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Writer for @LastWeekTonight with John Oliver. Comedian. Formerly CollegeHumor. None of these tweets are good

409 Following   31,413 Followers   1,202 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/31/09


@geoffhaggerty shut up @geoffhaggerty hopin i stay the only like for a while. feels good @gabutch is this about me @gabutch @ChaseMit how are we feeling about this bit's legs? i'd like to join but it seems like it's petering out.
3/26
2019
HOWAR IM NEEDING YOU https://t.co/opXI76GfoW
Retweeted by Dan GurewitchUh oh, sincere tweet: Sheila has long been one of the best people I know, with an unfailingly straight moral compas… https://t.co/JJGJMVPAFk
3/25
2019
@GerrardsFloss Haha, I think I know the picture you’re talking about. I think that was a posed picture to accompany… https://t.co/9PYuo4nltC
3/24
2019
@921twinsie @joannarothkopf don’t listen to this person it rules, excellent stuff
3/23
2019
@jakeandamir Oh, that’s fine.I demand to know how many fatal car accidents have been caused by those crumbly Nature Valley granola bars“crazy frog” wasn’t crazy, he was just excited about sounding like a motorcycle. let’s be careful about the way we… https://t.co/FuFLJLUUxT
3/22
2019
Elizabeth Holmes & Donald Trump both prove that people will believe any con as long as you’re hot as hell and have a sexy-ass voice
3/20
2019
@geoffhaggerty this is fucked upi’m going to make a joke about that whole cat-fucking thing on here in about a year and a half. likes will be gone… https://t.co/q2HqnMymZk
3/19
2019
rumpelstiltskin's a leprechaun please @ me repeatedly
3/17
2019
i've decided to be a pete buttigieg voter based on one 3 minute video clip, learn absolutely nothing about him, che… https://t.co/cgVlAQT72e
3/16
2019
@joshgondelman u2 babyboi @joshgondelman I’ll take it! @joshgondelman i demand you have the stones to admit this is in fact a judgment. look inside yrself & do it. judge!!
3/15
2019
Journalism Win: ‘The Washington Post’ Announced That Everyone Is Born With 10,000 Pinocchios And Has To Remove Them… https://t.co/lNIldqcHDm
Retweeted by Dan GurewitchExcited for the continuing creative adventures of the immensely talented @lisadraws https://t.co/DHWtmWy1EJI fear we did not, as a society, dedicate adequate attention to how funny this sketch is when it aired https://t.co/SrzLemdx1n
3/14
2019
@nanglish it was so good that it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit twitterhonestly the most effective campaign slogan in 2020 might be “i’m just, like, a very calm, thoughtful and pleasant… https://t.co/jiABvMYZvI @GeoValentine oh... oh my.Every once in a while ya GOTS ta remember this is a real album cover https://t.co/7CztifM1Hk @gabutch good to see you pulled the trigger on this one.
3/12
2019
Here's our piece from last night on the scourge of Robocalls...https://t.co/y3M331A4NF
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
3/11
2019
@jenboseph @DOB_INC you hate to see itThe key thing people fail to understand about the STRAW POLICE is that, beneath the uniform, they’re just straw men. https://t.co/yQlQFQUcoN
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitchthe onion book of known knowledge is full of smart & hilarious jokes but the simplicity and stupidity of this one a… https://t.co/exIQqh8I2cjust utterly owned by @DOB_INC https://t.co/YlFiGGlkEG
3/10
2019
Please. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Jimmy Eat World https://t.co/UGp3PSQtFb
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
3/9
2019
@mckeefloyd It's always lovely to see you but this is a mistake! Save yourself
3/6
2019
Just saw the “Free Solo” doc. Finally somebody captured an act as dangerous and vital as improv comedy. #NoNet #AdrenalineJunkie
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
3/4
2019
Omg I just realized how cute it is that pirates call their friends their hearties 😍
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
3/3
2019
the amount of 100% genuine opinions and knowledge i have about this topic is truly and completely humiliating https://t.co/drFvzARrmX
3/2
2019
(me at every Town Hall till 2020) "What is your plan to bring back Detroiters?"
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
2/28
2019
Please honor my former colleague, current friend and future mortal enemy @joshgondelman by watching the premiere of… https://t.co/Vs87UuCDHOPlease read this beautifully-written and heartbreaking essay about an important issue written by a truly wonderful… https://t.co/ij3kvOhdJD
2/21
2019
@colin_con13 @kenanthompson This is very kind and appreciated! And I also don’t buy this whole “I’ve never produced… https://t.co/xvXmbCnDpA @kory__frmthebus @kenanthompson @joshgondelman I have been working hard to torpedo his showbiz career from the day I met himHere we are with my favorite LWT writer, @kenanthompson, the man behind our hit story “What Up With That (That = Th… https://t.co/sULJtGVAzu
2/19
2019
Bar Fight - https://t.co/7iEUGLQ4KY Heard this song 10 years ago and thought “that’s a fun. Maybe I’ll find some w… https://t.co/H9S6dYkWNA
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
2/17
2019
Funny boy funny book! https://t.co/2DsUsG4DPV
2/16
2019
@VicBergerIV Struggling to get through "The Entertainer" https://t.co/cz0XZhIpPa
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch @sadmonsters honestly I am disappointed I did not realize you were such a boorish lout @sadmonsters a little respect for the president please francisI love this short that the supremely talented @straussschulson made. He once filmed me floating in a jetpack with a… https://t.co/lb42MGjMZA
2/15
2019
@missykurz I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this. I think it’s time you and I started slowly edging him out of our friendship. @missykurz Right? “Goober” is one of my favorite words because it has no precise definition and yet everyone knows… https://t.co/wji2qihyRg
2/14
2019
@owenBparsons If you look closely that tattoo is the full text of The Winds of WinterJust once I want to see, “Netflix developing adaption of The Wyzyrd Scrolls Trilogy: Book Nine: The Cursed Rains of… https://t.co/jUr1J2y4eIIs there a law that says all fantasy novelists must look exactly like this https://t.co/fO0pxL4gLf
2/13
2019
@adamconover @brandicarlile please mr bully sir let me bask in my 5-likes-max tweet about my genuine enjoyment of music mr bully sirYes awards shows are silly BUT they can provide moments of old-style monoculture joy in a splintered media age & I… https://t.co/6RnQ7jCrtC
2/12
2019
@GrantOB Explain?
2/8
2019
@jakeandamir "he's such a bad writer"four days late to this retweet. had to see if joanna was cool. turns out she is so now i'm retweeting. https://t.co/fp4tgDGh3r
2/7
2019
In this article, @missykurz shares an immensely difficult personal story with deep empathy and strength and brings… https://t.co/Z6UbzTZ7zEI signed this letter, sacrificing my privacy to do what I can to stop the harmful lies about late-term abortion tha… https://t.co/0Cc4XxZGf0
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
2/6
2019
Relax, every single thing in this deli https://t.co/soGPFPoP0S @NickKocher @johnwhaskell @gabutch @ChaseMit @jenboseph @DanSpenser nobody said these parties were good, nick. they… https://t.co/5kUau8Klgj @DanSpenser @johnwhaskell @gabutch @ChaseMit @NickKocher @jenboseph that’s interesting because grandpa (@ChaseMit)… https://t.co/pAVVCiqYES @johnwhaskell @gabutch @ChaseMit wowsers I thought we were just having a nice 2 person catch up but someone’s turni… https://t.co/G9TUkohdEd @johnwhaskell yeah. it was good. someone nutted on basically every page except 59, but that was the joke on 59: no… https://t.co/hSFt7ngg5b @johnwhaskell yes I read your screenplay the nutter 2: the nutter nutted again and gave you notes (more nutting) wh… https://t.co/7eSx9BMxLUi like twitter again https://t.co/tWHQjleBum
2/5
2019
fyi adam levine saw all your tweets and he's sad. he called me and he was super upset about it and i was like it's… https://t.co/aVVLylWuYjRams tackle Andrew Whitworth on the Super Bowl: "At the end of the day we're all gonna die"
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
2/4
2019
👌 https://t.co/x7IjWrDamc
2/1
2019
@DOB_INC it matters to me @porters i'm not gonna vote but i just wanted to say how hot this is
1/31
2019
@KeithMenconi i hate jokesIt's pretty extraordinary that sitcoms existed for 47 years before someone thought to call one "Friends"James Frawley’s camera test for The Muppet Movie is some of the funniest muppet material, showing the true comedic… https://t.co/eXg8GbvaZu
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
1/30
2019
@paulwdowns ok relaxrevving up my massively impactful and sought-after social media influence machine to share this because @paulwdownshttps://t.co/lb5KmEWkiv @SeenaVali https://t.co/lxvG5msPvB @SeenaVali this is pathetic @SeenaVali genuinely leave me aloneevery day i am creatively and intellectually challenged by my insightful and talented coworkers https://t.co/rWI8fZ4xQY
1/29
2019
These existed for like, one year in the early 90's and I still think about them as fondly as my first love. Sometim… https://t.co/EUHKXKAcJpWhelp, this is embarrassing! My wife secretly filmed me as I scrolled through Twitter reading tweets. Oh well! What… https://t.co/l5GgkEs8mw
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
1/28
2019
@CraigRowin @ucbtla This is very goodCongrats to @sarahschneider & @imchriskelly on #TheOtherTwo! Watch this funny and lovely show created by these funn… https://t.co/6rjh7wgj67
1/25
2019
@jakeandamir https://t.co/iAWiFgUHaf @jakeandamir I like imagining this is your last tweet before you died and people are forced to leave RIP messages after this horseshit
1/24
2019
@littlenono um so that I don’t have to call my favorite zooey deschanel band “they and them,” snowflake smdh
1/23
2019
For the record, I may not be tweeting it, but just know I am *so* outraged and upset about everyone who did, said o… https://t.co/K65GuOuGoo
1/22
2019
Already took care of this whole kid Hitler thing a while back https://t.co/OFDpHZtePB @porters We get it you went to Stanford
1/19
2019
Here's a fun trailer for Last Week Tonight, which returns on Feb. 17th! And yes, Possibly The Largest Raisin Bran F… https://t.co/l0uohGjlsVFine, I’ll bite. Antz is good and better than A Bug’s Life https://t.co/eutFpsbGqp @NickKocher you're fat @NickKocher honestly bro, i'm not surprised you haven't heard of jenny craig. i mean can we just take a moment to a… https://t.co/xXq2dZIKzP
1/18
2019
Go Jill! 📖 🐿 ❤️ https://t.co/Zo0bE8oDKX
1/17
2019
@timcarvell YES! I’m excited you got around to seeing it @adamconover 😮Running around NYC wearing one of these on every finger, frantically asking strangers if they’ve seen my filthy dis… https://t.co/Qi4DiejeDP
1/16
2019

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