Sign in with Twitter

Username:

Kentucky gal- I’m good people ❤️my kids & wine https://t.co/F0ou3AXc8H https://t.co/WuV6e7uG0L

9,774 Following   45,574 Followers   189,807 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/7/09


Unless the answer is eating spaghetti and wiping your mouth on your forearm, I'm all out of ideas.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI have the conversational skills of a ninja
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaA different cereal for every mood. Today's mood was crying in gridlock traffic, so of course I went with Apple Jacks.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI hope you could feel the love I put into that last retweet.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlaunless the answer is drop acid and go see disney on ice, I'm all out of ideas
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPreview drops for "F9" on Friday, which if I recall correctly means they're going to reset a Microsoft document.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaYou might think that joke bombed but it got 680k reaction emojis
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPaint me like one of your French fries.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla[police station] I’d like to fill out a police report. *describes myself to the sketch artist*
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaNetflix and learn to murder me and dispose of the body without getting caught?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaBury me with my blanky or don't bury me at all.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaOf all the disappearing acts I've seen, my bank account does the best one.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaBreakdance fight me so I know it's real
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPublic displays of never leaving the house.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIs it still kidnapping if I packed 35 outfits?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaOn a hot date: The structural integrity of those wonton chips will not support that poké. ~Me flirting
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI blow my nose on my shirt sleeve like a kid... just in case anyone is looking for a soul mate.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMambo number 5 is my favourite song about only having 1 mambo left of a 6 pack
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMeghan and Prince Harry: “Coup”le of the year!!
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaFolks, don’t stress about if they didn’t text you back, they just busy doing their taxes.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI have “big meh” energy...
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSorry can’t ... I’m busy organizing my dog’s rawhide collection by size and flavor...
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaScrew artificial intelligence. We need more natural intelligence.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaBeing single is the best because I answer to nobody but also it is the worst because I answer to nobody and it's st… https://t.co/pATFvAVXPr
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIt’s quite telling when they no longer wear their wedding ring 🤨
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWhat about the lands made of carpet? Carpetland, if you will. *Neon lit up, says area rugs*
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI'm under no obligation to explain my sudden obsession with shallots.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe darkness of man's heart, but also all the hair that catches under the arms of our sweaters.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaDon’t flatter yourself; my panties can get wet by me sneezing too hard.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf you're looking for a TC, I just cornrowed my back hair.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSomeone told me I was wearing a nice fragrance, that it was unique. I didn’t have the heart to tell them it was th… https://t.co/5RvItonKYz
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlalife is too short for trash french fries
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlawhat doesn't kill me makes me more alcoholic
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla
1/29
2020
A struggling marriage is not always a failing marriage but it can feel just as shameful.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaA large part of Motherhood is just preparing your husband for if you die. - You can never bring too many snacks!… https://t.co/A5Md6XeSog
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaEvery person eventually learns to dream with a broken heart.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaYou can’t spell INSOMNIA without “I”... ...and all of the other letters in the word after it, because that’s how spelling works.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: UGH! Your sister is only 6 and she’s already driving me crazy. She’s obstinate and...and defiant and... 8, nodd… https://t.co/4cVynBpnz4
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThere’s a lot of things I didn’t eat when I was in really great shape, and I’m beginning to think that wasn’t a coincidence.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI understand what it's like to be a celebrity. People are always yelling and screaming and crying when they meet me too. 😉
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI have the top two buttons of my blouse unbuttoned like some kind of hussy
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThere’s no greater trust than letting him add to your private playlist.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf your personal life is a disaster and filled with drama, then yes by all means, join Twitter. It will feel just like home.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaJust a heads up for those of you who send me private "Pass Along" messages... I am where your messages go to die.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPrivate Number that keeps calling me........ No
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIngest Information these days very carefully.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPeople who wear a Bluetooth 24/7. You are not Data from Startrek. Separate from the Borg collective while you still can.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy personal brand is not touching the vacuum until there are visible chunks on the carpet.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy daughter has decided that she is going to be a Hydro Flask for Halloween. Please respect our families privacy… https://t.co/p7naPgg2un
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy journey of personal discovery always ends at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla“You need a hobby and some friends to get you up and moving on the weekends”, she said. Little did she know I was a… https://t.co/y4GiXVMWR9
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHeck yeah I'm in for camping as long as it has carpet, A.C., a private bath, TV with Netflix, a king bed and room service. I'm outdoorsy af.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI am one of a kind and me and my account have been enjoying a nice run with lots of fun and great followers... I do… https://t.co/89z3KWg7wG
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIn all fairness, how many melodies have you seen actually ON a chain?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIt’s 2020 and you’re telling me we can’t figure out the proper time to reheat chili in the microwave yet?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI just cleaned something off of my bathroom floor with my sock.  *Checks, clean floors, off to-do list.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHundreds of pencil drawings taken from a local art museum. The details are sketchy.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla"Anybody know why I'm having trouble downloading apps on my tablet?" "Probably because you're old Rick. Also that's an Etch-A-Sketch."
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaEveryday lies: Answering w/ "I'm ok" Being ready in 5 mins Push-up bras Temperature of microwaved meal "I only just got your voicemail now"
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf your nose didn't look like a mosaic painting of a rainbow after sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, then you didn't do it right.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI understand that tattoos are art for your body, but not every kindergarten doodle belongs on the refrigerator...
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI'm not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy. I'm just awkward.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: I think I’ll take a picture Art museum guide: Hey! Put that back!
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSigns you’re a man: *has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine. *catches a cold* Gather ‘round… https://t.co/jy5zV1OwBa
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla"Draw me like one of your French girls." https://t.co/1MlauPHZId
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIt's not murder if you perform an interpretive hula dance telling their life story as they draw their final breaths.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens. Friend: They’re just transitio… https://t.co/v61sMDDlrx
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla"I don't fit in here," I complain, while doing everything I possibly can to be socially awkward & alienate myself from any human connection.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHim: how'd you come up with tweets? Me: just always thinking of ideas, then have to remember 'em until I can jot '… https://t.co/vdNGtyDnqo
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaServer: Congratulations, ma’am Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why? S: Your husband said you’re eating for two M… https://t.co/rNeBGSkort
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSome mornings you have it all under control, other mornings you have to go back home to find out if you remembered to close the door.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWhen I stare off into the distance and look deep in thought, I'm usually trying to remember what I had for breakfast.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla“Just let them pass, honey, we don’t want any trouble. “ https://t.co/K19TjeyNFE
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.” https://t.co/teTqJnkfib
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI've gone the wrong way enough times that standing still usually feels like progress.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaTwitter is hardcore porn for thought addicts.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy Husband: “We aren’t going to hire somebody to install a dog door, that’s a waste of money, I can easily do this.… https://t.co/or1tq4deml
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaME: ever had a hole in one PROCTOLOGIST: it would be weird if they didn’t
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaME: it’s pronounced forehead HER [ducking]: it sure is
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIn an alternate universe, Pauly Shore won an Oscar for Bio-Dome.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI’m “I just bought Kleenex to keep in my car” years old
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla[first day as an undercover cop] PERP: hey man you got any coke ME: *whispering into hidden earpiece* is pepsi ok
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI’d offer to let down my pubes out my tower window so you could climb up them and love me like I deserve to be loved.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWhat base is it, when you set something on fire, because they aren't paying enough attention to you?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIt’s just an illusion. — Doug Henning’s ghost probably
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe difference between my tears and the sweat of the day is a secret I only share with my shower drain.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaAnyone seen an unclaimed lovin’ feelin’ anywhere? I seem to have lost mine
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMissed connection: You were in coveralls. I got a Michael Myers vibe and went skirt-skirt.I will never be murdered because I'm not going to let some idiot tell me it's time to go.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla[Valentine’s Day] Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped? Me: *flashback to carefu… https://t.co/7byZKHCJxGMy dog crapped twice on the same walk and now my poop bag is doing double doody.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI had to call a personal foul on myself yesterday for getting frustrated and throwing a frying pan in disgust.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI made it out of bed and into my recliner if you are looking for a personal trainer.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @michaeleaves @elleduncanESPN I have three girls💔💔💔🖤🖤🖤
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaAs I knew she would, @elleduncanESPN brought a much-needed perspective to the death of #KobeBryant. Proud of you, S… https://t.co/PDrRsGJIT5
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaTry not to get sucked onto other people's drama. It's none of your business. And most likely you won't be given all… https://t.co/FgWI51pXp2
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWhen I'm trying to pump a little more gas into my tank, I imagine that's the closest I'll come to one of 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓈𝑒 movi… https://t.co/bm4yerCW4I
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf anyone was interested.. https://t.co/N4bX2QSVVe
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI got your reply and I'm going to need less information.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPronouns: Now It's Personal
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla
1/28
2020

0