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writer | WA @thesimpsons | tru valley girl | @OneofEachPod | a joy to have in class

760 Following   3,052 Followers   16,912 Tweets

Joined Twitter 6/28/10

I’m leaving this up as a punishmentmarry, fuck, kill baby hitleralso thanks for condoloences but I am okay and will be okay. sad but not traumaticwe came to hang tonight just in case and I just got to her senior home and there’s a group of pals playing cards in… guys were supposed to get better at driving when the rain stopped @anylaurie16 tbh I am actively trying
my now almost 95-year-old godmother Helen is not doing great so let’s put some Shaq-sized vibes out that she keeps… guy driving a golf cart just stopped so I could walk in front of him and I held up a hand and mouthed “thank you”… clouds have parted, the sun is shining , what a beautiful day to teach your young sons to cover their mouths when they coughno one should be a billionaire lol good night @anylaurie16 I prefer Boob-Havin’ Jokesterhorny for my tax return
if I had reps I would tell them to submit my sample for this which includes a half hour absurdist millennial woman-…
Retweeted by danielle weisbergevery meal is the most important meal of the day. all 7 of them are equally important🗣 🗣🗣LA drivers aren’t afraid of driving in the rain we’re afraid of driving among LA drivers who are afraid of driv… don't think it's too much to ask that everyone who is successful be at minimum five years older than me
Retweeted by danielle weisberg🎶 it’s rainin rain! hallelujah it’s rainin rain, it’s rain 🎶
Retweeted by danielle weisbergcomedienne is not a word, stop using it
Retweeted by danielle weisberg2019 projected mood used to call this "Home Economics" and "Shop" and it was one of the useful things I was taught in middle schoo…
Retweeted by danielle weisbergand just left without washing hands. the lord is testing meI AM IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM AND SOMEONE JUST CAME INTO THE STALL NEXT TO MINE BAREFOOT I CAN SEE THEIR TOESI am not ready to get married but I am ready for someone to want to marry me
Retweeted by danielle weisbergtired: I’m stayin in tonight wired: I’m stayin in tonight !!🎶 take me down the paradox city where the box contains both a live and dead kitty 🎶
Retweeted by danielle weisberg
“smiled”at any point in his life trump has smiled without a camera presentme flirting: hey baby when’s the last time you checked the expiration dates on the food in your emergency getaway kitoops I went from too young to have plans on a school night to too old to have plans on a school night without ever…
Retweeted by danielle weisberg @ben_rosen f i n a l l yattendant at the beautiful 76 on moraga off the 405: you stay dry too. I had my hood on already and couldn’t figure…’s raining a little bit in my office !!! this is both a concern and a brag that I have an office !!!!!
every comic book character who wears a mask is constantly doing self care . Iconic ! I stan @TreePeople_org @MadisonMcLaugh HEATED bathrooms 💕💕💕💕💕*opening the twitter app* LET’S GET READY TO GRUMBLEuntil then you can read that pilot for free on my ~website link in bio lmao everything is the worstif I had reps I would tell them to submit my sample for this which includes a half hour absurdist millennial woman-… my mom has been spending her own money on her classrooms and students since before I was born — keep the… have cried every day so far this year and folks this is what did it today passion is staying up late enough to require a second dinner
Retweeted by danielle weisbergstill thinking bout thisoops I went from too young to have plans on a school night to too old to have plans on a school night without ever… mom’s in there somewhere this is the hardest game of where’s waldo I’ve ever done't let anyone tell you you can't have a midlife crisis if you're young. they don't know when you're gonna die!! and neither do you ! oh n
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wore my only reddish shirt today to show you I’m #UTLAstrong I am the daughter and granddaughter of LAUSD teachers and was an LAUSD student for many years! I support the…
Retweeted by danielle weisbergwas one bumper to bumper commute from finding a mid-coldwater canyon resident and bribing them for frequent and uns… oh I have reached the “dead husband/dad” episode and now am reconsidering why I have two pairs of my dad’s jeans…“Who is Felicia, didn’t see where she entered the scene. And where is she going?” – Universal
Retweeted by danielle weisbergmarie kondo-ing my followsincredible that john f kennedy was short for john fuckin kennedy. extremely cool , 10/10HELLO SIMPLY WATCHIN SHREK ON A FINE SUNDAY EVE AND REALIZED NOW AT AGE 27 THAT FARQUAD IS A JOKE ON FUCKWADI don't get why people say LA doesn't have seasons ??? we always have a beautiful Spring, then of course Pilot, Summer, and Awards
Retweeted by danielle weisbergwhen you see people you went to elementary school with on tinder
Retweeted by danielle weisberg
I’m weeping at this she’s so good and cool and then the team doing her choreo and then the second scoring is done s… @benmekler my life does not count as source material benDating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engi…
Retweeted by danielle weisbergLos Angles is #StrikeReady for the schools our students deserve. We are #UTLAStrong and will be on the frontlines f…
Retweeted by danielle weisberg.. and you say millennials aren’t positively contributing to society love language is texting “can I call you” before calling you
Retweeted by danielle weisberg @SkyyTweet @zachheltzel 💥candles but only one scent going at a time unless they compliment each other 💥 soft weight…
the woman in front of me at whole foods checkout doesn’t know if she has amazon prime !!!!!! 2019 is wild so far?? I have things to do todaystraight line: ___________________________________ dashed line: ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ titular l…
Retweeted by danielle weisberg @tessplease @MarissaHigh followingI made it my new year goal to make my room extremely comfortable for relaxation and sleep and I overachieved hard and now cannot leaveme at Whole Foods deciding whether or not to try new things: not today, seitan
Retweeted by danielle weisberghello I am the daughter and granddaughter of LAUSD teachers and was an LAUSD student for many years! I support the…
me at Whole Foods deciding whether or not to try new things: not today, seitan"During peak traffic hours the driving distance from Santa Monica to Los Feliz can reach as high as three podcasts."
Retweeted by danielle weisbergworking in tv is awesome bc when I was little and watched wizard of oz I was like how did they get those horses to… made me cry 🙃🙃🙃 you are not important enough to leave a mark on anything you do not own or did not create u for coming back tonight #TheGoodPlace and bringing with u @nicolebyer and @paulscheer and everything else @MikeDrucker “my family is all about food.. in fact we’ve been eating food as long as I can remember”pulling a hammy is what I call performing an existential soliloquy to the skull of my old pal
Retweeted by danielle weisberg*writes “depression” on a slip of paper and releases into the wind, it circles back and hits me in the face*
Retweeted by danielle weisbergladies i think it’s time we put the cute back in electrocute
maybe she’s born with it, maybe she accidentally left her humidifier on all night and now has tropically-hydrated skinI am so infuriated and deeply disappointed in today’s lasseter news and this on top of my previous anger and instan… had a white pair of capris covered in large rhinestoned fruit that I wore every few days bc they “matched with ev… born between 1988 and 1992 can never get too cocky bc we willingly wore capris like not as a costume @Home_Halfway @trumpetcake @WendyMolyneux @lorenbouchard thirding hello thank you!!! @rekhalshankar I am Seenhere is the thing: I am fun AND deadline oriented. Why can’t you believe me
Retweeted by danielle weisbergmy type is James Taylor past present future
@bazecraze lmao sounds fake but okthe Olds who are perfectly fine calling everyone named Richard “Dick” are the ones who are like “theyyy??? for one… when the government shuts down that includes our national parks which remain open as public land but unattend…
Retweeted by danielle weisberg @kimskitchensink sad about the tortillas are they ok @kimskitchensink Nooooohere’s the thing regina king is my queen tysm goodnight @herckles_ I just saw this??? tysm idk who I am eitherhere’s the thing, I got to sit behind and watch carol burnett act on set for a couple hours last year and it was on… @LouisPeitzman @AndyRichter Andy is my uncle figure does that make us cousins @REI I called your burbank location tonight asking for oil stain removal advice that I couldn’t find with my own re…’s the thing, I love sandra ohpenn badgley’s agent: hey! got a great role for ya penn: what is it ! agent: so it’s a quiet brooding guy penn: ok.… truly love and cherish the four seconds I have with each paper straw
did you ever consider that Rudolph’s nose is red bc he has a cold? and that he has to work through Christmas bc he’…