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Kentucky gal- I’m good people ❤️my kids https://t.co/F0ou3AXc8H https://t.co/WuV6e7uG0L

9,655 Following   52,481 Followers   215,375 Tweets

Joined Twitter 4/7/09


Local artists are often found drawing in the city park, I don’t go there because it’s sketchy.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaYou know that new McDonald’s commercial, “If your friend says they don’t want fries, order them anyway, or else you… https://t.co/45icJH1lz7
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf the pandemic taught me anything it’s that water drinking fountains are the first things to go, and thirsty doggi… https://t.co/oIZrpFQWgZ
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe devil on my shoulder is an internet whore.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaCall me when they make Pumpkin Spice Xanax.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWrap me up in your red flags.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSome days your thoughts are louder than the music I try to avoid those days
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI’m just a fool experiencing postpartum depression from my money.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @WytKat @Lisabug74 I guess I thought everyone realized a ribbon fry is one long piece lol https://t.co/hpW9xXAwiwYes, it can get nauseating on Twitter. But it’s a dry heave.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaOk, but how do I know if I have “brain fog” or if I’m just stupid now?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaWhen I worked at Wendy's the new employees were so undisciplined putting mayonnaise on burgers that we had to have an emergency mayo clinic.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe entire key to life is that if you bring donuts, you win. I don't know why people insist upon making it so hard.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaLet it be known throughout the land that I have played that funky music and you know I played it right.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy nephew calls antimaskers plague rats! I love this so much!💚
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @Sheginger Awww Thank you 😊I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla2020 ruined my nonexistent fitness career
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThere is a spider in my living room so today is cancelled. I’ll be hiding in the bedroom until it dies of natural causes
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlaone time I left the algorithm and touched a butt
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla[at the aquarium] “Do these come fried?”
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI like vegetables deep fried and smothered in gravy.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaTo each his own fries.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaNervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat. https://t.co/2HVvF88mBG
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaExcalphalon https://t.co/Pf8zb9I661
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThis new air fryer looks like I’ll have my winter body in record time.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHusband: Did you eat my french fries? These are half empty. Me: I prefer to see them as half full.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI wouldn’t mind getting slapped with an extra large curly fry.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI place my fries on a freshly washed plate so I can say that I eat clean.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI wouldn’t call myself a couch potato. More like couch french fries. Or couch cheese. Perhaps couch cupcakes. It’s… https://t.co/y27XzCK8mI
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHusband: Sorry babe, I don’t have time for this, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Me: Oh, you’re making dinner?
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed Sa… https://t.co/y5Pl0NdK55
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe 1000 island dressing, & the fried chkn & the mashed potatoes, & the jello, for sure. And that’s all I need. -me at a buffet as The Jerk
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI just washed a pizza down with a cheeseburger and fries
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPours gravy over French Fries as a sign of unity with my friends from the north on Canada Day
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI’ve fried bacon while not wearing a shirt, so you don’t have to tell me that love hurts.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla"yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway" I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI like to get kinky in bed by bringing in icing and even circles of fried bread. You can say I'm... {wipes milk moustache} Doughnaughty.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI just wanna eat your fries off your plate and hold your hand.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPeople who share their fries with you go right to heaven
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaRuby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of "bottomless fries" but then escorts you out with "you have to wear pants in here".
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHusband called to say he was working late tonight. After I finished cheering, I asked him if he wanted me to save him dinner.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI’m more terrified thinking about being stuck at home and managing online school for my kids, than the wave two of the virus itself
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @damnfinetweet @OMGSoOverIt Awww yay Thank you 😊“I’m not sorry for what I did, but I’m sorry for the way it made you feel.” Me: No.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaSome people assume I am arrogant, or pretentious, or quiet, never realizing that I just don't like them.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI wish people would stop telling me to do the math when it’s clearly their problem.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlagot a free car wash yesterday so naturally my millennial achievement list is nearly complete
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlagirls out here in their fall flannel joking they look like Al Borland meanwhile I'm out here in my fall flannel loo… https://t.co/2djAa9Q20c
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaKarens: I demand satisfaction!!! The Rolling Stones: good luck with that
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI am down with OPP instead of WAP years old.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf there’s one thing I’ve learned from life, it’s that air is super important.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlalisten it doesn't matter how many times you ask i'm not going as far as funkytown but i can drop you off in boogieb… https://t.co/ErrMjheIj6
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla"Aflat the World in 80 Days" doesn't quite have the same ring to it
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaUp to 60% of the adult human body is water. So technically I only weigh 40% of what the scale says.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that paper straws were a good idea
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaYou know that new McDonald’s commercial, “If your friend says they don’t want fries, order them anyway, or else you… https://t.co/45icJH1lz7 @bj_flemming @Ketih_the_Yeti https://t.co/ocCBchvXB3Frozen Flatulence 🤝 Let It Go
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe concert ticket tight in your hand, Walking into the dark to be one with the band
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaGives a whole new meaning to the term "wine buzz" https://t.co/LHisC0Gpal
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaAnd to think I almost forgot https://t.co/3pRGmvQqci
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaYou’ll be stabbed in your sleep.... one day.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @jej_jr They’re stressing me out for sureI remember a simpler time when squirrels didn't jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI prefer Rocky Road in ice-cream, not relationships.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaBatman could be quarantined with me....you don't know.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI Love The Batman, & im sure if he met me in real life in a parallel universe where he actually existed outside of… https://t.co/emMYPwNZZ2
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla
9/22
2020
Thanks for nuthin! Me, to the void
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaDear vegans, I'm eating the food that eats your food. Not all heroes... Love, Dave
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy secret wish is to be Batman, but I like to be in bed by 10. 🤷‍♂️
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI can't shop there because I don't understand their parking lot.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI hate that when something is difficult, people say "it's no picnic," as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMy husband bought me some Carhartt yoga pants, i.e. farm boy lingerie.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThis day in history. 1996. The Defense of Marriage Act was passed by the US Congress, described as "divisive and un… https://t.co/VgfH4Z3x5c
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaOut of the frying pan into the whisky.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaInterviewer: Did you finish college? Me: Almost Interviewer: Well, you know what they say, almost only......is th… https://t.co/qe0nY839NS
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: Woeful Keanu Reeves: Whoaful
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaHer: Why don't you give me your digits? Me: *looking at fingers* All of them??
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe only thing longer than 2020 is the list of passwords for my 7YOs online classes
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla2020 is nearly the worst nightmare of my life, second only to the one where I dreamt that I went to school with only one shoe
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaThe idiom "baby steps" is clearly wrong. Those lazy bitches don't walk. At all.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIn other news, my mom doesn’t think anyone should use soap that smells like spearmint because she doesn’t like it.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlai’ve decided my super power is touching anything in the kitchen that’s around the temperature of lava with my bare hands
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaI am going to walk the earth like Caine from Kung Fu until I find a full sized Krackel bar.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaIf I am your friend trying to convince you to have kids please don’t fall for it I’m just looking for someone to commiserate with
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlawhen someone tries to tell me they have a better recipe than mine https://t.co/i2qSIeg4Cv
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMe: Hi, nice to meet you. Do you have a dog? Them: No, but... Me: No thanks. There's really no point now.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaNo thanks hot Pilates class...I prefer to stick my head under a slurpee machine at 7-Eleven. Like a normal person.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaMore movies where Pauly Shore teaches strait-laced people how to be chill, please. Thank you.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla @jej_jr Yours is nearly as bad as mine. Lol Cheers 🥂 @daveyboy604 @OfficeofSteve Awww that’s so cuteThanks for the add. I'll be able to participate a little more once I get my shit together...which sould be about 7 years from now.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla20 wives and no alcohol? No thanks Mormons.
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaNot all heroes wear capes. Some are draped with meatballs and provolone.
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darlacause of death: lost in parking garage
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla10yo: Look mom!! Those leaves are orange! Me: nope. 10yo: Right there!! That tree is changing!! Me: can’t see… https://t.co/uzAx07XRMF
Retweeted by Darlin’ DarlaPsychiatrist: would you say you’re obsessed with the female reproductive system? Me: O, vary
Retweeted by Darlin’ Darla
9/21
2020

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