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Writer for @LastWeekTonight with John Oliver. Comedian. Formerly CollegeHumor.

405 Following   31,320 Followers   1,114 Tweets

Joined Twitter 3/31/09


@porters We get it you went to Stanford
1/19
2019
Here's a fun trailer for Last Week Tonight, which returns on Feb. 17th! And yes, Possibly The Largest Raisin Bran F… https://t.co/l0uohGjlsVFine, I’ll bite. Antz is good and better than A Bug’s Life https://t.co/eutFpsbGqp @NickKocher you're fat @NickKocher honestly bro, i'm not surprised you haven't heard of jenny craig. i mean can we just take a moment to a… https://t.co/xXq2dZIKzP
1/18
2019
Go Jill! 📖 🐿 ❤️ https://t.co/Zo0bE8oDKX
1/17
2019
@timcarvell YES! I’m excited you got around to seeing it @adamconover 😮Running around NYC wearing one of these on every finger, frantically asking strangers if they’ve seen my filthy dis… https://t.co/Qi4DiejeDP @adamconover I’m a piece of work @adamconover Adam, was your show picked up for life? I’ve never heard of that, that’s huge dude!
1/16
2019
@jenboseph @gabutch @NickKocher @ChaseMit Well well well, it appears we've graduated from gathering to shindig! @ChaseMit @gabutch @NickKocher "You'll eat tomorrow" @gabutch @ChaseMit Genuinely so sad, man @ChaseMit You’ve replied to over 400 of my tweets with this sentence. Please stopI've thought hard about it, and none of this Trump hamburger stuff is as dumb as this https://t.co/sy60f9csPw
1/15
2019
@nanglish This one I love all the way through!!!!! @nanglish Half of this tweet is great and the other half sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! @natasharothwell 🙏🏻 This is my most deeply-felt and important political opinionEvery breakfast and brunch restaurant should have an optional side of one (1) medium-sized pancake!!!! I want a bri… https://t.co/4RqsVOsR2A
1/14
2019
bathe in the boisterous biennial belly laughs built by these beautiful boys https://t.co/kQuL16q1U2
1/12
2019
I love social media because it helps me judge whether a candidate is inauthentically performatively authentic or co… https://t.co/1TbhCT96hI
1/10
2019
@geoffhaggerty I heard you. @gabutch The algorithm was different back then; it wasn’t really designed to encourage viral sharing in the same wa… https://t.co/hJOs8TckUt
1/8
2019
@jilltwiss I’d listen to Jeff Bridges speak for three hours in lieu of an entire awards show.
1/7
2019
I would have retweeted this regardless of what this clip was https://t.co/l4ovFMjESo @EZJunior1020 Haha done
1/4
2019
Scott is a super talented writer and director, as well as a lovely man, and he made this smart and charming short f… https://t.co/CvsWjVAtYU
1/3
2019
@MrEmilyHeller Whoa! Congrats Emily, this is awesome and well-deserved!
1/2
2019
@geoffhaggerty This is really awesome!
1/1
2018
If you didn’t reach all your 2018 goals, remember all of Europe pretty much did nothing from 500-900 AD. Nobody lea… https://t.co/JDUkFwqtygPlans fell through for my family's NYE tonight, and now we're scrambling! Anyone interested in including me, my wif… https://t.co/QTSpbidmOt
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch @marinarachael That’s genuinely awesome. Rough that it was a different family, but still awesome. @porters Local coffee shop’s got a $5 debit card minimum and sometimes this tummy does NOT need the extra chocolate… https://t.co/e1za3TYdk5 @porters Ludicrous. @EZJunior1020 Thanks for playing everyone! I have no idea why I did this. I am six months behind on my rent and very ill.And your winner, the first to guess it within a dollar: @EZJunior1020. DM me your Venmo info, for you are the lucki… https://t.co/03TChHaGLwFolks, we have a result and a winner. Result: $111.62 https://t.co/4oiDC5Q2ucI saved my change for a year and I’m at a Coinstar. First person to guess the amount within a dollar before 8:30 ES… https://t.co/WzDhEDXTvK
12/31
2018
Friends if you think politics sucks now wait until the next Democratic president accidentally calls a veteran a “ve… https://t.co/NkXchZWcEw
12/30
2018
@jakeandamir Everyday Acting with Virgil HoneycuttBarack Obama hits “post” on his year-end list of highly-cultured books and films. “Suckers,” he mutters, and contin… https://t.co/wkTZEUoHOw @timcarvell Haha oh yeah! That’s by @scottgairdner, super funny/talented guy. @timcarvell I can’t remember if we’ve ever talked about this, but it feels like we must have: https://t.co/DqCLrXNxJC
12/28
2018
@jakeandamir amir @jakeandamir I remember our 2020 death pact, I’m not an idiot. How long do you wannna keep this bit going (just trying to plan my night) @jakeandamir 2013. And part 5 is whatever you tweet in 2022. @jakeandamir Stealing this for episode 4 of Everyday Acting with Virgil Honeycutt
12/27
2018
@DanSpenser Yeah man I know I sidestepped the central point of your tweet out of my pure love for Antz but you are… https://t.co/I5MvOiEdPo @DanSpenser It’s a better movie than A Bug’s Life don’t @ me
12/13
2018
Detroiters made me laugh like nothing else. These guys made something truly special. https://t.co/23nE7jnhyE
12/11
2018
22 seasons into South Park, Satan entering with fire and fury and then being super reasonable and casual makes me l… https://t.co/3TfYPiLgEj
12/9
2018
Jason is one of the nicest, most genuine people I’ve met in comedy (or anywhere, really). If you can spare anything… https://t.co/fBMr9G8ciB
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
12/7
2018
@_varsha_venkat @jilltwiss nice
12/6
2018
@DOB_INC You’re a good manThat’s it. Thank you. https://t.co/XdOw5kKqmDI’m staring at the name “Flo Rida.” I know it’s some sort of play on a word or words but I can’t for the life of me… https://t.co/euiWTD1yZjEasy co-sign, Paddington 2 is one of the best films of 2018. Thoughtful, clever storytelling, beautifully shot and… https://t.co/60RRNsJi8u
11/28
2018
@porters it is my guernica, fitting for like picasso himself i am the rare virtuoso whose genius is indeed appreciated in my timea meme-loving teen stands in the street, watching her childhood home burn to the ground in a roaring blaze. her saf… https://t.co/IRiYjI1WPF @jilltwiss Ladies if he -has one superpower -it’s to decide when the meme is over -and everyone stops doing the me… https://t.co/gYnCXhYd4S
11/27
2018
@will_stephen we’ve been beefing for years twerp
11/15
2018
@jilltwiss also she’s covered in oilIf I think of a good tweet later I’ll come on here & post it
11/11
2018
corn and grapes
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
11/4
2018
@JeffRubinShow @SeenaVali 🎶 woo hoo hoo it's all been done 🎶 @SeenaVali Boffo. @SeenaVali Boffo.
10/31
2018
Every Red Dead Redemption 2 review is like, “Its brilliance is unparalleled. You must spend the first 19 hours whit… https://t.co/oGykHCdqaP
10/26
2018
@jakeandamir Beautiful my friend, and with a tooter to boot’er. I still remember what my granduncle never told me:… https://t.co/PkOX69ww6N @jakeandamir I’m imagining this as one niece with three birthdays.
10/24
2018
@ProdgeTheDM I got bad and now I suck ass @leahfricks Haha, no one should! Just being a social media grump for the heck of it.
10/21
2018
@DanSpenser I invented this and I am FURIOUS https://t.co/7eCopsfGZG @porters are you gonna like this or what @porters this isn't the only grinch in town this christmas!!! https://t.co/lnIBCkOanhsex is great but have you ever tried lazy twitter-meme joke constructions that make everyone think they're a comedi… https://t.co/B9KdPaunB2 @gabutch 😬not😬helping😬. we’ve talked about this on our strategy calls. likability matters. if people think you’re p… https://t.co/uFa4cl6kXX @gabutch 🙏🏻This was a good pun that @gabutch made three years ago. It didn’t get enough likes, and that’s a shame. But in the… https://t.co/K3pvPWkjaS
10/19
2018
@avitalash this is SO you
10/18
2018
@katefeetie @JoshFuttersak My tweet had nothing to do with yours, for the record! Just makin' jokes on the ol' Internet here
10/17
2018
Shoutout to all the 5’6-5’7 guys who weren’t insecure about their height til Twitter was invented and they saw some… https://t.co/V04CUMj5xo
10/16
2018
@ChaseMit @adamconover Society will never conform to your ideals, thus anyone choosing to Be A Better Person is a s… https://t.co/6ujtafnfCx @purpleblinkfox This is a nice thing to say, thank you! I think I’ve always been some level of earnest goon, but if… https://t.co/JH7jz7WRMm
10/11
2018
@mattt_yeah @topical_storm Whaaaat. Hahaha @MikeWTrapp "someone pass me that emily blunt" (that one's a crack pipe) @MikeWTrapp last night i smoked some of the goldiest hawn ever. i'm talking kunis that was straight mila, brolisten up: “dench" should mean weed and “judi” should be a word to describe it, e.g.: “yo dude, that’s some seriously judi dench.” @nanglish I like the sound of “Nangle, Esquire”
10/9
2018
@SeenaVali If you don’t go with ImperfectYam, I don’t know you anymore.
10/8
2018
@ZackBornstein You’ve done excellent work here, thank you Zack
10/7
2018
America's favorite game show is back https://t.co/ogPPBCRcBX
10/5
2018
i'm always sad when i see i've written a successful tweet because it means i forgot to be funny and just made an angry pointNot a great start, Google Search Suggestions! https://t.co/PCGbqnMxgrCan’t you see, Democrats? Your choices are to sit silently while horrific things happen, which emboldens us, or to… https://t.co/WENBlqCqlN
10/4
2018
As Donald Trump's eyes pass over this text, he sighs and slowly lowers his head into his hands. "At long last, they… https://t.co/ISjleFCf1T
10/3
2018
@missykurz Hi! I miss you!I’m proud of our show’s work on this piece! The world is bad but comedy is good https://t.co/dSlNmJPln2
10/1
2018
https://t.co/bJi1lF0mOB
Retweeted by Dan Gurewitch
9/30
2018

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