you.” An old NBC rerun tagline that applies to me and this tweet (I d… https://t.co/l5J6pyKv5C @gabutch Hadn’t caught this one (been off Twitter). Looks like a viral winner though! Mazel. @gabutch Been off Twitter for a while, so this one’s new to me. A little blue, but I like it! @gabutch Didn’t see this one ‘til just now. Good slice of life. @gabutch Missed this one but it’s a great find! @jilltwiss everything about this sucks @jilltwiss i deactivated my twitter and when i come back *this* is what I do?elizabeth hurley’s face when austin danger powers said help i am stuck in a nutshell how did i get into this nutshe… https://t.co/KSKmsulOLT
6/2
2019
@thefunbraden Haha and I stand by it proudly
4/27
2019
@johnlevenstein That’s fair! I'd say almost all sketch involves a premise being heightened, but sure, not all sketc… https://t.co/C3d64lko4J @baddestmamajama I genuinely worry that in an algorithm-fueled age of Important Points, dunking & outrage, slowly p… https://t.co/B2O0DFO0DJThere is no day that can't be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl. https://t.co/faetGcpQVr
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitchthis is genuinely more brave than being a soldier i'm dead serious https://t.co/ssz0aFR3X3
4/26
2019
@Tubafrog hahah 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼 @bennettleigh Literally just been walking around all day in a dumb haze of gratitude for its existence @jenboseph “I’m willing to believe a baseball player could be named Who or What, but once they introduced I Don’t K… https://t.co/zBHXwt35B7
4/25
2019
Cannot stop laughing at this review of "I Think You Should Leave," Tim Robinson's incredibly funny sketch show, whe… https://t.co/W6vF2pdPDEI laughed so hard at the first episode of this show I felt like I was 12 years old again. It makes me so happy. https://t.co/tr2ntdXvYc
4/24
2019
the only two options https://t.co/NukBSBcWSi
4/23
2019
@joannarothkopf all-timer @CarriePoppyYES ya know, i had never thought about it before in my life. figured it was Nervous Nellie/Peeping Tom/… https://t.co/sHtJj2nBlcIt’s dumb that people win TV acting awards for portraying like sad abortion doctors in 1936 Prague or whatever when… https://t.co/y0eoO0qzvX
4/22
2019
@samreich https://t.co/DPYDERVWZT @Charbgil not soon *enough*! @samreich I see u 105%-in’ 😉Eulogies VASTLY misrepresent the actual number of people who “light up a room when they walk in.” Lotta dead duds out theretoday i joked "what if the origin of the phrase 'doubting thomas' was that there was some guy named thomas who hear… https://t.co/eAJc2Xb7Sy
4/21
2019
Pigs can't look up. But I could pick a pig up one night and raise it into the sky and tilt this pig ever so gentle.… https://t.co/rH7wf2UVrF
Retweeted by Dan GurewitchWede
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
4/20
2019

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